When Stoke Level Is Just Below Zero

IMG_7995And here it is, the exhaustion of it all, of all the new and the try and just tiredness.

I’ve been in this place before, this is not the first time I have this feeling and this bullshit exhaustion in me. It comes every time I’ve moved to somewhere new, hell it comes sometimes even without the move.

I’ve been pushing on like no other, really liking the push, being able to forget that I might get tired of it too. Somehow you always forget how much this all takes out of you. All the new, all the new places, the people, all the questions of this and that about why you moved. And there comes a time when you would love to say “can I live?”. Nothing mean or negative, because it’s really nice that people care and are interested, but being on this side it can get a bit much.

Moving countries is never a walk in the park, or if you’re able to do it like that, you are definitely a super human and I don’t know how you do it. But I’m not a super human, I am me and I get these days when I just have nothing in me, I don’t mean that I want to give up but my stoke level is definitely below zero.

You feel alone as fuck, pardon my french in this post, and that feeling is the worst. Especially when I know that I’m not, but that gut wrenching of feeling alone. I hate that! Fuck I hate that!

You feel like what am I even doing? Why do I have to be the one who fucking follows her heart and jumps to unknown and just believes in all that? Why don’t my heart just be happy with settling and doing what I’m supposed to? But it doesn’t work like that. And I don’t even want to. Even though this is crazy hard at times, I really honestly don’t even want anything else.

You feel like you’re on top of the world and then you fall so hard and then you need to cry it all out and then you feel even more tired and in the middle of that all, you know that it will be okay. The happiness hasn’t left, it’s just taking a break to let the fear of all the new come to the surface. And oh hell, I am so afraid. I am afraid of failing, which I really don’t want to. This is the moment in my life when I don’t want to fail. I know that I can’t give up, and I’m not going to. But I am genuinely terrified! IMG_7773

I’m so stoked for others and there for them, that I tend to forget how much I have going on in my life at times. That happened again, slow learning process I guess… And it feels like you’ve gone through so much and so much time has passed, and you realize that it’s all happened in the last two weeks. So feeling overwhelmed is an understatement.

And there I was this morning with all this inside of me, in a way knowing what is going on and why I feel this tired but not really giving it the chance that it needed. And started my long run with a group of people. And I just felt like shit, nothing to do with my body, my mind was so tired that I almost wanted to puke. I’m so thankful that a friend, whose moved around and is not from here was running with me. The fact that I was able to say how I felt to someone who actually understood how I felt, so needed. But sometimes you need to get it all out, and in my case out of my eyeballs.

On top of this, I’ve always this thing in me, my whole life, that I know when something is happening to someone else. I know it before they say anything, or even realize it themselves. Some see things, I just get this feeling and I know. It can be so exhausting at times. And today it really was. There are days when you just would rather not know anything.

But that’s not life, life doesn’t care if you’ve had a rough day or week or feel tired. It goes on like it has before, and it should. And I never wanted to have a life with no ups and downs. So I am getting exactly what I ordered. Oh the irony!

You will get disappointed by the people you care and trust the most. And even on times when you really wish it would not happen. Friends that have been there for you, are so rapped up in their own that they don’t see or hear when you really need them. And this is the thing with loving unconditionally, you should never expect getting what you give, that’s not love, that’s business. IMG_7922

But it would be nice to have that text that says, how are you, without any reason.

I have this one person in my life, one that I care about a bit more than others. And the fact that having really rough time in their life and not maybe being able to ask that question, they still did. And how grateful I am to have that one in my life. The fact that they just listened, and let all those hopeless tears just pour out of me and still give me that much needed love and reminding me of what I have, and making me feel like I truly am not alone. It makes me tear up now when I think how important that was and is. I hope they understand how important they are to me for that and all the other they bring in my life. All I can say thank you <3.

I have to remind myself, once again, that being nice to myself is equally important as doing that to others. Actually even more. But it’s also okay to feel like this. It’s okay to feel like shit and be afraid and terrified. And it’s important to have patience with those things that are the most important. Give yourself and others time to really realize what’s going on, as it can all get a bit forgotten under the pure pace of things. And ask for help and say when you need a friend.

I might feel all to the max and even a bit over, love like there’s no tomorrow, forgive things that others think that I should never do, but at least I am staying true to myself and being me. That’s the biggest thing for me. I have no interest anymore in regretting what I do or say, because I know I open my mouth only when something worthy comes out. No more fighting against things that make no sense. How ever hard being me is at times, I still do not want to change anything about it. I am still very much blessed to be the me I am today.

