Scars That Don’t Want To Heal

471567_10150877147547726_1778206004_oWe’re always evolving, growing. But certain scars take a lot longer to heal than others. Some moments in our past have gone so deep in our soul that it’s almost impossible to be free from them completely. What to do to those scars that don’t want to heal.

There’s huge contradiction between old and new, scars and newly shed skin, having closure and letting go and missing closure and not finding your freedom.

While my past haunts me at times and reminds me of how broken and torn my soul still is, I’m still human and thankful of that exact thing. Moving on and past things that have been so traumatizing, is not easy and especially when you actually want to deal them and not just forget and move on. But there are days when it all feels a bit too much and you doubt your whole being, with thoughts that just don’t make any sense. Like why this is happening to me and did I do something so wrong that I’m paying for my own karma now? Why someone deserves happiness and I don’t? Why someone’s life is so filled with love and I’m here mending my soul?

All of these thoughts make me feel really confused as I have more love in my life these days than ever before. Why some little thing can throw you completely off your course? How you can feel so loved and so alone at the same time? But I think deep down we all yearn to be loved by that one special, even when we know that we’re not alone and are so very loved by our friends and family. And admitting to yourself that you are nowhere close to being ready for any relationship with that special kind of love, because you don’t want to have any old issues when you enter something new, is hard when you feel lonely.

We’re so used to judging others and how they live their lives these days that we forget how big of an impact we’re able to do to someones life with just a simple little joke or comment. Everything is so public that it seems that it’s all free for whatever comes to our minds. And when someone is actually private and keeps their business to themselves we get confused and judge even more.

But at the same time, those people who are honest and brave with who they are and what they are going through, are the biggest inspirations to me. They truly wear their heart on their sleeve, like I feel that I am doing. Maybe I’m opening the door for people to judge me, but I would not want to live my life any other way. This is who I am and I’ve been hiding myself majority of my life and have no interest in doing so anymore. That probably will piss some people off, which is okay to me too, but please keep your judgement and comments to yourself, because in the end of the day they only tell me how you feel about yourself not me.

It’s human to feel hurt and in pain, and it’s human to feel anger towards someone who’s done you wrong. But it’s also very damn human to be able to feel happy for those who have hurt you if they seem happy. To me that shows that I have grown so much and don’t need to keep that pain of hatred in me anymore, but I also don’t need to understand why they did what they did. I forgive but certain things are harder to forget, though at the same time those experiences made me who I am and without them I would not know what I truly deserve and what I definitely don’t. So my intention is to be thankful for all, no matter how damn hard it feels some days.

It’s terrifying how we can hurt each other and how deep scars we can leave behind. The more you talk to and with people there’s this sadness of people treating each other so poorly, puking their own pain and scars to those who love them the most. It all makes it so much harder to trust in love and good, even when you have it in your life through your friends and family, but the void someone has left in you can suffocate the good of others. When someone destroys your soul with their carelessness, it kills the joy in you and you yearn freedom from that weight so bad.

“Freedom! Freedom! I can’t move
Freedom, cut me loose!
Yeah, freedom! Freedom! Where are you?
Cause I need freedom too!
I break chains all by myself
Won’t let my freedom rot in hell
Hey! I’ma keep running
Cause a winner don’t quit on themselves”

Beyonce – FreedomΒ 

No one knows what lies behind the smile that is on my face, no one has the right to judge my why’s, no one who doesn’t know what I’ve been through has the right to doubt my strength and my decisions.

I’m who I am because of my past, I’m proud of myself exactly because of that. I’ve worked so damn hard. I’ve loved even harder and gotten so gut wrenching broken that I wonder to myself how I’m still standing, but I am. Deep in me I know and believe that I deserve love and good in my life, even though how much there’s reasons to doubt that. I have the right to get mad and be honest and open, that is what makes me so damn strong! I smile so wide because of this all, my laughter comes from the deepest depths of my soul because I’ve been hurt so bad. I respect and appreciate my struggle and march in the rhythm of my own drum. And for damn sure, I will love as much I have until now, but I’m not interest in anyone’s half ass attempts of using my time. I deserve better than that!

