Watch Out What You Wish For…

IMG_2432Yep, watch out for what you wish for… Or it might even come true!

Little over three years ago I would’ve never, ever, thought that what is my current reality would even be close to being my reality.

Back then I was so depressed that I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. I felt so alone, even with a relationship and few friends. I was not happy. I was overweight. I had issues with my health but didn’t know what to do to it all. I was so tired of feeling tired and done all the time. I was tired of not feeling like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

And then I went to my first run, changed my diet, and all started changing to a better. Running saved me, it kept me alive, it changed my whole being, life and future. Who I am now and who I was before the whole journey started, I can’t even believe the change.

My whole life I’ve wanted to have few great friends in my life, and now I do. Or let me clarify, I have few INSANELY AMAZING FRIENDS! Once I realised that less is more in all aspects of my life, things got so much better. I’ve wanted to find a job for the last couple of years where I could use my creativity and write and be me, and now I have a dream job at a dream company. I’ve wanted to feel like I have a meaning and a purpose, now through my writing and being who I really am I have exactly that, I am able to be there for others and help them and listen and just share what I’ve gone through and hope that my journey could help them with theirs.

I had one of the most amazing conversations and things happening to me in the past couple of weeks. First my best friend, who happens to live in Toronto, Canada, asked me to be her Best Lady at her wedding. Which is like the biggest honor I could ever wish for, she made me feel like the luckiest and most loved person in the whole wide world! The thing is that she and me, we didn’t even know each other little over two years ago. We found each other through a mutual friend, who had read a piece written by both of us about depression. We wrote to each other and found that we can be there for each other through our depression and share our journey. Now, she is my absolute soul friend. ❤ Can’t wait to share her day with her!!

I had one of the best conversations with my other bestie, who also happens to be my colleague at work. We finally got the chance to really talk, like you talk with your closest friends who you trust so much that you can say whatever. I’ve missed him and our talks so much and realised during that how blessed to max I am with the people I have in my life. I got few people that keep me grounded, are honest, love me through it all, and are always there for me whatever. True friends! IMG_2443

I also think that it’s crucial to tell those people that they mean that much to you and thank them for all that they’ve done for you. So do that! ❤ Also say that you’re sorry when you’ve been a dick! And forgive yourself too, so many times that you believe it!

I’ve always dreamed of love, and be loved and love love love. And now I’ve found the best love there is, I love myself! Finally! It’s not some all day everyday joyride, but it’s real and I really do love myself!

Without loving myself like I do now, I would never been able to do all that I’ve done. Run Ultras, write to my own site and few others and to an actual magazine! Have the job opportunity I have now. Have friends all over the world. Feel like I’m a proper citizen of the world. There’s so many amazing things that I’ve made happen for myself because I love myself. I also have more love in my life than ever now, maybe not the one, but the amount of love and how loved I am conquers all!

We all need to appreciate what we have, take a little step back and really see how insanely amazing our lives are. I might not have what you “should” at my age, but I have more than ever before.

Pretty much all the things I’ve hoped to have in my life, have come true. Talking about the law of attraction! So be careful what you wish for, they might really come true!

LOVE. TRUST. LOVE MORE. BELIEVE. DANCE. LAUGH. SAY THANK YOU. BE GRATEFUL. LOVE SOME MORE. PMA. ❤

By Narriyah Waheed

By Narriyah Waheed

Live And Learn…

IMG_2187“Let’s push as far before I crack…”.

And then I cracked, as in on Tuesday morning 5:30, I got an epilepsy attack, a grand mal, something I haven’t had in 13 years. Which ended up me needing to go to the emergency room with an ambulance in the morning. And also really go through my life and how I’ve been living it lately.

If I am smart and admit that I’ve been working too hard and long hours, in my own new found passion for my job, this wouldn’t happen as I would’ve been smart enough to calm the situation early enough, but no…

I have a habit of going full steam when I get excited about something. And this past couple of months have not been any different. I found something I am good at, got all stoked to the point that I was ready to do anything and everything to get ahead in my job when I should’ve have calm down and slow down and learn slow and steady. And with my insane passion and drive, I’ve managed to piss off some people, because it can be too much at times, and for a reason. I can be too much, I know that. I’ve lived with myself quite a few years and worked on this trait of mine but forgot it this time… Unfortunately.