So. After all of the shitty feeling, I am thankful for all that happened today and the past days. Hard and exhausting, I would not change a moment of it. These are the moments when I see the change in me and the ones that teach me so much more. And make me realize how goddamn strong I really am. And it happens again, while I type this all, I smile again without no special reason, the happiness is just rising it’s head and the love is pouring in me and out of me. I’m back and actually I was never away, this is me.

PMA ❤IMG_8010

 

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Wanted : Dirtbaggery Life

IMG_5394For the past 6 months at least, I have notice this change in myself. I yearn for a place that I can be alone in peace, in the middle of fields or forest or just any nature. I yearn to live more simply. With less. To have my life in a backpack and that’s it. Well, books with that, but maybe they could fit in there too.

The more I get to know who I really am, the more I know which direction I want to go. Like Buddha said “The trouble is, you think you have time.”. I feel like my life has started for the first time this year and I want to make the most of it. Not put my yearnings under a mat anymore. I want to go forward.

Now that I am working again, I yearn more of my dirtbaggery days, when I could just run and be out in the nature for a good 3 hours. But at the same time I know that without working at least a bit, I’m not able to do what I want in my future. And I am enjoying my work so it’s just an adjustment.

But balancing your dirtbaggery dreams to your “normal, grown up, proper” life, isn’t too easy. I notice how the moment I have bit of money and I talk about nothing in general level, I feel this pressure, like all of sudden I need to be able to do something. When you have no money, no one expects anything. This all might sound really selfish and dickheadish. I don’t mean that I want to free ride on others my life, no no no. I mean that I am okay to live with really little, I find that to make me feel better. But it’s not generally okay this day of the world. We need to have the best and the newest and more more more all the time!

I was once like that, but I did that to hide how I was really feeling. And after crashing and burning hard, I realized that no materialistic matter will make me happy, if I don’t take a good, long look at myself and go through those dark places to find the light, in a way.

I’m 30 now, so I have most of my life ahead of me. The last 10 years were the hardest in my life, my 20’s were not anyhow times that I feel that I need to reminisce. Well maybe if I want to remind myself of how I shouldn’t do things…

Next year, 2015, is going to be a year that I want to show myself that I love myself enough to go forward with my dreams, and not listen what others feel about them.

My ultimate dream is to be able to run as much in the trails as possible, write about things that I find passionate and live as simply as possible.

But I also feel and see this pressure now that I am back in the “real, grown up” world. All of sudden I think that my winter jacket isn’t fashionable enough, do I have shoes that make me look cool enough, I don’t have any shirt that I would like to wear… Those ridiculous thoughts that don’t mean a thing. But still they come from nowhere and torment your mind. I hate that. That’s exactly what I wanted to leave behind. This doesn’t mean that I want to not care at all how I look, I do respect the occasion where I go and the people there with the choices I do with what I have on. But I have no need or want to go into this moremoremore thinking.

My Grandpa said to me when I was younger, the best advice: ” A poor man doesn’t have the money to buy cheap”. Meaning that when you don’t have a lot of money, you have to make smart decisions with how you use your money. So at the moment I rather save money to be able to buy something really long lasting and quality whatever. These days that’s not the easiest thing to find. But I have always being inspired by Patagonias way of doing business. They have figured how to make long lasting sustainable products, with the greatest respect to the nature and keeping it alive.

I saw this amazing movie last night, “Tracks”. One woman’s journey to be in peace and alone. Walking through Australian desert alone, with three camels and a dog. After I saw the trailer I knew that I need to see the movie. It touched so close to me and my yearning. I knew exactly what she meant with wanting to just be alone. Oh, how I know that feeling! But also learning that sometimes we need help and other people too. If you go and see one movie this year, make it that one, you won’t be disappointed.

I know that I share my journey quite openly here and in my Instagram, but I don’t find me being open with my feelings that bad. I understand that it’s not the easiest thing to do for most of us. It’s not to me either, I just have learned that it helps me go forward and is therapeutic for me. And if I can inspire or motivate or what ever someone, then I am doing something good.

So, my goal from no on is to follow my heart and going towards my dreams, even when others don’t understand them. I have to be true to myself while respecting others in their dreams and choices. I don’t know yet what will be my “Tracks”, but I know that that’s what I am meant to do, to be able to stay true to myself. PMA. ❤

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