Overwhelmed By The New. Depression. Introversion. Finding Balance.

To be honest, it’s one of those Fuck This Shit days… One where all feels are testing you for the fun of it. You wake up after first proper nights sleep but the numbness of your old damn friend depression is sinking it’s teeth to your decent morning.

Finding balance in life is one of the hardest things I know. I have a true love/hate relationship to it, as it’s a constant test of my resilience. Especially now that this year seems to be all about something new, about that moment when you are on the edge and can only jump to the unknown. Or back away and forget all that you have worked so damn hard for.

My depression has a way of finding it’s way back when I’m exhausted by a lot of good. Which doesn’t really make any sense, why would it come when things are good? Well… when I’m exhausted and overwhelmed enough, I’m not on my strongest, so it’s a great moment to find a crack in me and slither back in to make me doubt all that I am, and making me feel only numb. That fucking numbness that I hate the most.

Even though I know and realise my introversion and the need of personal space and time, it’s not always possible to have enough of that. And when I don’t have enough sleep, peace and time to reload my batteries, I tend to feel the way I do now. I haven’t had this kind of time in life in either super long or more accurately, never before. Which makes this all a learning curve, once more. But the reality is that I only want to yell and scream out loud as I feel like I know what is happening and what to do to ease it all, but so much has happened in such a short amount of time that it’s making me feel all confused and like I’m looking at all of this from outside.

This week has been already one of those that makes you think that could I please skip this one, please.

I miss my friend who passed away in December so much. I think I’m starting to realise to whole thing now, and the loss is sinking in finally. The reality of it just turns my stomach and makes me feel so sad. I know that I’m not alone but I do feel so damn alone right now. And someone saying that they are here for me isn’t helping, even though I appreciate it, this is one of those moments that I need to just feel all of this to be able to move on.

I think the news I got this Monday, or the combination of it all right now, triggered the sadness and depression of not having my friend here anymore. I had a meeting with my wrist surgeon about what’s going on with my wrist, as it’s been causing trouble lately. It wasn’t good or nice and something in it just made me fall a bit, to forget the good and feel exhausted and numb.

I will need a new operation to see what’s going on and then with high possibility another one once we know what’s going on. I know that I can’t do anything about that, and my surgeon was equally bummed as the actual bone that was fixed in the original operation is okay, but something has started causing havoc in my wrist and needs more and more fixing, to the extend that usually the operation it might need is done to old people as it will change the use on that hand so much. So, fuck.

The thing is. When there’s too much, good or bad or a mix of them, it’s too much. Now is that moment for me. It’s not going to make me give up or defeat me, but it’s making me stop and think things again, once again. It’s making me find my balance and remember the things that bring me peace to cope with all of this.

I am a complex mix of challenges, good and bad. I am introverted as hell but love to be with people, but need loads of space and peace to be able to be like that. I live with depression, it’s my forever companion whether I want it or not. I have my ways to deal with it, but there are times when it gets the best of me. That’s okay. I’m also highly sensitive, which makes me feel everything around me stronger than others. That’s okay too. I would not have myself any other way, but this mix of me can be exhausting at times.

So now I’m being honest and saying that I’m not okay but that’s okay too. These times are part of life and I have no intention of hiding them, because they make it all real.

Honesty is the thing that I remind myself, makes me strong. So fuck this shit and let’s keep moving!

PMA ❤

Blips of Loneliness

wp-1480357086390.pngI noticed it last Friday, for the first time in a very long time, I felt lonely. In that way that swallows your whole being under it like a heavy blanket. In a way that doesn’t even really need saving but just to be there, let the feeling be “out” and move on. But it was still there, and it made me really think why it even came for a visit.

I’ve been so content with my lone life for over a year that this feeling felt just weird, like a unknown dark veil. Me being able to be on my own and liking the way I am capable of being alone a lot has always been a blessing and a curse for me. It let’s me charge my batteries, it let’s me think my thoughts which I really like to do, I love to be in my own head and just do some mind work. I’ve always been good at being on my own and figuring out what to do on my own, I don’t mind seeing no one in few days or more. I don’t need other people to make me feel whole. But there’s also the downside that I tend to be so good at this that I kind of over do it every now and then. And then I get this feeling that “will I end up being alone for the rest of my life, because no one even knows that I exist, as I really like to be on my own”.  And as the truth is that no one will come to your door and ask you out or “to play”.

