Self Confidence / Insecurities

screenshot_20160916-131214It’s funny how little you need to feel like your confident self again. Sometimes you need to go far to see very close, something I’ve done a lot lately. But it also seems to be the only way to find myself again. So from insecurities to finding my self confidence to realising that I get still very lost with myself.

Last weekend I was in Stockholm, the place where I always feel like I can breath free, not sure even now after all these years why. Something in that place that I just feel so at home. I was there because of our massive running gathering, which also meant I got to see people I’ve missed like crazy, and meeting new forever friends you just click instantly.

The funny little thing I felt in me was that, instantly when we landed in Stockholm, I felt like that long lost confident me that I’ve been searching and looking for such a long time, basically the last year or so. Obviously I’ve had moments I’ve felt that me, but most of the past year has been such a weird time that wow.

After battling with my self confidence and body image this whole year, it felt so damn good to feel good about myself. And the thing is that I don’t know what changed, why there I got that part of me back. In a way it doesn’t make any sense, nothing really changed, other than the location and the people around me. Maybe just the pure positive atmosphere around me was the key. Something I feel like I am hunting after with dogs here in Finland.

The feeling of feeling comfortable and beautiful in my own skin and clothes and all that, felt so damn good. I had to do a little “you got this” at home before I left to the airport, but I remember looking at myself in the mirror and saying that “you look great” and that “do not give a shit if someone doesn’t like this”. Those peptalks are needed at times… Just try yourself.

Being myself has been a challenge lately and I’ve been so damn tired of that. I’ve known all the time that I’m there, under some weird pressure, but it’s been hard to get to the center, under all those layers of doubt. There hasn’t been enough “who cares” and too much of “what ifs” and “maybe I should make myself smaller in every way possible”.

Sometimes we need good company to remind us of our amazingness. Sometimes someone needs to give us a little attention to wake up. It might just be a look to make you smile. Or it might be words like “your body is amazing” from someone who has no idea about what you’ve gone through with your body and how insecure and at times even ugly you’ve felt with it.

We tend to forget how important it is to be there for each other and positively comment, even if it feels funny. The importance of being positive and saying those things out loud can be so massive to someone. I need to get better at that too, saying those to myself as well as to others.

Maybe someone is thinking now, that that confidence should come from within, and yes I do agree but sometimes we really need a reminder, that’s it. It’s that simple.

With all my bumps and cellulite and wobbly bits, I actually felt so beautiful and desired. I loved that feeling of not needing to be embarrassed when I felt the touch on those parts of me. Something so simple but so important. Honest gentle touch and words.

Now I just have to keep being that confident me here, in my home where it’s a lot harder. There’s something that happens to me every time I’m back in Finland that I forget all that progress I’ve made in these past years and go back to that insecure uncomfortable one, feeling like I’m stuck and have no future. It’s like my past here is holding me back, but only because I let it. That’s the only reason.

Maybe every time I feel like I’m falling to my old ways, I need to remember those words and that touch and bounce back up to my amazing beautiful self! 🙂

Self love in full effect! And thank you to that one who helped me realise my real worth without knowing my past. ❤

PMA. LOVE. ❤

I Thought I Lost You, But You Are There Still

Photo Jasmin Helmi

Photo Jasmin Helmi

Last week a friend of mine took some photos of me, I’ve asked her is she could as I needed some for my updated CV. I never thought that the images she took could make me feel the way they did. She was able to capture me, really me, the one I thought I lost during the past months.

For majority of this year I’ve felt a bit lost with myself. First because I was so adamant with my weird feeling of not wanting to stay in Finland, it felt like a prison sentence, I didn’t want to have anything solid here. I fought so hard against it all. And then with my wrist operation I think I grew tired of fighting, as I had to fight against so many other weird feelings that the operation had brought up.

The difference between this year and last is so big that sometimes I feel that they have to have more than one New Year between them. Last year was so much, it was planned and about jumping to whatever came to me, just taking whatever without thinking what it might mean in some time. I was just rushing and living, maybe too much, maybe not enough, but maybe I let myself actually live for the first time in really long time. I had been keeping myself back for so long that I just let loose and flew, not to the right direction by any means all the time, but I was still flying. And ended up my year with my wings almost cut off.

This year started with me looking in the mirror and realising things that I didn’t want to face, as I knew that they will rip all those scars that I had carefully tried to heal, open again to the core. And through this year I’ve looked myself in the mirror with that same look, quite a few times. Feeling lost and not sure what to do about it, feeling like I’m suffocating, feeling disappointed in myself, mind and body. I think that’s been the hardest to take, knowing that now I actually need to take a step back and that I can’t rush like last year. I need to heal, I need to give myself a break, I need to be patient in the many ways of that word. And it’s been very very hard. Depression has crept it’s ugly head at times, but there’s been still something that has kept me without sinking completely.

