It’s Complicated, My Relationship With My Body

You remember when you had the option to choose “it’s complicated” as your relationship status on FB? Or maybe it’s still there, no idea. Yeah, that came to my mind tonight while I was walking and thinking things, like I usually do while moving. It made me think of my body, or more how my relationship with my body has always been a bit complicated.

It goes to my relationship with food too, but I feel that those two are basically the same, at least sometimes.

I was walking, fairly fast and thinking how this can be my best when it’s only four years since I ran my strongest Ultra Marathon. And how I build myself physically from close to zero to that in only couple of years. Four years feels such a tiny amount of time that it just doesn’t make any sense when I think about it.

Around that time I was also in the best shape in how I felt about my body in general. I was strong and still curvy in the right places to me. I was at least 20kg lighter than I am now with my little over 90kg. Which is the heaviest I’ve ever been. And I can tell that it’s a lot to carry.

You feel this amount of excess on you in too many ways. I’m also in that age that things like this really make a difference. I remember how one day few months ago I was walking the stairs to home after work, and I realised how out of breath I was. It scared me and made me feel super bummed out. I was just thinking how did this happen.

I was really active kid, and I loved to move my body all the way to my early adulthood and then it just stopped. I remember noticing that if I don’t move my body or do nothing, I gain weight really easy. But I was also battling one of the worst depressions at that time too. And when I get depressed, I eat. Those two go together way too well in me. And my poor body went up and down while I went through my depression.

That’s how it’s always been. My body has to try to hold on while my head is having it’s “moment”. It’s gone from healthy and active to overweight and sluggish so many times that it’s scary to really think back. And now I’m in that overweight and sluggish in a way I’ve never been and while I got tired of my overall nothingness, I got tired of feeling shitty about my body too. But it’s not any easier to be patient with your body than your mind, probably even harder as you really have to do the work yourself. I can ask for help but I still have to move my body myself and think what I eat.

And it’s funny how we view our self worth through how our body looks, and how we think others look at us. On my walk I remember how I viewed my self worth through how someone else wanted me, in a sexual way, when I was younger. It feels so crazy but it felt really normal back then, in my early twenties. Basically if someone wanted to have sex with you, then you were something. In my case, that kind of behavior lasted really short amount time, which I am extremely happy about. But it doesn’t change the fact that we all still in our adult years have moments when we think our worth through the idea of someone wanting us sexually.

Even as a 35 year old woman I have moments when I think if that someone thinks of me, or if that person misses me, or was I just a weird weak moment? I am fairly sure I’m not alone in those kinds of thoughts. And it’s such a weird combination because why does any of those matter when it comes to how I view my body. But the reality is that even though I’m in a fairly good place with myself, the way I view my body and self worth, I still want to feel wanted. Like any of us. But when you have a hard time getting your butt moving and feeling better about yourself, it’s hard to believe that I could be wanted in that way too.

So, yeah, it is complicated. The relationship between yourself and your body. It’s all part of the bigger picture of how you think of yourself. And as lately I’ve had to face my fears and thoughts of myself, this is coming up too. On top of the actual fact that all of my clothes are just too small for me. And my stubborn ass doesn’t want to or more like can’t afford to buy bigger just for the sake of it. I want to be able to look my naked body in the mirror and be proud of my capable and strong body, and not feel like I do now, a bit disappointed and sad. But it is tied together, the more I move my body and do things that make me feel better, I slowly see myself and the world in a clearer way. But it’s just such a slow process that the willingness to keep moving forward takes all I have in myself and I fail more than I care to admit. I still am the master of I’ll start tomorrow or next Monday. And I wish I would realise that I’ve done so many amazing things already that I should know that I can do this now too. But I guess I just have to show it all to myself once again. I already have a goal in mind, but I’ll keep that to myself for now.

For me right now, it’s baby steps, slow and steady. Trying my hardest to be gentle but firm with myself. Remind myself that I really can do and be better for my own sake. This is for myself, no one else. Even with all those thoughts, but they just make me a human with real and normal wants and wishes.

PMA ❤

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Self Confidence / Insecurities

screenshot_20160916-131214It’s funny how little you need to feel like your confident self again. Sometimes you need to go far to see very close, something I’ve done a lot lately. But it also seems to be the only way to find myself again. So from insecurities to finding my self confidence to realising that I get still very lost with myself.

Last weekend I was in Stockholm, the place where I always feel like I can breath free, not sure even now after all these years why. Something in that place that I just feel so at home. I was there because of our massive running gathering, which also meant I got to see people I’ve missed like crazy, and meeting new forever friends you just click instantly.

The funny little thing I felt in me was that, instantly when we landed in Stockholm, I felt like that long lost confident me that I’ve been searching and looking for such a long time, basically the last year or so. Obviously I’ve had moments I’ve felt that me, but most of the past year has been such a weird time that wow.

