All That Doubt

IMG_5317Once in a while the doubt gets us, and oh boy did that happen today to me…

The past week has been so much of everything new, new work, new routines, new this and new that. And I noticed slowly that I’m not sure how to take it all. So end of last week my whole being was taken over by this over anxiety and restlessness.

This last year I’ve gotten to know myself a lot better again than before, I read few good articles and got to know few good people who opened these doors for me that I really needed to understand myself better.

Before this year I had no idea what an introvert is, now I know and realize that Hello, I am one of them too. Huge relief. Then a friend said that I should read this book, called “The Highly Sensitive Person”. Well, Hello again!

Now that I understand myself better my life is better and it’s easier for me to stay calm in situations that before were difficult. But that doesn’t take that away that sometimes all feels too much.

Not working in over two years and all of sudden get the chance to do something that you only wished. Seeing so many people out of the blue. Being out there all the time, when you know you need that solo quiet time a lot too. You want to push yourself because it all feels nice, but at the same time you miss all the old calmness.

While all feels super nice, it takes so much out of you that you are super exhausted. That happened to me big time. And I started doubting myself, feeling all down and almost angry. I noticed that all of sudden I didn’t believe in myself with all that I knew that I could do. I didn’t want to give up but that old me starting raising it’s head.

I noticed that now that so many runners that I know are running more trails and ultras, I felt all bad. I felt that that thing that had been super special to me is all of sudden all regular everyday thing and I was thinking that why am I doing this, it’s the same as everyone is doing. Nothing special…

I was running today, and I felt so anxious and sad and angry and exhausted and full of doubt that I almost started crying during my run. I actually asked myself out loud that “why are you feeling so useless?”. And I couldn’t answer to myself.

I only wanted to be in the forest for at least the next 3 hours and I knew that I only have time for little over 30min… So I felt even more anxious.

My old way of dealing with moments like this is to compare myself to others, which obviously makes me feel even worse, what a surprise! I got caught by doing this, thank  you Mom! I needed that shake up to reality and who I am really am these days.

I have noticed too that I get afraid of not being able to run as much as I want, now that I am getting back to “normal people” routines. But the truth is that I have all the time in the world, I just have to keep that time for myself when I need it. And I really need running.

This is all a learning process, it’s never easy but I am ready to embrace it all. I want to be honest in my fears to myself and rather say them out loud and got that shake up to reality than not saying anything. This is a moment for me to look at my situation and go forward. That’s what I’m going to do.

PMA ❤

Family First

IMG_4694Universe has a funny way to keep us on the right path, if we are open to listening and going with that flow.

That means to me that yesterday my life changed again, big time, as in new move to another country.

I recently wrote about the loss of my Granma, that made me put things in perspective and really think what is important to me.

And that being said, family is the thing that is the most important. I need and have to be with my family now. I need them and I want to be there for them now. It’s my time to give and not only take, which I have been doing for too many years.

I think I knew this for almost couple of weeks, but I just didn’t want to say it. When I moved from Finland to Germany, I did it because I wanted to show that I will actually do something and not only talk. For a long long time, I felt that I am a loser if I would go back there. Now things are so different.

I have lost someone who was part of me. That puts you in different place in your life. I need to be with people who understand my loss and who I can hug and be hugged.

And I’m not the same person I was little over two years ago, I have worked so hard to be in a better place, and I’m not going to let that work go to waste.

This is not an easy move, and I will have those moments when I think that “what did I do?” but I have to trust my gut feeling, and everytime I have done that, it’s been the best.

I am afraid of funny things like, that people and those friends that I’ve made would forget me because I’m in the north :). I know that the people who I call friends these days won’t do that. But I am further from them that I have been. I hope that some of you want to come to that super exotic Finland :).

But I am also really happy to be in a place that I know things and how they work. Speak my own language and be with my best friends.

And everytime I start thinking of oh dear Finland, I remind myself that it doesn’t mean that it’s some kind of life sentense, I am always allowed to leave and I have a strong feeling that I will do that, once I get my life in better place. I haven’t found that happy place of mine yet.

But  for now, this is the right thing to do, for me, for my family and for my journey.

Thank you Universe!IMG_4686

 

 

Always With Me

IMG_4649

It’s been really long since I last wrote here. My life took a proper turn and then another and then just threw me out from everything I knew.