Photo Jasmin Helmi

Photo Jasmin Helmi

When I saw the photos my friend took last week tonight, I looked at myself in a different way, in new and more positive eyes. I’ve looked myself in the mirror end of this summer with new eyes few times, with a gentle and loving way, saying to myself that “you are beautiful and enough”. And smiled to what that notion has done to my face, it soften and glowing in a way I thought I lost already completely.

And today when I looked at my own face from those photos, I felt so beautiful.

It’s been such a long time I’ve felt like that. Since my operation it’s been so hard to accept the changes on my body, when I can’t be as active as I’ve been. The weight gain and lost of muscle and the cellulite, the evil cellulite that makes you feel so unwomanly for some reason. I looked photos from last summer when I felt so much like I’m in my own skin for the first time, and then this summer I looked at my body in a mirror and it was so far from what it was so little time ago. I tried to say to myself that you’ll get it back soon, but what I just wanted to do deep down was to eat more and make myself feel even worse. Which obviously doesn’t make any sense, but I was at the start again with my body, after all that insanely hard work I’d done for the past 3 something years. I had worked and worked for a body I had always dreamed of, and now it was gone.

It has been such a long summer, and not in a easy breezy nice way. I’ve looked and read and been on the sidelines as others have been living this summer like I wanted to live it. I’ve had to accept the very slow process of healing from two operations at once. Having very good things happening too, like having my own home and not feeling like I want to go again, but not being able to really be happy about all of it. It’s taken me all the way to August to slowly finding me again. 2016 hasn’t been my favorite, at least yet, I might change my mind later about that.

But something changed when I saw myself in those photos. I wasn’t sad anymore. I didn’t looked like there’s pain and frustration behind my eyes. I looked like I am happy again, slow and steady getting my real happy back.

I’m not expecting anything drastic of myself now. I want to show myself that I can again, just like I did little over 3 years ago, when this whole journey started. I’m in a new beginning. But I have great people to make this start easier and filled with deep rooted laughs and tears and honesty.

Let’s do this, once again.

PMA ❤

Photo Jasmin Helmi

Photo Jasmin Helmi

 

I Like Wrinkles, I Like The Stains Of Age…

It’s a simple quote from one amazingly talented lady, Isabel Marant, but what she said in this video below sunk deep in me and just made something burst and glow of YES!

“I like wrinkles, I like the stains of age – imperfection has a lot of charm. It has its own language and I think it speaks much more than something that is completely perfect. It’s never perfect so you search for perfection but you never really totally reach it.”

-Isabel Marant

Growing older is scary at times. You realize how fast time moves on, and how little you’re able to do with it. You understand that you need to get cracking if you want to accomplish those dreams and wishes and goals. You look at your body and you see those signs. You look at it with a new found respect, new found appreciation. You look at that part with cellulite but still look at the whole with love. You know what your body has gone through and wish that the future wouldn’t be that hard on it, but know that it can take it no matter what. I love the notion that my life will show on my body. Those millions of tears and especially all those smiles and belly laughs will be on my face with love marks. You remember some touch from years and you smile because of how it still can make you feel. You also remember a sensation of pain from some other time, and you almost shiver just from the thought of it. All of it is on you. It’s part of you.

But the gratitude, of how much my body has endured. All that yo yo of a life that it has taken from me. It’s still there, broken somewhere, but still there. I can feel that I’m not “there” anymore, but I’m still very much here and stronger with some well deserved jiggly bits.

What ageing does is give you a love through it all, you love the skin you’re in because it’s the only skin you got. There’s no reason to fight it because the marks will always be there, it will remember all the fights. But what it does when you love it and devour the beauty of it, that is amazing. It let’s you be you with all you are. It plays along with your recklessness but still let’s you play. But you have to respect it too. Because it’s always, always, smarter than you, and it will out play you in a heart beat. No fools in that corner.

Day by day, I love myself more. I love the body I’m in. I love how loyal it has been. And how much smarter and cleverer it is and always will be. Thank you for taking all that I’ve put you through. Thank you. ❤

Getting There : Isabel Marant video

Feeling Myself – Body Positive Post

Yeah, that's me. Few tattoos less but all me.  Photo Joni Helminen

Yeah, that’s me. Few tattoos less but all me.
Photo Joni Helminen

Body positive. Feeling myself. All the self love. Being proud of who you are and loving it all.

That is definitely happening in my life these days. For few months my confidence about myself and especially about my body has just soared, like it has been kept secret and all of sudden I’m allowed to let it all out. I’ve never felt this good about carrying myself when I’m out and about. When I see myself these days on the mirror or a window or whatever, I look at myself and I am genuinely proud. Usually I even say to myself that I look damn fine. Something I should’ve done for so long, but better now than never.

