Tired Of Struggling. In Life. Honestly

IMG_0752-0I’m so damn tired of struggling. In life. With those basic adult things that others seem to have all down. Struggling with everyday issues, like money, like where to live as a 32 year old, what to do for living to be able to be independent, like not feeling as lost with this all as I in all honesty do.

It’s close to 5 years or maybe even more since I had my own place to call home. A place that I paid the rent for and had like I want my home to look like. I didn’t have much there but it was mine and it was my safe haven where I could just be.

It’s almost 10 years since I had normal adult person bank credits, as in not having lost them, as in not having a big ass debt, and now being in a situation that I feel at times that I don’t have a future. Because I messed up as a very young and confused person, with severe mental health issues at the time. And I was medicating that feeling with buying and trying to be someone I’m not, because I was so afraid to really open myself and admit that I need help.

It’s a long long time since I had a regular day job, where I get a proper paycheck once a month, and with that being able to live a normal life, without the day to day struggle that I am in now.

My depression is definitely one big reason for being in my situation now. The fact that I lived in a time when having the certain outlook of yourself was so important played a part too. Me growing up when Finland had a huge economic depression, and not having maybe what others had, has something to do with it too.

And when I had my first real job, I just used my money like there was no tomorrow, because all of sudden I had some and it was mine. To make one thing very clear, I never felt that I was missing something growing up, I could not been more loved. But something in that time has left it’s marks in my age peers. I talked about this with my oldest friend just last week and we deeply agreed. Either you grew up to be super cheap and saved all your money, or you went to my direction.

The thing is that I’m not the only one with this situation, there’s too many of us in Finland, which is really sad. Things were different back then, too easy to get easy money and get trapped in it all. We are, I am, paying the price with my life. Pretty literally.

And when you try, you change your thinking and how you see the world, and go mentally forward. Ask for help, get help, open the whole bunch of embarrassing issues and go through them. Try to find a solution, find one but feel so tired at the same time, because you feel that you are just drowning and never being able to live a normal life again.

Now, almost 10 years later, my life is better in many ways that I couldn’t even dream back then. Myself, me, I am good. I have my ups and downs, my depression tries to creep up on me, but I have tools to live with it and I have the right kind of people around me. I’ve grown so much as myself that I still find it hard to see for myself. I don’t see my worth, there are moments but I need the reminder all too often from my friends. Material things just don’t mean what they did before, my belongings fit in my 120L Patagonia duffel bag still, except for all my books. I am happiest when I have really little. BUT. I am in a situation where I live at my parents place, not because I want to or enjoy it, but because I don’t have any other option, unless I find an apartment from the city, with council housing with the longest lines, where I live. I am 32, and I live at my parents. I feel the pressure to find my own place, for my own peace, for the peace of our whole family as this is not the way it’s supposed to be. I am insanely blessed to have this kind of family, because without them I have no idea what would’ve happened. I don’t know if I can ever really express how grateful I am for this and all before this. And it is very embarrassing to be the one that your closest friends pay lunches for because they know your situation, but at the same time know much it means to you to be able to pay for it yourself.

I am so tired of struggling. I am so tired of trying and working hard and trying and working hard and failing again and again. That might be more in me, the failing part of it, but it’s very real feeling in me. My trust in my own future is hanging on very thin thread at times. I made a simple mistake when I was young, mistake that snowballed so fast that it took over me, and now at my age I am paying such a huge price that it’s snowballing over my current life and trying to suck the last faith and hope out of me. I am struggling at days to have any kind of interest in trying, I’ve noticed how my depression has creeped it’s ugly self back and trying to get me to slowly give up. I know better but when you feel like the biggest loser example of how NOT to do things, it’s really fucking hard to not give up.

I have a feeling that some people think that I have somehow loads of money and because of that am able to do certain things. Nope. I don’t. I struggle every damn day to be able to eat lunch, because if I do, I know that I won’t probably have money for the whole month. I’ve been interning for quite many years, with really small amount of money in the hopes of it all getting better with getting that job after the interning period ends. Things don’t always go as you or your workplace hopes.

