Changes

received_10155252971233458.jpegWhen was the last time you looked yourself in the mirror and realized that you are exactly who you’ve wanted to be. You feel free, free’r than you’ve felt in ages. You feel you, comfortable in your own skin, in your style, in your mind, all.

When was the last time you felt You, the you you know you are inside of you, under all those layers that life has put on you?

Or what has to happen for you to crack those layers off from your back and be free and truly you? When will you stop compromising to suit the You that others have “designed” for you?

I lost my closest and dearest person a month ago, exactly a month ago. My Grandpa passed away, he was ready to leave, left in a way he had wanted. The last time we spoke our phonecall ended in “I love you, I love you too!”. Just like our phonecalls before that on weekly basis. For the past month I’ve tried to understand all these feelings his passing started in me. How I had to loose someone so damn dear to me to shook myself out of this state of numbness that I had been for quite some time.

If there’s one whose always been truthfully and with no hesitation them, it’s been my Grandpa. He was fearless, not in reality as we all have things we fear, but he wasn’t afraid of life. He wasn’t afraid of death, we spoke about it a lot this past year. Honestly, jokingly, deeply. It made me forget my fear of loosing him. I was able to accept it all, not understand but accept.

This piece is not about him, as he’s something I don’t feel the need to share more than I have. This is about changing and letting yourself be You. The You I’ve been hiding and fearing. This is about change. Change that you know is the best kind of right, the kind that you know in the deepest of your stomach that you need and have to do. I haven’t listened to my gut in a long ass time, and I’ve suffered from that dumbness!

We all know that changing our lives is hard, changing the ways we are and live is hard. Leaving people and situations behind is hard. Making decisions that will change the course of your journey is hard. I’ve done all of those quite a few times in my life, but not in any way like this year and probably the future ones too.

The funny thing is that sometimes the change can start from the smallest and most superficial thing. With me, it had been brewing in me for such a long time, me fighting against it with all I had. Being afraid of who I am and who I want to be, loosing days to fear. And if there’s one thing we never get back it’s time, don’t try to fool yourself. When we are younger we, I think, understand the concept of time, or the way it slips from our fingers way better than when we grow up and the world hardens our skin. We don’t fear what others might think of us or if something we wear is okay or not. At least I was like my Grandpa when I was small, I was that lone wolf like I am still with no worry in the world. I didn’t care if no one liked my new rubberboots that looked like frogs with eyes and all. I thought they were great and that was enough for me. I spent most of my time alone and I was completely happy. The feeling of loneliness came a lot later, when the surroundings, the people around me made notes that it would be great if I would have more friends. I had one and I was happy with that, too.

So why does all that happen? Why we forget that fearlessness and are all of sudden afraid of every damn thing?

I’ve found answers this past month I’ve been mostly alone, dealing with my grief but also with those things that have been pressing my peace for too long. My level of understanding them had reached all the levels there could be, I had nothing left but to know exactly what I need to do. I had to start making changes.

I had known few things, intuitively made the decisions already, for quite some time but the letting go part was the hardest to me. I felt like I’m loosing myself, when the reality was that I was afraid of the reality that would come when I let go and open that door that I should’ve knocked on long time ago. I still have no idea what’s behind it, but now I’m in peace with my fear that I actually don’t have anymore, but only the childlike curiosity to see. Today I admitted all of them out loud and made a plan while realizing them. I’ve missed that feeling so fucking much, that shows how deeply I’d lost myself.

My superficial thing, the product that kick started or more like pushed the ball to the right direction a direction I had build the past months, was a pair of Red Wings Moc Toes. A pair of work boots that I had been dreaming of for almost 6 years. And yes, I understand that you might think that what the fuck, but yes that’s my truth. My partners in my life crime to happiness. That’s the thing, sometimes you need a nudge in your style to be able to be your true self. A thing, a product, an object, that feels like home, like you’re complete.

