Depression. Epilepsy. Broken Wrist. What’s Next? Mostly Good I Hope

Photo by Markus Kontiainen

Photo by Markus Kontiainen

That’s how it has been. Depression. Epilepsy. And now broken wrist. And the last week and a half I’ve had time to think about this all. Thinking if this is some sick joke that I’ve had to deal with all of these in just few months.

Yes, I’ve had depression on and off since I was fairly young, runs in the family. But the last few years I’ve gotten the hang of that one, and know and feel when I’m “falling” and know what to do about that. And I’ve had epilepsy since I was 17, though the last 3 years without the medication and for almost 22 years without any seizures, until just before last Christmas and a week and a half ago. Oh yeah… And that broken wrist. I’ve written how I’ve managed to fall on my face couple of times last fall, but I got the news of my wrist being broken since last October and needing an operation involving a screw and bone from my hip, just on the Christmas week.

So with all of these, plus having some major heart brake issues, my interest in this all started to be under a rock. Since I met with my surgeon about my wrist early January, I’ve been more than down with my mood. The news about when and how the operation will be hit me really hard. I was smart enough to not google anything, but with nothing to wait, I was blindsided by it all. Now I’m on the waitlist for the operation which might be in two weeks or in 6 months. And the fact that after it I’ll be in recovery for 3 months. I just didn’t expect any of that. I guess I thought that it’ll be a day and then I’ll do some training with a physio and be done. To be honest, I have no idea what I expected.

The fact that I’m not capable of being myself 100%, is very and has been very disheartening. Yes, I’ve probably been a bit over dramatic about it, but hell, the fact that going from very athletic and capable to needing to ask for help with the simplest things and not being able to use your left arm is a bit shitty feeling. But all through all those feelings I’ve reminded myself that I have it good, it’s going to get treated and there are so many millions of people in the world who aren’t in the position I am and still won’t complain, so.

But what I’ve also been, has been depressed, tired to the level of light burnout, lost in the puzzle of people and how they treat you, and with all that in me already, my good old friend epilepsy paid me another visit. On a day when I last needed it, not sure if you ever need that but yeah. And at that point I just was too tired to be interested in anything. That was it for me. I had nothing in me to fight anything anymore. I was mad, sad and just thinking What’s Next? Bring It! I don’t even care anymore! Which is obviously total bullshit, because I’m incapable of not caring, but even I was close.

And when I was laying in the ER of the hospital and my doctor comes and says that we need to start your medication for the epilepsy again, I don’t know, I just broke a bit inside.

One of the biggest things for me has been that I’ve been able to balance my life in a way the last few years that I didn’t need the medication anymore. And now, knowingly what I shouldn’t do and what will trigger it, I’m back in a place in my life where I have to put few meaningful dreams aside because of it. There went my dreams of finally being able to drive a license and being able to do those road trips I’ve dreamt for a long time, going somewhere alone in a car I can sleep in. There also went the dream of living as clean as possible, as the idea of needing to eat that strong of a medication makes me sad and like I have no control over my own life.

In a way I was and have been mostly mad or disappointed at myself. Why with all the knowledge I have about my situation and my past, I go and do the exact opposite? Why I stop all that have made me feel that good and balanced my depression to a level that it’s almost non existing? Why I stop caring about my diet and think that something would have changed with me needing certain amount of sleep to keep my epilepsy in check? In the end I’ve been sabotaging my own self.

Why?

The way my last year went from start to finish has definitely had a part in that. It started and ended with a heart break. And now learning more and more about my HSP (highly sensitive person) and introversion, I’m not even surprised how puzzled it all made me. I lost myself in all of that, without realising that I need time to heal, really heal. I healed but not fully in spring time with running, I was heading to a great direction but I fell for someone too early and that was too good to not dive head first. Why not, I tend to believe in love no matter what.

But when I moved back to Finland, I was just in need of a change and I got that in the form of a completely new and exciting job. But as I do, I dove head first, and forgot that now I really need those good balancing teachings that I’ve practised so hard for couple of years. But when you’re excited you don’t have time to concentrate on things like good diet, sleep and exercise, right?!

