Freedom

received_10155286336918458.jpegHave you ever stood next to the oceans soaring powers, spread your arms wide and just screamed from the deepest pits of your power? Well… I did the last time this past weekend and that my friends is real freedom!

There’s something insanely powerful with letting yourself feel that vulnerable as when you open your mouth and take a deep breath before letting it all out. We should do that more I am sure of that, but that doesn’t really come to mind these days, even though we have more to scream out than ever before. At least I had. It doesn’t have to be a bad feeling that or anxiety you scream out, it can be out of pure happiness! Just let yourself free from all that you’ve hold in and feel the deep rooted freedom sinking in.

But what is freedom, to you? How you manifest it in your life, or do you?

I believe that we need to go through a lot to be able to learn what freedom means to us, or at least we need to be able to stop for a bit to appreciate who we are. Stopping for a breather isn’t the cool thing these days, or let’s put that in another way, it’s way too cool to a level that you need to tell everyone you are stopping, then take a photo of that and share your stopping to everyone, to let them know you are amazing at it… Might sound harsh but it feels like it’s the truth these days.

There’s songs about walking to the beat of your drum, amazing songs I might add. But what does that mean and how do you in reality do that. Are we really free to be us in a way we truly want to be or are we deep down scared of the realness of our wishes and hopes. And yes, I am noticing I’m questioning myself a lot after my Grandpa passed away. But that’s only a good thing, it makes me push myself out of my content numb comfort zones. A bit uncomfortable at times, let me be honest. But needed and who I really am, always questioning the “norm”.

I think freedom is to walk away, it’s the power to say what you will keep carrying and what not. Freedom is the notion that you are allowed to change as many times you need. Freedom to be free from struggle that you weren’t supposed to carry in the first place, or were you? Maybe that was your way to freedom. All those steps before you set yourself free from the struggle that you needed to go through to be strong enough to know what you deserve and what not. Freedom is to stop hating yourself for what you’re not and loving what you are. The more you question, the more you level up in the game of lessons learned.

Never forget that it’s not mandatory to stay still and just accept what’s going on around you if it doesn’t make you comfortable. You are allowed, and yes I’m writing this again as it’s that important, you are allowed to change as many times you feel you need or want!

Love yourself enough to let yourself free from the chains you’ve built around you.

PMA ❤

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Loneliness Or Just Reflecting Yourself?

photo by Anni Vaara

photo by Anni Vaara

That loneliness in a crowd feeling. It creeped up on me last weekend at my dear friends surprise birthday party. It crept and didn’t leave me be for couple of days.

I haven’t felt alone or lonely in really really long time, and now it just hit me hard. Maybe it’s part of me being an introvert and not feeling too comfortable in a group of people that are all social and bubbly and me not knowing most of them, and not being that much into going and asking someones name and starting a conversation. I instantly feel like some third wheel on a completely another level… I just wanted to leave the whole thing and not feel like that.

Maybe because I’ve been so much surrounded with people that are close friends of mine or who I get along great with, that I haven’t had this feeling in a long time, or maybe I’ve just been so busy at my work that I haven’t had any of these changes to be all lonely in a group.

There was few things that made me feel like I didn’t belong, first pretty much all the people there were in a relationship and there with their halfs, and I have nothing against that, I love seeing people happy. But something in it made me feel very alone and weird, like I wasn’t enough like I am, without someone. But at the same time I felt a bit, after a long time too, that it would be nice to have someone at times to share some parts of my life. Not all the time, everyday yet but at times, like Sundays haha, you probably get the point. But it would be very nice to cuddle next to someone who makes me laugh and feels comfortable and likes to spend time with me and wants to get to know me better.

“…You move on when your heart finally understands that there is no turning back.”

– J.R.R. Tolkien

I am definitely at a point in my life where I’m learning, the last pieces, to put myself first and enjoying what that all can bring, but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t want to feel special at times too. There’s something about that feeling when you get a text from someone who instantly makes you smile. But then I’m thinking if I would even have time to have someone in my life, probably the easiest would be to have someone in another country so it would be hard to feel bad that you want to be alone and not feel guilty that you just want to take things very slow and learn who the other one is, see each other from time to time to see how you feel.

Though, is that really possible?

Somethings that I really won’t compromise anymore are that I won’t be anything else that I am, I’ve done so many compromises with that in the past years in relationships that no more, thank you. If you want me to be something I’m not, please keep moving, I have no interest with the same love, that just breaks me and makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me and how I love.

Maybe that was why I felt surprised by that deep lonely feeling, I haven’t truly felt like that in a long time, it felt new almost. Almost like I am not enough or like there’s something wrong with me, which is all bullshit, there’s nothing wrong with me and I am more than enough!

“I am mine. Before I am ever anyone else’s.”

– Nayyirah Waheed

I feel like these days we want to make everything so hard with all these million ways of communication and it just makes me feel confused and yearn to those old days when you called to the one you were interest in and talked and maybe saw them and that’s it. Maybe it’s me, I am so open and honest with everything, without a filter with my feelings that I tend to freak others out. Then again, I don’t want to filter myself because I wouldn’t be who I am if I would.

