Let’s Jump To Unknown Part. 3492873

Yep, that’s how it feels. Me jumping to unknown, once again. Trying to find my core again, even the actual core of my body too. I lost that while loosing quite a few other things of myself the past years that made me feel me. Oh well, that’s how it goes and all I can do is try, once again.

I ended last year with a gentle challenge and a promise to myself to take care and love myself a bit more than I had. And that meant a lot since in 2018 I had basically just forgotten my health all together. And with that went my eating habits, and my ability to think clear and write. I should’ve known already that if I don’t move my body, my brain is on a halfsies shutdown mode. It just doesn’t work properly. And with all of those, so did my energy for anything. I did however in some magical way love myself more than before, and when it comes to selflove I ended 2018 on a high that I had not been for quite some time. For that I am extremely proud. And even with a weird year of a lot of great in it, and a lot of loosing myself, I managed to stay grounded on the love part. Not something I’ve been good before. I knew and know my worth and am readier all the time for the next chapter. I can easily say that I am pretty great, and I actually believe that. Though I’m still learning to let it sink in if someone else tells it to me… Can’t be perfect!

Today all of sudden I decided to go for a run, after probably closer to 6months, which feels insane. There’s few reasons I wanted to see how it would feel again. Firstly, not in any real order but still, I want to feel healthier this year especially as it’s the year I turn 35. I don’t want to feel how I have for the better part of last year. Worse and worse all the time. And let me tell you, the older you get getting back to some kind of rhythm is a bitch! Routine is like some foreign word that you’ve never heard before, and you’ve forgotten ALL that used to be normal to you… And again, oh well, all I can do is try again. Oh and the fact that I weight more than ever in my life, let’s just say that 90kg is not something I’m willing to carry on me any longer. And the fact that I managed to level up all that on me in only couple of years from being really healthy and active, is just a sad damn story to tell so I might just as well just change the lane for a smarter one. I’ve done it before, so I know in me that I can do it again. And no, this is not some New Years resolution.

One of the reasons for the run is that timing is a bitch, and with that I mean that I ended up in a situation early this year where I found myself falling in love with someone I never thought. But amazing things like that happen and sometimes timing is just not your buddy, or… is it maybe just that? I knew I am ready to let someone in again in my life, but was I actually ready for a full blown thing, I’m not sure. I know that this one shook me to my core, and sometimes you know by just few moments together, that this is it. But also, sometimes we have to wait for the right timing to come along. That’s it. That obviously doesn’t take away the fact that you miss that person like crazy, or feel like your tiny heart is about to burst, or that you have gazillion things you want to say to them. Or because the time we live in, send them all those gazillion stupid ass memes you’ve saved, just for them to laugh. Or you listen to those couple songs that remind you of that person. You go through all those moments with them over and over in your head and heart, or find yourself dreaming of them. Or you write things you would love them to know in your journal. Or listen to that one Chaka Khan tune and dance like crazy while tears run on your cheeks, half from sadness and half of happiness because you think about how fun it would be to dance together and just let loose. But I needed to run to let that pain free from my shoulders, as no matter how much I miss or love that person, right at this moment I also need to go forward with my days. I can’t stop my life even if the timing is a bitch. What brings me joy is the fact that I can live my life and still have that person in my heart. That’s kind of amazing. Or even the fact that I’ve met someone who is that one, the special one. But I still wish you were here, or me there, either or… ❤