So my first epilepsy seizure, late fall, tried to remind me of certain things without me listening to any of it. Then the news of my wrist tried to calm me down a bit, but it only made me angry and teenagey. So I needed the universe to really stop me cold with my second and hopefully last epilepsy seizure, to hopefully make me understand that it doesn’t make me a bad person if I’m not willing to risk my health for something else. No one made me or expected me to do that, just to make it clear, that was all me. But the challenge will be from now on, from next Monday when I go back to work. To find that balance, really work on me and finding ways to feel better.

Maybe this is part of some 30’s crisis, that I didn’t have when I was turning 30, or maybe this is some pressure that comes from the world we live in these days. No idea what, but I feel a lot of times we’re supposed and expected to be almost immortal and capable of everything without sleep and personal boundaries. The social media pushes new this and that to us all the time, and you feel even when you don’t really feel like that in you, that you need to want something or be something else that you are, or more this or that. I can’t do all of that. I’m one of those who are way too sensitive to be in front of all that all the time and try to exceed. I have no interest in exceeding because that’s impossible. That’s not me.

I saw an interview of Adele when her new album came out and the interviewer was asking does she miss being in the spotlight or does she have her own squad. What she answered was perfect. She said that not really because it’s not real life, and those who think that it is usually tend to be assholes. And that she has a squad, the ones that truly matter and care, and that it’s really small, and has gotten smaller and smaller the more known she is.

Without realising, that’s exactly what I’ve wanted to do for some time. To go in the background so to speak and just do my job really well. Push myself forward in those things, like writing and being healthy and a good friend and person, but doing it for me, not for others. And what I’ve noticed is that my “squad” is really small but the quality of it is off the roof! There’s spots in there for few more good ones, but my trust is a bit shakey these days so I apologise if it’s not that easy to get in. So again, less is more, in so many ways.

Also, how I feel about all these physical things that have been shaking my balance, is still something I thought long long time ago, I got them because something higher knew that I’m strong enough to carry them. I’m embracing this all now, it’s not all fun and games all the time, but I am embracing this and what it brings. I can assure you that starting your medication again and it making you feel like you are in a cloud of deep tiredness and foggy head and nausea, is not the way you want to spend a week, but I keep moving forward. I just needed to let myself feel all of that. I can’t be afraid of things that I love. I can’t stop being me, even if something like this is “back”. I am me, because I have all of these. There’s nothing wrong with me, and if they make someone think again about if they want to get to know me better, then that’s their lost, not mine. I do love myself like this, “flaws” and all. They are not flaws, they are parts of me.

LOVE. GRATITUDE. FAITH IN BETTER. PMA ❤

I want to thank all of you who have been my support through this. Thank you to my colleagues who helped and took care of me after my seizure. I am very grateful for this all, thank you.

 

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Letting Go 2015 Like An Old Lover. Welcoming 2016 Like The Me I Am Now

img_2816“I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story – I will. I will speak and share and fuck and love and I will never apologize to the frightened millions who resent that they never had it in them to do it. I stand here and I am amazing, for you. Not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I AM MYSELF.” ❤

Until 2015, I feel like I’ve only lived for others. I started my journey to Me in 2015, but fell for my old habits and forgot how and who I am. This is almost like my manifesto to myself, in the most honest way possible.

2015 has been all about finding and learning who I am and what I want, who I truly am under all that fear of myself. It has been about heartbreak, love, pain, confusion, finding myself, conquering my fears, going after my goals for the first time ever, freedom, learning to love the skin I’m in and saying goodbye to people and habits I’ve outgrown or who are bad for me and my life.

I also made myself do a list of who I am. I am strong, passionate, talented, caring, special, loving, artistic, capable, beautiful, creative, loyal, trustworthy, sexy, warrior, deserving, enough, open, honest, brave, sucker for love, supporting. I know I am more than those but giving who I am and how hard making a list like that is, I am very proud of myself for getting those down. 

