The Funny Thing Is That We Don’t Really Have As Much Time As We Think…

received_10155286336103458.jpegI’ve read those words quite a few times in the past years. It took until end of 2016 and all of 2017 to really deeply understand what they mean. We really need to lose a lot to understand how delicate and short this life of ours is. We love to judge others, no interest in understanding why some do what they do or decide to do with their lives. Why would we when we aren’t really living and doing what we truly want?

I was in a massive stress ball the whole of 2017, wondering at times why I just keep trucking along despite it all. When I lost my Grandpa, I made decisions I knew would set me free. My body was not in a good state because of the amount of the stress, my mind was strong as fuck but my exhaustion levels ran so high that I didn’t even know myself at times. I was just moving forward because I didn’t know anything else. I wanted to handle what I had with a manner that I could stand behind. I roughly saying, deleted people from my life that I needed to be without, knowing that my choices will cause some words, not caring because I knew I’m doing the right thing for myself. The way I handled 2017, I am immensely proud of myself, knowing I’ve made mistakes on the way like normal human beings do but being true to myself and fixing my errors when needed. I lived the year that I thought wasn’t even real at times, with the honesty I didn’t know before I had in me. So can not be anything else than proud.

I read this article today about what and how would we live our lives if we knew that we only have a week left to live? Or 5 years or 6 months? Have you ever thought about those, I have… My last year got me too close to those thoughts. Even though I thought that I’ve lived honestly the past years of my life, I knew nothing. I’m not saying that it’s always needed to lose a lot to see more clearly but shit, when you lose loved ones that shit makes you think. Especially when you lose a close friend whose the same age as you and someone whose been in your life since day 1.

I know that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but that’s completely okay. No problem whatsoever. I’m not living for you or your imaginary friend, I’m here for me and my loved ones, while being good to all who are around me because I have no need to not be nice to you unless you do something that makes me question your being. I do judge at times, I’m a goddamn human, so will never be perfect which is actually really freeing. But I will also be me without compromising, I have no time for that anymore. If you can’t take me, that’s not really my problem, sorry. Basically if I need to sum it up, it’s like this… Fuck expectations, no time for that, do you, be you, stay humbly honest and YOU!

Good friend of mine wrote about how this all glorified freelance life isn’t actually for everyone and how there’s nothing wrong with loving and doing your 9 to 5. I was in the middle of changing my life to what it is now and had been battling with where I should be heading work wise for the past few years, especially after my wrist surgeries. She was able to nail all my feels about who I am and how I have been feeling. I’m forever grateful for her words that came when they came. Partly because of them and this childlike dream, I work where I work now and goddamn love every damn day of it. Yes, it’s still just a month in but damn I’m back to what I love. I am, whether I want it or not, a customer service kind of worker, that’s my jam, that’s where I excel. That’s weirdly in my being and core. I always thought that it’s a thing you do when you’re young and then you need to grow up from it and figure out something grown up to do?! But what the fuck is that?! If you are at your best when helping people, and you can do your job with honesty and sell things that you believe in, why not actually do what you were meant to do? And once I started at my job, I realised how I’ve basically done the same job in different ways my whole life, if I’ve gone away from my path I have been doing really badly, so keep doing you, once again. So, oh hai, I’m your local heritage jeans and boots sales lady. And I love the shit out of my job!

But is there anything I feel I miss in my life, now that I have a dream job and another starting next week? I have dream friends, not many but that’s what I love. Family who supports me.

Well… If you’ve read my pieces longer, you know that I haven’t been the luckiest with love but always been courageous and had a faith in the whole thing, no matter what. But you also have to realise that I’ve been alone for a reason for the past 3ish years. Once you’ve been hurt the way I have and you want to get out better on the other side and not carry the weight of your old pain to something new, you want and need to be on your own to fix your own damn self. Love being who you are alone, and that’s what I’ve done. I have no problem being on my own, this shit rocks, maybe too much at times for my own good. But my heart is still on my sleeve, never left, just questioned if it was smart anymore.

It’s taken me few years to come to a place in my life where I feel that I would be willing to let someone in my life. I don’t need someone but there’s starting to be room for someone in it. I don’t yearn love or someone, but in all honesty I do have moments when I yearn the feel of someones skin on mine, or touch of someones fingers, or cuddles, spooning or hugs from behind. Yeah, those things I miss these days at some moments. And sex, because I’m a grown ass woman who loves her body. Nothing wrong with that.

