29 Days Of Gratitude – Day 15

Reminder to all of us <3

Reminder to all of us!

My challenge got a bit paused for some time, but I’m back. And today was a great day to do a little come back.

I was definitely reminded about how amazing my life is and how blessed I am to have the people in it that I do. We all need those moments, to realize, just to realize how good it is. To start again from tiny things of positivity and gratitude.

I was back at work for the first day after being at home feeling miserable and confused after my epilepsy seizure. And the feeling, with nerves and worry how they would welcome me back, which obviously was a bit foolish because… I felt so loved and welcome. I really needed that reminder of how amazing my colleagues are. Thank you!

And how great feeling it was to be back at work, doing what I do and really enjoying it. Maybe we all need a moment at times in our lives where we are ripped from what we love, to realize how important it really is to us. That of course can mean so many different things, but in my case I needed this full stop and rest to realize how much I really love what I do. My wrist my hurt more than all together in the past two weeks but I’ll take that with a tired smile.

What made me super happy today or any day is/was to be able to help someone in someway, just say a nice word or share their joy, sorrow, whatever, or just be polite, something we somehow these days forget too often. Just be polite and say thank you.

I had these amazing moments of random acts of kindness today, by people I just met or some of my dearest friends, new and old. And the way I was in front of those moments and people, made me seriously understand how goddamn lucky I am. I am definitely not alone, I have such a huge safety net of people in my life to catch me if I fall. I’ve had so many years of my life that I truly believed that I was completely alone and that no one really cared about me at all. How wrong was I! And how happy I am to be wrong like that!

Now I am tired, so tired from just being back at my normal life, but I’m tired with a lucky and blessed and self loving smile on my face, because of the people around me and the simple fact that I decided to start believing in good and seeing good in every little moment.

Less is more and love makes everything better ❤ PMA!

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If I Lose Myself, I Lose It All

IMG_0368I’ve obviously entered the next chapter of my life lately. There has been the biggest storm and just pure amount of what the fuck in it, that has only made me stronger and made me see things clearly.

“She survived whatever happened; she forgave, she became.” 

-W.H.Auden, The Model

I’ve gone through the hardest and best summer and especially the last month. The last year has been just WOW, and here I am still. Trucking along, feeling happier and more blessed than ever, though never been all around this tired in my life.

I think in a way I’ve finally woken up, finally realized that I am me and I have no interest in changing one damn thing for anyone else. I’ve always been the one who adapts to whatever the other one is going through, forgetting myself and being there for them. But the situations have been one sided, I’ve been the one there, not equally. Not anymore. I’m tired of that.

I know that I have a habit of being too nice, which usually ens up me getting hurt. Happened again. But this time I’m not alone, I have the best safety net around me. I don’t have to go through all of this alone. That humbles me to the bone. I’ve honestly wanted to have this feeling since I was a kid, always been too afraid of actually letting people this close that they can be there for me. I finally stopped fighting and let them come. The scariest and best thing I’ve ever done.

Now that I am entering this new chapter of my life, once more, I feel anxious and uncomfortable, because I’m not sure what I should do or feel. I hate this feeling, it makes me want to jump out of my skin. While I’m in a way more comfortable in my skin than ever before.

After having one of the best weekends with old and new running friends, explaining my weird life situation, I started thinking if I am doing the right thing by staying and trying my best in Copenhagen. The faces and reactions of people when they hear that I don’t have a home or even a job at the moment, they made me think about this whole thing in a different way. Am I doing the right thing, am I?

When you’ve lived the way I am now, for as long as I have, you adapt to things easier and differently than you ever thought possible. You don’t stress about certain things at all, that used to make you feel like it’s all going to hell. If you would’ve said to me in my early twenties that when I’m 31, I won’t have a place to call home, I’m without a job and I’m single and still no idea what I want to be when I grow up, I would’ve laughed at you and said that hell to the no! I was so comfortable and wanted things to be comfortable, so much so that I ended up fucking up that whole thing and make my life harder than it ever should’ve been.

So now that I have this situation as my current life, I am still happier than ever before. I feel richer than ever before, not in money but with pure blessings in my life. I’ve been hurt more than I thought possible. I’ve gone through more than I thought possible and still standing here not ready to give up. I’ve loved more than I thought possible, only to realize that I am alone in that. But I’ve also finally being in the moment and lived my own life, my OWN life. Not caring what someone else thinks of it.