Yeah, keep laughing if you want to but we all have something that makes us feel like that, don’t even try to fool yourselves like you’re better than me…

The Me I am and in the same way the You you are, is a complete puzzle of multiple pieces. From childhood to all those heartbreaks, to your style, your hair and smile. To the music you listen to, to books you read or movies you watch, even those “guilty pleasure” reality shows. But the hardest part is to be the You you really are without caring what the world around you think and just be. A lot of us say that we don’t care but we all know that that’s bullshit. We might be able to master the art of not giving a fuck by practicing for years, and let me tell you I’m reaping the benefits, I truly am. Though that also means that you need to admit all those not so nice parts of yourself to yourself. That’s the hardest part… Believe me, I’ve been there.

My change is powered by the crave for the happiness and free flying feeling I had, not even so long ago. My change is necessary for my tomorrow to be better than the numbness I’ve felt for most of this year. My change is Me. My life is mine.

MY LIFE IS MINE just like the amazing Tracee Ellis Ross said.

Stay tuned…

PMA ❤

Advertisements

Changes On Changes On Changes

wp-1486580137657.jpgHello diary, it’s me again, after all these changes on changes on changes…

I haven’t been sure what to write about what’s been going on in my life the past months, where my boundaries are. After last years silence on this front, I really wanted to search and see what feels right and what not to share. When I started my journey I was brutally honest about everything, now I know that there are people who know me who read this and majority don’t but they maybe feel that through this they do. But I wanted to be brutally honest to myself in what I want people to know. And it will change, like I have and will. I like that fluidity in life.

My year started with very mixed feelings, as I was mourning a dear friend who I’d lost in an accident and also celebrating a great new opportunity, becoming a coach at adidas runners Helsinki. Two things that somehow combined and intertwined. My friend was the only one who new about this opportunity before her passing. So when I got the good news, I was almost mad that she wasn’t here so I could jump for joy with her, but I knew that she is and was with me in that moment. And like I felt the proud kick in me, I knew that she would be kicking me with a proud smile on her face.

I’ve come to realize, finally, that life is all about timing. You’re not able to have the good things in your life before you’re ready to take them on. No matter how much you’ve wanted them before, all that wanting ain’t going to make them happen. You might meet the one who feels like Home, like no one before, knowing that the timing isn’t right. You might want to be in a different situation in your life, but if you aren’t willing and ready to admit what you’re ready for and what not, nothing will happen. You have to be ready. Otherwise it doesn’t work out.

You have to be willing to understand and be comfortable that you can’t always control what happens.

You might get the news that your just operated wrist might need a new operation, the thing you last wish for, but need to turn the negatives into positives. You already know how you can deal the whole thing in the deep ends.

You might lose a friend in an accident, or you might have to end a friendship because no matter how much you want to have it all in your life, it’s not good for you anymore and have to admit it. Losing someone you love hurts, there’s no way to explain it all. Whether it’s by choice or not. It hurts, a lot. But you have to let all those feelings come and then let them go. You have to put yourself first. That’s the only way to find yourself and truly be happy with YOUR life.

You might have to take an almost year long break from the things that once brought you back to life, to remember why they saved you in the first place. You can’t force happiness or passion. You have to give yourself a break to unlearn everything to learn something new again. It might be learning how to tie fly’s for fly fishing, but if that makes you happy then you need to listen to that voice that whispers in your ear “this is the best ever!”.

You have to be willing to look so close it hurts to understand that you have people who want to have you in their lives, to be able to let them close. Keeping love only in the distance ain’t doing us any favors. If you feel lonely, admit it and do something about it. Moping about it ain’t helping you either, and those walls will feel like they are falling on you faster than you thought.

You have to be willing to learn how to be uncomfortable with yourself. It’s that simple. Once you’re okay with that, the good things start to fill your days. It might be that moment you wake up and you realize that you smile again. Appreciate that tiny moment and be grateful for it at the end of your day. Put yourself out there in yourself and it will shine the hell out of you. Smile to people even if they look at you like there’s something wrong with you. For shit and giggles if not else.

I am extremely grateful for these days I have now, I am for all those that felt like shit too. I’ve worked damn hard to be where I am right now and I giving myself creds for it all. Because I’ve stayed on my own lane, I am here. With amazing new opportunities and passions. And tying those fly fishing fly’s is the thing for me, it makes my insides purr of happiness. Soon I will stand in the middle of a river with my insides purring from the thrill of it all. That’s me.

