How Does It Feel When…

IMG_0752-0Yep, how does it feel when you just wait to move again, wait to get going. It sucks!

It’s only few days since I made the decision to move back to Finland, but now that I’ve made it I just want to go and not wait any longer. I kind of hate this “in between” time because it makes you go through and think about so many things about the whole decision. Maybe a good thing, but I’m more about okay I know what I want to do so can we just do it NOW!

There was a reason why I wanted to have little time before I fly back, main reason was that I actually have some amazing friends in Copenhagen that I wanted to see and spend time with before I go. This might sound really rude or sad, whether you take it, but I haven’t had that before this year. I had it in Finland, but those people are my old friends that I’ve gone through a lot of life before so I knew that they’ll be there, a great thing to have in your heart. This time it’s different, these people are new and so dear to me. We’ve built our friendships fast but know that we’ll have that friendship there after we live in different countries. This probably happened because I was finally ready to let people in my life and share my life with them. I haven’t been too good in that before. Copenhagen did some good to me.

Now I’m just ready to go.

After seeing some of those friends earlier this week, and realizing that okay in just a week I’ll be back home, I started going through thoughts about if I’ve done the right decision. It always happens. You feel so damn loved and happy and slowly the notion of you really going creeps in and you just think, shit.

I will miss my people, the fact I can’t just text them and see them in couple of days. But this time I know that they’ll be there, wherever I am. And the flight from Helsinki to Copenhagen isn’t that long.

But then after being on my own for a bit, going through my stuff that should fit in that one bag again, I feel more and more ready for this move. I think about the fact that I can just spend some proper sister time with my little sis, something I’ve missed here like crazy at times. I can run on the trails that I’ve missed so much here. I can go to the supermarket, this is funny, and get all the greens I’ve missed. From all the places I’ve lived, Finland still has the best green sections at supermarkets! Being able to go to sauna when I want, best. Seeing my family. Seeing my friends in Helsinki, so good. So many other things obviously. One of them is to be able to talk in Finnish, I don’t miss it too often but once I’m used to using my own language again, I absolutely love it. Though I still use English as my number one, it’s just easier for me.

I’m just ready to go.

I have less than a week to go, but I just want to go now. I really wished that I would’ve woken up today at my parents home, nowhere else. I was almost a bit bummed when I realized that I still have few days. I kind of hate this in between feeling.

I’m not sure always if I’ll ever find the place I’m supposed to stay. Or is it even a place that makes me feel at home? I think I know that my friends are in my heart, wherever I live, so that’s not a problem. I also do know that I really wish to have that feeling of feeling content somewhere, to an extend that I can settle down. I think once I’ve left the first time, I’ll have that nomad in me that yearns to know more and see other places. I also do know that I wish that I could spend my Sundays next to someone special. Sundays are somehow special to me, they are supposed to be spend with that person. Sundays are for cuddling, long walks, good food, reading all the books, talking, maybe watching some american football. Just simple pleasures in life.

The anticipation of all of this new again, makes me want to jump out of my skin. I absolutely hate this waiting time, I just want to get going. I hate this feeling of needing to get my stuff together, in that one bag, and hope that they will fit in the kilos at the airport.

In the same time, I love this because it makes me think what is really important to me. It makes me prioritize my belongings and again, realize that no actual matter makes me happier than the people I have in my life. So even if I would lose all that fits in that one bag, I would be happy.

But, in the end, I am just ready to go. This time I have so much to look forward to, it’s different than ever before. It’s the time when I know that I’ve done absolutely the right decision for myself and that makes me feel impatient and ready at the same time.

So few more days and Finland here I come! I know that the last days here will be filled with so much love that it will carry me over a lot! ❤

PMA ❤

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OOOPS! I’m Moving Back To Finland!

IMG_0373Yeah, ooops! Actual winter and Finland is calling my name and I have to listen to it.