Maybe it was good to feel a bit lonely like I did last weekend, it reminded me that I have a tendency to feel like that in a group without it really meaning that much more. I just like to be in a smaller group of people and not have to be super social with unknown people. And it was good to me to admit that I would like to have some warmth from another person in my life. And there’s nothing wrong with that either. But it’s also good to admit that I wouldn’t want or be ready for a serious relationship now. So all in all, it was good to feel how I felt. To reflect all that is and has been going on. Maybe there’s someone that makes me smile these days, maybe he knows. All I know is that my life is good as it is at the moment, but cuddles and those different kinds of hugs are welcome too. And I have to remember and maybe wish that we all remember, that we all were strangers to each other once.

LOVE. HARD. UNFILTERED. BE YOURSELF. PMA ❤

 

If I Lose Myself, I Lose It All

IMG_0368I’ve obviously entered the next chapter of my life lately. There has been the biggest storm and just pure amount of what the fuck in it, that has only made me stronger and made me see things clearly.

“She survived whatever happened; she forgave, she became.” 

-W.H.Auden, The Model

I’ve gone through the hardest and best summer and especially the last month. The last year has been just WOW, and here I am still. Trucking along, feeling happier and more blessed than ever, though never been all around this tired in my life.

I think in a way I’ve finally woken up, finally realized that I am me and I have no interest in changing one damn thing for anyone else. I’ve always been the one who adapts to whatever the other one is going through, forgetting myself and being there for them. But the situations have been one sided, I’ve been the one there, not equally. Not anymore. I’m tired of that.

I know that I have a habit of being too nice, which usually ens up me getting hurt. Happened again. But this time I’m not alone, I have the best safety net around me. I don’t have to go through all of this alone. That humbles me to the bone. I’ve honestly wanted to have this feeling since I was a kid, always been too afraid of actually letting people this close that they can be there for me. I finally stopped fighting and let them come. The scariest and best thing I’ve ever done.

Now that I am entering this new chapter of my life, once more, I feel anxious and uncomfortable, because I’m not sure what I should do or feel. I hate this feeling, it makes me want to jump out of my skin. While I’m in a way more comfortable in my skin than ever before.

After having one of the best weekends with old and new running friends, explaining my weird life situation, I started thinking if I am doing the right thing by staying and trying my best in Copenhagen. The faces and reactions of people when they hear that I don’t have a home or even a job at the moment, they made me think about this whole thing in a different way. Am I doing the right thing, am I?

When you’ve lived the way I am now, for as long as I have, you adapt to things easier and differently than you ever thought possible. You don’t stress about certain things at all, that used to make you feel like it’s all going to hell. If you would’ve said to me in my early twenties that when I’m 31, I won’t have a place to call home, I’m without a job and I’m single and still no idea what I want to be when I grow up, I would’ve laughed at you and said that hell to the no! I was so comfortable and wanted things to be comfortable, so much so that I ended up fucking up that whole thing and make my life harder than it ever should’ve been.

So now that I have this situation as my current life, I am still happier than ever before. I feel richer than ever before, not in money but with pure blessings in my life. I’ve been hurt more than I thought possible. I’ve gone through more than I thought possible and still standing here not ready to give up. I’ve loved more than I thought possible, only to realize that I am alone in that. But I’ve also finally being in the moment and lived my own life, my OWN life. Not caring what someone else thinks of it.

“Continue to share your heart with people even if it has been broken.”

-Amy Poehler

I do have moments, when I think that what is going to happen, where am I going to end up. I look at people that are my age, doing those things that I thought that I would been doing at this age. Being in a relationship, maybe married, hopefully have kids, sharing my life with someone, have a home that looks like me, have a job that pays the bills and enables me to travel if I feel like it. Isn’t all of that what we should want and have at this point in our lives? I do have moments, not easy to admit, when I think “when is my time”?

I’ve been running away from myself for most of my life, and I feel that I’ve finally stopped. I don’t hate myself anymore, I love myself. I am starting to know who I really am and really enjoying all of that. I feel my strength and it scares the shit out of me at times. My ability to love and forgive is insane. And I absolutely love that about myself. I see or at least try to see things in a positive way, even when shit gets very real. I still have things so much better than so many other people. And that is what keeps me humble. I have to remember how lucky I am.

I met some people last weekend that just made me feel insanely calm and like I want to have their company for long in my life. They’re calmness made the noise around me disappear and instantly made me feel good and at peace. I wish I could tell that to them and make them understand how special they are. But feel that after meeting once it’s a bit too much to just put out there. Maybe it’s not, I truly don’t know. Maybe some of them reads this and understands that I am talking about them.

“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”

-Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things

 Letting go has been one of the hardest things for me, but once I finally did understand it, the freedom it brought was sweet. I think all of us deep down want to believe in the good in others, which makes us love them harder than we should. With the price of our hearts getting dragged around and thrown away. I am definitely done that. But this is the first time I let go, truly let go and saw how I have done nothing wrong and could forgive to be free again. That stuff is hard and I have no idea why I was able to do it now. Why now and not before? Maybe because I’m really not the person I was before.