LOVE. ALWAYS LOVE. PMA. ❀

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(Body)Positive

Let me tell you, that shit is hard! To think positive about your body, your temple, your buddy for life.

We don’t always get along, at all… There are days when you look in the mirror and it’s impossible to see anything good, then there are days when you only see good. The latter ones are what I wish to see more, when I look in the mirror, just look at myself and see good.

This post is not about me hating my body, because that would be a lie. I don’t hate my body, I really like mine. But it’s more like a pressure from outside that makes me feel like shit at times. This weird wordless pressure. You push it away and don’t think about it, but sometimes it goes in through your skin and you just feel shitty about some small thing, which might grow to bigger out of nowhere.

I’ve been little low on motivation, when it comes to running and keeping myself on top of my game. It somehow started start of this year and just kept going and going and not letting me be free from doubt. I’ve obviously had good moments and days, but there’s been this underlying of negative doubt. That has made me loose my grip on my food choices and my want to push on with my training with positive attitude. So it’s been a bit of a jo-jo these past months.

And now, I’m in the beginning of my marathon training and it’s been really hard to get going and really enjoy the process. I think I lost my hope when it comes to running and how much it really has done to me. I lost it because so many people didn’t understand that huge change in me and put that passion and importance down, so that it started to be hard to believe that it really had happened. Somehow it was hard to believe in myself when others didn’t see what they wanted to see.

I’ve also noticed that it’s hard for some people to be okay with you to change, to be in a better place, to be happier and more positive. Maybe it somehow makes them feel shittier about something in their own life, I don’t really know. But putting the person down one way or another is something that people love to do. Positivity is not okay in this world. It’s expected but it’s not okay. It’s way better to be little negative about everything and find first the bad and then maybe, just maybe the good.

I feel that it’s so easy these days to put your opinion out there that people totally forget about being respectful of other peoples feelings and that something might not be a joke to them. I am thinking that would all those people who have big opinions ever really say them to your face, in a real face to face situation? I don’t think so, and that bothers me. Why do you need to say something if you wouldn’t say it otherwise…

Back to the body… When you are going through this kind of huge change in yourself as I have the past year, you are really sensitive to comments and reactions from outside, because you are not yet 100% sure how you feel about all of that. Change is hard without all of that but with that it feels at times impossible.

When ever the change has physical activity in it, it makes it okay for people to call you whatever and have great opinions about your choices. All of sudden everyone becomes an expert in exactly what you are doing. That’s just how it goes, no if or buts.

So, I am really happy that I have people that have gone through the same change as me, it makes it a lot easier to push on, not think that you are doing something wrong.

My body, my temple, my buddy for life… I watched couple amazing Tedtalks from Christopher McDougall, about barefoot running. He’s one of my favorite writers and has written this amazing book called “Born To Run”. What he managed to do to me, was that he said in the end of the other video, “first easy and fun, then fast”. That hit me so hard. If you run and especially if you want to run races, people start asking you about your time goals and how fast this and that. That can make you go all “I need to get faster, because!”, but that will surely also take the enjoyment out of your happy place. That has happened to me. And after hearing him saying that, it kind of opened to me. I don’t need to do anything other than enjoy what I like to do, and while I do that I might get faster too, but that is not the goal. The goal is to fulfill the dreams that I have. Because I will get to the finish line, even if I am a bit slower than it would be “cool” to be.

The same morning that I watched the video, I read this amazing article about how we should embrace who we are with all we are, why we are shaming our bodies because someone who fixed a photo with a computer thinks that that’s how we should look. Boom, another great eyeopener!

After those two, I went for my run. I didn’t take my phone like I always do, so I can take a photo during my run. I didn’t want to watch what my pace was, I just wanted to run without any pressure and enjoy it. And after too many months I finally did again! That feeling, amazing!