There’s also this funny thing, that I could be super jealous of my best friend and his new love, which is annoyingly perfect and amazing. But I’m just that annoying myself that I’m over the moon happy for him and his love. That shit makes me happy, because the happiness I wish for someone I love is that kind of happiness. It doesn’t make me feel like I’m lacking something, it makes me think how damn lucky I’m to have a friend like that and to see that kind of real love. A love I have in me, and one day someone to shower with it.

After working pretty much all the time since I started, because I really love what I do, if I didn’t tell you that already, I am having a rare free Saturday today, which is the weirdest feeling ever. As I’ve lived very much freely for the past couple of years with no real days in my life. It’s also one of the first days in really long time that I am doing nothing as I had done everything during the week, I had nothing to do even at home that should be done. I felt lost and just wanted to go to work. But there are benefits when being alone when that feels weird. It’s needed. You might feel that you want to do something, or feel restless or just confused, that shit is normal. Just relax. And I’m saying that as much to myself as to you.

In all honesty, at the moment I’m in my sweats, drinking red wine I got for Christmas from a regular glass and listening to Finnish grime. All the while I kind of hoped spending tonight in a different manner, this will do. And that’s me being honest, even if I was a bit bummed before. We all need these moments when we wish for something else and get this haha. This stuff is life.

So, with all that being said, I’m not about making new years resolutions but I am challenging myself to keep my home clean and organized because I had no energy last year for that and I would love to have my home ready for someone to visit whenever, even though my home is kind of holy to me… But still, this is a challenge that my mind will thank me for.

PMA ❤

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Let’s Be Honest… About Love

IMG_1016-0I’ve written quite a few times about love, but probably never this honest. About how it really makes me feel and how it has changed over the years and how I feel about it now. So, let’s be honest… About love.

“Accept that you deserve more than painful love. Life is moving. The healthiest thing for your heart is to move with it.”

I’ve always been really brave when it comes to love, and now I’m finding myself being terrified of it. I feel like my trust and wings have been burned so badly in my last two relationships. I’ve grown, learned and loved more than ever before in those two. But also, really been hurt more than before. Felt like I’ve been stabbed with something that I didn’t want to believe really exists. The thing that sometimes people aren’t too nice to you, whether you’ve been good to them, it doesn’t always matter.

This subject isn’t an easy thing to write about, at least when it comes to really being honest. Love is one of those things that makes the world go round. I’ve learned finally, after hating myself for so long, to love myself. I have more love than ever before in my life. I have friends that I truly love and who love me. I’ve learned to love without expecting anything back, which is how you should love. I’ve always been a huge believer in love, that it will conquer all else, without even always understanding why I do believe so. Maybe because of that, I’ve gotten hurt so bad. Because I want to believe that people aren’t bad and that they don’t mean to hurt you. But even though how much I love, I can’t fix someone else if they aren’t ready to fix themselves. I can only love. But sometimes it’s love to walk away. To let go and take care of yourself first. That’s one of the biggest lessons I’ve finally learned and really understood.

“She’s known sadness, and it has made her kind.”

-Nathan Filer, The Shock of the Fall

I needed to get hurt and treated really badly to get mad enough to understand that I deserve so much better than I thought before. Being too nice, and believing the best always can be sometimes bad thing too. People love to use that kindness for their own good. I’ve been there for people who have just used me. Which I really shouldn’t have been tolerating, it was wrong on so many levels, but I wanted to believe in the good. But when the other person sucks the positivity and happiness out of you, you need to let go.

I remember when I felt really strongly that without having someone in my life, I’m not whole. Now I am enough alone, which I absolutely love. But I think I would love to share my life with someone. But for the first time in my life I don’t feel like I need that, I have a great life without that too. But I also am afraid, for the first time, that will I ever find or be found by someone.

I didn’t have a crisis when I turned 30, but I feel that I am having one now, or at least having thoughts about this all. I’m not worried about what to do with my life, or my work life, or any of that. I know that those will figure themselves out. I trust in that. I wasn’t ready to give myself a chance to really show what I can do before, I am now and I am getting those opportunities. But I am having these moments when I think that will I be a Mom one day before it’s too late, or if it’s even possible. I am turning 32 next March, I know that I am not old but I do feel this weird pressure at times when I am surrounded by my age peers who have those things, family and relationships. And still, I don’t feel like I need to really do anything “extra” about it. There’s a hope in me that wants to believe that it will work out too.