As women, we are supposed to be crazy sexy and this and that all the time, but at the same time we aren’t supposed to be happy with who we are. We shouldn’t be happy with our bodies, because we’ve been told for most of our lives that we aren’t enough and we should be skinnier and have bigger boobs or whatever comes next. I’ve definitely gone through all the changes with myself and still always felt that I’m just not enough. But that fight is finally over. Maybe it’s my age, maybe it’s the change in myself, maybe it’s all the life experience that I have behind me. Whatever it is, it’s over.

I’m finally happy and proud of my body and who I have inside of it. Damn I love the confidence I carry now. I’m not perfect, and I love that. I feel the sexiest when I’m me. And that’s probably the biggest compliment ever in my life.

Today when I was walking in the city, here in Copenhagen, I was just blown away by the attention I got from guys. Seriously, I’m not used to stuff like that. As someone whose from Finland, where people don’t really go all out on the compliments, this is new to me. Or the other end that I got in Germany, those nasty catcalls and any sexual harassment choices you can think of, that only made me feel unsafe. So when my experiences are something like that, getting nice smiles, looks that are almost appreciative, genuine nice compliments feels pretty damn nice. They boost the confidence I had about myself. Which is the best way to take them. I don’t need them to make me feel confident and sexy, because I feel pretty hot anyways, but they sure make me feel nice.

My body has gone through so much over the years that the fact that I am happy with what I have now, is a miracle. But I’ve found who I am through it all. I don’t need to dress sexy to feel sexy. For example today, I was wearing basic white t-shirt, blue jeans and Blundstone boots, wouldn’t say first that those make you get all the boys to the yard. BUT, this is the thing, I felt damn good in them. I felt that I can conquer the world. I was wearing something that made me feel like me and confident.

And this is a great example that less is more, as in wear what makes you feel confident. Not wear less clothes, or if that makes you feel confident do that. Because we all have different ways to feel confident. But do the thing that really feels good to you.

One of the best feelings in the world is when you just feel yourself and that might come with age, but damn I’m loving it all. When you can just say that I look damn fine and mean it and be proud of it all. You might sound like you’re bragging, I don’t care. Be goddamn proud if you feel like that. IMG_8050

Once I said to myself that I am okay with little extra on my booty and thighs, and that my boobs aren’t as they were before, and that you can see the life I’ve lived on my skin, my life got so much better. Seriously, the moment I accepted who I am. Once I stopped saying that there’s something wrong with me, damn life got better. I want to look and feel real. I want to be strong in and out. I want to be proud of all the hard work I put in and what you can see on my body. I never want to see too skinny, because that’s not me. I want to have a little junk in the trunk, because that makes me feel sexy. I want to be able to sway my ass when I walk and feel feminine. And of course I want to be able to shake that junk on the dance floor.

I love that I have friends who are genuinely proud of their bodies just like they are. Damn we are hot! I get so much power from those ladies, celebrating their gorgeous bodies, in their own ways and in so different bodies. All in all, we all should be proud of what we have. We should accept that perfect is not what we should be, but be real. Real is always better than what you’re not.

My definition of sexy is very different than someone else’s but that’s the beauty of it, we are different and that’s what we should be. I might be wearing the simplest things but if I feel damn hot in them, it shows. It’s that bit of a mystery that makes it all more sexy, in my mind at least.

When you are okay with yourself, with all your imperfections and scars, world just becomes so much better. This doesn’t mean that you’ll never have ugly days or days when you feel like shit, that is normal but if the majority of time you love yourself, you’ll be on the right track.

And couple important things I’ve learned the last couple of years. First, if you’re not happy with something, change it, do not complain about it but are not willing to do anything. Second, when you change, it doesn’t mean that your closest people will see it and say something, so do not expect that boost coming from outside, it has to come from yourself first. If you’re not happy with yourself, you won’t be happy. Point blank.

Things that make me feel sexy in my body: my strong muscular legs, my soft and round booty and hips, my waist that has found it’s shape and is feminine, my small breasts, my wide and warrior like shoulders, my strong jawline and high cheekbones, my crazy blue eyes, my thick hair and my teeth gap.

Things that I’ve learned to do with my body and make me feel confident and sexy: I’ve studied my body and it’s curves and lines and learned how to use them, I’ve danced so much that I’ve learned how to use my body how I want to, I’ve done so many different physical things with my body that I know what it can do and how much it endures, the fact that I am able to do things that many will never even think about makes me feel pretty damn hot, I’ve looked at myself naked so much that I’ve seen myself in many different weights and changes, but ended up being happy with the skin I live in.