This is a life long deal with learning and making mistakes. One after another, and again and again. That’s how you find you. By being open, honest, raw, gentle, loving, grateful, passionate, angry and full of life. Your ability to admit your weaknesses is the thing that makes you strong!

PMA ❤

Changes, Changes…

wp-1468266718517.jpgChanges, changes… This summer has been basically only about that for me. So much in such a short amount of time, like always it seems. Makes me smile because every time I write those words I remember that it’s been almost like a theme of my whole life. While I feel that I’m stuck, so much tends to happen without me realizing, though this time it has been so obvious that it’s been very hard to miss.

So my wrist and hip are recovering well from the operation and in couple of days I know what the situation is under the skin, as I have an x-ray and appointment with my surgeon, fingers crossed for good news and cast free life!

But the biggest change that happened just a little while ago is that I HAVE A HOME!! Just when I was almost given up on my faith of actually finding a home and being in a situation where I’ve wanted to be such a looooong time, it happened, it is a reality now. I am typing this post in my home, my place where I can breathe and be me, fully. I feel like I still haven’t truly understood this all, I’ve lived here now for a week and even though this instantly felt like I’m in the right place, it’s like a dream of sorts. But slow and steady I’m getting there. In a way it’s not a surprise that it’s taking some time, as it’s been over 5 years, almost 6 that I’ve dreamed of an own home, a place that has my name on the door. And now I do! 🙂wp-image-1332324395jpg.jpg

It has felt so damn good to just be, without doing anything, or just reading a book or watch a movie or cook in an really nice kitchen. I love this home of mine in the countryside!

Last Wednesday it was the first month anniversary of Karma Runners, a run crew I started here in Helsinki. And it’s been so amazing to see how people have taken it and came back for the runs and just I feel so grateful to have the support I have from my friends and especially Pihasali Joogastudio and Hello Darling Eatery, as they are our crews supporting companys. Thank you ❤ Also, go give us a follow on Instagram @karmarunners to keep posted and come for a run!!

It’s been long damn time since I wrote the last time, but honestly I’ve had to take that time for myself. Sometimes little break is exactly what you need. I promise to be more active from now on, as I’ve actually missed writing and want to keep this thing alive.

I feel like I don’t even have all the words to explain all of this, but in a month has happened so much that I feel all confused, in the best possible way.

One step at a time, on wards.

BREATHE. BE BRAVE. LOVE. PMA. ❤

So many changes needed a change of looks too! Here's my beautiful hairdresser Annika Tukiainen at her salon Beauty By Valo

So many changes needed a change of looks too! Here’s my beautiful hairdresser Annika Tukiainen at her salon Beauty By Valo

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

“I am not the first person you loved. You are not the first person I looked at with a mouthful of forevers. We have both known loss like the sharp edges of a knife. We have both lived with lips more scar tissue than skin. Our love came unannounced in the middle of the night. Our love came when we’d given up on asking love to come. I think that has to be the part of it’s miracle.

This is how we heal. I will kiss you like forgiveness. You will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms will bandage and we will press promises between us like flowers in a book. I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat on your skin. I will write novels to the scar of your nose. I will write a dictionary of all the words I have used trying to describe the way it feels to finally, finally found you. 

And I will not be afraid of your scars.

I know sometimes it’s still hard to let me see you in all your cracked perfection, but please know: 

whether it’s the days you burn more brilliant than the sun or the the nights you collapse into my lap your body broken into a thousands of questions, you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I will love you when you are a still day. I will love you when you are a hurricane.”

– Clementine von Radics, Mouthful of Forevers

A thought that crossed my mind more than once this week. It’s been a rough one and my being and mind were not where they normally are. I got caught up with all the noise around me. All those two cents.

Like I wrote on my last post, this summer has been the best, for me just because I’ve experienced so much more and done things that I wanted to do, simple things, but just haven’t before. But this also meant that for the past month, I’ve been with people almost all the time, pretty much all the time. And slowly but surely, I felt a bit off, I wasn’t the calm, rational me that I have been working towards for quite long and been enjoying.

