50 / 50 Life

I feel like I’ve been living a 50/50 life. Seeing good in things but doubting them in the end. Loving myself but still putting myself down. Giving myself a break to breath but then feeling guilty of that all.

Having too much time to be only with yourself is not always the best possible situation. At least if you’re like me, really able to go deep in your thoughts and spiral with them. My mind plays tricks on me as soon as it can when all I want and need is a break from all of that.

The last two months or actually more than that, I’ve been without a daily rhythm after my wrist operation, and I still have little over a month to go. I had big plans for this summer, but things changed when I got what I wished for long, the operation to fix my broken wrist. So there’s that 50/50 again, having something you really wanted but having to let go of plans that you had bubbling in your head for so long. My social summer changed to a boring day by day challenge of accepting my healing body.

One of the main goals for me the last year or so has been to be more social. My super introverted self has wanted to be alone and have my own space for way longer than that. There’s that 50/50 again. The annoying truth is that I’m extremely shy but able to be very social when with people, I use that skill as a shield. But I don’t know how to have a balance, I tend to go from one end to another. Doing so much at once that I’m exhausted for days afterwards, and then feeling like I’m missing out and feeling lonely. Loving the fact that I have friends these days who contact me, something I wanted for so long, but feeling overwhelmed and tired of receiving all that attention. There’s that 50/50 again.

Now that I have my own place again, one of my biggest “fears” was that it’s so easy for me to be only on my own that what if I start doing that too much again. There’s part of me that will probably always do that. To rather say No to things people invite me than Yes, even if I will regret it later on. But I would love to find the courage in me to say Yes more. To be more with people and show myself that it’s possible to be less 50/50. So I’m asking my friends if we could see. I even started a running group, though not realising before now that that’s quite social thing from me to do…

Through that group I’ve met new people, pretty much every week, having to be social even if I’m scared of that one on one contact. I’ve always been better with groups than one on one, when the person is new to me. I have to put myself in front of those people and show them how to warm up and lead the runs. And to be honest I’ve been absolutely terrified of it all, but every Wednesday I do it and feel great after wards. Maybe without realising I did myself a huge favor with starting something that in the end scares me the most.

Today when I was running I was thinking that why does it always have to be so black and white, so 50/50. Why I love my deep blue eyes and my face and how it’s certain in it’s shape, and then feel so insecure and even disgusted on those worst days of certain parts of my body. Why a year ago I was in the best shape of my life and ran and ran and was so happy, and now I’m struggling with my body image and my weight and feeling confused and uncertain of this all. Why is it so hard to keep a rhythm of doing things. When I stopped moving regularly, I stopped writing regularly, and both of those mind and body activities became very hard to keep or start again. Now, the more I run the more I feel I want to write. And naturally the better I feel.

I’m not there yet, I’m on my 50/50 road to learning how to balance this all again. Learning to love myself once more.

Slow and steady. Even when it sucks.


FUCK I Needed That Run & Other Stories

IMG_2122Yep, Fuck I needed that run and other stories about a young lady who is pursuing and pushing to be a successful career warriorqueen. To put it simply…

Today was a HUGE Note To Self, I haven’t been running basically at all in the last month, just working my ass off. Doing something I absolutely love, but all is new, I need to be like a sponge every day to be able to keep up with the pace we go forward, still loving it and trying learn more and more all the time. But I just forgot something very damn important while doing that. If I put taking care of my body and mind in the backseat, it will kick me hard soon enough.

“Don’t try so hard to fit in and certainly don’t try so hard to be different… Just try hard to be you.”


I’ve finally found something that I am really good at, workwise, so obviously when I was given the opportunity to work in a company I can put all my skills to use, I did not hesitate. But because I jumped in straight to the deep end, I just lost the yearn and need to move in a way that I used to use as a saviour and the one thing that kept me going.

Today I noticed really how much the lack of moving had done to me, I was anxious, felt negative and ready to snap. I’ve felt all of those growing in me for some time, but just decided to ignore them and push on. Well my body is smarter than me.

What my body and mind needs, is running at least three times a week, no matter what. Because basically if I don’t I just become a unpleasant dickhead with no patience, if not to other then to myself for sure, which is not really any better. My headspace is not really equipped to handle all the excitement, stoke level, new challenges without any outlet.