I also started doing this thing couple of years ago, and it really works. Every day, when you see yourself in the mirror, always say something nice about yourself to yourself. Preferably out loud. Say I love you. You look good girl. I’m proud of you. Whatever it would be, say it, be proud of yourself and say positive things to yourself and you’ll start seeing yourself in a more positive way. Remember what you think and say to yourself, you become and feel, and your body will believe just that. If it’s negative you will feel shitty and carry the pain in you, and your body will react in that way. If it’s positive, you will feel good and your body will thank you with ability to do what you want.

“I’ve found that growing up means being honest. About what I want. What I need. What I feel. Who I am.” – Epiphany

When I end my posts with the letters PMA, I mean them. I actually have them tattooed on my arm. The funny thing is that I got them when I was very far from being and living that, Positive Mental Attitude. Maybe it was a sign that one day I’ll learn the meaning of them. I definitely have. What it means for me is just that, trying to have a positive attitude to everything in life, take those bad and shitty days and moments with an attitude of gratitude and learn from them all. All that comes back to how I see myself and my body. I would not be able to see myself like I do these days without my whole mindset changing. It’s impossible. We are a whole thing, not one part good and others bad.

As a woman, as a big sister, I want to be an example to others and younger girls that being who we are is so powerful. I want to show that being honest and raw and real are so amazing. That mistakes and scars are the thing that makes us beautiful. That sex and being sexy is so much more than being naked and in tiny clothes. That being a bit different is so good. And smile is always the best accessory to carry with.

So all in all, attention from guys is a nice bonus, but not the definition of who I am or how hot I feel I am. That all needs to come from myself, I need to see myself in that way and then others see it too.

Let’s be proud of what we have, all that we have. Don’t ever let someone make you feel like the real you is bad! Let’s celebrate our differences. Let’s celebrate our curves, our skinny sisters, all the shapes and sizes there is. We all are equally beautiful! Who run the world, GIRLS! ❤

PMA ❤

Happy Face, Happy Skin – How Mádara Cosmetics Finally Calmed My Skin

I’ve been battling with my skin my whole life. When I was a kid it was itchy and crazy dry and I was scratching it like crazy all the time. I’ve had weird dryness and irritation for so long that when it was okay at times, I felt like I was in heaven. But it’s been a constant struggle to find a product that would calm it down to not break as soon as something tiny changes. And I’ve finally found it!

Thanks to getting my ambassador deal with The Natural Goods Company, I’ve finally in a happy place with my skin. Before my deal I got a tip that I should try Mádaras products, in the beginning they felt expensive but once I started using them and saw and felt how much better my skin felt, I realized that I have to treat myself in this way if anyhow possible. Because in the end it will be way cheaper to find and stick to a brand that is always going to work with your skin, rather than testing and buying something new all the time.

Mádara is a organic cosmetics brand from Latvia, with really close relationship with natures own healing plants. For me this is really important, to use products on my skin that I know are clean and I could basically eat :). Also, when using something that is made with natural ingredients, it’s so much better for the nature too.

I’ve been using Mádaras products since last September, and I will not change to something else anymore, if I don’t really have to. Their products, from face to hair to body and deodorant, are amazing. Super subtle scents, that don’t over power anything else you want to wear. Beautiful and simple packages. And the products just work like a wonder. Never have a I used something that I can speak this highly of.

That irritation that I have so easily, is gone and if it comes back, like it does at times I know that my products will calm it back down. My skin feels and looks so much more balanced and I feel really beautiful without any makeup, not that I ever have used much but it’s a big thing to be able to be completely without any and be confident.

My favorite products are:IMG_7676

Birch Algae Balancing Face Soap, amazing product to have with you when travelling, doesn’t dry your skin out at all.

Daily Defence Body Butter, Pihlaja (rowan) range, super rich but super fast absorbing deliciously scented body butter that doesn’t leave you feeling sticky.

Nourish and Repair Shampoo, gentle to my hair that I have to wash a lot, but takes the best care of it without always needing to put conditioner on it.

Daily Defence Face Cream, Pihlaja (rowan) range, same as the body butter but a bit thicker and so so amazing moisturizer. My number one used product.

Superseed Soothing Hydration Organic Facial Oil, super amazing when your skin feel tight and irritated. I use this always after masks and sometimes with the face cream on top of it for extra moisturizing.

Purifying Foam Face Wash, just changed the Cleansing Milk to this, as the milky wash was perfect during the harder weather months but now with more sun and sweat, this washes my skin well and leaves it super soft.

Balancing Toner, super hydrating and balancing toner. I haven’t been big in using toners but this one has changed my mind completely, it really hydrates the skin and I can see if I don’t use it.

Mádara has amazing masks too, which I highly recommend! Especially the Mud mask.IMG_7470

Get testing and fall in love like I have!

PMA ❤