As I once again forgot that I’m an introvert and that I need certain things, as alone time, to function, I also lost myself a bit. There are times in my life that I totally just jump into that enjoyment of others and completely forgot what I need to be able to enjoy it all. I need alone time, at times a lot of it. But now after this past month, I am all of sudden afraid of being alone. Which feels really weird. Me not wanting to be alone and rather spend time with people?! Who am I?

I’m also very sensitive person, but I’ve found ways to take on what comes while recognizing my own self, which happens to be great. I don’t need to change but I do have to be gentle to myself. This is the thing, too much other peoples company drain me and I tend to realize it way too late…

So now that I’ve had some difficulties, or more like challenges, in my life this week, I felt totally overwhelmed and like I can’t get out of that bad and sad feeling. I was just sad and cried and didn’t know what to do, other than dwell on it. That’s not who I am, that is who I was. I have worked my way out of that.

“We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” – Brené Brown

I’ve needed this week to do that and slowly understood what really is going on and what I should do about it. I need to get back to my old calming, balancing ways that I used to do daily basis to keep myself okay. These are some things that work for me:

  • I do oil pulling every morning when I wake up, with coconut oil for 20 minutes and then brush my teeth. It gives me time to start my day but it also has insane health benefits and I feel better when I do it.
  • I try to meditate, something that is really hard for me, but then again, it’s supposed to be. So I will try again.
  • Running, I’ve taken a good months pause from running which was great, but I forgot how much it calms me and clears my mind. So I’m back at it.
  • I need to be alone enough, to restore my energy and get that clear space in my head. It’s very necessary for me. Haven’t done it enough the last month and I can really feel it.
  • I say thanks every night for the day when I go to sleep, it’s my way of ending the day and calming myself ready for sleep.
  • I need to write more again, it’s my way of therapy and it actually makes me feel really good. It’s a challenge but that’s why it’s good for me.
  • This is a funny one, maybe, but I love to collect quotes and hand write them to my notebook. It just makes me feel good, that’s it. 🙂
  • I want to forgive, more forgiveness because it doesn’t only release you from hate and anger but it gives you so much peace and you don’t let the fact control you anymore.
  • I want to say at least once a day to myself that I love myself. ❤
  • And I want to let myself be that weird happy bubble that I have been and what I truly am.

So I’m going to get back to these, and I know that quite fast I will get myself back on track. Which will help me with the challenges and goals I have now in my life. The fact is that if I can’t find another job with my current one, I can’t say yes to this amazing safe haven of an apartment. And if I don’t work towards that goal that means so much to me, I won’t be able to stay in Copenhagen, which would make me really sad, because going back to Finland is not an option.

I feel like part of the anger and sadness that I was dwelling in this week was because I knew that even if I felt like giving up and that nothing makes any sense, I also knew that I can’t just give up because I don’t do that anymore. So obviously that annoyed the shit out of me, me trying to behave like I have before in a time in my life when it just doesn’t work anymore. To be fair, to myself, I am better than that.

It’s normal to get caught up in life, loose yourself at times, but I had to remember that I am not that lost that I can’t get back. I had to go low to remember how great things really are. That’s normal and at times needed. But I can’t let it drown me and make me loose my course.

PMA ❤

image1

When Stoke Level Is Just Below Zero

IMG_7995And here it is, the exhaustion of it all, of all the new and the try and just tiredness.

I’ve been in this place before, this is not the first time I have this feeling and this bullshit exhaustion in me. It comes every time I’ve moved to somewhere new, hell it comes sometimes even without the move.

I’ve been pushing on like no other, really liking the push, being able to forget that I might get tired of it too. Somehow you always forget how much this all takes out of you. All the new, all the new places, the people, all the questions of this and that about why you moved. And there comes a time when you would love to say “can I live?”. Nothing mean or negative, because it’s really nice that people care and are interested, but being on this side it can get a bit much.

Moving countries is never a walk in the park, or if you’re able to do it like that, you are definitely a super human and I don’t know how you do it. But I’m not a super human, I am me and I get these days when I just have nothing in me, I don’t mean that I want to give up but my stoke level is definitely below zero.

