Overwhelmed By The New. Depression. Introversion. Finding Balance.

To be honest, it’s one of those Fuck This Shit days… One where all feels are testing you for the fun of it. You wake up after first proper nights sleep but the numbness of your old damn friend depression is sinking it’s teeth to your decent morning.

Finding balance in life is one of the hardest things I know. I have a true love/hate relationship to it, as it’s a constant test of my resilience. Especially now that this year seems to be all about something new, about that moment when you are on the edge and can only jump to the unknown. Or back away and forget all that you have worked so damn hard for.

My depression has a way of finding it’s way back when I’m exhausted by a lot of good. Which doesn’t really make any sense, why would it come when things are good? Well… when I’m exhausted and overwhelmed enough, I’m not on my strongest, so it’s a great moment to find a crack in me and slither back in to make me doubt all that I am, and making me feel only numb. That fucking numbness that I hate the most.

Even though I know and realise my introversion and the need of personal space and time, it’s not always possible to have enough of that. And when I don’t have enough sleep, peace and time to reload my batteries, I tend to feel the way I do now. I haven’t had this kind of time in life in either super long or more accurately, never before. Which makes this all a learning curve, once more. But the reality is that I only want to yell and scream out loud as I feel like I know what is happening and what to do to ease it all, but so much has happened in such a short amount of time that it’s making me feel all confused and like I’m looking at all of this from outside.

This week has been already one of those that makes you think that could I please skip this one, please.

I miss my friend who passed away in December so much. I think I’m starting to realise to whole thing now, and the loss is sinking in finally. The reality of it just turns my stomach and makes me feel so sad. I know that I’m not alone but I do feel so damn alone right now. And someone saying that they are here for me isn’t helping, even though I appreciate it, this is one of those moments that I need to just feel all of this to be able to move on.

I think the news I got this Monday, or the combination of it all right now, triggered the sadness and depression of not having my friend here anymore. I had a meeting with my wrist surgeon about what’s going on with my wrist, as it’s been causing trouble lately. It wasn’t good or nice and something in it just made me fall a bit, to forget the good and feel exhausted and numb.

I will need a new operation to see what’s going on and then with high possibility another one once we know what’s going on. I know that I can’t do anything about that, and my surgeon was equally bummed as the actual bone that was fixed in the original operation is okay, but something has started causing havoc in my wrist and needs more and more fixing, to the extend that usually the operation it might need is done to old people as it will change the use on that hand so much. So, fuck.

The thing is. When there’s too much, good or bad or a mix of them, it’s too much. Now is that moment for me. It’s not going to make me give up or defeat me, but it’s making me stop and think things again, once again. It’s making me find my balance and remember the things that bring me peace to cope with all of this.

I am a complex mix of challenges, good and bad. I am introverted as hell but love to be with people, but need loads of space and peace to be able to be like that. I live with depression, it’s my forever companion whether I want it or not. I have my ways to deal with it, but there are times when it gets the best of me. That’s okay. I’m also highly sensitive, which makes me feel everything around me stronger than others. That’s okay too. I would not have myself any other way, but this mix of me can be exhausting at times.

So now I’m being honest and saying that I’m not okay but that’s okay too. These times are part of life and I have no intention of hiding them, because they make it all real.

Honesty is the thing that I remind myself, makes me strong. So fuck this shit and let’s keep moving!

PMA ❤

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People, We Need To Rest So We Can Push On With Our Dreams!

wp-1486894105825.pngI’m a massive believer in resting, mind body and soul. Without rest it’s nearly impossible to be able to push on with something that you find passionate for you, those dreams and goals. Always moving forward with the fastest speed isn’t bringing you closer to your goal, it might make you speed past it and forget to live while you’re at it.

Last year I took a long break of all I had done a lot the past years, running and writing. I didn’t feel inspired in any way, so the best thing I could do was to take a break. That was the best thing because I had time to listen to myself, fall to the depths and climb back, to remember who I am and what I want to accomplish now, and giving myself the moment to realize that it’s okay to change what you are moving towards. It’s okay to change your journey and goals, nothing wrong with that.