“Continue to share your heart with people even if it has been broken.”

-Amy Poehler

I do have moments, when I think that what is going to happen, where am I going to end up. I look at people that are my age, doing those things that I thought that I would been doing at this age. Being in a relationship, maybe married, hopefully have kids, sharing my life with someone, have a home that looks like me, have a job that pays the bills and enables me to travel if I feel like it. Isn’t all of that what we should want and have at this point in our lives? I do have moments, not easy to admit, when I think “when is my time”?

I’ve been running away from myself for most of my life, and I feel that I’ve finally stopped. I don’t hate myself anymore, I love myself. I am starting to know who I really am and really enjoying all of that. I feel my strength and it scares the shit out of me at times. My ability to love and forgive is insane. And I absolutely love that about myself. I see or at least try to see things in a positive way, even when shit gets very real. I still have things so much better than so many other people. And that is what keeps me humble. I have to remember how lucky I am.

I met some people last weekend that just made me feel insanely calm and like I want to have their company for long in my life. They’re calmness made the noise around me disappear and instantly made me feel good and at peace. I wish I could tell that to them and make them understand how special they are. But feel that after meeting once it’s a bit too much to just put out there. Maybe it’s not, I truly don’t know. Maybe some of them reads this and understands that I am talking about them.

“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”

-Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things

 Letting go has been one of the hardest things for me, but once I finally did understand it, the freedom it brought was sweet. I think all of us deep down want to believe in the good in others, which makes us love them harder than we should. With the price of our hearts getting dragged around and thrown away. I am definitely done that. But this is the first time I let go, truly let go and saw how I have done nothing wrong and could forgive to be free again. That stuff is hard and I have no idea why I was able to do it now. Why now and not before? Maybe because I’m really not the person I was before.

In the face of all the new in my life, almost missing people that I don’t even know, feeling scared of what will happen, thinking if I’ll be a nomad for the rest of my life, I still feel stronger than ever before. When I think of all that has been going on, I could easily crumble under the weight, but I’m fighting. I’ve found this warrior in me that is not ready to just give up and crawl under a rock. I have so much in me that needs to be let out and I need to enjoy every step that I have on this planet. I have so many places to visit. I have so much love in me to shine out and give. I have so many kisses and hugs that I need to give and receive.

I have finally, finally, understood that if I lose myself, I lose it all. I am all I have, and I am enough. And I don’t need to know straight away everything, or know what needs to happen next or where I need to be next. I just need to give myself a break to breath and listen to myself. I need to give myself a break to be patient. All will work out.

“Someday someone won’t be afraid of how much you love. They won’t stay on the shore; they’ll meet you in the depths.”

PMA ❤

Blessing In Disguise

IMG_0201Sometimes something that you thought to be the best for you has to end to find what really is there for you.

The past couple of weeks have been all about insane ups and downs, more downs than ups to be honest. And somehow I’ve felt stronger and willing to fight for this all more than ever in my life. Weird warrior mode is in full effect, I guess!

Couple of days ago I was thinking about the past year, really went through what has really happened in a span of only a year. A move from Germany to Denmark, being in a long distance relationship, loosing my Grandma, moving to Finland, being at “home” without feeling like that at all, working for a great friend, having to live separately from my dog and seeing him rarely, training like no other to feel alive to be able to keep pushing, healing myself from all that has happened, getting sponsors and ambassadorships, being so tired that it hurt, long relationship ending, running my first 30km/marathon/ultra in only couple of months, running my first official ultra and realizing that I need to move back to Copenhagen, opening my heart more than ever before, working so hard to make this all work, moving to Copenhagen, pushing hard to make this my home which I am still doing, running my best ultra, falling in love, finally finding a job, going to the best vacation ever, getting crazy close with my little Sister, having the best and weirdest summer ever, having to make the worst decision to give up my dog/my family for good, realizing that is the day that Grandma passed away, being homeless, getting my heart broken, feeling like I’m the luckiest girl with the people I have around me, being crazy stoked about how my life is looking, loosing my job, having the best support around me, realizing that I have this fight in me that fears nothing, a week to go to run the Copenhagen Half for Grandmas memory and enjoying all my international friends.