I needed to run, to feel uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because damn I’ve gotten complacent, in a way that is pretty depressing. I’ve forgotten like I said, those things that bring me joy and healing. I’ve wanted to write more for such a long ass time, but basically had the worst kind of block in the world. It happened quite some time ago already, actually when I moved back to Finland. When I lived abroad I for some reason didn’t care at all if someone reads what I write, or more like what people would think of me. Which is definitely something I find myself fearing now that I live back here, work now and before in a position where people “know” me in a way that I feel at times weird. I don’t mind people from the other side of the world knowing me and my “secrets” but for some reason it feels too much when they are this close. And on top of that… well, I had my reasons to leave Finland in the first place and I still have some “issues” towards this place. The thing is that I’ve never, in my whole life, felt like I belong here. Which can sound weird, as I’ve lived most of my life here. But I wasn’t born here, and the way the country works and the mentality of us here and just the general vibe, yeah let’s use that word there, it’s something that tests me more than any other place. I get smaller here, in a way that makes me question myself in situations I don’t like, for example is it okay to wear what I want to wear or do people look at me funny. I’m not as brave here as I am when I’m somewhere else, or that’s how it feels at times. I guess I have to face those issues and then I’m free here, which means I can go wherever I need to. Because the truth is that I do know I’m moving somewhere else from here at some point, once again.

So the actual run, how did it feel. Taking the fact that I used to run ultra marathon distances, and that’s only little over 3 years ago. Three years ago! How the hell the time works is magic that you could be in the peak of your physical health only 3 years ago, while being mentally so broken you didn’t even understand it at the time. Oh how the tables have turned, now I’m basically on the other opposites. Peak of my mental health in many ways, and on the bottom when it comes to my physical health. Oh well, once a damn again… Let’s play my favorite game of finding the balance for the millionth time 😀 ! But back to that run, it felt surprisingly good. Not easy by any means, but one of those that make you think of your first run in your running journey and makes you hope for more again. THAT is definitely a thing I haven’t thought in few years. I loved running, it saved me from my drowning depression and then I ended up loosing all my interest in it, took a massive break and now, I’m ready to slowly find my way back to it. No goals, no races, none of that, just enjoying the movement of my body and the scenery. And nothing feels better, or actually many things, BUT nothing feels better than when you feel your body getting stronger and the steps getting lighter. That is something I want back. The effortless feeling of running. Not thinking anything and thinking everything at the same time.

Let’s see how this all goes in the end. I’m trying, not promising. I’m giving myself a chance for something new. I’m not who I was 4 years ago, and that’s a good thing, but I want to see who I am now. 2019 is a year of bravery, jumping to unknown again. Yep that’s what I’ll do.

PMA ❤

Letting Go 2015 Like An Old Lover. Welcoming 2016 Like The Me I Am Now

img_2816“I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story – I will. I will speak and share and fuck and love and I will never apologize to the frightened millions who resent that they never had it in them to do it. I stand here and I am amazing, for you. Not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I AM MYSELF.” ❤

Until 2015, I feel like I’ve only lived for others. I started my journey to Me in 2015, but fell for my old habits and forgot how and who I am. This is almost like my manifesto to myself, in the most honest way possible.

2015 has been all about finding and learning who I am and what I want, who I truly am under all that fear of myself. It has been about heartbreak, love, pain, confusion, finding myself, conquering my fears, going after my goals for the first time ever, freedom, learning to love the skin I’m in and saying goodbye to people and habits I’ve outgrown or who are bad for me and my life.

I also made myself do a list of who I am. I am strong, passionate, talented, caring, special, loving, artistic, capable, beautiful, creative, loyal, trustworthy, sexy, warrior, deserving, enough, open, honest, brave, sucker for love, supporting. I know I am more than those but giving who I am and how hard making a list like that is, I am very proud of myself for getting those down. 

For the past week I’ve gone through the whole year over with myself, really pushed myself to deal certain things, to let go of others and forgive the ones that feel that hardest. I knew that I needed to do that, to be alone even though all of sudden it felt so scary, the one thing I usually enjoy too much. I knew that my broken self can still be whole in front of certain people, my brokenness doesn’t mean that I’m not okay, it means I’m strong enough to admit certain things to myself and give myself the push I need to deal and let go of them. Without the heartbreaks of 2015, I would not have woken up to the Me I really am. In 2015 I learned who I am as a woman, learned what that means, entails, empowers me and others, what I deserve and can say No to!