Then again, I don’t think I have been ready before to really be loved, ever. I’m still learning the whole thing of how to love myself. Getting pretty good at it, even if I say it myself. Maybe this is one of those things that takes time to be ready. Maybe I am getting ready for that all now.

“Love is patient, and that is the hardest part of love.”

-T.B. LaBerge, Unwritten Letters to You

One thing that makes me think that, and this whole thing in a completely different way, is that right now I have a crush. I have one of those things where you kind of like someone, but have no idea what to do with that whole thing. I’ve lost my bravery when it comes to that. I would love to be brave enough to say it to that person, but I am so afraid. The fact that I have been hurt and my trust have been used in the wrong way, it’s hard to take that step and open my heart,  for that possible rejection. Which in a way would be a relief, because then I could “release” this feeling. I actually really hate that there’s couple of people who were able to shake that hard work built trust in me. I’ve had so much trust issues since my childhood and I’ve worked really hard to understand other peoples behaviour doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with me.

With all that’s happened, I’ve found myself being afraid of the things I love the most. I do know, inside of myself, that I do deserve all the love just like anyone else. But I also do tend to think in those dark moments that what if that’s not meant for me. And then I get a bit bored of that old me and shake that off. Why wouldn’t I deserve it all?! Why would I be some kind of exception?

It’s weird to be in a situation with yourself that you really are happy with your life as it is, without needing to have someone in it. To have that change from need to choice. To being in a situation where you can honestly say, I wouldn’t need someone in my life, but I would love to share my life with someone. I’ve never been in this place with myself before. It’s really confusing and amazing at the same time.

“We all have two lives. The second one starts when we realise we only have one.”

-Tom Hiddleston

It’s also funny how I used to, when I was a lot younger, confused sex with love. How I used that physical attraction to believe that someone likes me, or even loves me. I think that’s part of the journey to you as you. You need to, or I needed to find my way through all that. How easy it is to hurt yourself in that search too. I remember how I finally, long time ago, decided that I want to stop that and really find what makes me happy and how I see myself. And how different it is to be in that situation when you are healed and good with yourself. To enjoy those moments of grown up pleasure with someone without needing it to be something else. To feel confident and sexy and strong, sensual grown woman. Being confident and happy with your skin, finally!

One really funny thing to notice is that I suck big time at flirting when I actually am interested in someone, possibly liking them. I can easily flirt and tease when there’s not any real “thread” of the situation going anywhere, but now when there’s someone on the other end that I really would love to get to know more, I get shy like never before and don’t have a clue of what to say. Maybe trying too hard, and then deciding to not say anything at all. I don’t get easily too silent, I’ve always been quite loud and talkative, and now… nothing. I wish and miss sometimes that brave me that was able to just say that “hey, I like you, and I think I am interested in you”. Where’s that me now? Am I protecting myself because of my past or what?

Also, when you come to this age, over 30, there comes this new aspect of being and meeting new people. We all have different kind of baggage than before, when we were younger. There might be kids, marriages or other “bigger” situations that we heal and move on from. That means that we all might have a bit more “protection” around us and not so much of that yeah let’s jump to this. I have to be honest, I am definitely afraid of getting hurt again. But then there’s this tiny voice in me that reminds me that if I don’t jump I never know.

One thing that I really almost hate at times these days, is the way social media is making things wayyyy harder to understand. I suck big time in understanding what the other one means when I text or chat with someone. I’m old school and I would way rather talk on the phone or meeting face to face. We throw emojis around like nothing and then when you think someone is being all cute to you, they write those same emojis to someone else and you are confused as fuck. All those winky emojis and no idea what they mean. Maybe it’s my old school self, that introverted and shy one that would love to think that some things are only for someone special, which almost sounds ridiculous now that I am writing it down here. What I’m saying here is that it’s not easy to be and want to be as open hearted as I would love to be in this world of ours these days.

“Continue to share your heart with people even if it has been broken.”