After battling with my self confidence and body image this whole year, it felt so damn good to feel good about myself. And the thing is that I don’t know what changed, why there I got that part of me back. In a way it doesn’t make any sense, nothing really changed, other than the location and the people around me. Maybe just the pure positive atmosphere around me was the key. Something I feel like I am hunting after with dogs here in Finland.

The feeling of feeling comfortable and beautiful in my own skin and clothes and all that, felt so damn good. I had to do a little “you got this” at home before I left to the airport, but I remember looking at myself in the mirror and saying that “you look great” and that “do not give a shit if someone doesn’t like this”. Those peptalks are needed at times… Just try yourself.

Being myself has been a challenge lately and I’ve been so damn tired of that. I’ve known all the time that I’m there, under some weird pressure, but it’s been hard to get to the center, under all those layers of doubt. There hasn’t been enough “who cares” and too much of “what ifs” and “maybe I should make myself smaller in every way possible”.

Sometimes we need good company to remind us of our amazingness. Sometimes someone needs to give us a little attention to wake up. It might just be a look to make you smile. Or it might be words like “your body is amazing” from someone who has no idea about what you’ve gone through with your body and how insecure and at times even ugly you’ve felt with it.

We tend to forget how important it is to be there for each other and positively comment, even if it feels funny. The importance of being positive and saying those things out loud can be so massive to someone. I need to get better at that too, saying those to myself as well as to others.

Maybe someone is thinking now, that that confidence should come from within, and yes I do agree but sometimes we really need a reminder, that’s it. It’s that simple.

With all my bumps and cellulite and wobbly bits, I actually felt so beautiful and desired. I loved that feeling of not needing to be embarrassed when I felt the touch on those parts of me. Something so simple but so important. Honest gentle touch and words.

Now I just have to keep being that confident me here, in my home where it’s a lot harder. There’s something that happens to me every time I’m back in Finland that I forget all that progress I’ve made in these past years and go back to that insecure uncomfortable one, feeling like I’m stuck and have no future. It’s like my past here is holding me back, but only because I let it. That’s the only reason.

Maybe every time I feel like I’m falling to my old ways, I need to remember those words and that touch and bounce back up to my amazing beautiful self! 🙂

Self love in full effect! And thank you to that one who helped me realise my real worth without knowing my past. ❤

PMA. LOVE. ❤

Body Image – How It Changes Through The Years

From year 2011 by Joni Helminen

From year 2012 by Joni Helminen

For the past month I’ve really been thinking about my body and how I see it these days. I’ve changed so much in few years and my body even more.

In my twenties I was extremely insecure, like probably all of us, but somehow I found my sexiness as this power that I could use and feel the power through it. And I used it, not always the right way, for myself, as I wasn’t doing anything to really get to know myself. I was obviously trying to find who I was but I think in a completely wrong way. And obviously I thought that if a guy wants me then he likes me, yes I was that lost.

I was going through photos from my old computer and saw these photos of me from few years ago, photos of me topless, and I was just looking at them. How I held my body and what my expression was. Did I look strong or insecure or what it was.

I remember how I wanted those photos to be taken, I wanted to feel like the hottest girl around, though I never got that… But I do like to have them, to see how I looked back then.

For so long I tried so hard to be liked, and I didn’t get any of that. When I stopped and started liking myself, things changed.

And the way I see myself these days is so different than back then. I’ve worked crazy hard for that.

Back then what was really important to me was that I looked good and was skinny. Because obviously that was what mattered. Though in my twenties my body has gone through so much change. My weight went from around 60kg to over 80kg to less than 60kg to this and that, and that all has left it’s mark on my body and skin. The main reason for this is my depression. When I get depressed I eat, eating has always been the thing that I am able to control and my body has taken the toll of that.

From year 2011 by Samuli Ronkanen

From year 2011 by Samuli Ronkanen

Now I’m starting to really love myself and seeing my body in a new way. Though it’s a constant struggle.

I look at my body and see the changes, how the different stages of my last ten years have done, and how my age is changing my body too. I guess it’s part of this aging thing too.

I really love how strong I look these days, yes I have visible cellulite, and my abs aren’t as tight as I would like them to be, but I am strong. And I carry myself really confident most of the time now, not saying I’m sorry with my appearance as I did before. I don’t care what people say most of the time, and just wear what I want, which hasn’t always been that easy for me.

But I’m finding the me I really am. And that is powerful. I really wish I could have the same photos that I attached here taken now, to see the difference. Because I’m sure that the life experience of the past few years would show on them.

It’s really empowering when I’m able to go out the way I want and be proud of myself. And get my inner self shine. The truer I am the better I feel and the better I feel I look. I’m still searching but I feel like I’m pretty close.

I wish that I can see myself how I see myself now, for long and not loose this feeling. I don’t always have to love what I see but I do have to respect the work and give credit to myself for it. And say something positive and good about myself to myself every day. And remember to love myself and say that too.

PMA ❤

From year 2011 by Joni Helminen

From year 2012 by Joni Helminen