The older we get the less we have these accidental places and moments in our lives for meeting new people or old friends, as we have been granted with the opportunity of making our lives the way we want them to be. Some like to be surrounded with friends or other people all the time, I tend to like my solitude to an extend where I feel lonely at times.

The more you learn to know yourself, the more you find ways that make you happy with your life. The more I’ve learn about who I am, that I am an introvert, that I happen to be an highly sensitive person, I’ve learned to accept the ways those help me understand myself and the surrounding world and how I need to listen to my body and mind closer than I did before when I didn’t know what those amazing and sometimes hard traits are that make me the me I am.

I’m no stranger to feeling lonely, I’ve felt that a lot in my life, but for the past year, I’ve been more or less really happy with who I am, being single and living my life with all that it’s thrown at me. And this year has not been easy, by any measurements. It’s taken more out of me than I knew could happen, but I’ve learned to know myself even more once again. For such a long time, I felt that I will just feel lonely and that it’s, but that was before I understood, really understood that before you love and accept yourself, you will never be content with yourself and your life.

But this past weekend, the loneliness really kicked in. I don’t know if it’s the time of the year, every possible ad and commercial is about being together and loving and all that squishy lovely stuff and finding that perfect present for “that” person. Is it that the age I am now that majority of the people around you, tend to have significant others and families, that people like me are the minority not majority. I haven’t even thought about that I would want to have someone in my life for quite some time, and that didn’t really come to me now either. And noticing and being honest about that makes me sure that I still need some “me time” before I can even really think about sharing my life with someone else. All though if I’m truly, utterly honest I do miss being close to someone at times, or that butterfly feeling in your belly or that cheek hurting smiling, BUT still it’s not enough for me to actually do anything about the whole thing. That’s how much I’m happy with my life right now.

And I also have to admit that me being pretty much always the one who has made the first move, and all my experiences in my past has made me extremely careful about even considering anything. I’ve noticed that I actually want the other one to make that first move, and make me feel special and wanted.

But the pure heaviness of the feeling last Friday was pretty overwhelming. It was so “right now”. I noticed myself just walking in the city with my headphones on and looking at people as they were rushing around after work, going to their company Christmas parties, buying frantically Christmas presents, or holding hands and smiling to each other. I don’t know why and how it was such a strong emotion all of sudden.

What I’ve started to do to challenge myself these days is to sign up for things that I haven’t tried ever before and with that having new experiences, meeting new people that I wouldn’t other wise, placing myself outside my comfort zone. I have plans like these for 2017, to really just do things that I’ve wanted for some time but just haven’t done anything to them.

But with all this, I also felt strongly that it’s good to feel lonely at times, if you would never feel that you would never think about if you wanted to change something or if it was just a moment or what. Loneliness isn’t the worst kind of feeling when it’s “controlled”, when you’re able to acknowledge it and sit in peace with it. It is an issue that you need to address when it’s eating you whole and you feel like there’s nothing you can do about it. But I really wish that you understand and remember that you’re not alone and there’s always someone ready to listen and be there with you.

As the year is coming to an end, a lot of thoughts and feelings raise their heads and make us think of what we’ve done this past year, if we’re happy with our lives and what we would like to change if there is something. The darkness outside is really pushing us down but we just need to breath few more times and push back and move on. It’s not hopeless, and you’re not really alone.

PMA ❤

Simple(r) : My Wardrobe Challenge

wp-1478617952584.pngI’ve wanted to challenge myself for quite some time with being more and more sustainable, think as much as I can about my choices. I’ve done a lot of changes in my life towards simpler and more minimalist life the past years, and now that I have my own home again, I can be the only one doing the choices that I feel to be right for me and with that to the environment and the people who produce what I buy.

During the past summer I started reading a lot more and with great books comes great knowledge and you start questioning your choices, which I think is necessary if we want to grow. What I noticed in many of those books or articles was that they brought up this question in me that what is the most important thing for me, my possessions or experiences. Because what I’ve noticed these past few years is that the less I have the happier I am, and now that I have my own space “to fill”, it would be really easy to just do that. But that’s the last thing I want to do. I feel uncomfortable as soon as I have more, and just want to get either rid of them or find them a new home, and the thing is that I don’t own that much, very little actually. But still, I don’t want to fill my home or my head with stuff that is not necessary if I don’t have to.

