Almost A Year, Since…

It’s so close to a year since I lost my Grandma. I look at the calendar and remember too well how these days felt last year.

A year ago after she passed away, I made a decision of running the Copenhagen Half in her memory. And this year, I will do the same. Now only less than a month to go to that day, I am feeling really anxious at times when running. I feel like I am not sure what the feelings I have inside of me are.

She was the first family member that I lost, that meant so much to me. Kind of one of those who you think will never die, but then she was gone.

I remember the last time I was with her, little over a year ago, just before I moved the first time to Copenhagen. She said to me that I need to be brave and really make this happen for myself. I deserve to be happy and have a life that I want. Last year I didn’t have that all in me, now I do but I am terrified if I will make it really happen.

And in a way that fear makes me mad, because she believed in me, which was a bit of a confusing thought after all she knew I had gone through and done.

But that is what I should believe myself, to believe that I do deserve all the happiness and what I wish to have in my life. I’ve gone through a lot to be where I am, so it’s my time.

I am running for her again, the only roadrace that I am running this year, giving the medal to my Grandpa, because it’s not about me and it means a lot more to give it to him. I have no idea how this year will go, I want to make her proud and I know that I will, by just trying my best.

I love you and miss you like no one else. You are always with me. ❤

Just before last years race, when all of the tears and hurt came out at once.

Just before last years race, when all of the tears and hurt came out at once.

 

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Pain Makes You Love With All You Are – Run That Set Me Free

IMG_7600What I’ve learned in life is that you have to go through the pain to be able to embrace it and be free again. What I’ve also learned, is that once you’ve done that you are so open and loving that it’s insane.

Today I ran in the same place I did last September, the morning of the burial of my Grandma. I ran in a forest she called fairytale forest in my childhood. A place where she pushed my imagination and encouraged me to be exactly the special one I am.

But when I left for my run, I knew where I wanted to go but not why. Once I arrived at this spot in the forest, I knew. It was that spot I stopped on that morning, and I felt like she was with me in that pain that day, and today I felt that she’s there with me to console me in that pain that I need to release and embrace it all from now on.

I was sitting there and crying, for the first time because of her in such a long time. So much had happened since I lost her, that I felt with all my being that I haven’t really been able to say goodbye and say some things, like how much I really miss her. Because I really do.

I was just talking to her, out loud alone there, telling her things that I was afraid of, proud of, what I’ve been doing and what and who she would really like. And that I promise that I keep pushing on with keeping my dreams and my happy first. That was what she said to me before she passed away, and that was and has been the thing that’s been pushing me on when shit gets hard.

But this was also the first time I was in a situation where I’ve lost someone that important, someone who’ve helped me grow to that person I am now. Who’ve believed in me when I’ve really didn’t deserve that, at all. She didn’t understand why I ran but she saw how good it made me feel and how it had changed me to better and more to that special me.

I lost that me, for a good ten years, completely lost the one I truly was, because I thought that that wasn’t good. The pressure and uncertain feelings from outside got the best of me and I lost myself. But now I am back and I know that she’s pushing me on and that she’s so proud of me.

I needed this pain that I went through today, all the tears, all the sadness to be able to let go of what I had been holding. I needed to say out loud how much I really miss her. And how thankful I am of all she ever did for me. The amount of love she gave to me, made me humble the last year and showed and taught me how to really love myself and others. That kind of love makes you strong, so strong.

But I know that she would be so damn proud of where I am now, of all the work I’ve done with myself and how far I’ve taken myself. Jumping to unknown with the trust that all will be okay. Not that she would done that, but she supported me in those jumps whether she understood them or not. And she was honest in what she felt, and I loved that about her. It didn’t feel too good always, but we all need that someone in our lives who gives us that tough love and just grounds us. She really did that at times. Thank you <3.

Now I feel that I’m ready to let her go, and be able to just embrace the love that she had and still have for me. She’s always going to be with me, part of my life. In those small moments, like when I see beautiful flowers, I always think of her, no question.

So, sometimes a run is so much more than just a run and today was just that. But I still let running heal me, like it has always before and embrace it all. I still don’t have tools to handle things like this but I’m able to take them and give myself the time I need to figure the right way for me. And because of her, I think that the Copenhagen Half will be the only road race I’ll run this year and years to come, it will always be a tribute race for her.

Love you, <3!