There’s moments when I realize things about myself and I need to write them down, this was one of them: You’re not any readier than they are to love again, so don’t push them and most of all, do not push yourself.

I know that these aren’t the things that we should be open and honest about, because at times it feels that we need to be all about slaying all and be good with ourselves, but letting go of a love that you had for someone, whether they hurt you or not, is HARD, whether you know the decision to be right. In short that shit hurts, because there’s people who take a bit more of your heart than you ever expected to happen. And even though I know that it’s the right thing to be alone now, my whole being rebels against that, not all the time but there are moments.

I’m one of those who fall hard, I love hard, I believe in the good of others hard with the notion that I might get hurt hard. I tend to open my heart in a way that it’s super easy to rip it open if you don’t respect the openness of it. I don’t second guess my gut feeling about how I feel about someone and how I see the good in them, even if they don’t see it themselves.

The love I wish to give and have is who I am, open and honest. I am tired of hiding or filtering my love and feelings in general. I’ve done that for most of my life. I want to be able to show my love and not have to think about if it’s okay. I wish to have that kind of love in return as well. A love that looks like that person who is proud to have my kind of love without wanting to push it down or me being someone else I am. No more filtering love.

I think I’ve finally stopped apologizing how and who I am. That was one big thing I learned in 2015. This is who I am, whether you like me or not, this is Me. In 2016 I want to truly be brave and let myself be Me, all of Me. To get to know that Me that I am, but have been hiding from myself.

” Be a better You, for You.”

– Sonya Teclai

There’s certain things that make you, force you to realize that you won’t be here forever. You look at your body and how it has changed, you know that it doesn’t work the same way it did couple of years ago. You look at your skin and how there’s lines that weren’t there maybe a week ago, but in the same time they make you look so much more beautiful. They show the life you’ve lived, the pain you’ve cried through, the smiles you’ve smiled with cheeks in pain. Growing up and older can be scary, but I’ve decided to at least try to embrace the journey of it all.

You feel the pressure of doing things you want to do before it’s too late, but at the same time you don’t want to rush through life, you want to really enjoy the moments.

You want to be true and honest with and to yourself, while being so confused with that all in the midst of feeling exactly certain who that is.

You want to take risks to be sure that you live but at the same time want to be in control of what happens when you take those risks. How to trust the jump when you have no certainty in what will come after you jump.

“I tell you what freedom is. No fear!”

– Nina Simone

How to balance those things you have raging in you. How to be happy with being alone when people around you are so far from that exact thing. How to be those two you’s that you are, how to live as one with them both. How to be that outdoorsy, less is more person and that ambitious, brave career woman who wants to be great at what she does. But isn’t it a balance that the other needs from the other? That is something I will tackle now. Learn how to make those equally good in me that I am in peace. Right now it feels a bit like I have to choose, but then it would mean that I need to choose one from two passions of mine and I’m not ready or willing to do anything like that. I don’t feel that I need to.

I remember how I said almost a year ago how I feel that my life just started for the first time, now more than ever I feel that, really feel it hard. I feel how fast time moves on but I want to forget rushing through it all. I want to forget the lure of being in a hurry. I can be and will be the best Me I can when I respect the both sides of me. I need to be, for myself, patient in what I’ve wished for my life to be earlier, when I realize that it’s exactly that now. Like I wrote before, watch what you wish for…

I don’t want to do any resolutions for 2016. I want to be able to listen to myself on a daily basis and really take the moments I have without hurry. I want to keep being honest about how I feel, especially if someone feels special to me, we don’t have enough time to not say those things, even if we don’t get anything back. I want to be patient and gentler to myself, more mercy. Past is past for a reason. Now is now for even bigger reason. Live in the now, not past or future, now. That’s my Note To Self.

MORE LOVE. MORE RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS. MORE SPONTANOUS ADVENTURES. MORE HONESTY AND BEING OPEN. MORE RESPECT TO ONE ANOTHER. MORE BRAVE ME AND MORE PMA ❤

 

 

 

Let’s Be Honest… About Love

IMG_1016-0I’ve written quite a few times about love, but probably never this honest. About how it really makes me feel and how it has changed over the years and how I feel about it now. So, let’s be honest… About love.