But playing with my health is the stupidest thing I could do, especially when I’m the one usually reminding my friends of it. There’s no reason for me to do anything so much that my body stops me to the core. None.

My first reaction to the attack was pure hatred. I was pissed off that the medics wanted me to calm down, when they obviously didn’t realised that I have stuff to do. When I understood that they are being good to me, I got pissed off at myself. I was pissed off that I let this all go this far. When I know too well that I am not that important that things will stop if I don’t do them all. But it’s still tempting, as people like me know.

It’s super easy to beat yourself up for something like this, but then again it won’t help you in any way. You can only learn from your mistakes, like I have before, so this should not be any different.

What almost surprised me was the fact that I was terrified that I will lose my job because of this. I was genuinely worried that this is it, if I won’t be able to do what I’m supposed to then what am I good for?! The thing is that no one is expecting me to do some inhumane amounts of work and still push on. I’m supposed to have a life just like anyone else and I’m still learning the traits of this field, I’m not ready and done yet, hopefully never will be. So I need to be way easier to myself. I have to have other life too, I need to see my friends and have time for running and other things that make me smile and feel full of life.

There’s no need to drain my whole being from everything with the thought that if I don’t then someone else will get my job… Which could happen anyway.

But I do owe myself to be the best I can to myself, so that I can be the best I can be in what I do and to others too. I should know this as I’ve gone through similar situations before, not this drastic but close enough to learn my lesson, except that I obviously haven’t.

Maybe the fact that there’s been so many amazing and good things in my life since I moved back home to Finland, that the shear amount of it all has just overwhelmed me and I’ve just jumped in without thinking that I need some balance to it all.

The stupidest thing, to do to myself, was the fact that I didn’t give myself any time to heal from it all, but I went back to work the next day only to learn that I need to take few days off because of that mistake. Which made me feel even worse this morning when I realised it. But I can either keep beating myself or just learn my lesson and move forward with a smarter mindset.

I think for a moment, I got sucked into this thing that is cool that if you’re super busy and “important” then you’re doing things well… A thing I’ve always hated, for a reason. As the real me knows that that is not real and that being there for others and taking care of yourself are way more important things to take care of.

I need to go back to my own drawing board and maybe even write down, what things are important to me and what can I do to be better at them and in my job that I love, without risking my health. Should not be too hard.IMG_2218

For sure, a thing I really don’t want to even think, is the fact of how much this epilepsy attack really scared the shit out of me. I haven’t had any issues with it for a good 12 or so years and after doing everything opposite to what I know are good, I managed to work it back to my life and freak me out. For a good reason I’ve done certain things in a certain way so that I don’t need to worry about the whole thing. I managed to forget them all with my excitement. Again, lesson learned, hopefully!

I can be good at things, without drowning my whole being in them. It’s completely okay to take time for yourself and need to rest, nothing wrong with that. Without being healthy selfish and doing exactly those, you won’t be able to keep pushing with the things you love. Same goes with work, running, whatever. You need to rest to be able to do them. Point blank.

In the end this was needed, not that I am proud of it on any level, but I seem to need a pretty drastic reminder to stop what I have been doing. Learning slowly my lesson, but still got some work to do with learning this.

Also what really humbled me was the sheer amount of care and love that I received near and far, thank you so much for it all ❤ means the world and reminds me of those good things!

I can be afraid of many things but I can’t over compensate to make them work. One step at a time, is the right way to go. I need help just like anyone else. I have to say that I am very blessed to have good people in my life to ask for help or say how I feel. Things are way better than before, I’m truly not alone anymore. Thank you. ❤

SLOW. STEADY. YOU’RE ENOUGH. REST. SLEEP. EAT. DRINK. HUG AND LOVE. PMA ❤IMG_2217

FUCK I Needed That Run & Other Stories

IMG_2122Yep, Fuck I needed that run and other stories about a young lady who is pursuing and pushing to be a successful career warriorqueen. To put it simply…

Today was a HUGE Note To Self, I haven’t been running basically at all in the last month, just working my ass off. Doing something I absolutely love, but all is new, I need to be like a sponge every day to be able to keep up with the pace we go forward, still loving it and trying learn more and more all the time. But I just forgot something very damn important while doing that. If I put taking care of my body and mind in the backseat, it will kick me hard soon enough.

