Family First

IMG_4694Universe has a funny way to keep us on the right path, if we are open to listening and going with that flow.

That means to me that yesterday my life changed again, big time, as in new move to another country.

I recently wrote about the loss of my Granma, that made me put things in perspective and really think what is important to me.

And that being said, family is the thing that is the most important. I need and have to be with my family now. I need them and I want to be there for them now. It’s my time to give and not only take, which I have been doing for too many years.

I think I knew this for almost couple of weeks, but I just didn’t want to say it. When I moved from Finland to Germany, I did it because I wanted to show that I will actually do something and not only talk. For a long long time, I felt that I am a loser if I would go back there. Now things are so different.

I have lost someone who was part of me. That puts you in different place in your life. I need to be with people who understand my loss and who I can hug and be hugged.

And I’m not the same person I was little over two years ago, I have worked so hard to be in a better place, and I’m not going to let that work go to waste.

This is not an easy move, and I will have those moments when I think that “what did I do?” but I have to trust my gut feeling, and everytime I have done that, it’s been the best.

I am afraid of funny things like, that people and those friends that I’ve made would forget me because I’m in the north :). I know that the people who I call friends these days won’t do that. But I am further from them that I have been. I hope that some of you want to come to that super exotic Finland :).

But I am also really happy to be in a place that I know things and how they work. Speak my own language and be with my best friends.

And everytime I start thinking of oh dear Finland, I remind myself that it doesn’t mean that it’s some kind of life sentense, I am always allowed to leave and I have a strong feeling that I will do that, once I get my life in better place. I haven’t found that happy place of mine yet.

But  for now, this is the right thing to do, for me, for my family and for my journey.

Thank you Universe!IMG_4686

 

 

So, What Is Happening…

Exactly a week ago I wrote about my decision of changing scenery. Little did I know that the next day my life would change completely!

This is where those connections and contacts that I have been making come to part. I knew that I have amazing friends and people around the world that I know, but I never thought that they could in a way, save my life.

With a simple question, I ended up having a place in Copenhagen, Denmark to move in and start my life there with a adopt family :). In one day all of my fears were gone! I felt that I am the most loved person in the world! It felt and still very much feels amazing.

So… Copenhagen it is!

NBRO, my future running family. And just to make it clear, I will always be a StillWater first!

NBRO, my future running family. And just to make it clear, I will always be a StillWater first!

 

I didn’t plan it, but it happened and I am really happy about it. Finally I will get my sea and seagulls again, I feel that my life has so much in store for me that I have no idea of, and I’m quite happy about that. I didn’t know that all would change this fast, as at the moment I only have less than two weeks left in Hannover and then I’m off! But I feel that this is exactly the right way for things to go for me. Why wait more, when there’s nothing to wait for…

And the amount of support, WOW! I feel so so loved, liked. Something that I haven’t really ever felt before like this. Thank You!

But this also brings completely different feelings than my last move.

Now I’m packing my life in couple of suitcases like before, but it feels different. Somehow more definite. I have been trying so much to like Germany, and now I have just admitted that I really don’t. It’s not my place in any way and I am finally okay with that. I am sure that people who know me, have known way longer than me how I feel about this place. It just took me quite long to admit that to myself. I feel that I don’t want to even try to explain my feelings now, because I need the space between this and my new life to see things more clearly.

There’s also this calmness about this all this time. I may have more to lose but I also have this peace inside of me, that I am doing the exact right thing, for MYSELF. I suck at thinking myself like this, so this is huge, and I am really proud of myself. I always knew that I have this inside of me, it just took quite long to get out :).

I have no idea what is going to happen in my life but this time I am more excited than scared. I talk about universe, and what universe has in store for me, with some of my close friends. And once I let myself be open to that, things started happening. So may it be your gut feeling, the universe or what ever you feel most comfortable, listen to it and follow your dreams. I am :).

Sea and the seagulls. Reminder of better times ahead from my adopting sister!

Sea and the seagulls. Reminder of better times ahead from my adopting sister!

 

Learning To Fly

I finally admitted to myself that it’s time for me to leave Germany behind.

It seems that it took me about the same time to admit that than what I have been living here, which is almost two years.

I made the decision to move here on a pure whim, no real thinking behind it, just wanted to do that thing that I have only been talking and wanted definitely to show that I will really go through with it, not that I wanted to admit that at all. I didn’t have anything why I felt that I should stay in Finland. It was easy to just pack and go.

Now, everything is different. I have that something in my life, what is really hard to leave behind, even for a while, not forever. I have that support that I felt that I didn’t have before, I have a person in my life that makes me better, loves me, pushes me, supports me. He’s my family, my rock, my home.