Looking back now, I started moving far from who I truly was the past year and that’s the main reason why I felt so lost and confused. I forgot to stay true to myself, no matter how much I wanted and thought of it. I forgot my strengths and power, the thing that makes me Me. For some reason I thought that I should change who I am to be able to get to where I wanted to head, though not even knowing where that was. So basically I was just aiming to nothing.

From the start of this year, or actually starting end of last year, something in me changed. Reminding me of who I am and that should never change. Maybe I needed to hit the wall of pain once again to remember. Sometimes that is needed, that’s it.

Now that I’ve been truly me, my life is filling with opportunities and insanely amazing moments that make me feel the biggest highs. Because I am me, I am radiating the possibility and what I have in me out of me, where others can see it and if they like it, give me opportunities to be me with them.

The reality is that once we realize that when we are true to ourselves the best things will come to our lives. It’s not easy but damn it’s good! It’s so worth it, trust me. Someone will see that and give you the chance you’ve been hungry for all these years.

But if I hadn’t taken the time out of my own life in a way, none of this would be happening in my life right now. I wouldn’t be confident enough to go after my dreams, I wouldn’t be even ready to say them to myself. So I really needed that break and to rest myself. Then and still everyday today.

Now that my life has taken massive steps forward I remind myself daily that I need to rest so that I can do what I want. I can’t let that intoxicating feeling of all the good get the best of me and realize too late that I am exhausted.

Rest is the time when you get to recharge yourself and be able to take what comes next. It’s different for all of us, but it’s equally important. And sleeping enough is one of the biggest, do not under estimate the benefits of sleep!

For me it’s meditating in the mornings with Headspace app, it’s simple enough and takes 15minutes, but the benefits are massive. I am able to start my day with a mindset that is ready to take the fast pace with calmness. I don’t have to drown myself in it anymore, I am able to stay calm and still be excited. When it comes to running, I take restdays to let my body recover, especially now that I am coming back from a long pause of normal training. I’m easing my body and mind to that all, letting that feeling come back when I yearn to run again and it feels good and is really something I want to do rather than have to do. I also keep a balance in my life with challenging myself with a new hobby, fly tying and soon fly fishing. When my life is now a lot about running and being quite social, I balance it out with time for myself in a totally different surrounding doing something that I have no clue from before. I’m also extremely grateful for this all, that I’m able to do what I am and have the opportunities I have. I do not take them for granted. I am really proud of the work I’ve done to be able to be here, but it’s taken me years and hasn’t been easy by any measure. There’s been a lot of tears, jealousy and negativity, but I wasn’t ready. I’m a working progress and always will be, now I just know and accept it. So I’m able to be ready for certain opportunities.

If we don’t rest the complex whole of our mind, body and soul, we won’t be able to do the things we want to accomplish in the end. Do not try to fool your body, that shit will always outsmart you, believe me!

And remember, really let this sink in, comparison will kill the living daylight out of you! What someone else is doing, doesn’t mean that you need to or should be able to do the same. We are all just one, and that makes us so damn special. ❤

So, rest up, ain’t nothing wrong with that! Find your way to do it and enjoy!

PMA ❤

Changes On Changes On Changes

wp-1486580137657.jpgHello diary, it’s me again, after all these changes on changes on changes…

I haven’t been sure what to write about what’s been going on in my life the past months, where my boundaries are. After last years silence on this front, I really wanted to search and see what feels right and what not to share. When I started my journey I was brutally honest about everything, now I know that there are people who know me who read this and majority don’t but they maybe feel that through this they do. But I wanted to be brutally honest to myself in what I want people to know. And it will change, like I have and will. I like that fluidity in life.

My year started with very mixed feelings, as I was mourning a dear friend who I’d lost in an accident and also celebrating a great new opportunity, becoming a coach at adidas runners Helsinki. Two things that somehow combined and intertwined. My friend was the only one who new about this opportunity before her passing. So when I got the good news, I was almost mad that she wasn’t here so I could jump for joy with her, but I knew that she is and was with me in that moment. And like I felt the proud kick in me, I knew that she would be kicking me with a proud smile on her face.