“Don’t try so hard to fit in and certainly don’t try so hard to be different… Just try hard to be you.”

-Zendaya

I’ve finally found something that I am really good at, workwise, so obviously when I was given the opportunity to work in a company I can put all my skills to use, I did not hesitate. But because I jumped in straight to the deep end, I just lost the yearn and need to move in a way that I used to use as a saviour and the one thing that kept me going.

Today I noticed really how much the lack of moving had done to me, I was anxious, felt negative and ready to snap. I’ve felt all of those growing in me for some time, but just decided to ignore them and push on. Well my body is smarter than me.

What my body and mind needs, is running at least three times a week, no matter what. Because basically if I don’t I just become a unpleasant dickhead with no patience, if not to other then to myself for sure, which is not really any better. My headspace is not really equipped to handle all the excitement, stoke level, new challenges without any outlet.

This all is a learning curve for me. This is the first time when I am comfortable with who I am, the real me and really love that me, that I have a job that I am really good at and getting better and really love doing, I have friends all over the place, I have A life. And I had a way to balance my life, but I managed to forget that I actually need it to be a constant in my life, not just sometimes.

I definitely learned a valuable lesson today. If I don’t run, not only my body changes but my mind is honestly about to explode. I need that release to cope with what world is throwing at me.

“Forgive yourself. Not just once. Again, and again, and again. As many times as it takes to find peace.”

Without running, I wouldn’t be able to do my job, I need those moments of creating things in my mind while my body pushes on and sweats the extra stress out. So if I want to really be good at my job, I need to run. Or do anything physical.

And I went for a run, and it was cold and pitch dark and rainy, and I loved every damn step of it. I needed that fucking run. I needed to feel all of that to remember why I started and found myself and woke up to this insanely amazing life of mine.

At least three times a week, no less, maybe more. That is the deal I have with myself now. A deal that I need to keep, because it’s about me and my own happiness and health, and those things really should be the most important ones.

Thank you body and mind for pushing me to the corner hard enough for me to understand what I need to do. Thank you!

I promise to be better and love you both more.

LOVE. FORGIVE YOURSELF. PMA ❤

Embracing Your True Self Is Really Hard And Really Amazing At The Same Time

IMG_1506Finding who you are, is hard work. Going deep and really facing yourself, changing what needs to be changed for yourself to be truly you and happy, and in the end embracing your true self, the one that has been kicking and screaming under all to get out and show you how amazing you really are.

I am in this turmoil of Me. I’m on that edge of the cliff to be the Me I am, that I’ve been working towards, but there’s that last part to be okay with.

Me moving back to Finland is definitely part of that last part of this. I need to be okay with this place and then I can finally let go of that weird discomfort and anger I’ve had in me. My new job is making it way easier for me than I thought, damn lucky me!

I’m in a situation where I can finally work in a company and people that really push me forward, appreciate me and my skills and actually tell that to me directly. I am beyond happy about that. Majority of my life at the moment is more than good, wouldn’t change anything but there’s one that is able to take me down at times, right now.

The thing is as simple as me gaining some weight after the Copenhagen Marathon and my face plant with my bike that left me a bit unable to do anything for a while. I also completely lost my interest in running for some time. And for the first time I have a job where I actually like to look good and me and be representable. Or more like that I have a chance to be me and look like I really do. And all of sudden my clothes don’t fit to me and I just want to hide myself, something I did before my work with myself started. I hate that feeling I have now.

