Watch Out What You Wish For…

IMG_2432Yep, watch out for what you wish for… Or it might even come true!

Little over three years ago I would’ve never, ever, thought that what is my current reality would even be close to being my reality.

Back then I was so depressed that I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. I felt so alone, even with a relationship and few friends. I was not happy. I was overweight. I had issues with my health but didn’t know what to do to it all. I was so tired of feeling tired and done all the time. I was tired of not feeling like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

And then I went to my first run, changed my diet, and all started changing to a better. Running saved me, it kept me alive, it changed my whole being, life and future. Who I am now and who I was before the whole journey started, I can’t even believe the change.

My whole life I’ve wanted to have few great friends in my life, and now I do. Or let me clarify, I have few INSANELY AMAZING FRIENDS! Once I realised that less is more in all aspects of my life, things got so much better. I’ve wanted to find a job for the last couple of years where I could use my creativity and write and be me, and now I have a dream job at a dream company. I’ve wanted to feel like I have a meaning and a purpose, now through my writing and being who I really am I have exactly that, I am able to be there for others and help them and listen and just share what I’ve gone through and hope that my journey could help them with theirs.

I had one of the most amazing conversations and things happening to me in the past couple of weeks. First my best friend, who happens to live in Toronto, Canada, asked me to be her Best Lady at her wedding. Which is like the biggest honor I could ever wish for, she made me feel like the luckiest and most loved person in the whole wide world! The thing is that she and me, we didn’t even know each other little over two years ago. We found each other through a mutual friend, who had read a piece written by both of us about depression. We wrote to each other and found that we can be there for each other through our depression and share our journey. Now, she is my absolute soul friend. ❤ Can’t wait to share her day with her!!

I had one of the best conversations with my other bestie, who also happens to be my colleague at work. We finally got the chance to really talk, like you talk with your closest friends who you trust so much that you can say whatever. I’ve missed him and our talks so much and realised during that how blessed to max I am with the people I have in my life. I got few people that keep me grounded, are honest, love me through it all, and are always there for me whatever. True friends! IMG_2443

I also think that it’s crucial to tell those people that they mean that much to you and thank them for all that they’ve done for you. So do that! ❤ Also say that you’re sorry when you’ve been a dick! And forgive yourself too, so many times that you believe it!

I’ve always dreamed of love, and be loved and love love love. And now I’ve found the best love there is, I love myself! Finally! It’s not some all day everyday joyride, but it’s real and I really do love myself!

Without loving myself like I do now, I would never been able to do all that I’ve done. Run Ultras, write to my own site and few others and to an actual magazine! Have the job opportunity I have now. Have friends all over the world. Feel like I’m a proper citizen of the world. There’s so many amazing things that I’ve made happen for myself because I love myself. I also have more love in my life than ever now, maybe not the one, but the amount of love and how loved I am conquers all!

We all need to appreciate what we have, take a little step back and really see how insanely amazing our lives are. I might not have what you “should” at my age, but I have more than ever before.

Pretty much all the things I’ve hoped to have in my life, have come true. Talking about the law of attraction! So be careful what you wish for, they might really come true!

LOVE. TRUST. LOVE MORE. BELIEVE. DANCE. LAUGH. SAY THANK YOU. BE GRATEFUL. LOVE SOME MORE. PMA. ❤

By Narriyah Waheed

By Narriyah Waheed

Attitude Of Gratitude

IMGP8107Attitude of gratitude, something one of my closest friends reminded me one day the past week.

When life is confusing, swirling in your mind like no other, being grateful for all that is happening can be a challenge at times. It definitely has been for me.

But I can only do what is best for me and stay true to myself, the me I am these days, not before. And I say that because it’s not too many years back that I was always the one who didn’t really appreciate and love myself too much, which ended up me being super bitter at the whole world, making really bad decisions for my own happiness or the lack of it. Blaming the world for all and never changing my own actions. It took me few years to realize these things, and couple people who just bluntly said that “if you’re not ready to change this and that, don’t complain about it” and it really is that easy. Why bitch and moan if you’re not willing to change anything?