I’ve always listened to my gut feeling, always. If I have, my life has gone to a better direction, if I haven’t well… I always know that I should have. This past Monday I just knew what I need to do, no questions, I just knew.

I’ve gone through enough to be able to admit that it’s my time to leave or change something, this was one of those times. After losing my job and still be very much without a permanent place to live, and fall rolling fast on us, I had to do some hard math of my life and think what is the best thing to do now.

Always before, everytime, if I’ve even had to think about going back to Finland, I’ve felt like I’m a failure. Never before since I moved away from there the first time, have a I felt that it’s for the best and actually felt excited about it. Obviously I’ve changed, life changes you if you let it and listen. So I think that my whole attitude about going back is different. More open to what will come and how I can use that time, how long it may be to the best I can.

One of the biggest reasons for me to do this, is that I am so utterly tired of struggling all the time and really, really want to get my life in a little more balanced place. Not physically, just to be clear. That part is pretty much okay :). But I am turning 32 next March and I have no interest in being in the situation I have been now for too many years any longer if it’s possible for me to change it all. So the adult realist in me knows that this is the best thing to do, I’m not failing at anything, I’m doing the smart decision for myself.

“Good instincts tell you what to do long before your head has figured it out.”

– Michael Burke

It was almost funny who the first people I told or talked about this whole feeling of moving, all of them were my closest friends who happen to live very far from me. That showed me, good that it did, that my friends are in my heart and no matter how far, they are in my life where ever I live. Because I remember last year when I felt that I had to move back to Finland that I am losing out on my friendships by being so “far” from them… What I learned during my time in Finland is that I have super close and great friends there, that I have missed a lot here in Copenhagen, and what I’ve learned here in Copenhagen is that my friendships are truly all over the world and the ones that matter are there no matter what. That’s the great thing about social media and emails and text messages and whatever we have these days.

I was also thinking that maybe I was meant to go back to Finland, for the reason that I still have some unresolved issues about that place. I’ve been so negative about it and haven’t really given myself a chance to figure out why. The truth is that I have been running away from myself since I left Finland the first time. I’ve definitely found myself a lot during these years, but I think there’s a little piece missing and I have a feeling that that is my attitude towards Finland. I need to solve that puzzle and then I am free to really go wherever my heart desires. And actually feel ready and free at that place, no idea what it will be. I have a feeling that my nomad side is not ready to settle down completely yet. There’s too many places that I need to see and experience, already thinking of the next place I need to visit… IMG_0593

That’s actually one of my favorite things in life these days, the people I have in it from so many different places and really around the world. They open up the world to me in a whole new way and make it so much more interesting. It doesn’t really give you a chance to be content with something you’ve known always, it makes this whole experience so much richer! And definitely once you start selfishly “deleting” the ones that aren’t good for you and keeping the ones that make you feel good and surround yourself with positive vibes close, damn this all makes it worth and more! You just need to be brave, ask for help, and really be open to whatever, life is pretty damn amazing when you let yourself do that!

So next week when I’m flying back to Finland, I am ready for whatever is coming my way, will work harder than ever before for my own happiness, letting people make my life richer, reminding myself that this is not even the breaktime, this is the beginning of all the best things that are coming up!

Now it’s a time for me to enjoy my last week in Copenhagen, spend time with the ones I love, have an actual farewell party for myself, because I am so damn lucky to have so amazing ones in my life that they want to spend a little time with me like that before I leave ❤ ! Life will always work out if you let it, that’s what I’ve learned!

“I’m so proud of you
Everything’s adding up, you’ve been through hell and back
That’s why you’re bad as fuck…” Drake knows!

PMA ❤

Oooops, I Moved To Copenhagen!

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Ready at the airport in Helsinki with my house of a bag that fits my life .

Yeah, I think oops is the best way to describe this move, or again :D. I was thinking and talking and planning this one, but the actual move decision was made just few days before my flights here.