You feel alone as fuck, pardon my french in this post, and that feeling is the worst. Especially when I know that I’m not, but that gut wrenching of feeling alone. I hate that! Fuck I hate that!

You feel like what am I even doing? Why do I have to be the one who fucking follows her heart and jumps to unknown and just believes in all that? Why don’t my heart just be happy with settling and doing what I’m supposed to? But it doesn’t work like that. And I don’t even want to. Even though this is crazy hard at times, I really honestly don’t even want anything else.

You feel like you’re on top of the world and then you fall so hard and then you need to cry it all out and then you feel even more tired and in the middle of that all, you know that it will be okay. The happiness hasn’t left, it’s just taking a break to let the fear of all the new come to the surface. And oh hell, I am so afraid. I am afraid of failing, which I really don’t want to. This is the moment in my life when I don’t want to fail. I know that I can’t give up, and I’m not going to. But I am genuinely terrified! IMG_7773

I’m so stoked for others and there for them, that I tend to forget how much I have going on in my life at times. That happened again, slow learning process I guess… And it feels like you’ve gone through so much and so much time has passed, and you realize that it’s all happened in the last two weeks. So feeling overwhelmed is an understatement.

And there I was this morning with all this inside of me, in a way knowing what is going on and why I feel this tired but not really giving it the chance that it needed. And started my long run with a group of people. And I just felt like shit, nothing to do with my body, my mind was so tired that I almost wanted to puke. I’m so thankful that a friend, whose moved around and is not from here was running with me. The fact that I was able to say how I felt to someone who actually understood how I felt, so needed. But sometimes you need to get it all out, and in my case out of my eyeballs.

On top of this, I’ve always this thing in me, my whole life, that I know when something is happening to someone else. I know it before they say anything, or even realize it themselves. Some see things, I just get this feeling and I know. It can be so exhausting at times. And today it really was. There are days when you just would rather not know anything.

But that’s not life, life doesn’t care if you’ve had a rough day or week or feel tired. It goes on like it has before, and it should. And I never wanted to have a life with no ups and downs. So I am getting exactly what I ordered. Oh the irony!

You will get disappointed by the people you care and trust the most. And even on times when you really wish it would not happen. Friends that have been there for you, are so rapped up in their own that they don’t see or hear when you really need them. And this is the thing with loving unconditionally, you should never expect getting what you give, that’s not love, that’s business. IMG_7922

But it would be nice to have that text that says, how are you, without any reason.

I have this one person in my life, one that I care about a bit more than others. And the fact that having really rough time in their life and not maybe being able to ask that question, they still did. And how grateful I am to have that one in my life. The fact that they just listened, and let all those hopeless tears just pour out of me and still give me that much needed love and reminding me of what I have, and making me feel like I truly am not alone. It makes me tear up now when I think how important that was and is. I hope they understand how important they are to me for that and all the other they bring in my life. All I can say thank you <3.

I have to remind myself, once again, that being nice to myself is equally important as doing that to others. Actually even more. But it’s also okay to feel like this. It’s okay to feel like shit and be afraid and terrified. And it’s important to have patience with those things that are the most important. Give yourself and others time to really realize what’s going on, as it can all get a bit forgotten under the pure pace of things. And ask for help and say when you need a friend.

I might feel all to the max and even a bit over, love like there’s no tomorrow, forgive things that others think that I should never do, but at least I am staying true to myself and being me. That’s the biggest thing for me. I have no interest anymore in regretting what I do or say, because I know I open my mouth only when something worthy comes out. No more fighting against things that make no sense. How ever hard being me is at times, I still do not want to change anything about it. I am still very much blessed to be the me I am today.

So. After all of the shitty feeling, I am thankful for all that happened today and the past days. Hard and exhausting, I would not change a moment of it. These are the moments when I see the change in me and the ones that teach me so much more. And make me realize how goddamn strong I really am. And it happens again, while I type this all, I smile again without no special reason, the happiness is just rising it’s head and the love is pouring in me and out of me. I’m back and actually I was never away, this is me.

PMA ❤IMG_8010