In the face of all the new in my life, almost missing people that I don’t even know, feeling scared of what will happen, thinking if I’ll be a nomad for the rest of my life, I still feel stronger than ever before. When I think of all that has been going on, I could easily crumble under the weight, but I’m fighting. I’ve found this warrior in me that is not ready to just give up and crawl under a rock. I have so much in me that needs to be let out and I need to enjoy every step that I have on this planet. I have so many places to visit. I have so much love in me to shine out and give. I have so many kisses and hugs that I need to give and receive.

I have finally, finally, understood that if I lose myself, I lose it all. I am all I have, and I am enough. And I don’t need to know straight away everything, or know what needs to happen next or where I need to be next. I just need to give myself a break to breath and listen to myself. I need to give myself a break to be patient. All will work out.

“Someday someone won’t be afraid of how much you love. They won’t stay on the shore; they’ll meet you in the depths.”

PMA ❤

Body Appreciation

IMG_6769I’ve been having a hard time with accepting my evolving body.

It’s not only about the fact that all this running and trying to eat better obviously has changed how I look but realizing that I’m getting older and how that effects the skin I live in.

For some reason it’s super hard for me to see the true me when I look in the mirror. When I was at my biggest, I was around 80kg and I’ve gone from that to less than 60kg and everything in between. And that has left marks on my body and a relationship that is not the best at times.

I’ve always felt that I have quite masculine built in me, broad shoulders for a girl, hard jawline. Without any make up I look kind of androgynous… Not sure if the strength and power in that all always pleases me, though in a way it’s pretty amazing. Not that bad to look strong.

But it’s always made me feel that I don’t know how I truly want to look, and what to wear, is my ass too big for this and that. No joke, just in reality it’s been too this and that quite a few times. And if I’ve found what I want to wear, I feel like I’m the poor mans version. Why?! Why do I see the “flaws” first when looking at the photo in the beginning of this post. Why don’t I see that strong ass back of mine, which carries me everyday. How amazing it is to have a strong back?!

And my relationship with food has been really weird for, well pretty much my whole adult life. I still haven’t found a way to have a healthy relationship with food. Struggle is definitely real. I’ve always been a feeling eater, no matter how I felt, I always ate. Or didn’t eat, I’ve had those periods too. Not completely off from food but when I felt confused with all else, I think I was controlling at least that part. And the same goes with eating too much crap. Chips/crisps… my eternal battle. Whether I feel bad or good, I always go for them. Even though they are the sole reason, pretty much, that I weighted that 80kg. They make me feel like shit most of the time, but of that salty yum.

And now… I’m getting old, at least I’ve understood that. So, how my body takes this all now. All of sudden all that became real and I thought to myself, shit I can’t do whatever all the time anymore and wish for some magic trick to save me.

The truth is that I’m terrified of really looking how I know that I want to and I already did few months ago, before I totally freaked out and sabotaged the whole thing. Yay! I have that all in me, I just need to believe that I’m 100% worth it and I’m allowed to be damn proud of my hot body!

I have those moments, that I look at myself and think that I’m beautiful and hot and sexy, but lately I’ve been really lost and just don’t find that confidence in myself and try to seek it from somewhere else, without getting it and obviously seeking something like that doesn’t really help, it just messes with your head. You feel like your worth is based solely on your looks and oh my, I’m so much more than that! I just need to realize and truly see how amazing I am these days! IMG_6774

That part of myself annoys me so much, to put myself down like that and not seeing how huge of a difference is the me today and the me two years ago! I’m mad that I feel that I need that outside confirmation of my looks to believe it, and would I even believe it if someone said it… Because I’m really shitty at taking any kind of compliment. So a bit of a catch something something.

The thing is that when you change as much as I have in such a short amount of time, it would be weird to not be confused but when all these new feelings come and try to trip you over, that stuff is a lot to take.

Since I’ve started feeling better about myself, I’ve started feeling stronger, more feminine, sexier, powerful and just more like goddess. Yeah, that’s the word. I’m able to stand in front of people and be all yeah this is me! But I also still compare myself to others, because I’m not strong enough yet.

But I think we all need a confirmation of this all, we need someone to come to us and say that Damn! It’s natural. That’s what I feel that I need, though I do try to say that to myself when looking in the mirror. Because I need to be thinking like I’m the hottest, it has to come from me.

Before I wanted to blend in the back round, now I want to be standing proud and be bravely ME! I think my presence needs to match my loud laugh haha :D.

I am so proud of who I am and am becoming, so so proud! Because first time ever, it’s only me whose done it all, no one else, only me. And I should be proud!

I want to accept that this all is part of my journey and it’s natural to be all confused but I also need to remember how far I’ve come already. And the great thing is that I have no idea where I’m going, but I do know that it will be amazing!

I want to be fiercely proud of my hard work and achievements, that’s my goal! And I am hot! Goddamn!IMG_6755