It’s almost a month since I moved away from Hannover, Germany to Copenhagen, Denmark. With no time to deal or realize what was really happening. Everything happened so fast that I still feel weirded out that I am here. It doesn’t feel real.

It’s been hard, it’s been good, it’s been new, it’s been beautiful, it’s been surprising, it’s been awful, it’s been amazing.

It’s really hard for me to put in to words how I feel and have been going through emotionally.

I don’t think I had any idea how this move would make me feel. Everything was really different than the last time. It’s always an adapting experience and I’m still in the beginning of this one. But this time I left part of my family behind for some time, for time that I don’t know yet. When that hit me, it was really hard to take, a lot of tears.

And this is the reason why I haven’t been writing in so long…

I lost my Granma little over a week ago. I didn’t want to write it, because then it would be little more true. I also didn’t know if I want to tell it to anyone, especially here. She was so much more than just a Granma. She gave me wings. She always pushed me to be me, not anyone else. She was gentle, tough, loving, warm, everything. She made up this amazing fairytale forest when I was small, it was this forest close to my Granparents place, but she made it magical. She made up stories and encouraged my imagination just to roam free and fly. She let me sit in the middle of their raspberry bushes, without no worry. She let me mow the lawn at winter, so I was basically just making awesome lines in the deep snow. She cooked the best food. She tried to teach me how to bake, which I never learned and still suck. She made the most beautiful christmas trees I know, they were always different and even better than the last year. She got up during the night to put my blanket back even though she knew that I will kick it off again. Most of the time we didn’t agree, but she accepted me. She loved me no matter what. She hated my tattoos. She was there for me.

And when she got sick this spring, it kicked the air out of me. To me, my Granparents are people who will never go away. And all of sudden I had to understand that I will loose them someday. Maybe sooner than I wanted to think.

I saw her the last time the week before I moved. She was so happy that I was moving away from Germany, because she saw and knew how unhappy I was there. She wanted me to find a place where I could have a life, where I could be me, where I could be like any normal my age person. And when I moved here, I was thinking all the time that I have to fight for my own happiness finally. That was what she wanted me to do. I pushed myself with her help. For the first time I didn’t want to give up. I didn’t want to let her down, again. I know that in a way she always had hope when it came to me, but I also know that she really hoped that something would finally change with me and how I lived my life.

She was one of the rare people that somehow understood what running meant to me. When I wrote her from London during Hackney Half, that I am running this for you because you can’t, it meant so much to her. Maybe she saw how much I had changed and how much happier and balanced I am because of running.

If this move isn’t hard enough with only all that it brings in my everyday life with everything new, this gut filling feeling if loosing part of you, made this even more challenging. But something changed in me. I wanted to fight for the first time, ever. I didn’t want to give up. And I know it’s her. She pushes me and reminds me to push on, to make myself proud, to show myself what I am capable of. All those things that she knew and tried to show to me, from really young.

I don’t know how to deal this loss. I have never lost anyone this close before. I don’t have the tools for this.

The only things I can do is remind myself of all that I have from her, all those millions of memories, all of her hugs, her tough love that really worked. Be grateful and try to be positive. That is what she would want me to do. To go on with my life and do all those things I am meant to do.

I will honor her and her memory by running the Copenhagen Half for her in two weeks. She will be with me every step. And this is the way that will help me go on with my pain and at the same time I am able to do something for her that she would really love, and she knows that it means a lot to do this for her. And I will lay this medal with her.

It’s really hard to let go, but it’s easier when I think that she is in this beautiful flower garden that she would love. And that she will always be with me.

The day after she passed away, I was walking with my dog and I just knew that I am not meant to run the Berlin Marathon this year. And as soon as I decide that, this huge weight lifted from my shoulders and I knew that it’s exactly what I need to do know. I didn’t feel that I am giving up, it felt right and at this moment I am listening myself more than ever before. I have to be gentle to myself, but tough in the right places too.

In a month, my life changed completely. I got that change that I was dreaming of, to get to another place and hopefully be able to start a life that I dream of. I lost someone who is part of me, but I am grateful and thankful for all. I am fighting and going forward, no matter how hard it feels at times. I have come this far, and it’s not the time to give up. Just listen to yourself. Breath. Think about the positive and breath the negatives out. Be thankful. Be grateful.