All in all, it’s been hell of a ride.

And I definitely missed something. So in the span of a year shit can get very real. I’ve come closer to people that I thought that I lost, I’ve lost a lot of very dear people, I’ve loved more than ever before, I’ve become so much braver and confident, I’m being there for others in a completely new way, and the love I’m receiving is just insane!

There have been days lately when I’ve thought that is this all, the shit hitting the fan, some bad karma coming back to me that I just don’t remember doing. Days when I thought that when’s the actual good coming along, is it going to be a struggle all the time. So many tears, both sad and happy. So many amazing hugs, new friends that are going to be there for life. There are days when I just think that what is the point of this all, and then some friend just says something super small and it clears all the shit and I smile again and am all loved up with the amount of blessings I have in my life.

I’m not going anywhere, I am tired as fuck for fighting but then again, I am fighting for something that is bigger than this moment, it’s my life and my happiness. And with all of this and what has happened, I am happier than ever before and I would not change that feeling for any amount of money ever! This is my home and I will one day actually have my own home here, that’s it!

Sometimes, and I should know this, we think that people or jobs or situations are where we are supposed to be or have, and then we let go for ourselves and new and better things come along. Somehow I still believe and it keeps bringing me all that good good. So, I will fight, and love, and hug. Working as hard and harder to make this life what it’s supposed to be, an adventure!

WARRIOR MODE AND ALL THE PMA ❤IMG_0228

 

Treat Yo Self With Reality

IMG_8040The post with all the honesty.

For few days, I’ve been really not okay. The old wanted to come to play and mess with my head. The fear of loosing something that has found it’s way to my heart, and possibly break it into million pieces. The fear of failing and not being able to do what I know in my heart to be right. The reality of it all exploding in front of me and me not having anything to stop it.

The level of me being hard on myself is something I wish I could delete completely at times. The amount of strength I expect from myself at times is just mind blowing.

But also the level of not giving myself credit for how strong I am is mind blowing. I’ve always been good at that. I really, really, want to get better at that. And probably am, without realizing it.

Yesterday I let my old ways let my whole being feel like I’m nothing and will ever be. That I’m still the same as before, which is obviously an utter bullshit. And I know that, but I felt just weak and shitty and heartbroken. So I made myself believe that I will be alone for the rest of my life and that no one wants to be my friend. I made myself feel like shit, because I know too well how that works. It gives you this blanket of comfort and you can just be miserable there alone with self pity on all time high.

And then I got the biggest bitch slap of all time from Universe.

I actually went for a run with other people, and once I saw the pure amount of those people, my breathing just wanted to stop working. I was absolutely terrified. All those feelings of leaving behind and not being able to keep up and by that feeling like I’m nothing and not good enough and just shitty came back.

A hug from a dear friend, made the panic ease up a bit. I realized that there were people I know and who were happy to see me. There was bitch slap number 1. And there was quite a few coming…

All of sudden I wasn’t afraid. I forgot to be afraid. I almost felt excited. I felt happy to have few friends to call my anchors. I found a place next to them when we started running. And I felt so strong! I wasn’t the slowest one who was leaving behind. I wasn’t that one! Bitch slap number 2.

I was running and staring at this guys legs while they stepped on the ground and followed the pace of them, noticed that it matched mine. I felt strong and like I have this all warrior me back in me. I’m not going to give up this easy.

And I remember thinking if I’m being selfish for moving forward in the group of runners or should I stay with my friends, like they have with me before. And on one point I did wait for a friend, because he’s been there for me. Even though he said that just go, I just said to him that I’m not going to leave you. And really realized that that’s me. But I am also allowed to be selfish and move forward, just like he said. Bitch slap number 3. So I ran faster, the pace my legs wanted to go and was with the first ones in the group and felt so comfortable. I was able to do something I’ve only almost done in my sleep. Feel that strong.

Give yourself a break, something I’ve heard a lot these past days from my closest people.

To understand how much have happened in the time I’ve been in Copenhagen, will probably take a lot of time. When you’re in it all, it’s really hard to see how much it truly is. Two weeks is nothing, and in my head everything should be done already. And while nothing being done yet, makes me feel like the biggest failure, hearing few nice words about it all from a friend, makes me feel like I still have hope. Which I obviously have, more than I even can understand. I’ve just lost my faith in this all a bit. And that’s normal.

