Self Confidence / Insecurities

screenshot_20160916-131214It’s funny how little you need to feel like your confident self again. Sometimes you need to go far to see very close, something I’ve done a lot lately. But it also seems to be the only way to find myself again. So from insecurities to finding my self confidence to realising that I get still very lost with myself.

Last weekend I was in Stockholm, the place where I always feel like I can breath free, not sure even now after all these years why. Something in that place that I just feel so at home. I was there because of our massive running gathering, which also meant I got to see people I’ve missed like crazy, and meeting new forever friends you just click instantly.

The funny little thing I felt in me was that, instantly when we landed in Stockholm, I felt like that long lost confident me that I’ve been searching and looking for such a long time, basically the last year or so. Obviously I’ve had moments I’ve felt that me, but most of the past year has been such a weird time that wow.

After battling with my self confidence and body image this whole year, it felt so damn good to feel good about myself. And the thing is that I don’t know what changed, why there I got that part of me back. In a way it doesn’t make any sense, nothing really changed, other than the location and the people around me. Maybe just the pure positive atmosphere around me was the key. Something I feel like I am hunting after with dogs here in Finland.

The feeling of feeling comfortable and beautiful in my own skin and clothes and all that, felt so damn good. I had to do a little “you got this” at home before I left to the airport, but I remember looking at myself in the mirror and saying that “you look great” and that “do not give a shit if someone doesn’t like this”. Those peptalks are needed at times… Just try yourself.

Being myself has been a challenge lately and I’ve been so damn tired of that. I’ve known all the time that I’m there, under some weird pressure, but it’s been hard to get to the center, under all those layers of doubt. There hasn’t been enough “who cares” and too much of “what ifs” and “maybe I should make myself smaller in every way possible”.

Sometimes we need good company to remind us of our amazingness. Sometimes someone needs to give us a little attention to wake up. It might just be a look to make you smile. Or it might be words like “your body is amazing” from someone who has no idea about what you’ve gone through with your body and how insecure and at times even ugly you’ve felt with it.

We tend to forget how important it is to be there for each other and positively comment, even if it feels funny. The importance of being positive and saying those things out loud can be so massive to someone. I need to get better at that too, saying those to myself as well as to others.

Maybe someone is thinking now, that that confidence should come from within, and yes I do agree but sometimes we really need a reminder, that’s it. It’s that simple.

With all my bumps and cellulite and wobbly bits, I actually felt so beautiful and desired. I loved that feeling of not needing to be embarrassed when I felt the touch on those parts of me. Something so simple but so important. Honest gentle touch and words.

Now I just have to keep being that confident me here, in my home where it’s a lot harder. There’s something that happens to me every time I’m back in Finland that I forget all that progress I’ve made in these past years and go back to that insecure uncomfortable one, feeling like I’m stuck and have no future. It’s like my past here is holding me back, but only because I let it. That’s the only reason.

Maybe every time I feel like I’m falling to my old ways, I need to remember those words and that touch and bounce back up to my amazing beautiful self! 🙂

Self love in full effect! And thank you to that one who helped me realise my real worth without knowing my past. ❤

PMA. LOVE. ❤

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Body Image – How It Changes Through The Years

From year 2011 by Joni Helminen

From year 2012 by Joni Helminen

For the past month I’ve really been thinking about my body and how I see it these days. I’ve changed so much in few years and my body even more.

In my twenties I was extremely insecure, like probably all of us, but somehow I found my sexiness as this power that I could use and feel the power through it. And I used it, not always the right way, for myself, as I wasn’t doing anything to really get to know myself. I was obviously trying to find who I was but I think in a completely wrong way. And obviously I thought that if a guy wants me then he likes me, yes I was that lost.

I was going through photos from my old computer and saw these photos of me from few years ago, photos of me topless, and I was just looking at them. How I held my body and what my expression was. Did I look strong or insecure or what it was.

I remember how I wanted those photos to be taken, I wanted to feel like the hottest girl around, though I never got that… But I do like to have them, to see how I looked back then.

For so long I tried so hard to be liked, and I didn’t get any of that. When I stopped and started liking myself, things changed.

And the way I see myself these days is so different than back then. I’ve worked crazy hard for that.

Back then what was really important to me was that I looked good and was skinny. Because obviously that was what mattered. Though in my twenties my body has gone through so much change. My weight went from around 60kg to over 80kg to less than 60kg to this and that, and that all has left it’s mark on my body and skin. The main reason for this is my depression. When I get depressed I eat, eating has always been the thing that I am able to control and my body has taken the toll of that.

From year 2011 by Samuli Ronkanen

From year 2011 by Samuli Ronkanen

Now I’m starting to really love myself and seeing my body in a new way. Though it’s a constant struggle.

I look at my body and see the changes, how the different stages of my last ten years have done, and how my age is changing my body too. I guess it’s part of this aging thing too.

I really love how strong I look these days, yes I have visible cellulite, and my abs aren’t as tight as I would like them to be, but I am strong. And I carry myself really confident most of the time now, not saying I’m sorry with my appearance as I did before. I don’t care what people say most of the time, and just wear what I want, which hasn’t always been that easy for me.

But I’m finding the me I really am. And that is powerful. I really wish I could have the same photos that I attached here taken now, to see the difference. Because I’m sure that the life experience of the past few years would show on them.

It’s really empowering when I’m able to go out the way I want and be proud of myself. And get my inner self shine. The truer I am the better I feel and the better I feel I look. I’m still searching but I feel like I’m pretty close.

I wish that I can see myself how I see myself now, for long and not loose this feeling. I don’t always have to love what I see but I do have to respect the work and give credit to myself for it. And say something positive and good about myself to myself every day. And remember to love myself and say that too.

PMA ❤

From year 2011 by Joni Helminen

From year 2012 by Joni Helminen