I understand that we live in a world where spending money and consumerism is the thing, to show with your new hype things that you are something. It’s almost better and new and faster and this and that, that’s how I feel. A lot of the time we forget what we have, because we have so much. If you don’t even remember what you own, how necessary those things are for your wellbeing?

This challenge is not only making my closets cleaner, what they already are, but to make me feel more conscious about my choices when I do buy something, in this case clothes. I do challenge myself in this same way in everything in my life, from food to home products to how I go from one place to another.

What I want to do is to only have the clothes and shoes I actually wear in my closet, not the inbetweens or maybe when I’m skinnier or what ever it is you save something for. And when I do buy something new, I want to think and do some research about where it comes from, does the brand care about the fabric and how it’s made and about the people who make it, is it made sustainable/ ecological/ ethical and still be something I want to wear without me having to change my style. So I’m banning all fast fashion brands and stores from myself, yes it might mean that I need to wear the same clothes I have now for longer and have less variety, but I rather save my money to buy something that is well made, possibly close to me and that I can use my money with clear conscience. And I also want to take this one in, one out habit in my life, so if I find something that can replace what I have and what is better, I might buy that and put the old one away. But only if there’s really a reason for it, not just for the want aspect of buying.

I did some digging today in my closets and went through all I have. I put all that didn’t fit me now and that I had saved for that “later” day, in a pile to go through and see where they could go, if I could sell some and the rest give to charity. I only saved what I actually wear, or have worn in the last 6 months. That’s also something I’ve done for a long time now, if I haven’t used or worn something in the past 6 months, then I put it forward because I doubt that I’ll wear it later either.

I counted the clothes I wear now, and I had less than 20 items, that includes pants, tops, dresses and skirts. All in all it looks that I have around 50 items of clothes. And that’s max. I also have 5 pairs of sneakers, 1 pair of “work” boots and a pair of “fancier” low leather shoes. And that feels more than enough, the only things that I’ve wanted to buy for some time and feel that I need are a pair of good jeans because I don’t have any at the moment, but I know which ones I would get when I can, so no problem there. Kings of Indigo, I’m lusting after you! 🙂 And couple button up shirts, other than those, I feel that I have all that I need. Of course if there would all of sudden be a party that I would need to really dress up I would need to get something, but as I don’t have those in my life all the time and often, I think I’m okay.

So basically the challenge is very simple, whatever I buy from now on, will have to be sustainable/ ethical and ecologically made. That’s it.

I’ve found some amazing brands already that would fill the void for my love of the style that I could easily find from And Other Stories or COS, but I’m on the hunt for more similar ones as my style is very easy, classic and minimalist.

Brands that I love now are Kings of Indigo, I could pretty much buy anything from them. Patagonia, always as they really work hard to make that difference in how to produce clothes and equipment. Bysigne from Denmark has some really nice pieces, Armed Angels from Germany does really nice stuff too, Klättermusen from Sweden, Halla x Halla from Finland, Studio August from Estonia has the most amazing and beautiful pieces, again a brand that I could pretty much buy everything from, Mori Collective from Finland has great pieces too. And I have to say that I like what adidas is doing research wise and to try to make a difference as a massive company.  So there are few that I’ve found already but of course I’m on the hunt all the time now.

I’m feeling really optimistic about this personal challenge, as it’s like a continuity to what I’ve been doing for some time now. Less stuff means clearer head to me and for me the idea of being a minimalist or how ever you want to call this, mixed with being concerned about the worlds future, is more about the journey to knowing who you are, not so much about frantically putting stuff away. If something gives serious substance to your life, then collect it, like for me books give me life so I tend to buy them, but I’ve also started to give them forward too, as we rarely read them more than once.

From now on, I will do little posts about the clothes I have bought and tell you why I chose that one. And if you have any great tips for me on what brands I should check out, please leave a comment and I’ll check them out! 🙂

Here’s couple sites that might be interesting if this is something you feel that you would want to do to, and a great podcast about what minimalism really is about.

The Minimalists 

Becoming Minimalist

Rich Roll podcast : Joshua Fields Millburn

Also, I highly recommend that everyone watches Before the Flood documentary!

 

Embracing The ME I Am Right Now

wp-1477852857055.pngIt’s taken me some time to come to terms with who I am right now, and how much I love the Me right now. It’s weird feeling, I’ve never felt this good with all of me and my life in general before. I’ve always yearned and hoped and wished for this kind of feeling and now I have exactly that in my life, made by me. I really feel that I’m giving myself a chance to really embrace who I am right now, no apologies or anything. Me.