I always go into everything with so much heart that I forgot how I need to say that I need help too. I am so open that if you want to rip my heart to pieces, it’s almost there for you to on a platter. Not that I want anyone to do that, and I’m pretty sure I’m stronger than before to let that happen.

I suck at being mad at people. I’ve been fighting my whole life so hard that at one point I just stopped fighting for useless shit. I was tired of fighting. It felt like a thing that will never take me anywhere other than feeling even worse. So I stopped. But I think I forgot a bit that it’s okay to feel the feeling of being mad at times, if there’s a reason for it. And this morning I all of sudden was so pissed off, for a reason. But it surprised me because it’s so long since I felt like that the last time. In a way it was very welcome, as I don’t want to be one of those that never get mad and then the whole thing would explode or something. Doubt that I would do that as my honesty usually keeps me sane when it comes to that, but still.

So there’s a time to be mad for a reason and that’s completely okay. Do not suck it in!

When I’ve been talking with people and saying that I know that I want to concentrate on myself and not anyone else, I’ve been probably saying that more to myself than what I really felt. That’s okay too. Being fucking terrified of life in general, is okay. It really is terrifying at times, have you ever jumped and followed your heart… Shit!

The days here that I’ve decided to do something and then done nothing but been exhausted, I forgive myself and don’t need to feel like shit. I don’t have to always be able to push through.

The days when a friend don’t understand that I really need them, it’s okay too. Even though it’s crazy hard for me to ask for help and it’s a big deal for me to do it, still it’s okay. We all have our own lives to live and sometimes we say things that might not be true to avoid situations or to say that I can’t right now. But I have more friends than only one these days, which I have to remind myself of at times. I am that lucky now! How crazy is that?!

To be honest I have no idea how I keep going at times, I just can’t give up anymore. I have no idea why and how I love as much as I do, I just don’t know how to close my heart anymore. I don’t have any idea why I understand so much and forgive so easily. Maybe someone did some kind of open heart surgery to me one night and cleaned all the webs and don’ts and old scars, and left it as open it is now. To be just ready for give it all out.

There’s few things in life that I really wish to have. Really simple ones. To be hugged by that one, whose hugs feel like you’re inside of a cloud of safety and peace. To be able to call a place home, with my name on the door. To go on a long walks and just be quiet but so comfortable. Maybe one day see a smile from my own baby, the look I see in my friend and her baby. I’ve finally realized that I want to look down on my body and smile at that huge belly one day. I want to have great conversations with so many different routes in it that you don’t always know how it’s possible to still keep it alive. To laugh so much that tears fall down your cheeks. To always remember that the simple, tiniest things are the biggest. I want kisses to my forehead. I want to dance without care in the world. I want to cry with my whole body, and let it all out. I want to have my own little garden and look at things grow. I want to be that romantic sop that I actually am but never have let out. I want to do things to others that I’ve always thought to be a bit stupid but means so much to me. I want to feel things, to the max and back.  I want to share my life with someone who thinks probably most of the time that how do I love that one so much, she’s crazy, but still the best thing in the world.

We all make our lives at times way harder than they should be. The pressure we feel from outside, the one which has nothing to do with us in reality, makes us make decisions that just aren’t right. I’ve done all of that, more than I wish to count. But I broke away and free from that once again, and I really want to try to keep it in my head that all will be okay. Give yourself a chance to be happy, just happy. And enjoy those moments and hold them closer than anything else. Patience. Love. Understanding. Smiles. Hugs. And a bit more love. That’s all we need.

Give yourself a break. ❤

 

When Stoke Level Is Just Below Zero

IMG_7995And here it is, the exhaustion of it all, of all the new and the try and just tiredness.

I’ve been in this place before, this is not the first time I have this feeling and this bullshit exhaustion in me. It comes every time I’ve moved to somewhere new, hell it comes sometimes even without the move.

I’ve been pushing on like no other, really liking the push, being able to forget that I might get tired of it too. Somehow you always forget how much this all takes out of you. All the new, all the new places, the people, all the questions of this and that about why you moved. And there comes a time when you would love to say “can I live?”. Nothing mean or negative, because it’s really nice that people care and are interested, but being on this side it can get a bit much.