I’ve come to realize, finally, that life is all about timing. You’re not able to have the good things in your life before you’re ready to take them on. No matter how much you’ve wanted them before, all that wanting ain’t going to make them happen. You might meet the one who feels like Home, like no one before, knowing that the timing isn’t right. You might want to be in a different situation in your life, but if you aren’t willing and ready to admit what you’re ready for and what not, nothing will happen. You have to be ready. Otherwise it doesn’t work out.

You have to be willing to understand and be comfortable that you can’t always control what happens.

You might get the news that your just operated wrist might need a new operation, the thing you last wish for, but need to turn the negatives into positives. You already know how you can deal the whole thing in the deep ends.

You might lose a friend in an accident, or you might have to end a friendship because no matter how much you want to have it all in your life, it’s not good for you anymore and have to admit it. Losing someone you love hurts, there’s no way to explain it all. Whether it’s by choice or not. It hurts, a lot. But you have to let all those feelings come and then let them go. You have to put yourself first. That’s the only way to find yourself and truly be happy with YOUR life.

You might have to take an almost year long break from the things that once brought you back to life, to remember why they saved you in the first place. You can’t force happiness or passion. You have to give yourself a break to unlearn everything to learn something new again. It might be learning how to tie fly’s for fly fishing, but if that makes you happy then you need to listen to that voice that whispers in your ear “this is the best ever!”.

You have to be willing to look so close it hurts to understand that you have people who want to have you in their lives, to be able to let them close. Keeping love only in the distance ain’t doing us any favors. If you feel lonely, admit it and do something about it. Moping about it ain’t helping you either, and those walls will feel like they are falling on you faster than you thought.

You have to be willing to learn how to be uncomfortable with yourself. It’s that simple. Once you’re okay with that, the good things start to fill your days. It might be that moment you wake up and you realize that you smile again. Appreciate that tiny moment and be grateful for it at the end of your day. Put yourself out there in yourself and it will shine the hell out of you. Smile to people even if they look at you like there’s something wrong with you. For shit and giggles if not else.

I am extremely grateful for these days I have now, I am for all those that felt like shit too. I’ve worked damn hard to be where I am right now and I giving myself creds for it all. Because I’ve stayed on my own lane, I am here. With amazing new opportunities and passions. And tying those fly fishing fly’s is the thing for me, it makes my insides purr of happiness. Soon I will stand in the middle of a river with my insides purring from the thrill of it all. That’s me.

This is a life long deal with learning and making mistakes. One after another, and again and again. That’s how you find you. By being open, honest, raw, gentle, loving, grateful, passionate, angry and full of life. Your ability to admit your weaknesses is the thing that makes you strong!

PMA ❤

The Importance of PMA and Communities Right Now

wp-1484986650361.pngI might not be the most social person but even I understand that the importance for communities and bringing new to the table is ever more important. What maybe didn’t work few years ago, might work wonders now. We need to try. Make it happen.

The more our world is changing and the more the situation might be against us to bring new and make changes for the better, the more important it is. It might be a new running crew to your city to bring new people together and make new connections and bring that community aspect closer to some and bigger to others. It might be about that new small company that makes spices out of natures own delicious ingredients, but it’s something new and fresh and needed. It might be an on going campaign for winters, so that we have snow when the next generation is here. Whether it’s big or small, it’s needed and we have to be open with our hearts to that.

I think in many ways the generation I am part of, are trapped in this space of the “old” holding us tight and not be willing to let us make any changes or even listen to us with how their changes effect our future. But there’s a change happening, maybe it’s still grasroot to some, but it’s happening. We have to change, if the old and once maybe good doesn’t work anymore or only makes things worse.

It’s normal to be afraid of changes and taking risks, even if they look like they would make things better in the long run. Someone always have to be the first to make them. We can’t just hold to something that has always been, because it’s always been. The world changes and we need to change with it, whether it’s about how to reach people or being more minimalist with your life, it’s your choice. But if we just shut our ears and eyes of everything, we can just sit back and moan about everything and stay in our bubble.

A lot of the time the problem probably is that we don’t want to leave our bubble and learn new. From other people, cultures, foods, whatever, we are afraid of the difference so we rather leave it outside of our lives. But the more open we are to differences, the riches our lives will be. More we open our hearts the better our lives will be, that’s just a fact. Helping someone else has never been a bad thing. Never.

