For years, too many years I’ve lived with my past on my shoulders, unable to let it go. Feeling like I’m supposed to carry it with me and feel a little shitty all the time, no matter what happened in my life. Feeling grateful for whatever and anyone who’ve helped in someway even if it’s been to their benefit and not mine truly, because I’ve done mistakes and made choices that affect my daily life still. But the thing is that the more I’ve worked on myself and with myself, the more I know myself and my boundaries. Which is obviously the goal for someone like me, to have boundaries and not let people walk all over me anymore. I’ve walked over myself quite a few times too, just to stop something that might have been good for me but I’ve just been too scared to see my full potential.
But I got tired of that, and looked at my life and where I am, and decided that no more. I am worthy of all the good just like anyone else. I don’t need to live in the past because that’s not going to take me anywhere. I don’t need to feel guilty of something that has happened years ago, if I know that I’m doing my best and right thing right know, then I’m on the right path. If I’m not doing anything to hurt others and being honest to them and myself, I’m going to the right direction. If I’m true to my boundaries, I’m going to be okay.
The truth is that I’m not been sharing my life like I’ve before, but that happens when life changes. Sometimes our experiences make us clamp up and we have no interest in sharing our hardships, because we need time to go through them ourselves. I’ve also taken on a role in my worklife that makes me think what I share in a completely different way. I need time to find that balance in it all. I’m finding my bearings in life while it’s been changing with a speed I didn’t know possible.
What I’ve found in myself is this strength and peace, I never knew was there. I’ve been able to take moments of turmoil in such a way of grace that I can only be immensely proud of myself. Those moments when I’ve wanted to go all out in the past, are now something I’m able to take on calmly, put to perspective with the big picture and move on. Taking things as they come, not worry about what could happen before I know the reality of that exact thing at the exact time I need to react to it.
It’s super easy to freak out, often. Blame others for things going on in your life. Be angry and use energy to things and people who don’t deserve it. But if we give that precious energy to issues and people that don’t deserve it, it’s out of our own time and reserves for those moments and issues that need it more. That’s what I’ve noticed I’ve gotten better without really trying and I’m extremely proud of myself for that. Because it makes my life a lot easier and peaceful, and myself stronger in the midst of it all.
We aren’t able to control our life in a way that nothing would ever happen or surprise us, it’s impossible. And even though I don’t, for a minute, enjoy some of the things I’ve gone through lately, I wouldn’t change the experiences. I’ve been able to work through very challenging situations, been able to stay in the moment and not get carried away like before. This all is a result of all the hard work I’ve done the past years.
But we all have the control to choose how we react to challenges and changes in our lives. That we have, fully. We are completely entitled to choose how people treat us, we decide where the boundaries lay. This is our life, not anyone elses. And if we stay true to ourselves, it shines through and makes our lives easier and calmer. It also shows others where we stand and what is okay to us and what not. When we respect ourselves, others see that and know how to respect us too. When we do good things to ourselves and others, others do them to us. It’s that simple.
I could’ve been worried about writing again, which I have been at times, but I decided that I’ll just try and see what comes from my mind and fingers. There’s been a lot of issues I’ve felt that I wanted to write about lately but it just hasn’t been the right moment, so I haven’t been writing, without feeling guilty about that. I’ve learned to cut some slack to myself, as the levels of stress have been so high the past six months that my body is reaping it all now. I haven’t been able to run due to an injure, while being a running coach, something that is at times really frustrating. But I have really good support around me, and I’ve learned to detour that possible frustration to being able to be in the moment and learn something new, rather than fall in the darkness. When I’ve gotten really heartbreaking news that at the moment I’m not able to do anything about, I’ve learned to think about what I’m grateful of and known that I need and should live my life no matter what. Laughter on those moments doesn’t mean that we forget what’s going on, but that we are able to appreciate what we have and know that the situation is out of our hands at that moment. When we are able to do something about it, then we have more energy and resources to do just that.
One of my biggest challenges has been to learn how to set boundaries, it’s not easy but I’m really proud of who I am now and how well I’ve done just that. Once you figure that all out, it really eases up your stress levels. Once you realise that you aren’t who you were in the past, but the You you are now, you’re able to live your life fully.
Find ways that work for you, but remember that setbacks don’t mean that you’re going backwards. They are part of this all, what we call life.
Maybe I’ll tell you more of what’s been going on at some point, but now I’ll just tell what I have now. Maybe I’ll write more often if that feels right, or maybe I’ll have a few months of a break but that’s okay too. This is me, now. The happiest I’ve ever been in my life, even with all the challenges.