The choices I make with my money, are very thought out, I buy quality clothes and shoes so that they last long, my running gear is very very used and I am so blessed to have been given some gear from my friends all over the world, without them my running life would be a lot harder. I might prioritize my money to being able to travel to a place where I’ve never been to see those people I love the most, who I don’t see as much I would want and need to. But that all means that I will be so broke that I need to think half way through the month if it all makes sense. It does when I see my friends and am able to hug them and feel like a whole person, even for a weekend.

I still don’t have a clue where I would feel like home. I am still searching for my home place, country, spot, whatever. It’s not in Finland, but this is the place I need to be now, whether I want or not, and I need to do my all to make it good while I am here.

And now that I am waiting to get my wrist operated and knowing that after that I’ll be out of the working game for few months, doesn’t make me feel any better, it makes me proper terrified, to the broken bones and back. Try to feel hopeful for your future with all of this…

The thing is that I know how blessed and privileged I am, and that keeps me very damn grounded. I have a life that is so good, I have too much to complain at all. But fuck I’m tired of this.

The saddest thing is that this almost seems to be like the new norm these days, there’s too many in too many different places who struggle, in one way or another, young people who are trying to see their future and trust in it while the world and it’s situation makes it nearly impossible. We’re being divided more and more to those who live and those who struggle with the simplest things in life. And we all just want to be happy, do something we enjoy most of time, be loved and love back, just the simplest things in life, nothing crazy.

I am so happy that my mental health is in a place where it is now, if I was in such a bad place as I was in my early twenties, I don’t think I would be here anymore with all of this. I am so happy to have my family and my friends in my life. I am so happy that I know myself the way I do. I am so happy to be able to grow older and be more and more confident in my choices and life and how I live and love it. I am so lucky, but I am also so fucking tired of struggling. I don’t need to have anything grandioso, I wish to have a little place to call my own home, to have a job that ables me to provide for myself, I still don’t want to have that much more than that one Patagonia bag.

The struggle makes you tired and sad. I am tired of that. But the deepest feeling is still hope and faith in better in me. So if you wonder why I am able to smile and laugh so much, it’s because I truly have gone and am going through something that makes me appreciate the simplest things in a way that I never thought possible.

ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE. LOVE. FAITH. HOPE. PMA ❤

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29 Days Of Gratitude – Day 29 The Late Edition

12803124_10153971209752726_7527504342632920985_nWOW!

How time flies and makes you feel like you’ve done nothing even when you know that you’ve done crazy much…

That’s how my last week and last day of my challenge definitely was. So much, too much to be honest.

The things I’ve noticed even more when going gets rough and you feel so small in front of it all, is that with the right people in your life, you’re going to be able to push it through. It took me many many years to realise who are the right people to let close and I’m now reaping the benefits of my mistakes and teachings of those mistakes. Life is about learning, day in day out, and this matter with people isn’t any different.

I love how the ones I have the closest know exactly what I’ve gone through and in their own way can reflect it all. The fact that you’re able to be long without talking and then when you do, it feels like no time has passed. That is the best, and those people are worth keeping close.

What I’ve learned this past month is that life has a way of almost testing you until you admit what is right and what wrong, it will steer you to your right path with the right people to do what you’re supposed to do. And it’s up to you if you’re going to listen and learn or keep going and fight and fight against it all. The uncertainty of it all is actually a gift to be embraced. We only have this moment, not before or next, just now. And that is definitely something I am learning to believe and let be, to make myself appreciate truly this moment.

I can plan something in my future and I can have goals and work towards them, I can have dreams and wishes, but I just have to be patient with whatever it is and see how life goes on.

The things that are important to me now are so different and also so the same as I had before this past month. But the thing I wanted to gain from it was to be more positive and be able to let go of the negativity I held so close to me. I’ve noticed a difference in myself and I’ve also surprised myself with my openness and bravery, and how insanely relentless and strong I am. Something I seem to forget so often.

One thing that I’m 50% struggling and 50% embracing, is the fact that the past is past and I can’t let it define who I am now, because I am so far from who I was back them. My mistakes from my past are with me in certain things still in my everyday life, but I am not the same and that makes the difference. I am working and have been working hard to be better than I was before, and I know and want to believe that I’ve succeeded in that. And will keep working till my last day here. We are a work in progress forever. And I think that’s the best part, we can never be ready or done. We have to trust in what we are at that moment and see what happens.

