Letting Go 2015 Like An Old Lover. Welcoming 2016 Like The Me I Am Now

img_2816“I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story – I will. I will speak and share and fuck and love and I will never apologize to the frightened millions who resent that they never had it in them to do it. I stand here and I am amazing, for you. Not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I AM MYSELF.” ❤

Until 2015, I feel like I’ve only lived for others. I started my journey to Me in 2015, but fell for my old habits and forgot how and who I am. This is almost like my manifesto to myself, in the most honest way possible.

2015 has been all about finding and learning who I am and what I want, who I truly am under all that fear of myself. It has been about heartbreak, love, pain, confusion, finding myself, conquering my fears, going after my goals for the first time ever, freedom, learning to love the skin I’m in and saying goodbye to people and habits I’ve outgrown or who are bad for me and my life.

I also made myself do a list of who I am. I am strong, passionate, talented, caring, special, loving, artistic, capable, beautiful, creative, loyal, trustworthy, sexy, warrior, deserving, enough, open, honest, brave, sucker for love, supporting. I know I am more than those but giving who I am and how hard making a list like that is, I am very proud of myself for getting those down. 

For the past week I’ve gone through the whole year over with myself, really pushed myself to deal certain things, to let go of others and forgive the ones that feel that hardest. I knew that I needed to do that, to be alone even though all of sudden it felt so scary, the one thing I usually enjoy too much. I knew that my broken self can still be whole in front of certain people, my brokenness doesn’t mean that I’m not okay, it means I’m strong enough to admit certain things to myself and give myself the push I need to deal and let go of them. Without the heartbreaks of 2015, I would not have woken up to the Me I really am. In 2015 I learned who I am as a woman, learned what that means, entails, empowers me and others, what I deserve and can say No to!

There’s moments when I realize things about myself and I need to write them down, this was one of them: You’re not any readier than they are to love again, so don’t push them and most of all, do not push yourself.

I know that these aren’t the things that we should be open and honest about, because at times it feels that we need to be all about slaying all and be good with ourselves, but letting go of a love that you had for someone, whether they hurt you or not, is HARD, whether you know the decision to be right. In short that shit hurts, because there’s people who take a bit more of your heart than you ever expected to happen. And even though I know that it’s the right thing to be alone now, my whole being rebels against that, not all the time but there are moments.

I’m one of those who fall hard, I love hard, I believe in the good of others hard with the notion that I might get hurt hard. I tend to open my heart in a way that it’s super easy to rip it open if you don’t respect the openness of it. I don’t second guess my gut feeling about how I feel about someone and how I see the good in them, even if they don’t see it themselves.

The love I wish to give and have is who I am, open and honest. I am tired of hiding or filtering my love and feelings in general. I’ve done that for most of my life. I want to be able to show my love and not have to think about if it’s okay. I wish to have that kind of love in return as well. A love that looks like that person who is proud to have my kind of love without wanting to push it down or me being someone else I am. No more filtering love.

I think I’ve finally stopped apologizing how and who I am. That was one big thing I learned in 2015. This is who I am, whether you like me or not, this is Me. In 2016 I want to truly be brave and let myself be Me, all of Me. To get to know that Me that I am, but have been hiding from myself.

” Be a better You, for You.”

– Sonya Teclai

There’s certain things that make you, force you to realize that you won’t be here forever. You look at your body and how it has changed, you know that it doesn’t work the same way it did couple of years ago. You look at your skin and how there’s lines that weren’t there maybe a week ago, but in the same time they make you look so much more beautiful. They show the life you’ve lived, the pain you’ve cried through, the smiles you’ve smiled with cheeks in pain. Growing up and older can be scary, but I’ve decided to at least try to embrace the journey of it all.

You feel the pressure of doing things you want to do before it’s too late, but at the same time you don’t want to rush through life, you want to really enjoy the moments.

You want to be true and honest with and to yourself, while being so confused with that all in the midst of feeling exactly certain who that is.

You want to take risks to be sure that you live but at the same time want to be in control of what happens when you take those risks. How to trust the jump when you have no certainty in what will come after you jump.

“I tell you what freedom is. No fear!”

– Nina Simone

How to balance those things you have raging in you. How to be happy with being alone when people around you are so far from that exact thing. How to be those two you’s that you are, how to live as one with them both. How to be that outdoorsy, less is more person and that ambitious, brave career woman who wants to be great at what she does. But isn’t it a balance that the other needs from the other? That is something I will tackle now. Learn how to make those equally good in me that I am in peace. Right now it feels a bit like I have to choose, but then it would mean that I need to choose one from two passions of mine and I’m not ready or willing to do anything like that. I don’t feel that I need to.

I remember how I said almost a year ago how I feel that my life just started for the first time, now more than ever I feel that, really feel it hard. I feel how fast time moves on but I want to forget rushing through it all. I want to forget the lure of being in a hurry. I can be and will be the best Me I can when I respect the both sides of me. I need to be, for myself, patient in what I’ve wished for my life to be earlier, when I realize that it’s exactly that now. Like I wrote before, watch what you wish for…

I don’t want to do any resolutions for 2016. I want to be able to listen to myself on a daily basis and really take the moments I have without hurry. I want to keep being honest about how I feel, especially if someone feels special to me, we don’t have enough time to not say those things, even if we don’t get anything back. I want to be patient and gentler to myself, more mercy. Past is past for a reason. Now is now for even bigger reason. Live in the now, not past or future, now. That’s my Note To Self.