“Accept that you deserve more than painful love. Life is moving. The healthiest thing for your heart is to move with it.”

I’ve always been really brave when it comes to love, and now I’m finding myself being terrified of it. I feel like my trust and wings have been burned so badly in my last two relationships. I’ve grown, learned and loved more than ever before in those two. But also, really been hurt more than before. Felt like I’ve been stabbed with something that I didn’t want to believe really exists. The thing that sometimes people aren’t too nice to you, whether you’ve been good to them, it doesn’t always matter.

This subject isn’t an easy thing to write about, at least when it comes to really being honest. Love is one of those things that makes the world go round. I’ve learned finally, after hating myself for so long, to love myself. I have more love than ever before in my life. I have friends that I truly love and who love me. I’ve learned to love without expecting anything back, which is how you should love. I’ve always been a huge believer in love, that it will conquer all else, without even always understanding why I do believe so. Maybe because of that, I’ve gotten hurt so bad. Because I want to believe that people aren’t bad and that they don’t mean to hurt you. But even though how much I love, I can’t fix someone else if they aren’t ready to fix themselves. I can only love. But sometimes it’s love to walk away. To let go and take care of yourself first. That’s one of the biggest lessons I’ve finally learned and really understood.

“She’s known sadness, and it has made her kind.”

-Nathan Filer, The Shock of the Fall

I needed to get hurt and treated really badly to get mad enough to understand that I deserve so much better than I thought before. Being too nice, and believing the best always can be sometimes bad thing too. People love to use that kindness for their own good. I’ve been there for people who have just used me. Which I really shouldn’t have been tolerating, it was wrong on so many levels, but I wanted to believe in the good. But when the other person sucks the positivity and happiness out of you, you need to let go.

I remember when I felt really strongly that without having someone in my life, I’m not whole. Now I am enough alone, which I absolutely love. But I think I would love to share my life with someone. But for the first time in my life I don’t feel like I need that, I have a great life without that too. But I also am afraid, for the first time, that will I ever find or be found by someone.

I didn’t have a crisis when I turned 30, but I feel that I am having one now, or at least having thoughts about this all. I’m not worried about what to do with my life, or my work life, or any of that. I know that those will figure themselves out. I trust in that. I wasn’t ready to give myself a chance to really show what I can do before, I am now and I am getting those opportunities. But I am having these moments when I think that will I be a Mom one day before it’s too late, or if it’s even possible. I am turning 32 next March, I know that I am not old but I do feel this weird pressure at times when I am surrounded by my age peers who have those things, family and relationships. And still, I don’t feel like I need to really do anything “extra” about it. There’s a hope in me that wants to believe that it will work out too.

Then again, I don’t think I have been ready before to really be loved, ever. I’m still learning the whole thing of how to love myself. Getting pretty good at it, even if I say it myself. Maybe this is one of those things that takes time to be ready. Maybe I am getting ready for that all now.

“Love is patient, and that is the hardest part of love.”

-T.B. LaBerge, Unwritten Letters to You

One thing that makes me think that, and this whole thing in a completely different way, is that right now I have a crush. I have one of those things where you kind of like someone, but have no idea what to do with that whole thing. I’ve lost my bravery when it comes to that. I would love to be brave enough to say it to that person, but I am so afraid. The fact that I have been hurt and my trust have been used in the wrong way, it’s hard to take that step and open my heart,  for that possible rejection. Which in a way would be a relief, because then I could “release” this feeling. I actually really hate that there’s couple of people who were able to shake that hard work built trust in me. I’ve had so much trust issues since my childhood and I’ve worked really hard to understand other peoples behaviour doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with me.