For the past week I’ve gone through the whole year over with myself, really pushed myself to deal certain things, to let go of others and forgive the ones that feel that hardest. I knew that I needed to do that, to be alone even though all of sudden it felt so scary, the one thing I usually enjoy too much. I knew that my broken self can still be whole in front of certain people, my brokenness doesn’t mean that I’m not okay, it means I’m strong enough to admit certain things to myself and give myself the push I need to deal and let go of them. Without the heartbreaks of 2015, I would not have woken up to the Me I really am. In 2015 I learned who I am as a woman, learned what that means, entails, empowers me and others, what I deserve and can say No to!

There’s moments when I realize things about myself and I need to write them down, this was one of them: You’re not any readier than they are to love again, so don’t push them and most of all, do not push yourself.

I know that these aren’t the things that we should be open and honest about, because at times it feels that we need to be all about slaying all and be good with ourselves, but letting go of a love that you had for someone, whether they hurt you or not, is HARD, whether you know the decision to be right. In short that shit hurts, because there’s people who take a bit more of your heart than you ever expected to happen. And even though I know that it’s the right thing to be alone now, my whole being rebels against that, not all the time but there are moments.

I’m one of those who fall hard, I love hard, I believe in the good of others hard with the notion that I might get hurt hard. I tend to open my heart in a way that it’s super easy to rip it open if you don’t respect the openness of it. I don’t second guess my gut feeling about how I feel about someone and how I see the good in them, even if they don’t see it themselves.

The love I wish to give and have is who I am, open and honest. I am tired of hiding or filtering my love and feelings in general. I’ve done that for most of my life. I want to be able to show my love and not have to think about if it’s okay. I wish to have that kind of love in return as well. A love that looks like that person who is proud to have my kind of love without wanting to push it down or me being someone else I am. No more filtering love.

I think I’ve finally stopped apologizing how and who I am. That was one big thing I learned in 2015. This is who I am, whether you like me or not, this is Me. In 2016 I want to truly be brave and let myself be Me, all of Me. To get to know that Me that I am, but have been hiding from myself.

” Be a better You, for You.”

– Sonya Teclai

There’s certain things that make you, force you to realize that you won’t be here forever. You look at your body and how it has changed, you know that it doesn’t work the same way it did couple of years ago. You look at your skin and how there’s lines that weren’t there maybe a week ago, but in the same time they make you look so much more beautiful. They show the life you’ve lived, the pain you’ve cried through, the smiles you’ve smiled with cheeks in pain. Growing up and older can be scary, but I’ve decided to at least try to embrace the journey of it all.

You feel the pressure of doing things you want to do before it’s too late, but at the same time you don’t want to rush through life, you want to really enjoy the moments.

You want to be true and honest with and to yourself, while being so confused with that all in the midst of feeling exactly certain who that is.

You want to take risks to be sure that you live but at the same time want to be in control of what happens when you take those risks. How to trust the jump when you have no certainty in what will come after you jump.

“I tell you what freedom is. No fear!”

– Nina Simone

How to balance those things you have raging in you. How to be happy with being alone when people around you are so far from that exact thing. How to be those two you’s that you are, how to live as one with them both. How to be that outdoorsy, less is more person and that ambitious, brave career woman who wants to be great at what she does. But isn’t it a balance that the other needs from the other? That is something I will tackle now. Learn how to make those equally good in me that I am in peace. Right now it feels a bit like I have to choose, but then it would mean that I need to choose one from two passions of mine and I’m not ready or willing to do anything like that. I don’t feel that I need to.

I remember how I said almost a year ago how I feel that my life just started for the first time, now more than ever I feel that, really feel it hard. I feel how fast time moves on but I want to forget rushing through it all. I want to forget the lure of being in a hurry. I can be and will be the best Me I can when I respect the both sides of me. I need to be, for myself, patient in what I’ve wished for my life to be earlier, when I realize that it’s exactly that now. Like I wrote before, watch what you wish for…

I don’t want to do any resolutions for 2016. I want to be able to listen to myself on a daily basis and really take the moments I have without hurry. I want to keep being honest about how I feel, especially if someone feels special to me, we don’t have enough time to not say those things, even if we don’t get anything back. I want to be patient and gentler to myself, more mercy. Past is past for a reason. Now is now for even bigger reason. Live in the now, not past or future, now. That’s my Note To Self.