This all is a learning curve for me. This is the first time when I am comfortable with who I am, the real me and really love that me, that I have a job that I am really good at and getting better and really love doing, I have friends all over the place, I have A life. And I had a way to balance my life, but I managed to forget that I actually need it to be a constant in my life, not just sometimes.

I definitely learned a valuable lesson today. If I don’t run, not only my body changes but my mind is honestly about to explode. I need that release to cope with what world is throwing at me.

“Forgive yourself. Not just once. Again, and again, and again. As many times as it takes to find peace.”

Without running, I wouldn’t be able to do my job, I need those moments of creating things in my mind while my body pushes on and sweats the extra stress out. So if I want to really be good at my job, I need to run. Or do anything physical.

And I went for a run, and it was cold and pitch dark and rainy, and I loved every damn step of it. I needed that fucking run. I needed to feel all of that to remember why I started and found myself and woke up to this insanely amazing life of mine.

At least three times a week, no less, maybe more. That is the deal I have with myself now. A deal that I need to keep, because it’s about me and my own happiness and health, and those things really should be the most important ones.

Thank you body and mind for pushing me to the corner hard enough for me to understand what I need to do. Thank you!

I promise to be better and love you both more.


Feeling Myself – Body Positive Post

Yeah, that's me. Few tattoos less but all me.  Photo Joni Helminen

Yeah, that’s me. Few tattoos less but all me.
Photo Joni Helminen

Body positive. Feeling myself. All the self love. Being proud of who you are and loving it all.

That is definitely happening in my life these days. For few months my confidence about myself and especially about my body has just soared, like it has been kept secret and all of sudden I’m allowed to let it all out. I’ve never felt this good about carrying myself when I’m out and about. When I see myself these days on the mirror or a window or whatever, I look at myself and I am genuinely proud. Usually I even say to myself that I look damn fine. Something I should’ve done for so long, but better now than never.

As women, we are supposed to be crazy sexy and this and that all the time, but at the same time we aren’t supposed to be happy with who we are. We shouldn’t be happy with our bodies, because we’ve been told for most of our lives that we aren’t enough and we should be skinnier and have bigger boobs or whatever comes next. I’ve definitely gone through all the changes with myself and still always felt that I’m just not enough. But that fight is finally over. Maybe it’s my age, maybe it’s the change in myself, maybe it’s all the life experience that I have behind me. Whatever it is, it’s over.

I’m finally happy and proud of my body and who I have inside of it. Damn I love the confidence I carry now. I’m not perfect, and I love that. I feel the sexiest when I’m me. And that’s probably the biggest compliment ever in my life.

Today when I was walking in the city, here in Copenhagen, I was just blown away by the attention I got from guys. Seriously, I’m not used to stuff like that. As someone whose from Finland, where people don’t really go all out on the compliments, this is new to me. Or the other end that I got in Germany, those nasty catcalls and any sexual harassment choices you can think of, that only made me feel unsafe. So when my experiences are something like that, getting nice smiles, looks that are almost appreciative, genuine nice compliments feels pretty damn nice. They boost the confidence I had about myself. Which is the best way to take them. I don’t need them to make me feel confident and sexy, because I feel pretty hot anyways, but they sure make me feel nice.

My body has gone through so much over the years that the fact that I am happy with what I have now, is a miracle. But I’ve found who I am through it all. I don’t need to dress sexy to feel sexy. For example today, I was wearing basic white t-shirt, blue jeans and Blundstone boots, wouldn’t say first that those make you get all the boys to the yard. BUT, this is the thing, I felt damn good in them. I felt that I can conquer the world. I was wearing something that made me feel like me and confident.

And this is a great example that less is more, as in wear what makes you feel confident. Not wear less clothes, or if that makes you feel confident do that. Because we all have different ways to feel confident. But do the thing that really feels good to you.

One of the best feelings in the world is when you just feel yourself and that might come with age, but damn I’m loving it all. When you can just say that I look damn fine and mean it and be proud of it all. You might sound like you’re bragging, I don’t care. Be goddamn proud if you feel like that. IMG_8050

Once I said to myself that I am okay with little extra on my booty and thighs, and that my boobs aren’t as they were before, and that you can see the life I’ve lived on my skin, my life got so much better. Seriously, the moment I accepted who I am. Once I stopped saying that there’s something wrong with me, damn life got better. I want to look and feel real. I want to be strong in and out. I want to be proud of all the hard work I put in and what you can see on my body. I never want to see too skinny, because that’s not me. I want to have a little junk in the trunk, because that makes me feel sexy. I want to be able to sway my ass when I walk and feel feminine. And of course I want to be able to shake that junk on the dance floor.