With all that’s happened, I’ve found myself being afraid of the things I love the most. I do know, inside of myself, that I do deserve all the love just like anyone else. But I also do tend to think in those dark moments that what if that’s not meant for me. And then I get a bit bored of that old me and shake that off. Why wouldn’t I deserve it all?! Why would I be some kind of exception?

It’s weird to be in a situation with yourself that you really are happy with your life as it is, without needing to have someone in it. To have that change from need to choice. To being in a situation where you can honestly say, I wouldn’t need someone in my life, but I would love to share my life with someone. I’ve never been in this place with myself before. It’s really confusing and amazing at the same time.

“We all have two lives. The second one starts when we realise we only have one.”

-Tom Hiddleston

It’s also funny how I used to, when I was a lot younger, confused sex with love. How I used that physical attraction to believe that someone likes me, or even loves me. I think that’s part of the journey to you as you. You need to, or I needed to find my way through all that. How easy it is to hurt yourself in that search too. I remember how I finally, long time ago, decided that I want to stop that and really find what makes me happy and how I see myself. And how different it is to be in that situation when you are healed and good with yourself. To enjoy those moments of grown up pleasure with someone without needing it to be something else. To feel confident and sexy and strong, sensual grown woman. Being confident and happy with your skin, finally!

One really funny thing to notice is that I suck big time at flirting when I actually am interested in someone, possibly liking them. I can easily flirt and tease when there’s not any real “thread” of the situation going anywhere, but now when there’s someone on the other end that I really would love to get to know more, I get shy like never before and don’t have a clue of what to say. Maybe trying too hard, and then deciding to not say anything at all. I don’t get easily too silent, I’ve always been quite loud and talkative, and now… nothing. I wish and miss sometimes that brave me that was able to just say that “hey, I like you, and I think I am interested in you”. Where’s that me now? Am I protecting myself because of my past or what?

Also, when you come to this age, over 30, there comes this new aspect of being and meeting new people. We all have different kind of baggage than before, when we were younger. There might be kids, marriages or other “bigger” situations that we heal and move on from. That means that we all might have a bit more “protection” around us and not so much of that yeah let’s jump to this. I have to be honest, I am definitely afraid of getting hurt again. But then there’s this tiny voice in me that reminds me that if I don’t jump I never know.

One thing that I really almost hate at times these days, is the way social media is making things wayyyy harder to understand. I suck big time in understanding what the other one means when I text or chat with someone. I’m old school and I would way rather talk on the phone or meeting face to face. We throw emojis around like nothing and then when you think someone is being all cute to you, they write those same emojis to someone else and you are confused as fuck. All those winky emojis and no idea what they mean. Maybe it’s my old school self, that introverted and shy one that would love to think that some things are only for someone special, which almost sounds ridiculous now that I am writing it down here. What I’m saying here is that it’s not easy to be and want to be as open hearted as I would love to be in this world of ours these days.

“Continue to share your heart with people even if it has been broken.”

– Amy Poehler

The thing is, I think I’ve finally understood what loving someone means, or is about. I love myself in a way I never thought possible, I love my friends and others with a fiery heart, which I am very proud to own. It would be very easy to me to go back to that old miserable one who didn’t think that I would ever find someone and deserve anything good, it would. But then again, I just am nothing like that one these days. It’s okay to be terrified of love, damn it should be terrifying when you open yourself and jump to unknown with no idea what will happen on the other end. It would also be very easy to get all bitter and hate on guys, but then again, I’ve always been the other one in every situation I’ve been. So I can’t really hate on only the other one and not take any responsibility of the situation and what has happened and how I’ve reacted. In every situation with two people, there’s two people dealing it too. If I can be honest with myself with how I dealt it all and how I am dealing it, I’m good. I can forgive and let go, whatever there is to forgive and let go of.

I guess what I’m realising while writing this is that it’s okay to be afraid of love and what happens in my future, but it’s not good enough reason to stop loving and trying and being brave. What do I really have to lose?

“In the end, I want my heart to be covered stretch marks.”

-Andrea Gibson

PMA ❤