I love you, thank you for giving me wings and reminding me that I can. IMG_4624

New Life

IMG_4210It’s been really long since I last wrote, sorry about that!

This new life of mine and all the changes kind of gave me no calm moment to settle infront of the computer. But I am still here :). And there’s so much to write but I try to squeeze it all to a little sensible post :).IMG_4374Also, I decided while I was back home in Finland for a week before my big move to Copenhagen, that I would not care about any posting, only about being with my family and friends, and I think that is very valid reason to not update your blog.IMG_4267This change has been so much like whirlwind that I still don’t understand everything and I think that is a good thing. Though I don’t either really give any credit for the fact that I jumped again to unknown life. Others around me seem to give me credit, but me… nope. I don’t seem to see it the same way, I really wish that one day I could really give myself a pat in the back and be like “hey, you are quite amazing for doing these things!”. Also, I expect so much from myself that I think I stress about things that don’t matter on any level. And I’m terrified to let others down who gave me this chance. So easy going here ;).IMG_4321Also, now when it’s time to start push forward with this new life and find a job and get my life in that order that I have dreamed and hoped for quite some time, I am so afraid. I have been away from normal worklife for few years, and now even when I know that I know and am good at things, it’s scary. I think my old self is pushing this “you can’t”so hard and my new self isn’t the strongest on this matter, that I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. But I know I can, and I know I can push through from that old doubt. Or if I’m not sure, at least I am willing to try my hardest. Only a year ago, I wouldn’t believe in any of those words, now I have to, I’ve shown it to myself so many times. For god’s sake, I bloody jumped again and moved to another city/country, just because I knew that I don’t have any other choice!IMG_4357-0This place is actually pretty amazing! Copenhagen is so beautiful, the sea is there, my seagulls. I can breath here, I feel safe, my dog can be safe. There’s so many new things and places to look at. Beautiful people all around. People smile if you look at them. How nice is that?! And btw, I have the most amazing adopting family, these peeps are just love! Couldn’t ask for any more loving surroundings to start my life here. And also to have people to run with, dream come true.IMG_4332But I do also feel alone, it’s all this new that makes you feel weird and just scared at what is coming at moments. But that’s probably normal in a situation like this…IMG_4460My running or more like my marathon training has taken also a little bit of a backseat place the past weeks but I feel that I am getting back on track. I have to give myself a change in not expecting too much and finding ways to enjoy something that I love the most. It’s too easy to forget to do what you love when you are inside of all new. IMG_4446Not expectin too much and not being too hard on yourself is damn hard. The thing is that at the same time while I do those things, I feel really numb and uncapable of doing anything, I hate that feeling. I really have to remind myself a lot that I bloody can!!

So, pardon my french, calm the fuck down and take one step at a time. Day at a time. One run at a time. One new thing at a time. And I would assume that soon I realize how much I’ve done. Just give yourself a chance! IMG_4437

 

Marathon Training week 6&7

Past weeks have been so full of life changes that my running and training has suffered a bit. I haven’t lacked in motivation but just felt really tired and exhausted. But last sundays first real long run kind of reminded me that running is actually really fun and why I even do it. I also got a proper whooping last night, when I finally got back to my NTC routine. I felt just really weak, and it was great reminder that I can’t just run, I have to do other things to make myself strong too!

Week 6

Tuesday – 3miles/4,82km planned, resting still for this one.

Wednesday – 6miles/9,65km planned, 6,41km done. Great run in the end, before leaving I was all worried about everything, so this was therapeutic one.

Thursday – 3miles/4,82km planned, 5km done. Latenight buddyrun.

Saturday – 9miles/14,48km planned, switched running to quality familytime.

Week 7

Tuesday – 4miles/6,43km planned, 6,50km done. Lazy rainbuddyrun.

Wednesday – 7miles/11,26km planned, this was the day when my life changed. I got the amazing news that I will move to Copenhagen, Denmark and start a new life there, with happier things in my future. Couldn’t run, too many things and pure shock :D.

Thursday – 4miles/6,43km, 6,83km done. Had been eating way too little, so this was not fun.

Friday – 12km done, well needed stress and anxiety out run.

Sunday – 14miles/22,53km planned, 22,50km done. This run was amazing, I was a bit nervous going for it, but when I started running it just felt so good!

I have to get myself more in the game, if I want to really feel strong while running my first marathon in Berlin end of September. I still have time, so let’s do this!