Before I wrote a lot here, I journaled all that I was going through, I felt that it was the best way to get it all out. And for a long time it was, it was who I was and could stand behind with no hesitation. But lately, more so this year, I’ve felt that I want to take a step back with it all, with all that’s been in my life. I needed to quiet down my life, in all areas, to find who I am and be okay with all of it.

I’ve been about the less is more life for couple of years now, in a way searching what it means to me. And I’m on that path still but found out what it really is right now. I’ve read a lot, which means that I’ve learned a lot, and that has helped me with how I feel about certain issues and what I personally want to do to them in my life.

One thing that was massively important to me when I moved to my own place, was to be able to fully be the one who decides what products to use around the apartment. I remember the day I got the keys and went to buy some cleaning products and how happy it made me to be able to choose the ones I wanted, the ones that are cleaner and at least a bit better for the nature. Sometimes it’s that simple of a thing that can spark your being slowly back to it’s “who am I?” gear to the right direction.

I’ve also really started to think more about the food I am eating and what it does to me, but also a lot of what it does the environment. I’ve noticed that when I live alone, I tend to go back to my vegan ways. I’ve been pretty much vegetarian for a long time, but sensing how I want to go back to those ways that truly felt the best for me and my body. And that are truly the best for the world too. A thing that is important to me, as I feel that why should any animal suffer in any way for my satisfaction when it’s not really even doing that. I feel better and I’m not harming any one while choosing this, a win – win situation.

Back when I originally started my journey to better health, especially mental health and finding ways to feel better as a whole, it was a selfish want that sparked it all. It was because I felt and was overweight and didn’t like how I looked and how that made me feel. That was the root reason for my want to change. As the time has gone by, I’ve gone from one end to another and back again and to this. But what has changed that I know more, and it’s getting harder and harder to just push the knowledge to the side and keep going like it doesn’t exist. They say that ignorance is a bliss, and in a way it is, but at what cost. I’ve been asking myself that a lot this summer. It’s really easy to be selfish and only think of your own happiness.

I think my less is more mentality has grown to take over all areas of my life, and it feels really good. I find that when I calm my life down to a level where I am strong enough to really say what I want and don’t want, to make those hard decisions without doubt in me, then I get closer and closer to my true self. I’ve started to question my decisions in a whole new way and found answers that I didn’t think I would have the courage to say even to myself. If I’ve always been honest, I’ve really been honest to myself now.

I can say that it’s one of the best feelings in the world when you are completely happy with your life and You. Like I said, I’ve wanted this moment or feeling in my life my whole life, but I’ve also been afraid of who that me really is and how it all could really feel.

This is all a funny tangle of things, but it basically all comes down to me enjoying life in the simplest of ways. I absolutely love being on my own and just read or watch interesting documentaries or movies or some ridiculous reality show. I love that I don’t feel anymore that there’s something wrong with me needing that much time alone, because I’ve felt for so many years that there was something wrong with me. That me being really sensitive is a fault in me, when it’s actually a strength.

For me right now living and enjoying my life in the simplest of ways means that I choose to buy foods that are organic and good for me and the environment, to challenge myself in finding ways and products in all areas of my life to be cleaner, to get rid of all that I truly don’t need and keeping my home simple and uncluttered.

I want to challenge myself in ways that I haven’t before and take myself further in the search of Me.

Right now for example, I am challenging myself to find clothing brands that are sustainable and ethical, while maintaining the style I’ve come to feel Me. I’m not going to buy any fast fashion anymore, the only things I’m still “allowed” to buy outside of this challenge are underwear and certain sports items, if I really can’t find alternatives to them. The thing is that I’ve bought so little clothes this year that where I’m starting is situation that I actually need new clothes, but I rather keep wearing the ones I have now than buy something that doesn’t feel right. And I’ve noticed that the less you cave in the less you feel the need. I’m happy that my general style is very simplistic and classic in a way and that I rarely feel like I want to jump to different hype styles. But the main thing in this challenge is that I want to show myself that having this style is possible in ethical and sustainable way too.

I strongly feel that it’s good to consider the whole picture of our actions and not just what feels the best for you. I’ve found myself thinking a lot that if it’s important to me that I use clean skin and hair care products, and eat clean food, then why don’t I only buy clothes with the same mindset or all else we need in our lives. I don’t think that it can’t be a whole “deal” and that you need to be without something because of this mindset. I think it’s just more about finding ways to make it work. And right now, I want to challenge myself with it and show that I can do it.