MORE LOVE. MORE RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS. MORE SPONTANOUS ADVENTURES. MORE HONESTY AND BEING OPEN. MORE RESPECT TO ONE ANOTHER. MORE BRAVE ME AND MORE PMA ❤

 

 

 

Finding Balance

IMG_1151I am in need of finding balance in my life again, so much has changed and my stoke level is quite high these days. I need to remind myself that I can’t be ON all the time, I need some peace in this all too.

I think we all search for some balance in our lives, at least sometimes. Right now, I am in this amazing bubble of happiness and contentment. There’s so much new in my life with good old things too, but I am a person who goes 150% when things are great and tend to forget to calm down while I do that. So I am in search of that. I guess I should be proud that I realised it all straight in the beginning and not too late, I’ve obviously learned something during these past couple years.

I’ve lived back in Finland now for two weeks, two weeks filled with YES! Basically the next day I flew to here, I had a job interview that went fairly well as I started working in one of my dream companies the next Monday, taken that the interview was on Friday. So things went fairly fast. The company is called Kauas Creative and like I said, it’s a dream place for me. I work as a Production Assistant, which is something I’ve wanted to learn how to do for some time now. Proof that when you dream and send those dreams to the universe, AND work hard towards your goals, things come true! IMG_1157

I am so damn lucky to work with friends and new people that are crazy inspirational and motivate and teach me to push myself more and more everyday. So this is a testament for me to show myself what I am made of and really have inside myself.

If there’s a down side of this all goodness, it’s the fact that I get so crazy stoked and forget to have those peace moments for myself too. Last week I was working those normal grown people hours and then coming home to this buzzing head that just wanted to create more and push with my own projects, which meant that my head didn’t realise that I need to actually sleep at times haha.

So, thank goodness I realised this all fast and reminded myself that I need to do things that calm me down and also bring me new ideas and push my body and not only my mind.

I haven’t been running too much since the Copenhagen Half, actually only twice in the last week. Which is two runs in over a month. Partly because I just didn’t feel like running at all, and when I felt a bit like that I managed to fall on my bike really well just two days before I moved to Finland, fracturing my left elbow a bit and getting three stitches on my chin. Yay! But I really noticed this week that my body and especially my head needs that kind of balancing act again. IMG_1202

The first run was short and slow, my whole body felt so heavy but I got to run in my favourite forest and trails which made me feel so good. I reminded myself that I need to take this all slow, listen to my body, be happy with little and just breath. I am actually really happy that I have to start in a way from zero, this is a great moment for me to practise that running is just running and that I don’t need any special goals now. It’s a relief and weird thing to grasp, my head would love to do this funny pressure thing, that I need to be able to run faster and longer straight away. For goodness, I just ran super strong Ultra this summer, why do I feel this sluggish now. Well, I am not going to go into all that now. Slow and steady, building the base and grow from there. That’s what I want to do now. Be active to be able to do the job I love and want to get better at.

It’s funny how easy it is to lose that balance. But then again that’s life and we always have the option to find the balance again. But in this case, it’s not about losing or being shitty at something, it’s about learning as we go. I’m not failing at anything now, I am giving myself the chance to learn more and show myself what I’m capable of. If I lose my balance while doing something I love, I am more than happy to lose it and learning to find it again. No problem whatsoever.

We’re searching and stepping into unknown in a way everyday, pushing to ourselves to out of the comfort zone. At least I am, I’ve learned that that’s the only way to find truly who I am and what I am made of and where I should go. Not an easy or nice thing always but just worth it.

My goal this fall is to be able to be active and run and go to the gym regularly while having my first grown up job in quite a few years. Probably pretty normal challenge, for me first maybe ever. And I’m more than happy to take it on.

So more running, learning to meditate again daily, eat and drink enough water, sleep sleep and sleep enough. This all while learning new everyday. Pretty damn amazing challenge to have! IMG_9407

PMA ❤