Lately I’ve been really confused, so many changes in my life and me being extra hard on myself. Terrified of failing, again. Which is ridiculous, because why would I think negative thoughts if I don’t want them to be my reality? Of course I am in the middle of a huge life change again, and there’s no reason for me to be this hard on myself, but I’m learning to be gentler, promise. Baby steps…

But like I’ve written before, I am grateful for all the moments and experiences in my life.

There will always come days in our life, when someone hurts us, talks shit about us behind our backs, or are just plain mean for no reason. I’ve come across that in my life the past weeks and it’s just useless, but the main thing is how I react to them. That’s all in my control. No one else, no one, in this world can decide how we react to something someone else is doing. And when I realized that, obviously a huge weight was lifted.

I also have surrounded myself with people who are good to me, positive and mean no harm but are honest too. Which means that if I need a friend to talk to, I know that I have the best support net. And then having those situations is a lot easier to take.

The moment you are able to be grateful for all moments, good and bad, that’s when you feel free. There’s always a good old lesson to be learned in those moments. Especially in the bad and ugly and hurtful ones. But those are the times when your reaction is the most important. If you react with hurt and hatred, you will keep that in you. And you will be the one hurting in the end. And I say this with deep experience, I’ve been a mean fighter in my past, words as my weapons.

And it’s always so important to remember to put the whole situation into context, is it really about you or something that is bothering the person who is hurting you at that moment? I’ve learned how to really listen to people, and try to ask the question that I could get the answer to what is really bothering them.

And it’s super important to learn how to forgive. If you hold the pain in you and don’t let it go, there can be no progress to better. Forgiving is hard at times, but if you forgive your enemy you strip their powers away. They are not controlling the situation anymore.

I learned this amazing tool at my therapy, we call it “drop the content”. Basically it means that in that moment of panic and frustration and hurt, take yourself out of the situation and see what really bothers you. How and where it feels in your body, is it making your chest tight or making your belly feel funny? Then hold gently your hand on top of that area, and breath deep and feel how it starts to ease up. It works, it really does. And after you’ve done that usually you get the answer to that question that made you feel bad.

So for me, when I’ve felt really insecure about my future in Copenhagen and the fear of failing, again. That “again” always haunting me. I try to concentrate what I am really afraid, and pretty much always come to the same conclusion… I am afraid to actually be happy and have things in my life I’ve wanted for quite some time.

If it would be a situation in love, I know myself, I would be terrified to get hurt. And at the same time afraid of really letting myself be happy. And be loved. And be able to be loved and taken as who I truly am. I’ve promised myself that from now on I am 100% myself, honest, open and respectful of who I am. That means that I am extra open for all but I am rather that than anything I’ve been in the past. I love my loving and positive and open way of living my life and I want to share that me with someone, all of me.

The fear is always the one thing that holds us from moving forward. For me it’s the fear of failing and getting hurt the most, but in the end of the day I can only remind myself of all the hard times in my past and how they have made me grow into who I am now. And for those I am grateful, keeping that attitude of gratitude with me day in and day out now.

We all deserve the best in life, we just need to let ourselves understand and believe that. Not easy, I know. But so worth it. Even little baby steps at a time. And work towards that.

I’m still struggling to really see and believe how strong I truly am. And how I really deserve to be happy and have good things in my life, but I am working towards that. I might even fail, again, but at least I am trying. And that is the most important thing to me. Because giving up and going back to my old ways hasn’t really worked so I doubt that it would from now on.

” So you failed. Alright you really failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You think I care about that? I do understand. You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you’re still smiling. ” – Claire, Elizabethtown

That quote is from one of my all time favorite movies and it’s been on my mind lately, reminding me why I am pushing on. Because failing and making mistakes and messing up all that was important to you, is part of our path here. Without that we won’t grow. I am happy for all my mistakes and failings and all of it. It ain’t pretty, most of the time, but when you let yourself be in that mess for a bit and get tired of feeling that, you know that is time to move on. So now I need to get off my doubtful mode and believe in myself.

