Out of nowhere today, I had this gut wrenching fear of time just slipping away from me and my dreams for my future, and for now too. Simply put, will there be enough time for my dreams to be able to come true or even have a chance with this pandemic that has gotten us all in it’s grip.
As a single woman, close to 37 years under my belt with dreams of children and a loving relationship, on top of being able to move to another country, will my time be enough with it slipping away from us at the same time.
This pandemic has brought mostly positive things in my life, which always feels a bit wrong to say, but personally it has been a blessing and a answer to my previously exhausted prayers. But the reality is that we’ve lived through the first year already with close to no real end in sight, and that is starting to bring up tiny moments of despair.
Last year I spent a month being sick with the virus, and in that month in ways finding myself again, for me that break of all was exactly what I had needed and gave me the opportunity to remind myself of my actual dreams and in the end of who I am and want to be. And so began the “work” to move towards just that.
With being laid off from my job I had another opportunity to stop and listen to myself, it also feels almost wrong to say that for me that was the best outcome at that time. To loose your job in this current state of the world is not something to wish for, but I was so burned out and not in a place I should’ve been anymore. I had been unhappy and stuck for too long already.
But now, with time passing daily without no control from my desires of it slowing down even a bit, I have had moments of oh dear, what if I won’t have enough time after all of this is done, or will it ever be completely done.
The stronger I am mentally and slowly again physically too, the clearer my hopes and dreams and goals for the future are too. All that meditation and writing daily has done it’s magic, not to mention the benefit and guidance of therapy. Every day I admit more and more to myself, things that I used to push aside from fear and belief that they are not for me.
I’ve been thinking will this pandemic change our approach towards love, relationships and connection with others. There’s a huge part in me that really wishes it would. It has already shown how the slowing down of pace of life has done many of us good in ways we didn’t know we could even wish for. It has shown sides in people that have been hidden when the pace has been faster, and with that made connection with others either closer or ending all.
Clearing our circles is not the worst that can happen, clearing our minds and in the end bodies too. Was this the “detox” many of us has been trying to find somehow? We’ve tried so many things, but when we had to slow down it started working finally. Showed us our fears, worries and ugly sides like never before. But most of all, the sides that keep us together and close, like never before too.
It’s less than two months til I turn 37 and today the fear caught up with me.
When I was close to 18, I was diagnosed with epilepsy and I still remember how my first question to the doctor was that can I have children. From all the questions I could’ve asked, that came out of my mouth without me probably even realising it’s weight.
As a woman, I am carrying a weight of certain “have to’s” since the day I am born. And with time we find which of them are the ones we feel good for us, while learning usually the hard way how to carve our own way if we feel that stepping outside of the path is the thing for us even a little bit.
So for years I had this certainty in me that I will want to have children, and when the day came that I realised that I don’t HAVE to I remember how this massive weight lifted from my uterus and I felt free. I didn’t have to any of that, even though people around me were doing what they we’re “supposed” to. I played with the idea of having kids with two of my ex boyfriends but I knew deep down in me that that would be the worst for both of us. Yes, I would’ve loved the child if it would’ve come to that, but still my body and mind knew better.
And then I got sick with covid and had an opportunity to basically think for a month. When all you can do is to lay in your bed, and you are a deep thinker, you will do just that. I remember how I missed my late Grandpa, how I noticed that I thought about his last year, and all the time I spent with him, all the talks about life and love and death we had. I remembered how my childhood was overflowing with love thanks to so many people, no matter how there was uncertainty and trauma too. In the end I realised that my biggest fear would be to be completely alone in the end. No matter how much we annoyed each other, on purpose at times, with Grandpa he was not alone in his last days. Even with Grandma passing before him. He reminded me of me, we were always super close and shared a connection that was special. He understood me and that gave me comfort and the knowledge that I’m worthy of it all. I just forgot the last part in my adult years. Thankfully me and my worth are very much finding our way back together now.
But with all that time to think, I had to admit to myself that I do want to, if I’m lucky enough, have kids with someone I really love. Both things that I’ve pushed aside for all too long.
It took me over 5 years to heal from my last relationship and then there were few months of terror towards the idea of love.
Admitting we want something good in our lives can be the hardest thing ever, at least it was for me.
But how has and will this pandemic change the way we move forward with love in mind?
Are we able to open ourselves easier and maybe faster to someone than before, because we’ve realised the value of time?
Will we trust love and connection more after this experience, we all have to go through?
Is facetime and messages enough to build a strong bond between two, or is the lack of possibility for physicality the blessing we’ve needed to actually build a connection?
Are we able to push fear and “rules” aside when creativity is the key with the possibility of new love?
Will we be brave enough to just be us, infront of someone who our heart feels something we don’t understand yet?
I understand the frustration and tiredness of this all, especially with younger people than me with over ten years more time to experience life with. But people like me, getting closer to 40 with no control over time, we or very much at least me, feel deep fear too. Weird calm fear. Our wishes and hopes for the future tend to be quite a bit different at this stage of our lives.
As a woman, I’ve definitely noticed that while it’s been so joyous to see new baby bumbs popping up all over the place, and what better time to do that than now. It has also reminded me of what I wish to have. Not only the child part, but even more the fact that at this moment I am alone, with no possible connection with a man that I would get to know in a way that could end up with time with me having that baby in my belly.
I am more than aware of the time that is passing and my bodys ability to be a vessel for a little one. There’s so many things in life I don’t fear at all, I love getting older in so many ways that it’s hard to count, but when it comes to love and the possibility of family, some kind of clock has started ticking. At the same time I find myself being an realist and knowing that nothing is given, that a child will always be a blessing and I don’t take that possibility for granted. But I’ve started noticing this gut wrenching terror with it too, what if I don’t have enough time?
Its the what if of it all.
As someone who is not super outgoing even when times were more suited for it, and as one who always yearns for deeper connection that would come from the old ways of talking, really talking and getting to know before all the physicality, I find myself feeling a bit confused by how we should build new connections now.
Not to mention the silly little fact that I’ve known for years that where I live now will not be my forever place. So moving countries is still due to happen, on top of everything else.
I’m wondering what old rules apply when this is all gone, or are we just making new ones as the time passes us with no respect or interest in our hopes for it to slow down even a bit. Should we just take that risk even easier now than before?
There are moments when the fear of not having enough time is real. And I would assume I’m not alone.
I’ve never had more trust and hope for the future to end up good, but this fear that I can’t control is there too.