I was just cheering to myself in my head, I was telling myself how awesome I am, how brave I am, how beautiful I am, just whatever came to my mind.

The thing is that we all have cellulite, we all have wiggly parts in our bodies, we all have something that we would love to change but would that make us any happier? And would it even matter if and when we have something of those?! It shouldn’t.

Random jump, but you get the point… I bought these super nice and cool running shorts. They are called split shorts or in Finland we call them Lasse Viren because he used to run with them on. Basically they are shorts that are a bit open from the side and loose. So when you run they are super free for your movement and flash a bit of bum too. I have been super conscious about Β my butt for, well, always. I’ve liked it but the change in your behind while go grow older and go through life changes can be terrifying. Especially if that entails being depressed a lot and eating to your pain. Since my early teenage years I haven’t used shorts at summertime at all. Only couple years ago when I was a bike messenger and felt that my legs looked nice and then this summer.

I was so conscious about my figure and that I had and have cellulite that I thought that others will see that as bad as I. But somehow through running I have gotten angry at that part of me. What does it really matter if I have cellulite, it keeps me warm at winter, I think.

So, the first time I went for a run with those shorts, I felt all empowered. Those tiny split shorts made me feel all powerful, strong, sexy and good! And like my good friend said, if you can go out in those, then others have to give you props :). The thing is that they make me feel better about myself, so I will definitely keep wearing them.

I may not be all that I am expected to be, or whatever, but I am ME. Once I truly get that, I believe that I will be happier everyday.

I think that I am quite great, beautiful, strong, capable, fabulous, sexy, ME.

So I’m going to a better direction with that in mind, slowly getting better, sometimes going backwards but knowing that I can get myself out of that and keep going.

I need to thank you Christopher McDougall, that article on ElephantJournal, this interview about one of my heros, Leigh Gerson, Beyonce for being always an inspiration to me and reminding me of certain things and those split shorts (I have two pairs already πŸ˜‰ ).

The main thing is that what we need to change is what we have inside, not what we have outside.

That is (Body)Positive!

Here’s links to those Tedtalks and that article, or two of them :).

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/06/bellies-butts-thighs-cellulite-whitney-olivia-wilson/

http://spikesandheels.com/inspiration-leigh-gerson

 

Berlin Half – My First Half

 

Where to begin… Honestly one of the best times of my life, if not the best. So overwhelming and awesome. Body and mind were not ready for all what was coming :).

I had been waiting for this race for more than half a year and obviously the anticipation was growing as I went on closer to the race. Meeting almost all of the people for the first time, even some of my running heroes. After my birthday long run, I wasn’t nervous about the race, I knew that I can do it and I trusted that. But all the people, wow! I was also nervous because I was a solodolo, I didn’t represent any crews or anything. To be honest my deepest fear was that I would be running the race alone… I know it sounds funny but I felt that. To my happiness and relief, we decided with a friend from Manchester to run it together. I knew some people before the event so I felt little calmer.

The weekend was full of pure happiness, laughter, dancing, new amazing people, old friends that I saw for the first time and finally a crew I can say is my family/home/mine.

Rich, Me, Dani and Chippy in the front, waiting for the race to start!

So the race! It was super hot, the weather was so amazing but just crazy hot! Thank god I took shorts with me, because otherwise I would have melted haha. I was running with my friends, Rich, Chippy and Dani. We started together and me and Rich took it all the way to the end together, hand in hand and all :). By the 2k it was so warm that first of us girls was ripping her shirt off, then the second and then I was having this serious inner battle of taking my shirt off, because my insecurity area is my belly… For good maybe 5-10 minutes I was battling and then said to myself that “stop that you look good!” and ripped my shirt off! Though I couldn’t believe it but yeah, I did it! πŸ˜€