I hate that I feel uncomfortable now with my skin, after I worked so damn hard to not feel like that, to feel comfortable with myself and in my skin. I hate that I feel that I want to hide myself and my body. I’ve done that for so many years of my life and last summer I was finally in this place with myself that I was confident and proud of myself and didn’t feel that I need to hide anything anymore. I know that I will be back in that “place”, but the feeling I’ve had now just kicks my ass and not in the right way at all.

I know that the change isn’t big, but it’s big enough to make me feel like shit at the changing room when I try to buy some pants. I’m one of those who get all the extra on their hip/ass area, but not at all in that delicious way that my ass would just got rounder, naa…

It’s also been a time in my life when I’ve realised my age. That I need to work more constant and regularly not just at times, my body bounces back to old way faster than to that hard worked toned one. I need to be consistent in what I do, eat and how I live. Maybe this was a good reminder in that.

All in all, I am in this first time ever moment in my life, I don’t feel that I need anyone in my life, I am finally enough to me. I don’t really feel like my life would be any better now with someone in it. I’m not ready for anything really now, I need to really deal and get rid of some stuff that was done to me in my last relationship.  But the content and happy feeling about myself is the best feeling, the fact that I am more than okay with myself. It’s almost relieving that I don’t feel that it would be nice to have someone in my life now. It’s nice to have this freedom all to myself. To not feel like I need to care about anyone else than myself. Maybe it sounds rude to someone, but I’ve wanted to feel this good with myself for so so long that I do not care.

There was this amazing Instagram post I saw this morning, it so accurately summed up how I feel now about everything. IMG_1610

I’m also in a situation with my work that I’ve never been before, I’m the oldest one there and the only single one, so in the beginning it felt almost funny, but I’ve had moments now where it’s almost felt a bit sad. Not sure why, but there’s been this “am I going to be like this long still?”. And at the same time not even wanting anything. Confusing to say the least, or maybe part of life.

To be honest I feel really confused and at peace at the same time. What am I even supposed to think of that?!

I love this me who is confident in her life, at least most of the time, I fucking feel like some warrior queen at times, is there anything better?! I don’t like the me who puts myself down for something as ridiculous as feeling like shit because I’ve gained weight when I’ve actually finally lived and enjoyed my life. That is just stupid.

But when you’ve been fighting with yourself and your self worth through your body image as long as I have, it can still be a bit of a rough thing at times. Especially when being in that comfortable skin is as scary as loosing it. It’s a long and constant battle that won’t get easier as I get older, as I need to work for it more than before. Again, maybe this was a good wake up reminder that it really is so, I need to work harder now than before to keep what feels the best.

I know that I will be back in that skin soon again, sooner than it really feels now. I think I needed to feel a bit shit and let myself do a little cry and show myself that all of that hard work really means a lot to me. That I’m not that looser, quitter that I was before, that Me is really dying down, thank goodness!

Everything can’t be all happy and shiny all the time, I need to dig deep and go down at times too. I hope I never loose that, because even though I feel like shit in those moments, I always climb back up from them these days.

Actually it was great to look myself today at the changing room and feel like shit for a second. Because it really was a second. Mostly I felt that I looked better than I thought. If there’s a part of me I’m not happy at the moment, I know that I can change it, that’s simple.

I love that I’m finding and embracing my worth these days. Finally getting pissed about people treating me shitty. Finally not caring that much if someone only texts me when I haven’t been active on that. It’s easy to find those people who really should be in your life when you don’t need others to make you happy.

It’s liberating to be able to be mad at someone who treated you bad and let myself feel all those feelings that I’ve denied from myself for so long. To say that “fuck you for being shitty to me and using my kindness for your own good”! To just let it out and move on. IMG_1550

So the point of this all is that embracing your true self is the best, deleting toxic people from your life is the best, believing and working hard towards something and everything is the best, going through bad relationship can be the best wake up to your own self worth, it’s okay to feel like shit at times, just as long as you don’t drown in that, remind yourself of your amazing self and how damn hard you’ve worked!

DO YOU. LOVE YOURSELF. REMEMBER HOW HARD YOU’VE WORKED. STAY WHO YOU ARE BECAUSE YOU ARE AMAZING! PMA ❤ OWN WHO YOU ARE. BE PROUD OF YOURSELF. DO THAT QUEEN SHIT THAT MAKES YOU FEEL ALIVE.