Another jump to unknown, or was it? I know the city a bit, more than some others I’ve moved to. I really wanted to get away from Finland, I really did. And now I’m here, not going back “home” or was that even home…

That is one of the biggest things I’ve noticed since I came back here. I haven’t felt this at home in long time, maybe ever, probably never. Yesterday I was walking around in the city and noticed myself just smiling while looking around. This weird, for me, sensation just flooded over me and just made me feel like I finally have found a place I belong. And that is a first for me.

Photo by Sofie Riisgaard

Photo by Sofie Riisgaard

A year ago when I was here, I didn’t belong at all, I wasn’t ready and really not “there” yet with myself. I didn’t really know anyone that well, and I had no energy to get out there and meet people. And then I lost my Grandma. Too much, just too much!

But now, I have quite a few friends here, not only running related. I actually have one of my best friends here, which makes me extremely happy. I do miss my best friends in Finland, but they are with me and in my heart. And I know I am doing the best thing for me. The work I’ve done before I moved here to be able to make this work, is just so different than ever before. I just feel calm and in peace with this all, yes I am afraid and doubt myself at times, but the overall feeling is more than good.

It’s funny how a year ago I didn’t want to ride my bike here, still don’t remember really why, but now I’m at home here with that too. The neighborhood that I really didn’t like last year, is my home now. And it feels like home, like home! Like a place I could find my dream apartment and all. That all feels so overwhelming and amazing at the same time!

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Bridge the Gap/ Copenhagen Marathon Photo by Henrik Thorn

Though me coming here just before the Copenhagen Marathon weekend has made this all feel a bit confusing, as those weekends with friends from all over the globe does to you. You need couple days to decompress. But it was such an amazing weekend. I would not be here now without running and the chance to meet so many insanely amazing people! Pretty damn lucky to call them my friends <3.

I’ve surprised myself in so many ways already here, which makes me pretty happy. Like being able to run almost 20km in steady fastish pace for me without dying. I know that my running will improve so much here, just the fact that I will be running with others will help, but to be able to run with people who are way better at it and the push I have to get from myself and I get from them. Priceless!

But I also feel this pressure coming from within, that this is a do or die situation. Which is a bit stupid, but somehow that makes me push a bit more, so I’ll keep that close now. While I do that, I need to remember to give myself time to let all this sink in. I have to remember that I just moved countries again, not just houses. And it still is a big deal. So be gentle to yourself, please.

Friends on friends on friends!! Photo by My-Ha Lang

Friends on friends on friends!!
Photo by My-Ha Lang

It’s a funny feeling of wanting to do everything at once and the need of pulling back. Balancing it all is the most important thing. To recognize myself and how I deal with different things. For example, if I’ve been with old and new friends the whole weekend, I would be a bit exhausted in normal situation, but when you top that with the move, it’s more than normal to feel exhausted. So the thing is to take some time for myself to get my batteries charging and then do those things I wanted with better energy. Not an easy thing to remember, when you don’t want to do the same mistakes as before. Baby steps…

I somehow also felt nervous about writing these all out, like the place I am at the moment would make some difference in what I can write and not. But it’s fear again, maybe. To be who I truly am in front of so many new. In front of all the new, which makes me feel so powerful and confused at the same time. Though mostly just really amazing and excited, so I’ll take that as a good sign.

So yeah, oops I moved to Copenhagen!

If you know any jobs or want to offer me some, I’m looking :)!

Let’s see how this move goes, I feel ready and yeah, at home, so no reason why this wouldn’t work!

PMA ❤

Goals 2015

IMG_5061Yeah, I know it’s been really, really long since my last post.

Not an excuse, but my life has been a bit full of stuff and I just didn’t have the energy to write, even though I knew that it will make me feel a lot better. But I am still here! 🙂

I actually have this huge to do list of post to write on here, but I decided to start from this. It’s been bubbling in my mind since the Copenhagen Half and now that I have started to do things to make this all work, I thought that it’s time!IMG_5042SO.