I deserve to have a job where I can show my talents and be there for others. I deserve to find a place to call home and make it mine. I deserve all the love in the world, the real kind of with ups and downs. I deserve to have friends around me to share my life. I deserve to be happy.

I am grateful for my life and whatever is coming in my future, whether it’s hard and hurts at times and tests my believe system. I am still grateful.

PMA ❤

 

Is More Really Better?

IMG_6600Why is it that more is better these days? New is better? Faster? Why?

I feel like I’m some weird alien at times with my ever growing “less is more” thinking. And I’ve started to feel really anxious now when I have a bit more stuff. And for a “normal” person the amount would feel like ridiculous as it’s not that much but for me, it’s just too much.

When I moved back to Finland, my whole life pretty much fit in two suitcases and I loved that. Now it probably still does but I feel like those suitcases are a bit too full. And when I start feeling like I start growing roots, I feel like I have no way out anymore. Like I am giving up on my plans, which is also not true. But having more makes me not feel good.

I think I have a bit confused relationship with materia. When I was around 20, I didn’t think that less could be more, I had my first proper job and I was surrounded with people who always had the new and certain stuff and look. I wanted that because to me at the time, it meant that I am somebody and will get something magical if I do and wear what they are. How wrong was I…

And for a really long time I used materia to not feel as shitty as I really feel. I hid my depression under all that stuff. If I felt bad, I bought something, or ate like crazy. The day when I lost my credits was one of the best for me. Even though my life has been a lot harder after that but still, under it all it’s a blessing. Though that was long time ago, it still is in my life and it really made me start thinking how to live my life. That part took me good 5 years… Because the last couple of years were the first time I actually had to leave all the lying to myself and get down from my high horse and really look the situation straight in the face and admit that I suck and that I have to suck it up and change my whole way of being and living.

That stuff humbles you in the biggest way possible, if you are willing to feel like the shittiest person in the world for a while… It has and it still does quite often.

But it also made me realize what is really important to me. It made me look at my life, myself and what I thought was important and what not. It made me really ask for help, which I still suck, but I had to. And receive help, which is the hardest thing to do EVER!

Now after everything, when I’m feeling happier and better when I have less, it makes me wonder why in this world we are lusting over with new, more, better, faster all the time? What does it give to us? No patience, insecurities, money problems, loosing the touch with the real things. That’s how I feel.

And that doesn’t mean that I expect that everyone thinks this way, I don’t. But it just makes me wonder how different I personally was just two years ago. It’s scary actually. And sad, because it took me a good 10 years to be so lost and just let my life slip away.

So when I was turning 30 last spring, I wasn’t scared, I was so excited. Because it felt like I have a new chance, like a new start and the truth is that I have more in front of me than behind. But that also meant that it was and is only me who controls my future and my happiness. And that stuff is scary and challenging.

So where am I now… I want to be able to live simply and humbly, nothing extra, because I don’t need that. The “things” that are really important to me aren’t really things. If I can have the people I love and who love me, I am really rich. If I’m able to run and be active, I’m winning. Being in nature and look at the stars and eat berries on my runs, I’m basically on top of the world. I want to live here, so that there’s at least the same left after me or maybe I can give something back so there’s more.

These days when I even think of buying something, I try my hardest to think if I can find that, for example jeans, made in a way that’s somehow good to this world, or done bad as little as possible. I want to be able to live so that my life respects the nature we have here. Sustainable and appreciative.

When I have less, I see and hear more, I have more patience. I stopped and looked at the stars for the first time in years this winter. And I was really amazed by their beauty, it was pretty amazing! When I have less, I appreciate more. I make the most of the things I have and usually feel that I could give some away from that anyway.

My dreams and goals these days are all about less is more. I try to read and learn more about what feels the best for me. I try to make good decisions and when I buy something I actually think before I buy anything. Do I really need it. Actually books are the thing that I yearn the most these days :). Learning and opening your view is just really nice.

When I’m running, I’m not in a hurry, I always have time to look around and stop for some scenery soaking. I think it’s vital to stop and see and hear what’s really around us. If we loose that childlike mindset, we are lost. Growing up doesn’t mean we have to stop living. I am sure not going to do that. I am just beginning!