– Amy Poehler

The thing is, I think I’ve finally understood what loving someone means, or is about. I love myself in a way I never thought possible, I love my friends and others with a fiery heart, which I am very proud to own. It would be very easy to me to go back to that old miserable one who didn’t think that I would ever find someone and deserve anything good, it would. But then again, I just am nothing like that one these days. It’s okay to be terrified of love, damn it should be terrifying when you open yourself and jump to unknown with no idea what will happen on the other end. It would also be very easy to get all bitter and hate on guys, but then again, I’ve always been the other one in every situation I’ve been. So I can’t really hate on only the other one and not take any responsibility of the situation and what has happened and how I’ve reacted. In every situation with two people, there’s two people dealing it too. If I can be honest with myself with how I dealt it all and how I am dealing it, I’m good. I can forgive and let go, whatever there is to forgive and let go of.

I guess what I’m realising while writing this is that it’s okay to be afraid of love and what happens in my future, but it’s not good enough reason to stop loving and trying and being brave. What do I really have to lose?

“In the end, I want my heart to be covered stretch marks.”

-Andrea Gibson

PMA ❤

Ready For My Next Ultra Race Or Am I?!

IMG_8088“Appreciation is born through struggle.” – Unknown

A week to go, then I’ll run my third trail Ultra. I haven’t trained like I planned, life got in the way of it all. But does that even matter?

Lately I’ve been talking and heard people talking more about running than probably ever before. I am surrounded by passionate people who have goals and races they want to conquer and push themselves to. They are about pace and times, they love the things that make me cringe.

I’ve also felt at times like I am on the defense side of talking about how I run. Or why I even run. Why don’t I want to be faster? Or why don’t I want to run more road races. In another way it’s been really interesting to hear other peoples views about this whole thing. We all have our reasons, we all have gone through different paths to be where we are now. And to me, the person who is the last in the race is even more amazing than the one winning or able to run crazy fast time. Do you know what it takes to be the last? I do.

After Fyr til Fyr, I wanted to do better, I wanted to be better, I wanted to be stronger and figure out the things that went wrong there. I had a plan, for the first time ever. I started it, while knowing that I need to move my life to Copenhagen for myself. I was excited and terrified at the same time, still am. But then life started happening, more and more, and my free spirited self didn’t want to have a plan to follow and take the enjoyment out of the one thing that keeps me sane in the time of confusion. So in a way I threw that plan out the window and just enjoyed the ride.

This past week I’ve been asked about my race next week a lot, and I’ve kind of been just like yeah all good, I’m ready. Until last Monday I checked my calendar and realized that oops, it’s next week. Oh well, that’s me. That also shows how I’ve been happily just living my life, with all the ups and downs, and running on feeling. But then it came, that feeling of what I am doing in a week? I hadn’t checked the race or anything to do with it in a really long time. I just knew that I had a little run to do on that one Saturday on that small island.

I started questioning myself and what I’m doing, am I really ready, or have I done any of the things I wanted after Fyr til Fyr? Have I? Hmmm, I have no idea.

Well, that’s not completely true. I know I’m ready, mentally I’m really open and strong, even stronger than I was at the last race, that ripped me open and cleared my head. I think that’s something I’m really waiting, the ripping even more open and showing me what’s inside of me and what I really want from myself and my life. Physically I’m way stronger than I was last time, really, not because I’ve been doing what I was supposed to, but because I’ve given my body the time it needs to get better and stronger. I’ve ran with crazy tired legs and embraced the discomfort. And I know that it’s only temporary, if I do it all smart. Not over. I’ve also face planted twice in the last week, with good amount of cuts and bruises covering my body. So whatever is coming, I’m pretty much ready. Lovely, tanned girly summer legs are gone already… The ones that show that I’ve lived and hopefully learned are here :).IMG_8019

I’ve been reading a lot about different runners lately, how so many amazing Ultra runners have burned themselves completely out with having the pressure of their peers pushing the level higher and higher. I’ll attach this amazing article about over training in the end of this piece.

But the thing is, what I’ve learned the hard way, that if we really don’t listen to our bodies, they will stop us, one way or another. I injured myself with over training badly about two years ago, and I was out from running for a good three months. A time that made me face myself in a whole new way. I could either collapse under it all or I could learn what’s going on in my body and be smarter in the future. That was also the time when I promised to myself that running is what I do, not who I am. Something that I think is pretty crucial, even though without running I wouldn’t be here anymore. But it can’t be this lifeline for us.