We had nice pace, nothing crazy, and all the way to maybe 18 kilometers it was okay, but then my legs just got tired. I didn’t want to quit or walk but they were tired. But I pushed through with this mantra in my head saying “You got this!” all the way to the end!Β 

I am so happy to have ran this race with my friend, brother, crew member, Rich! We decided to run this race together as it was our first. We never left each other, kept pushing and making sure that we are okay. He took care of me when I (probably) looked tired as **** and I did the same. I am truly blessed to have him as friend, he’s the Bombzzzz!! Love you!! You rock big time! πŸ™‚

No crying on the finish line… which was real surprise for me but the moment I heard my boyfriends voice on the phone the tears just shot out of my eyes!! πŸ˜€ That’s how it goes sometimes.

I had a little stumble on my raceday road… I got an heatstroke from that superb weather and had to let the after party to others and sleep my nausea away. Bummed but I knew that there will be new partys, so not too much disappointment there.

Serious proof! Boom!

The most amazing thing for me was to have a crew where I was taken in. I am so proud and honored to rep Still Waters Run Deep Manchester now and also to run my first half in their “colors”. The fact that my closest and dearest friends are the founders and members makes it all the better! I might be living in Germany but I know that my family has my back and this is huge for me, as I have been dreaming of being a part of a running crew since the day I started (almost).

My SWRD brothers!

My SWRD brothers!

I had the most amazing day and a half with my friends before I left Berlin. I have never been happier to call some people my friends. Blessed, that’s how I feel.

The Clique

My Clique

This past long weekend has given me so much, taking all the sweat I had in me, opened my eyes to so many thing but also made little sad. Sad mostly because I will miss a lot of people, until we see again.

But also because it’s eye opening to see how some people act and forget to leave their egos at home. There will always be people who aren’t like you thought they will be, and obviously that is disappointing. I think it’s good for us all to remind ourselves that we do this because we love running, not because we are better/cooler/whatever than others. We are the same, our passion might be different. Let’s remember that we come from so many different situations and places and we need to be open to difference, we are the same and still different and that is a great thing!

Running alone is pretty great, but when you can share it, it’s just awesome. How nice it is to see your friends smile next to you, knowing that if it gets hard they are there for you! Pure LOVE!

Thank you to all you who gave me the best time ever, thank you to all the new people I got the opportunity to meet, thank you to my awesome roommates, my northern brothers, my Big Brother for life, and last but definitely not least, thank you BEYONCE!! πŸ˜€

PEACE & LOVE!!

 

I DID IT AGAIN!

But my mind is still making this hard on me, so hard. When I woke up my legs felt good, way better than yesterday. And I thought that I run in the morning or early on during the day, because it was supposed to rain the whole day.

So I went for my run and it was little bit of a battle, more with my mind than my legs. That’s something that I don’t get, how on earth your body can just do it but your mind not. Why can’t they be in symbiosis or something like that. Or is that something that you have to work on too?

But I am proud of myself. That I know. I also am happy that I decided to put this project here, because this is the reason that I want to succeed. I would feel so embarrassed if I would give up. And on my instagram I have people cheering me on, that’s a first! πŸ™‚ But it feels that people are behind me on this one, and that feels super good!

I also realized today on my run that this the first time ever, that I haven’t given up. FIRST time in 29 years?! What’s wrong with me and why I always stop before the good stuff begins? Well I guess I’m not doing it now then… πŸ™‚

Let’s see what tomorrow brings and I maybe have to give my body a break from my 5K daily run, less is equally enough. But ones you make your mind…

Oh yeah, and I wanted to share my running music, if someone loves them too :).

Today it was all about Beyonce!! I looooove me some Beyonce!!! Last SuperBowl, my boyfriend and our friend had to stay quiet as a something hahah when she did her Halftime Show!!! πŸ˜€

Monday: Syron- Mixtape #1

Tuesday: Ellie Goulding- Halcyon Remixed (Nike remix)

Today: Beyonce- BDay

For some reason my Nike app puts treadmill when I run on the road…
 

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