Always With Me

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It’s been really long since I last wrote here. My life took a proper turn and then another and then just threw me out from everything I knew.

It’s almost a month since I moved away from Hannover, Germany to Copenhagen, Denmark. With no time to deal or realize what was really happening. Everything happened so fast that I still feel weirded out that I am here. It doesn’t feel real.

It’s been hard, it’s been good, it’s been new, it’s been beautiful, it’s been surprising, it’s been awful, it’s been amazing.

It’s really hard for me to put in to words how I feel and have been going through emotionally.

I don’t think I had any idea how this move would make me feel. Everything was really different than the last time. It’s always an adapting experience and I’m still in the beginning of this one. But this time I left part of my family behind for some time, for time that I don’t know yet. When that hit me, it was really hard to take, a lot of tears.

And this is the reason why I haven’t been writing in so long…

I lost my Granma little over a week ago. I didn’t want to write it, because then it would be little more true. I also didn’t know if I want to tell it to anyone, especially here. She was so much more than just a Granma. She gave me wings. She always pushed me to be me, not anyone else. She was gentle, tough, loving, warm, everything. She made up this amazing fairytale forest when I was small, it was this forest close to my Granparents place, but she made it magical. She made up stories and encouraged my imagination just to roam free and fly. She let me sit in the middle of their raspberry bushes, without no worry. She let me mow the lawn at winter, so I was basically just making awesome lines in the deep snow. She cooked the best food. She tried to teach me how to bake, which I never learned and still suck. She made the most beautiful christmas trees I know, they were always different and even better than the last year. She got up during the night to put my blanket back even though she knew that I will kick it off again. Most of the time we didn’t agree, but she accepted me. She loved me no matter what. She hated my tattoos. She was there for me.

And when she got sick this spring, it kicked the air out of me. To me, my Granparents are people who will never go away. And all of sudden I had to understand that I will loose them someday. Maybe sooner than I wanted to think.

I saw her the last time the week before I moved. She was so happy that I was moving away from Germany, because she saw and knew how unhappy I was there. She wanted me to find a place where I could have a life, where I could be me, where I could be like any normal my age person. And when I moved here, I was thinking all the time that I have to fight for my own happiness finally. That was what she wanted me to do. I pushed myself with her help. For the first time I didn’t want to give up. I didn’t want to let her down, again. I know that in a way she always had hope when it came to me, but I also know that she really hoped that something would finally change with me and how I lived my life.

She was one of the rare people that somehow understood what running meant to me. When I wrote her from London during Hackney Half, that I am running this for you because you can’t, it meant so much to her. Maybe she saw how much I had changed and how much happier and balanced I am because of running.

If this move isn’t hard enough with only all that it brings in my everyday life with everything new, this gut filling feeling if loosing part of you, made this even more challenging. But something changed in me. I wanted to fight for the first time, ever. I didn’t want to give up. And I know it’s her. She pushes me and reminds me to push on, to make myself proud, to show myself what I am capable of. All those things that she knew and tried to show to me, from really young.

I don’t know how to deal this loss. I have never lost anyone this close before. I don’t have the tools for this.

The only things I can do is remind myself of all that I have from her, all those millions of memories, all of her hugs, her tough love that really worked. Be grateful and try to be positive. That is what she would want me to do. To go on with my life and do all those things I am meant to do.

I will honor her and her memory by running the Copenhagen Half for her in two weeks. She will be with me every step. And this is the way that will help me go on with my pain and at the same time I am able to do something for her that she would really love, and she knows that it means a lot to do this for her. And I will lay this medal with her.

It’s really hard to let go, but it’s easier when I think that she is in this beautiful flower garden that she would love. And that she will always be with me.

The day after she passed away, I was walking with my dog and I just knew that I am not meant to run the Berlin Marathon this year. And as soon as I decide that, this huge weight lifted from my shoulders and I knew that it’s exactly what I need to do know. I didn’t feel that I am giving up, it felt right and at this moment I am listening myself more than ever before. I have to be gentle to myself, but tough in the right places too.

In a month, my life changed completely. I got that change that I was dreaming of, to get to another place and hopefully be able to start a life that I dream of. I lost someone who is part of me, but I am grateful and thankful for all. I am fighting and going forward, no matter how hard it feels at times. I have come this far, and it’s not the time to give up. Just listen to yourself. Breath. Think about the positive and breath the negatives out. Be thankful. Be grateful.

I love you, thank you for giving me wings and reminding me that I can. IMG_4624

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Marathon Training week 8

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First of all, I love running really long training runs, after 10km I’m ready to go forever, or at least quite long :).

Secondly, training for a marathon and moving to another country is interesting. I got all bummed this morning when I realized that I might not be able to run my 18mile/29km run, because of this. A lot has changed in little over a year… But I am so happy to be who I am at the moment and so happy to take all my future days and adventures and make myself proud even more than I already am!

So last week was good and first time emotionally hard, not because of running, this moving is bringing emotions that I didn’t expect to pop up. Day at a time, with a positive mind, or at least try that positive part hard! 🙂

Week 8

Tuesday – 4miles/6,43km planned, 6,52km done. Super slooooow buddyrun. I love how my dog is super stoked to leave and then after one km he’s all bored and doesn’t want to move anymore, but, when turn back home he’s all fire again haha!20140721-131414-47654356.jpg

Wednesday – 7miles/11,26km planned, moving stuff to do.