So let’s give each other a chance to show their side of the “story” whether we like it or not. Being respectful, humble and open are the ways to go and move forward. We can always learn more from each other.

We don’t have to understand the other but we can try, we don’t even have to like them, but we need to respect them. Hate has never solved anything. I doubt that it will start solving anything now. Use it as a fire to build new, rather than let it burn you from inside.

Let’s build new, open our hearts and remember PMA ❤

Running Away From Or Towards Something?

wp-1484591806749.pngOn my second run of 2017 today I was thinking of how differently we use running as a way to deal with things in our lives. Sometimes we run away from something, sometimes we run towards something or at times we just run. During my run I was thinking the different times of my running life and how different it’s been from one to another.

It’s funny to “go back” and think why and where it all started for me. Why this blog started, why I wanted to do something to change my life.

Back then I was so depressed that I didn’t have that many options to deal with it, and from all the things possible, I chose running. A thing that I deeply hated for almost 15 years before starting it again and finding it’s healing and therapeutic ways. The reason why I hated it so deeply was the fact that in my teenage years I ran track and it was all about getting faster and getting results that weren’t even close to where I could push my body, to the point that I got badly injured for quite a long time, even while I still went to my practices. It was the mindset that was planted by my coach at the time that “if there’s no blood, it can’t hurt” and other productive ways of coaching.

So with all that I started thinking how I wish to help others who run or have recently started running or struggle with their running journey. Because I’m never going to be the fast one, or the one with massive interest in all the schedules and number playing when it comes to running. I’ve gone way past my own limits with running so I know that it’s very much possible to “be more than you thought of possible” in your own body and mind. I’ve made few running dreams true and hope to have few more of those moments in my life still, but I’m not in a mindset that “I need to” because it just takes the fun out of it for me.

Something that I come across a lot and for some reason a lot in Finland, is that there’s this need to do more, push more, be more, not rest enough, do everything serious and super goal oriented. Yes that is a way of moving for some people and they get their kicks out of it, but for some reason the past years it’s been the thing that people drive themselves towards with consequences of injuries and nagging pain in their body that they rather ignore than listen. It seems and feels that if you’re goal oriented you’re doing it “right”, if not then you are just playing around.

Maybe this is only me, but seeing these images on IG of results and how much someone did and why they don’t need rest days, it just doesn’t make any sense to me. I’ve gone through my share of injuries with running, I’ve been the one posting only exercise and health food photos, maybe I needed to go through that phase of my life to find what really works for me.

Last year I basically forgot running, I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t yearn it, I needed a break from it all. Last year I was also in a place where I wasn’t able to run for quite some time, which also sparked the want to start a crew here, to start from the bottom and hopefully helps others in that same position, with the knowledge and experience I’ve gained over my few years in this all.

But the thing is, no matter how important something might be to us, sometimes we just need a break from it. We need to be honest to ourselves and listen to our gut and give our bodies and mind a break from something we’ve learned to lean to every possible time. It’s almost too easy to just run away from something through running, but does it serve a purpose then? Yes, it’s good to exercise and to get your blood moving and get rid of some of that stress that might cause the want to “run away” but it’s also insanely important to be able to stand still with yourself and go through the issue that causes those feelings. We can’t just be goal orientated in life and forget to make mistakes and learn from them and be honest and sometimes afraid or brave and take risks even with those. Being honest with yourself with what you are capable doing and what not, is not only really important but necessary for your well being. Sometimes it’s ugly and at times beautiful, but it’s necessary. None of us can plan our whole life and go with only those plans and never have to come in front of a situation that makes you think again, it would be insane way to live.

So if when I started my own journey with running, I was definitely running away from that feeling that was just like a empty hole in me, now I am running towards something I know already that I have in me, as I’ve done it more than once, but need a reminder. And if I get a feeling of being shitty or adequate next to more goal oriented runners, I try to remind myself that my strengths are in me being able to be honest with myself, being able to listen my body and mind and take those times of nothing when needed. And through my own journey and experience, I hope and feel that I’m easy to approach if needed from someone who is going through something I’ve gone through or just needs a little support or advice. I see that all as my power next to different kind of runners. I don’t need to look perfectly muscular to be “as good as them”, I need to be myself and with that I can help the most. Myself and others.

PMA ❤