Warrior Queen song to end this and power you to some warrior moves to shake all the negativity off!

Evolution Of Interests

IMG_1321Evolution of interests, when it comes to me, I’ve gone from one to another with a speed of light at times in my life. The speed of this in my childhood was pretty rapid…

I remember how I wanted to try every sport there was, almost. I started one, decided that I will be the best at it, but when realising that I need to actually do something about the fact that I want to be the best, I lost interest. Well, maybe that’s a bit harsh, but I really lost interest and still do fairly fast. Of course I’ve learned to be a bit more patient, but I admire people still who really concentrate on something and practise and practise and get insanely good at it and still keep doing it. There’s not too many things in my life that I would have even half of that effort.

I was thinking about this last weekend, when I was visiting my childhood city with my family and we passed this place I used to play table tennis at. I remembered how I decided back then that it was the thing for me, and also how fast I just dropped all interest in it.

I think since I was a kid, I’ve had this want of being really good, so good at something that people would be looking up to me. Not so much these days, but there’s still sometimes this want, this childlike yearn of it at times. I’ve come to realise that it probably had a lot to do with this insecurity and feeling of not being good enough when I was a kid. Maybe I was thinking in me that if I could just be really great people would notice me in a good way, not like usually at school, that I was in their way or the odd one or whatever.

The funny thing is that I think I’ve excelled at things that are more hidden. I have to finally admit to myself that I am pretty brave, at least these days. I was when I was younger too, I just lost that me for some time in between. I have always been really good at seeing little things in bigger picture, I’m able to use that skill these days in my work. By the way, now when I really wanted to list couple of things about where I am really good, I am totally blanking out haha. The point is that I’m not hiding anymore with what I have in me. I’m being okay with me being who I am and not like everyone else. I don’t have to have a university degree to feel good about myself anymore, or at least I’m finally getting rid of that feeling. And goddamn it was in me deep!

But still I have that in me, that weird way of being interested in something 150% and then after a while just loosing that whole thing. And then I find something else and dive deep in it… Not as fast or deep as before, but the tendency is still there. It’s part of who I am. And until couple of weeks ago I felt a bit almost annoyed by it. But then I saw this amazing TED talk about exactly that!

Emelie Wapnick : Why some of us don’t have one true calling?

It made me feel so much better about myself and how I take on things. There’s nothing wrong with that, actually it is a strength in me! YAY! I am a MULTIPOTENTIALITE!

I was also talking with one friend of mine, a new one and we were talking about how we are and take new situations, and he was describing himself and I was just thinking that that is me, that is exactly me! Which also made me feel good. I am not alone, of course I know that I am not alone with this but it is comforting to know that you have similar people around you. Which I do these days, most of my friends are like me in many ways. I have loads of introverts in them, people who fight their mental health battles just like me, people that I can be me with. I guess that’s part of growing up, you learn to surround yourself with people who understand you and push you in a way you need.

But there’s been this small concern about how I am when it comes to running. I’ve felt for so long this summer that I’m just not that interest in it. I felt that I’ve lost that fire in it that kept me going for so long. But in the end I realised that I’ve just made it feel too much of a HAVE TO and less of something I GET TO do. The pressure of all, in my head, got the best of me. The down side of having a huge friend group around me who runs and are pretty damn great at it. So back to the basics it is. I feel like that’s all I need now. Easier said than done, as that funny little child voice in me wants to still be the best… But I’ll try.

I feel that I’m finding myself in that speed of light these days, and it’s confusing and amazing at the same time. Scary as fuck, just to state the obvious, too! I’m all about this DO YOU life now. And every time I feel like is this good that I want to do this or that, I remind myself that just DO YOU and then it will be good! I owe it to myself to be true and exactly who I am. No one else can live this life for me or make me happy than myself, so I should DO ME and nothing else. 🙂

PMA AND DO YOU ALL THE WAY ❤IMG_9409