And I have people in my life that support me, love me, are crazy about the same things, friends that I didn’t have ever before. Though the good thing with them is that they are spread pretty much around the world.

I won’t miss too many things from Germany after I leave. This is just not my place, never was, doesn’t matter how hard I tried and lied to myself that all will be okay. But that second I admitted to myself that it’s totally okay to not like some place and say that not this anymore. That will drop this huge weight from your shoulders and heart and you feel like you are free!

But then the fear step in to this new unknown happiness, it creeps in with million questions. Questions that make you feel almost nauseous. Make your heart beat a bit too fast and make you take deep breaths just to calm your heart and mind.

I have no 100% certainty of our destination, but I have a place that I feel could be our happy place. A place where I could breath again, feel like the true me, a place where I could be just who I want to be and push myself, place where I can use what I know and show that through work.

It’s really hard to make selfish, healthy selfish, decisions like this when you have a family of your own. But sometimes it’s just needed. Your personal happiness has to be number one to you at times.

And I don’t give myself any credit for the fact that I jumped to unknown once before. I feel like people are talking about someone else when they say how brave I am to just move without a plan, or in general the fact that I left my home country. It’s weird thinking that I have done something special, I don’t know why, but that’s how it is in my head. I don’t see that brave part at all, maybe I would like to.

Things that I know are that I want to have a life again, not this half way nothing. I want to be close to sea again, hear the seagulls at summer, be able to go and buy clothes (from somewhere else than H&M), feel more like I belong, have a place to call home, make a home that looks and feels like mine, I want to work again, be that amazing customer service lady that I have been, use my skills, leave depression and unhappiness behind. And I know that I don’t want to go back to Finland.

I am terrified of all this, but I know that I can do this, I need this for my and my dogs sanity. This shit scares me to the core. I suck at asking help and now is the time to do exactly that and use those contacts that I have. It’s time to go after happiness and see if the next place is closer to my happy place. I don’t want to waste anymore time. I have so much good in my life and so much more to come if I just give it the change. So I will tip toe over my fears and go after what I need.

 

Treat.Yo.Self.

I’m learning slowly but very surely to Treat Myself, with things that I didn’t think that could be part of that saying. Every good deed I do to myself, is Treat.Yo.Self. moment. It doesn’t have to mean that I get something, material, but giving myself amazing moments where I can feel good about myself.

I have been trying to “fool” myself with not needing to do strength training, but finally understood to kick that fooling away. There is something about strength training that is way harder than running. It kicks your ass, literally. You might think that you are in good shape and then you do a 15 minute workout and feel like you are going to die… It’s different kind of pushing. I feel that running is mostly in your head, but when you push yourself in a workout. the pain is different but oh so rewarding.

I also have tried to think positive, like all the time. So that I could see if it really works, it does :). Especially when you really don’t want to. Like one day last week, it looked “sad” outside because it wasn’t sunny, but I decided that there’s nothing wrong with that day and went on with happy mind.

Of course there are moments and days when you don’t want to be happy, but that’s totally okay too. But when I’m positive I get more things done, having new opportunities, meeting new people and just feeling better and healthier. That age old monster called depression is slowly sliding further, which I love. I won’t miss it, for sure. But I don’t expect it to just disappear, it will still be part of me, just in the background looking at how well I’m doing without it!

SO, I’m finding new ways to be happy and feel better, being able to live with what I have without feeling too weak with it. I would say that that is good way to start my 30’s!! Yes, it’s my birthday this sunday and I have decided to celebrate it with a long run, because on my birthday you can do what ever you want, boom!

I’m not there yet but I’m so far from where I started! And so freaking proud of myself!!

It’s also, btw, less than 2 weeks to my first race!! Berlin Half I’m coming for you!! I might not be making any new personal records, but I will damn sure enjoy my heart out and go on with some sexy pace!

SO TREAT YO SELF AND EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE!

I’m Back!!

 

I ran today!! I decided that I have to try it eventually. I was terrified and scared. I was so worried that my leg would hurt and my dreams of the Half Marathon are gone.

I was checking the starting time of the Half this morning and on the website is a “clock” of how long till the race day, and it said 6 weeks and that woke me up. I realized that I have to try if I want to run even some part of it :).

I was super nervous when I put my running stuff on and my dog was getting excited too. I thought that it’s the best option to go out with my dog, and if my leg starts hurting I can just keep walking with him.

When the trail started I took a deep breath and take those careful first steps, all felt good. I was so happy!! I took it super easy, with the words “Listen To Your Body” like a mantra in my head and for 4 km I kept going, with some walking in between.

I feel now, that I’m back, like I got my Self back. I felt that I got my motivation back, which is amazing!

Now I have to remember to take it slowly and listen to my body, but I’m BACK and that’s the most important thing to me!!