What this all really boils down to is Me feeling better and better with less is more as a whole life mindset. Being 100% okay with who I am and not being uncomfortable to face my fears or insecurities. Loving the life I am living right now and not thinking jealously that why is someone else having this or that and why am I here just being bitter of their success.

I’ve found ways to find more peace in my life, from meditating every morning, to eating cleaner, being extra gentle to myself in this once again new chapter of my life, being active in a calm way, learning more by reading and really tackling that as it is a thing I absolutely love.

I’m happy that I don’t have to be the same person I was couple of years ago, that would be sad and also impossible. I am happy that I’ve gone through a lot of heartbreak and struggles, because that’s why I am the Me I am right now. What I can do now, is to live my life the way I really want to, not saying I’m sorry in every turn, setting boundaries with what feels right and what wrong and standing with them strong. I know that not all of my decisions will make some people in my life happy, but I have to put myself first and think of my own wellbeing as my number one goal. Because when I feel good with myself, I am able to be more to others and to this world.

You’ll be seeing this new challenging chapter here too, hope you’ll enjoy it as much as I do.

PMA ❤

Asking For Help

img_4606Asking for help. Or admitting that I needed to ask for help. Or saying that I’m not feeling okay or that I’m not okay. Whether your journey with depression is old or new, the moment you have that realization that you need help is never easy.

I’ve talked and written a lot about my mental health journey, and still very much stand behind the fact that I think, that it’s a illness that you never fully “recover”, it’s something you learn to live with and find ways to deal. But when those ways don’t work and there’s too much stress over shadowing your life, it can be that depression is able to take the front seat without you even really noticing, before it’s “too” late.

Even with my open approach to my depression journey, the moment doesn’t get any easier for me. I still feel like I’m shit at everything and my self worth is just non existing. The loser feeling that my depression is able to put me under is so tiring that I just want to cave under it. It’s so hard to see anything positive, while at the same time you’re able to smile at certain things like before. As being depressed or living with depression doesn’t mean always or all the time that you are just lying in bed not doing anything about anything and wishing for your own death. That can happen, but there’s mostly days when you live your normal life and in those days you have moments when the pure weight of life is making your knees buckle. And those are the ones when your depression is able to weasel it’s way back to being the “main” feeling.

I’ve been struggling with my life and how much it’s full of change and uncertainty lately, not being able to just embrace it all. There’s been just too much. Way too much. And for example, I’ve really amazing things to wait to happen, trips to do, and I have nothing in me to truly feel exited. I know that I will be so happy while on them but at the moment, emotions of excitements are missing. It’s hard to push on when you are really struggling.

I managed to say to three people today that I need help. Two of them are my closest friends and I managed to say that I am not okay. One of them is my best friend, who knows me to the bones and back, who is able to listen and knowing really those feelings and bringing ways to see this all a bit lighter. The fact that I was able to say that I need help is huge to me, I remember times when that was just not even an option.

But the thing is, honestly, that admitting to yourself that you’re not okay is hard as fuck. You know in you that you are not shit like your depression makes you feel. You know that you are doing the best you can, and that feeling like you are a no good loser who never does anything good and doesn’t even know anything, is also coming from your depression. But those all are such a strong ghost to push out of your way that they have a tendency to suck you in, even for a bit. Depression is a bit of a motherfucker like that. It will find your weak moments to suck the last energy out of you.

Life is hard, and there comes moments when you just have had enough of those little things, which have piled to one huge one and you are ready to explode. I was so close to that yesterday and today I felt that it might really happen when I just start yelling out of nowhere because I’m so tired of so many things and couple small nonsense comments were almost able to push me over that edge. Edge that I have never crossed before in my life. But I’m so tired of feeling like my opinions don’t matter, and making myself smaller in front of certain people, tired of feeling like I’m not good enough. I think I’ve reached my limit and at the same time know and value my own self value. Finally.

I’m grateful that I’ve worked so hard with myself to find ways to live with my depression. I’m so damn grateful that I am so brave that I am able to say, with a lot of shitty feelings, that I am not okay and that I need help. I am so so grateful for my closest friends, for being there, understanding, listening, bringing some peace into this stormy mind and life of mine. I love you, thank you.

PMA ❤