I love that I have friends who are genuinely proud of their bodies just like they are. Damn we are hot! I get so much power from those ladies, celebrating their gorgeous bodies, in their own ways and in so different bodies. All in all, we all should be proud of what we have. We should accept that perfect is not what we should be, but be real. Real is always better than what you’re not.

My definition of sexy is very different than someone else’s but that’s the beauty of it, we are different and that’s what we should be. I might be wearing the simplest things but if I feel damn hot in them, it shows. It’s that bit of a mystery that makes it all more sexy, in my mind at least.

When you are okay with yourself, with all your imperfections and scars, world just becomes so much better. This doesn’t mean that you’ll never have ugly days or days when you feel like shit, that is normal but if the majority of time you love yourself, you’ll be on the right track.

And couple important things I’ve learned the last couple of years. First, if you’re not happy with something, change it, do not complain about it but are not willing to do anything. Second, when you change, it doesn’t mean that your closest people will see it and say something, so do not expect that boost coming from outside, it has to come from yourself first. If you’re not happy with yourself, you won’t be happy. Point blank.

Things that make me feel sexy in my body: my strong muscular legs, my soft and round booty and hips, my waist that has found it’s shape and is feminine, my small breasts, my wide and warrior like shoulders, my strong jawline and high cheekbones, my crazy blue eyes, my thick hair and my teeth gap.

Things that I’ve learned to do with my body and make me feel confident and sexy: I’ve studied my body and it’s curves and lines and learned how to use them, I’ve danced so much that I’ve learned how to use my body how I want to, I’ve done so many different physical things with my body that I know what it can do and how much it endures, the fact that I am able to do things that many will never even think about makes me feel pretty damn hot, I’ve looked at myself naked so much that I’ve seen myself in many different weights and changes, but ended up being happy with the skin I live in.

I also started doing this thing couple of years ago, and it really works. Every day, when you see yourself in the mirror, always say something nice about yourself to yourself. Preferably out loud. Say I love you. You look good girl. I’m proud of you. Whatever it would be, say it, be proud of yourself and say positive things to yourself and you’ll start seeing yourself in a more positive way. Remember what you think and say to yourself, you become and feel, and your body will believe just that. If it’s negative you will feel shitty and carry the pain in you, and your body will react in that way. If it’s positive, you will feel good and your body will thank you with ability to do what you want.

“I’ve found that growing up means being honest. About what I want. What I need. What I feel. Who I am.” – Epiphany

When I end my posts with the letters PMA, I mean them. I actually have them tattooed on my arm. The funny thing is that I got them when I was very far from being and living that, Positive Mental Attitude. Maybe it was a sign that one day I’ll learn the meaning of them. I definitely have. What it means for me is just that, trying to have a positive attitude to everything in life, take those bad and shitty days and moments with an attitude of gratitude and learn from them all. All that comes back to how I see myself and my body. I would not be able to see myself like I do these days without my whole mindset changing. It’s impossible. We are a whole thing, not one part good and others bad.

As a woman, as a big sister, I want to be an example to others and younger girls that being who we are is so powerful. I want to show that being honest and raw and real are so amazing. That mistakes and scars are the thing that makes us beautiful. That sex and being sexy is so much more than being naked and in tiny clothes. That being a bit different is so good. And smile is always the best accessory to carry with.

So all in all, attention from guys is a nice bonus, but not the definition of who I am or how hot I feel I am. That all needs to come from myself, I need to see myself in that way and then others see it too.

Let’s be proud of what we have, all that we have. Don’t ever let someone make you feel like the real you is bad! Let’s celebrate our differences. Let’s celebrate our curves, our skinny sisters, all the shapes and sizes there is. We all are equally beautiful! Who run the world, GIRLS! ❤


Body Appreciation

IMG_6769I’ve been having a hard time with accepting my evolving body.