Whenever I’ve felt the most exhausted and felt lost and like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, I’ve managed to in the end got out and be better and stronger than before. And I’ve realised that damn, that was the exact thing I needed to do and go through to be where I am now. So thank you February for almost kicking my ass, I expect you showing me something amazing in my near future ;).

LOVE. PATIENCE. GRATITUDE. EMBRACE YOUR STRUGGLES AND TRUST YOUR JOURNEY. PMA ❤

 

29 Days Of Gratitude – Days 19 To 28

img_3800Days just fly by and so much has happened. Apologies for not writing anything, life took over and my energy levels weren’t as high as I hoped all days, or then I just decided to live my life without writing anything. Both good reasons for me. 🙂

To sum up these days.

Something that I did start embracing earlier already, the confusion that life throws at you at times. Or some times more than you would wish for. I think it’s something that is good to take in and just try to go with the flow. We can never really know what will happen or control everything, which is good, so it’s better to just trust your journey and keep pushing on.

I think for me, trusting this journey of mine has been a bit harder lately. Even though I know and I have this certainty in me that all will be okay and that all my dreams and goals are moving forward. But still, embracing the uncertainty is not the easiest. Working progress for sure.

I’ve also really understood how important having the right kind of people around you is. I’ve learned it day by day the past couple of years, but it goes on with little extra pushes at times. And I’ve had the best moments lately, reminding me of just that.

Patience, that’s becoming my friend more and more. I’m learning and I’m not and will never be great at it, which is okay. But I’m getting better at it. It’s part of this trusting my journey thing. Without patience I will not make the right decisions or let myself really be me without rushing.

I’m so loved up and proud of the people I’m able to push forward and support. A great friend just went and won the Finnish Eurovision and she is going to be competing in Stockholm in May!! I could not have been any prouder of Sandhja for being exactly who she is and killing it all with so much love and character!! My voice might be far from normal now and legs tired from all that dancing and singing, but yesterday was amazing. Watching her from few meters, doing her thing to the fullest!! Support your friends, that’s what it’s all about! ❤

I kind of love the challenge life is giving me, it makes me follow my dreams braver than I’ve done before. It makes me take risks that I know in me that I will only reap so much benefit and memories and experience. It’s not easy always, thank goodness it’s not. I get to live my life with the best people, loving pretty much every moment of it and getting to support my friends as much as I can while doing this all! How great is that!!

Let’s love this all, it’s not going to last forever. LOVELOVELOVE. And be appreciative of what you have. Remember that good attitude of gratitude and love some more. ❤ PMA

29 Days of Gratitude – Day 18

Photo by Markus Kontiainen

Photo by Markus Kontiainen

This will be simple.

I am grateful today for the uncertainty that life throws at you.

It’s not something that is easy to be grateful for, but I had to admit to myself that that’s exactly what I need to be. I need to embrace the uncertainty and feel it and ask for help and think what I can do with it.

” Lord knows that you can’t trust your head, when you’re standing on the edge.”

– Sia – Footprints

This time I am learning. I am moving forward. I am taking the moment, the day, the day as it comes. Trying not to overthink something that I just don’t have an idea of yet. Before I actually know the facts. Easy, definitely not. Necessary, definitely yes.

Be grateful of the uncertainty. Just be. You’ll understand later why.

PMA ❤

29 Days Of Gratitude – Day 17

No filters whatsoever!

No filters whatsoever!

What up the most beautiful sunset in a looooooong time! Definite candidate for the spot of things today that I’m the most grateful for.

I’m going to do a little list of things, because that feels the best today.

Me feeling a lot better, waking up with a positive mind.

Feeling also that yesterdays run had been good, the little tiredness in my body felt great.

Finding new amazing music and sharing it with friends. And obviously jamming to it publicly :).

Feeling accomplished at work.

Getting a smile from a stranger.

Reading super interesting articles.

Getting feedback from something that was important to me and that I forgot to triple check before sending it forward. Be grateful for the mistakes you’ve made.

Having friends saying their honest opinion about certain things you need a little reality check at times… Love this. It’s about the honesty.

For making the most delicious salad for lunch, winning!

So more PMA, LOVE and SMILES! ❤