Moving countries is never a walk in the park, or if you’re able to do it like that, you are definitely a super human and I don’t know how you do it. But I’m not a super human, I am me and I get these days when I just have nothing in me, I don’t mean that I want to give up but my stoke level is definitely below zero.

You feel alone as fuck, pardon my french in this post, and that feeling is the worst. Especially when I know that I’m not, but that gut wrenching of feeling alone. I hate that! Fuck I hate that!

You feel like what am I even doing? Why do I have to be the one who fucking follows her heart and jumps to unknown and just believes in all that? Why don’t my heart just be happy with settling and doing what I’m supposed to? But it doesn’t work like that. And I don’t even want to. Even though this is crazy hard at times, I really honestly don’t even want anything else.

You feel like you’re on top of the world and then you fall so hard and then you need to cry it all out and then you feel even more tired and in the middle of that all, you know that it will be okay. The happiness hasn’t left, it’s just taking a break to let the fear of all the new come to the surface. And oh hell, I am so afraid. I am afraid of failing, which I really don’t want to. This is the moment in my life when I don’t want to fail. I know that I can’t give up, and I’m not going to. But I am genuinely terrified! IMG_7773

I’m so stoked for others and there for them, that I tend to forget how much I have going on in my life at times. That happened again, slow learning process I guess… And it feels like you’ve gone through so much and so much time has passed, and you realize that it’s all happened in the last two weeks. So feeling overwhelmed is an understatement.

And there I was this morning with all this inside of me, in a way knowing what is going on and why I feel this tired but not really giving it the chance that it needed. And started my long run with a group of people. And I just felt like shit, nothing to do with my body, my mind was so tired that I almost wanted to puke. I’m so thankful that a friend, whose moved around and is not from here was running with me. The fact that I was able to say how I felt to someone who actually understood how I felt, so needed. But sometimes you need to get it all out, and in my case out of my eyeballs.

On top of this, I’ve always this thing in me, my whole life, that I know when something is happening to someone else. I know it before they say anything, or even realize it themselves. Some see things, I just get this feeling and I know. It can be so exhausting at times. And today it really was. There are days when you just would rather not know anything.

But that’s not life, life doesn’t care if you’ve had a rough day or week or feel tired. It goes on like it has before, and it should. And I never wanted to have a life with no ups and downs. So I am getting exactly what I ordered. Oh the irony!

You will get disappointed by the people you care and trust the most. And even on times when you really wish it would not happen. Friends that have been there for you, are so rapped up in their own that they don’t see or hear when you really need them. And this is the thing with loving unconditionally, you should never expect getting what you give, that’s not love, that’s business. IMG_7922

But it would be nice to have that text that says, how are you, without any reason.

I have this one person in my life, one that I care about a bit more than others. And the fact that having really rough time in their life and not maybe being able to ask that question, they still did. And how grateful I am to have that one in my life. The fact that they just listened, and let all those hopeless tears just pour out of me and still give me that much needed love and reminding me of what I have, and making me feel like I truly am not alone. It makes me tear up now when I think how important that was and is. I hope they understand how important they are to me for that and all the other they bring in my life. All I can say thank you <3.

I have to remind myself, once again, that being nice to myself is equally important as doing that to others. Actually even more. But it’s also okay to feel like this. It’s okay to feel like shit and be afraid and terrified. And it’s important to have patience with those things that are the most important. Give yourself and others time to really realize what’s going on, as it can all get a bit forgotten under the pure pace of things. And ask for help and say when you need a friend.

I might feel all to the max and even a bit over, love like there’s no tomorrow, forgive things that others think that I should never do, but at least I am staying true to myself and being me. That’s the biggest thing for me. I have no interest anymore in regretting what I do or say, because I know I open my mouth only when something worthy comes out. No more fighting against things that make no sense. How ever hard being me is at times, I still do not want to change anything about it. I am still very much blessed to be the me I am today.

So. After all of the shitty feeling, I am thankful for all that happened today and the past days. Hard and exhausting, I would not change a moment of it. These are the moments when I see the change in me and the ones that teach me so much more. And make me realize how goddamn strong I really am. And it happens again, while I type this all, I smile again without no special reason, the happiness is just rising it’s head and the love is pouring in me and out of me. I’m back and actually I was never away, this is me.

PMA ❤IMG_8010