It’s not only about the fact that all this running and trying to eat better obviously has changed how I look but realizing that I’m getting older and how that effects the skin I live in.

For some reason it’s super hard for me to see the true me when I look in the mirror. When I was at my biggest, I was around 80kg and I’ve gone from that to less than 60kg and everything in between. And that has left marks on my body and a relationship that is not the best at times.

I’ve always felt that I have quite masculine built in me, broad shoulders for a girl, hard jawline. Without any make up I look kind of androgynous… Not sure if the strength and power in that all always pleases me, though in a way it’s pretty amazing. Not that bad to look strong.

But it’s always made me feel that I don’t know how I truly want to look, and what to wear, is my ass too big for this and that. No joke, just in reality it’s been too this and that quite a few times. And if I’ve found what I want to wear, I feel like I’m the poor mans version. Why?! Why do I see the “flaws” first when looking at the photo in the beginning of this post. Why don’t I see that strong ass back of mine, which carries me everyday. How amazing it is to have a strong back?!

And my relationship with food has been really weird for, well pretty much my whole adult life. I still haven’t found a way to have a healthy relationship with food. Struggle is definitely real. I’ve always been a feeling eater, no matter how I felt, I always ate. Or didn’t eat, I’ve had those periods too. Not completely off from food but when I felt confused with all else, I think I was controlling at least that part. And the same goes with eating too much crap. Chips/crisps… my eternal battle. Whether I feel bad or good, I always go for them. Even though they are the sole reason, pretty much, that I weighted that 80kg. They make me feel like shit most of the time, but of that salty yum.

And now… I’m getting old, at least I’ve understood that. So, how my body takes this all now. All of sudden all that became real and I thought to myself, shit I can’t do whatever all the time anymore and wish for some magic trick to save me.

The truth is that I’m terrified of really looking how I know that I want to and I already did few months ago, before I totally freaked out and sabotaged the whole thing. Yay! I have that all in me, I just need to believe that I’m 100% worth it and I’m allowed to be damn proud of my hot body!

I have those moments, that I look at myself and think that I’m beautiful and hot and sexy, but lately I’ve been really lost and just don’t find that confidence in myself and try to seek it from somewhere else, without getting it and obviously seeking something like that doesn’t really help, it just messes with your head. You feel like your worth is based solely on your looks and oh my, I’m so much more than that! I just need to realize and truly see how amazing I am these days! IMG_6774

That part of myself annoys me so much, to put myself down like that and not seeing how huge of a difference is the me today and the me two years ago! I’m mad that I feel that I need that outside confirmation of my looks to believe it, and would I even believe it if someone said it… Because I’m really shitty at taking any kind of compliment. So a bit of a catch something something.

The thing is that when you change as much as I have in such a short amount of time, it would be weird to not be confused but when all these new feelings come and try to trip you over, that stuff is a lot to take.

Since I’ve started feeling better about myself, I’ve started feeling stronger, more feminine, sexier, powerful and just more like goddess. Yeah, that’s the word. I’m able to stand in front of people and be all yeah this is me! But I also still compare myself to others, because I’m not strong enough yet.

But I think we all need a confirmation of this all, we need someone to come to us and say that Damn! It’s natural. That’s what I feel that I need, though I do try to say that to myself when looking in the mirror. Because I need to be thinking like I’m the hottest, it has to come from me.

Before I wanted to blend in the back round, now I want to be standing proud and be bravely ME! I think my presence needs to match my loud laugh haha :D.

I am so proud of who I am and am becoming, so so proud! Because first time ever, it’s only me whose done it all, no one else, only me. And I should be proud!

I want to accept that this all is part of my journey and it’s natural to be all confused but I also need to remember how far I’ve come already. And the great thing is that I have no idea where I’m going, but I do know that it will be amazing!

I want to be fiercely proud of my hard work and achievements, that’s my goal! And I am hot! Goddamn!IMG_6755



I’m really whoozy and under the weather :(.

I know that I have tendency to get sick after something bigger is happening or after some stress points. And after what’s been going on, there is part of me that is not surprised at all but that doesn’t mean that I’m happy about it… I had plans with training and just going forward and somehow being sick is like going back to those old depressed days in my head. I just really have to remind myself that I’m not the same person anymore and that I just have to listen to my extremely smart body and rest and then I can keep going, but I have to listen to my body!