Love. Think. Stop. Appreciate. Respect. PMA ❤IMG_6610

 

The Loneliness Of The Long Distance Runner

Like the book title says, even though I haven’t read that particular one.

There’s something pleasant about ultra training, not the same pressure as with big road races. In a way, no one cares what you do. You can train on your own, at your own pace.

But it also makes this all a bit more lonely. And the more I have friends all over the world, the lonelier this feels. Training alone without friends to run with is getting me down, for the first time. Before this I haven’t ever really thought about it, yes a little of course but not in a way that it’s getting me down… Now I feel that I miss all my friends like crazy.

Maybe it’s because I’m feeling more and more that I’m not supposed to live in Finland more than I need to. I’m noticing how my whole being wants to go already, though I know that I’m not yet. The next time I am leaving, I’m going to do it with a proper planning and smart approach. I’ve tried the other way of leaving and it’s not the way I want to do ever again.

I think I might be a bit depressed by my surroundings. Winter in Southern Finland isn’t that amazing, most of the time it’s just slush and ice all over the place. Trails around me are so icy that it’s almost impossible to run them and seeing photos of people running on beautiful trails around the world. I’m trying to make the best of what I have but there are moments when it’s just so bloody hard. And now is one of those days.

I’ve probably just had too rough of a week behind. Dehydrated for sure. A lot of dealing with my own fears and hurdles. Amazing moment with the longest run. Food choices that don’t make any sense. And because of them, the worst feeling ever.

I know this is a journey, and that I should try to keep my focus on the big picture but oh my it’s hard at times. I do have amazing support, but the thing is that majority of it is physically away from me and I’m really missing my support in real life. I have a major deficiency for hugs :(.

But the good thing is that I’ve been getting back to training and done way more strength training than before, and I’m feeling the benefits already. I’m getting in that training mode, even if it feels hard. It’s for the right way on my journey. I have to remember that it’s okay to feel down at times, it’s natural in this situation but I don’t need to let it eat my happiness all the way.

I saw this amazing note to self photo today…IMG_6527

I Believe. Again.

IMG_6468I needed to shake myself out of the slump I was in, when it came to my dreams and goals and running and training. Which means one thing. Me.

My motivation with training and running has been super low. I knew and realized what is coming and how soon, but nothing in me made me want to get up and go. I had to make myself do it. Pushing without wanting it. I was terribly afraid. Of the distance. Afraid of the fear.

This Monday I was talking to a dear friend about this, and he said few simple things that woke me up just enough to get a bit of a fight in me again. That night I knew that on Tuesday I will run furthest I’ve ever ran before. And that would be 30km. My longest run before had been for a good year, 28,8km. And I knew that I need to go over that to believe that I can, that I have it all in me.

I told this plan to a friend on Monday night, and he gave me an excellent advice, just run. I needed to hear that.

On Tuesday morning I was eating breakfast, watching trail running videos and while watching, I noticed that I was tearing up. I had this question in my mind… Am I tearing up because that truly is my biggest dream and goal OR because I know deep down inside that it’s not what I’m supposed to do?

I got the last and the best supportive words from my boyfriend and off I went. Btw, if any of you are as lucky and blessed as I am with a significant other who supports you and your dreams as much as mine, you are there!IMG_6479

For the first km I just kept saying to myself that “just run, nothing else, just run”.  And after a while that was all I did, and the km just passed like nothing. I explored for the first time in my life, I had no idea where I was going, but I just kept going. Found this amazing route going next to the seashore. Loving every step. Listening to the world around me. Thinking about whatever popped to my head. Stopped on top of a cliff to look at the frozen sea. I needed every step of that.

The moment when I realized that I did it, I ran 30km, I teared up and had to say it to myself out loud! You did it! You!IMG_6493

I found myself again, I was back. I felt amazing, like I haven’t just run 30km.

That 30km meant everything to me, everything.

I believe in myself. Again. And my motivation is back. I want this all and more. Listen to your dreams and go after them!

PMA ❤