When I was still in Copenhagen I got the chance to go and run trails, something that I have been dreaming to do since I started running. I knew really early on that there is something in trailrunning that would be my thing. And once I was running with a dear friend in a beautiful forest, I knew. I was in my happyplace. I could breath, I could just be free and enjoy and love. It was like this huge door opened and I knew that I will be okay.

Actually on the day when I knew that I will move to Copenhagen, I signed for my first trail Ultra. So before that happyplace run I already knew that this will be my thing. It’s going to be in Denmark, on an island called Bornholm. It’s called Fyr til Fyr, which means and will be from one lighthouse to another next to the sea, so hey I am in heaven with my love for the sea and seagulls :).IMG_5058Now that I am back home in Finland, I only run or I try to run only in a forest which we have here where I live a lot. It makes me feel so much better with everything I have going in my life. I feel free, calm, in peace, so happy and just challenged. Challenged in a way that I haven’t ever been before. The truth is that I have always been a bit afraid of forests, even though I spent a lot of time in them when I was a kid, but I was never alone and I didn’t have THIS high flying imagination ;).

But I love the challenge of embracing the nature and yourself and your fears. If you have imagination like mine, it will be a challenge. All the cracks and swooshes and this and that and realising that some of the noises come from your clothes. And from having a friend that feeds your imagination (you know who you are 😉 )…

In the beginning of my journey but I know that it will be great!IMG_4980Yesterday, first of October, I started another challenge, called #everyday30days. It’s a challenge started by an amazing runner in Hong Kong and then passed on to second runner in New York, from there to another amazing runner in New York, then to Toronto and to my friend in Singapore. He then asked me that would I be interested to take the torch next and with everything that has been going on I was honored and really happy to challenge myself a bit more :). So if you are interested in this journey, check that hashtag in Instagram.IMG_5038SO AGAIN.

Here’s “Goals2015”.

I have a goal of running three, yes three, trail Ultras next year! Maybe more, as now I found some in Finland that I would love to do too haha! 😀

I started thinking about what to do to be ready physically and mentally for this challenge. I have a routine going “slow and strong” forward and I will tell you more about that soon. But now you all know about my goals, just my little dreams that everyone probably has, don’t they?! 🙂

I have been working so hard for my own happiness for the past two years that I am courageous enough to make this big plans for my future. I know inside of myself that I can do this. I have it in me. Now harder work begins than ever before, but I feel ready!IMG_4947This is my #UNDOORDINARY

 

All This New

IMG_4244Yes, all this new!

I was on a long walk today with my dog and realised that I really just want to move already. It was one of the funniest feelings in a very long time.

Just last week I made the decision that I will move back to Finland, where I haven’t lived in 2 years. Oh, it will be so interesting to go back.

I will definitely have some kind of super reverse culture shock. That will be interesting!

I am also filled with ideas what to do, how to make my blog better and more this and that. My head is just bubbling with ideas. It hasn’t been this giddy in long time, so this is nice :).

Things that also make me happy about moving back are things like, finally going to start yoga at my friends yogastudio, Pihasali. I’m finally going to learn how to knit, thanks to my Mom. I get to go to the gym with my rockstar Mom, muscles here I come! I get to see my friends more than one afternoon in 6 months. And I get to see my family!

But the main thing for me is that I actually want to move and go back there. I haven’t wanted that in 2 years. I really didn’t want to go back.

For me going back before was like the biggest loser mark on my forehead. Like I gave up on something. But hell no I am not!

How much have I changed in these 2 years?! Insanely.

Did I care about myself two years ago, not much. Did I run and have friends all over the world, nope. Was I part of the best running crew, Still Waters Run Deep, well hell no I wasn’t. But now I am. And in a week I get to run with my crewmates in my Granmas honor here in Copenhagen! BOOM!

I have a feeling that there are some big things poppin’ soon! So I have planned and I believe that the universe agrees with me!

So let’s just end this to an super positive note!

Gratitude. PMA. Peace. Love. Blessed. Undoordinary. Breath. YES!IMG_4729