Thursday – 4miles/6,43km planned, 8,18km done. For some reason didn’t feel at all interested in going for a run, but I made myself do it and of course it felt amazing! Happy and proud!20140721-131414-47654140.jpg

Friday – Some strength training with Nike NTC app.20140721-131839-47919777.jpg

Saturday – 15miles/24,14km planned, 25km done! Like I said, I love these long runs. They just make me feel so strong and capable of anything! Stoked!20140721-131413-47653931.jpg

Sunday – Little NTC again to stretch my legs and work my core.20140721-131411-47651883.jpg

All in all great week, more of these!

 

 

Marathon Training week 6&7

Past weeks have been so full of life changes that my running and training has suffered a bit. I haven’t lacked in motivation but just felt really tired and exhausted. But last sundays first real long run kind of reminded me that running is actually really fun and why I even do it. I also got a proper whooping last night, when I finally got back to my NTC routine. I felt just really weak, and it was great reminder that I can’t just run, I have to do other things to make myself strong too!

Week 6

Tuesday – 3miles/4,82km planned, resting still for this one.

Wednesday – 6miles/9,65km planned, 6,41km done. Great run in the end, before leaving I was all worried about everything, so this was therapeutic one.

Thursday – 3miles/4,82km planned, 5km done. Latenight buddyrun.

Saturday – 9miles/14,48km planned, switched running to quality familytime.

Week 7

Tuesday – 4miles/6,43km planned, 6,50km done. Lazy rainbuddyrun.

Wednesday – 7miles/11,26km planned, this was the day when my life changed. I got the amazing news that I will move to Copenhagen, Denmark and start a new life there, with happier things in my future. Couldn’t run, too many things and pure shock :D.

Thursday – 4miles/6,43km, 6,83km done. Had been eating way too little, so this was not fun.

Friday – 12km done, well needed stress and anxiety out run.

Sunday – 14miles/22,53km planned, 22,50km done. This run was amazing, I was a bit nervous going for it, but when I started running it just felt so good!

I have to get myself more in the game, if I want to really feel strong while running my first marathon in Berlin end of September. I still have time, so let’s do this!

 

Marathon Training week 4&5

This post is a bit delayed… I planned on writing this straight after I come back from London. Well sometimes things change and that’s okay too :).

Last week went between warm blankets and cup of tea in hand. So that part will be short but let’s put week 4 here.

Week 4

Tuesday – 3miles/ 4,82km planned, instead I took an extra restday and spend it with my friend and rode my bike.

Sneak peak from a little test photoshoot we did with my amazing friend :)

Sneak peak from a little test photoshoot we did with my amazing friend 🙂

 

Wednesday – 6miles/ 9,65km planned, 10,2km done. Amazing relaxed run to prep myself for the Bridge the Gap weekend in London :).

Thursday – 3miles/ 4,82km planned, 5km buddyrun done.

Saturday – 11miles/17,7km planned but loads of fun run done! 8km around London, shaking our legs out :).

Sunday – Racedayyyy! 21,2km done in heat next to amazing friend, having waterwars and fun the whole time! 😀

Week 5

Tuesday – 3miles/4,82km planned, but because this was traveling day and I only had about 3 hours of sleep, I decided to take it easy.

Wednesday – 6miles/ 9,65km planned, 5km buddyrun done. Super tired and sluggish run, felt already a bit sick but just wanted to push through.

Thursday – 3miles/ 4,82km planned, spent in bed :(. And the rest of the week too…

But tomorrow I will be back! 🙂 Today I will do some yoga and some stretching to make my body ready for running again after resting well.20140630-131948-47988864.jpg

 

Marathon Training week 3

It started really bad with no motivation at all and ended with a bang of happiness!

Too much of pressure makes all fun go away, so the latter part of training week 3 was about “first easy and fun, then fast”. No useless photo pauses, too much watch checking is banned. Go with feel and remember for gods sake to enjoy the journey!

Also, because I have been stupid, I’ve been lacking on stretching and taking care of my recovery, I woke up friday with super nasty muscle pain on my calves. After that I’ve got back to smart choices.

So from no motivation at all to easy, fun and relaxed. On friday I will travel to London for “little” bridgethegap and seeing my dear friends and run Hackney Half Marathon :).

And now to last weeks runs.

Tuesday – 3 miles/ 4,82km planned, 5km done. The weather was insanely warm, so I went for run in late evening, but it was so humid that I was sweating like a little pig.

Wednesday – 5 miles/ 8km planned, 8,01km done. Slow buddyrun with the doggy.

Thursday – 3 miles/ 4,82km planned, 8,40km done. This was my “change” run. Before this run I didn’t have any motivation to do anything with my training, I just went through the runs because they were on my plan. But this one, I decided that I have to ditch the speed aspect from my mind. So this was all about no pressure just enjoying and damn, it felt good!

Sunday – 6 miles/ 9,65km planned for saturday, 13,1km done. Amazing run, pure enjoyment, just fun! So this is how running should be and then this training will be something I want to do.