MORE LOVE. MORE RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS. MORE SPONTANOUS ADVENTURES. MORE HONESTY AND BEING OPEN. MORE RESPECT TO ONE ANOTHER. MORE BRAVE ME AND MORE PMA ❤

 

 

 

Watch Out What You Wish For…

IMG_2432Yep, watch out for what you wish for… Or it might even come true!

Little over three years ago I would’ve never, ever, thought that what is my current reality would even be close to being my reality.

Back then I was so depressed that I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. I felt so alone, even with a relationship and few friends. I was not happy. I was overweight. I had issues with my health but didn’t know what to do to it all. I was so tired of feeling tired and done all the time. I was tired of not feeling like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

And then I went to my first run, changed my diet, and all started changing to a better. Running saved me, it kept me alive, it changed my whole being, life and future. Who I am now and who I was before the whole journey started, I can’t even believe the change.

My whole life I’ve wanted to have few great friends in my life, and now I do. Or let me clarify, I have few INSANELY AMAZING FRIENDS! Once I realised that less is more in all aspects of my life, things got so much better. I’ve wanted to find a job for the last couple of years where I could use my creativity and write and be me, and now I have a dream job at a dream company. I’ve wanted to feel like I have a meaning and a purpose, now through my writing and being who I really am I have exactly that, I am able to be there for others and help them and listen and just share what I’ve gone through and hope that my journey could help them with theirs.

I had one of the most amazing conversations and things happening to me in the past couple of weeks. First my best friend, who happens to live in Toronto, Canada, asked me to be her Best Lady at her wedding. Which is like the biggest honor I could ever wish for, she made me feel like the luckiest and most loved person in the whole wide world! The thing is that she and me, we didn’t even know each other little over two years ago. We found each other through a mutual friend, who had read a piece written by both of us about depression. We wrote to each other and found that we can be there for each other through our depression and share our journey. Now, she is my absolute soul friend. ❤ Can’t wait to share her day with her!!

I had one of the best conversations with my other bestie, who also happens to be my colleague at work. We finally got the chance to really talk, like you talk with your closest friends who you trust so much that you can say whatever. I’ve missed him and our talks so much and realised during that how blessed to max I am with the people I have in my life. I got few people that keep me grounded, are honest, love me through it all, and are always there for me whatever. True friends! IMG_2443

I also think that it’s crucial to tell those people that they mean that much to you and thank them for all that they’ve done for you. So do that! ❤ Also say that you’re sorry when you’ve been a dick! And forgive yourself too, so many times that you believe it!

I’ve always dreamed of love, and be loved and love love love. And now I’ve found the best love there is, I love myself! Finally! It’s not some all day everyday joyride, but it’s real and I really do love myself!

Without loving myself like I do now, I would never been able to do all that I’ve done. Run Ultras, write to my own site and few others and to an actual magazine! Have the job opportunity I have now. Have friends all over the world. Feel like I’m a proper citizen of the world. There’s so many amazing things that I’ve made happen for myself because I love myself. I also have more love in my life than ever now, maybe not the one, but the amount of love and how loved I am conquers all!

We all need to appreciate what we have, take a little step back and really see how insanely amazing our lives are. I might not have what you “should” at my age, but I have more than ever before.

Pretty much all the things I’ve hoped to have in my life, have come true. Talking about the law of attraction! So be careful what you wish for, they might really come true!

LOVE. TRUST. LOVE MORE. BELIEVE. DANCE. LAUGH. SAY THANK YOU. BE GRATEFUL. LOVE SOME MORE. PMA. ❤

By Narriyah Waheed

By Narriyah Waheed

My Piece “Sabotage” In The Newest Issue Of Like The Wind

When I started this blog, did I ever think that one day my writing would be on an actual magazine, like for real ink on paper magazine. Well that day is sooner than later, my piece about sabotaging your own success will be on the newest issue of this amazing running magazine, Like the Wind.

You can order yours here

I love the idea of the magazine, from runners to runners, real stories about it all. You should really check it out! 🙂

Hi fives to that!

Hi fives to that!

 

LAST DAY TO PRE ORDER YOUR “PEACE LITTLE BIRD” TSHIRT!!

TODAY IS THE DAY, GET YOUR ORDER IN AND YOU’LL BE DASHING IN JUST FEW WEEKS WITH YOUR NEW SHIRT 🙂

WE’RE OFFERING A FREE WORLDWIDE SHIPPING, WORLDWIDE YES!!

CLICK HERE AND GET YOURS ❤

ALL THE LOVE AND SUNSHINE AND PMA TO YOU ALL!!IMG_7580

 

DON’T FORGET TO PRE ORDER YOUR “PEACE LITTLE BIRD” TSHIRT

HEYYYYY!!

I EXTENDED THE PRE ORDER TIME WITH A WEEK, SO YOU HAVE TIME TO ORDER YOUR SHIRT ALL THE WAY UNTIL 10TH OF MAY!! HOW AMAZING IS THAT!!

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WE HAVE FREE WORLDWIDE SHIPPING, SO EVEN THAT SHOULDN’T BE A PROBLEM FOR NOT ORDERING :).

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YOU DON’T WANT TO LOOK AS BUMMED AS UKKO HERE, SO ORDER YOURS 😉