“If you’re disappointed by running, then it’s not running that you’re actually disappointed, it’s yourself. You have to love who you are, because it’s what you got, it’s all you got. And you have to be grateful for that as well, I’m learning.” – Anna Frost  

The runners that I look up to, or feel kindred spirit to, are the ones who’ve struggled with something in their lives and came from that with a new view on this all. Anna Frost is definitely one of them. There’s a video from Salomon about her and her search for home, something I know quite well. The way she speaks about the search and how her over training got her in such a bad place that she didn’t know how to get out and didn’t want to run at all, makes me cry every time I see that clip. Sometimes someone can explain exactly how you feel, and it hits you so hard and deep that the tears just fall.

In the same way as I felt when I watched Sally Mcraes Western States journey, one of my favorite running films. The way she’s gone through things in her life, makes me feel like I’m not alone. And that’s really important. Both of those inspirational ladies talk about way more than just running. And that is the thing that is important to me.

Also the fact that they both look like me, in that sense that they are muscular and curvy and real woman without looking too dry, and for me to see women like they are is super important.

So the same gut feeling that I had when I knew that I need to move back to Copenhagen, it’s exactly the same about running Ultra distances just when I started running. I knew back then that I have that kind of tenacity in me, a side that’s willing to dig deep and go to those places where it’s not too nice, but so very real. I might never be as good as some people doing those, but I do not care. I’m doing it for myself, to peel those layers off and be open to who is under all of them.IMG_8077

The me that I have been after that last race, has been a lot to take. I’ve really been so honest and open and loving as I was straight after the race. It’s a state of being that is not the easiest all the time. In the little time that I’ve been in Copenhagen, I’ve gone through things and emotions, that make this time feel so much longer than it’s really been. I still wouldn’t change any of them away, I rather be willing to get hurt than not live. I am willing to feel the discomfort of uncertainty than be in control. I am willing to still love until I know that it’s not right. I am willing to miss the ones that I love the most, to show myself that I am filled with good and love. I am willing to get mad and let it all out, but I am also so very proud of myself for being me to the fullest. I am definitely living like I wanted, with all that I have. That’s how I’ve been running too, with all those emotions rushing through me. From frustration to anger to blissfully happy to exhaustion that makes you realize you’ve gone way over your own limits, and ending up being so proud of it all.

Next weekends race, I have no idea how it’s going to go. I don’t have a time goal, I learned from the last that anything can happen. I do want to finish the race, under the 9 hour cut off time. I do want to have fun and see what’s around me. I do want to enjoy what it has in store for me. So I am ready for it, when I really think about it, I am ready.

“If you wish to be a warrior, prepare to get broken. If you wish to be and explorer, prepare to get lost. If you wish to be a lover, prepare to be both.”

PMA ❤

Running on Empty – Over Training article on Outside Online

Gratitude Post

IMG_6161Gratitude post it is! Because I think we need more of that in this world and I’m all about enjoy the little things these days.

Last week really reminded me or kicked me in the right way to open my eyes and really see how amazing this world is. And there is so many amazing, good people.

For few months I’ve felt more and more gratitude of all that I have in my life. The opportunities, the people, the nature, just all those tiny moments we have. For many years of my life, I didn’t see or hear any of them, even though they were right in front of me.

When I started talking about my depression, really honestly speak about it, I found people around me who are there for me like a rock. Support from people who have dealt with depression and knew how I feel. I’ve got friends, thanks to depression, who are for life.

When I started seeing myself in more positive way, all my relationships got better. It’s totally okay to protect yourself from negativity, and when I finally admitted that it all started clicking on the right way.

And even through all the hard times, when I stop and remind myself from all the good I have in my life, those hard moments get the real “size” and dealing with them is a lot easier. It’s about remembering to be grateful for what you have, not what you’ve lost. Memories won’t disappear, so keep the good ones and learn from the bad.

Now, I have no hurry when I’m running. It’s totally okay to stop and look around you, really see things.

The less I have, the happier I am. I am richer in so many more ways than I have ever before. The amount of love and support, it makes me really humble and I want to thank you all for it!

It’s all about PMA ❤

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