Self Confidence / Insecurities

screenshot_20160916-131214It’s funny how little you need to feel like your confident self again. Sometimes you need to go far to see very close, something I’ve done a lot lately. But it also seems to be the only way to find myself again. So from insecurities to finding my self confidence to realising that I get still very lost with myself.

Last weekend I was in Stockholm, the place where I always feel like I can breath free, not sure even now after all these years why. Something in that place that I just feel so at home. I was there because of our massive running gathering, which also meant I got to see people I’ve missed like crazy, and meeting new forever friends you just click instantly.

The funny little thing I felt in me was that, instantly when we landed in Stockholm, I felt like that long lost confident me that I’ve been searching and looking for such a long time, basically the last year or so. Obviously I’ve had moments I’ve felt that me, but most of the past year has been such a weird time that wow.

After battling with my self confidence and body image this whole year, it felt so damn good to feel good about myself. And the thing is that I don’t know what changed, why there I got that part of me back. In a way it doesn’t make any sense, nothing really changed, other than the location and the people around me. Maybe just the pure positive atmosphere around me was the key. Something I feel like I am hunting after with dogs here in Finland.

The feeling of feeling comfortable and beautiful in my own skin and clothes and all that, felt so damn good. I had to do a little “you got this” at home before I left to the airport, but I remember looking at myself in the mirror and saying that “you look great” and that “do not give a shit if someone doesn’t like this”. Those peptalks are needed at times… Just try yourself.

Being myself has been a challenge lately and I’ve been so damn tired of that. I’ve known all the time that I’m there, under some weird pressure, but it’s been hard to get to the center, under all those layers of doubt. There hasn’t been enough “who cares” and too much of “what ifs” and “maybe I should make myself smaller in every way possible”.

Sometimes we need good company to remind us of our amazingness. Sometimes someone needs to give us a little attention to wake up. It might just be a look to make you smile. Or it might be words like “your body is amazing” from someone who has no idea about what you’ve gone through with your body and how insecure and at times even ugly you’ve felt with it.

We tend to forget how important it is to be there for each other and positively comment, even if it feels funny. The importance of being positive and saying those things out loud can be so massive to someone. I need to get better at that too, saying those to myself as well as to others.

Maybe someone is thinking now, that that confidence should come from within, and yes I do agree but sometimes we really need a reminder, that’s it. It’s that simple.

With all my bumps and cellulite and wobbly bits, I actually felt so beautiful and desired. I loved that feeling of not needing to be embarrassed when I felt the touch on those parts of me. Something so simple but so important. Honest gentle touch and words.

Now I just have to keep being that confident me here, in my home where it’s a lot harder. There’s something that happens to me every time I’m back in Finland that I forget all that progress I’ve made in these past years and go back to that insecure uncomfortable one, feeling like I’m stuck and have no future. It’s like my past here is holding me back, but only because I let it. That’s the only reason.

Maybe every time I feel like I’m falling to my old ways, I need to remember those words and that touch and bounce back up to my amazing beautiful self! 🙂

Self love in full effect! And thank you to that one who helped me realise my real worth without knowing my past. ❤


Curious About Life

IMG_1703Curious about life and what it has in store for me. All about that life at the moment.

It’s bubbling in my veins almost, yearning to learn more and more daily, to learn how new me works, yearning to know some people more and more, need of enjoying myself more than before.

It’s probably partly because of my job, but I’ve waking this childlike yearning in myself for learning to know more. It’s been really long since the last time that I’ve felt like I’m not afraid of the new. Of course I’ve been pretty fearless in my jumps to unknown the past years but while all of them and breaking myself free from all those shackles that held me back for so many years.

“I will not apologize for evolving past your comfort zone.”

I’ve been pulled back to being more without anything extra, being more in the nature, even for a little walk around the block for that fresh air. I’m feeling like I have too much stuff, which you would laugh at if you knew the “amount” I have. But I’m just yearning back more and more to that last springs less is more feeling. I’m dreaming of actually going and doing some hiking and camping next summer. Maybe finally in Scotland, after all this time dreaming of it. And I actually would like to share that all with someone, for the first time in my life. To share something that is beautiful and where you can be in silence without feeling uncomfortable.

There’s something in me that I don’t know, that makes me feel curious about everything now. Curious about knowing some people better, curious about visiting places again that I used to feel like I could breath free at. But at the same time, I’m not in a hurry, but I am ready to give different things a proper chance.

“I’m thankful for my struggle because without it I wouldn’t stumbled across my strength.”

I have a feeling that this all has something to do with the fact that my life is better than ever before. I have more love and happiness in my life than ever before. I have insanely amazing support in my friends and family. I have a job that I truly enjoy and get to better myself at, and which is a grown up job, first for me. So maybe my curiosity comes partly from the fact that I’m not used to feeling this okay with everything. Maybe it’s something that has been wanting to come out but I’ve just suffocated it for so long.

“You are under no obligation to be the same person you were a year, a month, or even 15 minutes ago. You have the right to grow. no apologies.”

I’m just more honest with myself, open to who I am, have more courage and feeling strong and confident. I know who I am and what is my worth. Finally.

I do not need to change a thing in myself.

I deserve all the love and happiness in my life, just like everyone else does too.

PMA ❤IMG_1846


Feeling Myself – Body Positive Post

Yeah, that's me. Few tattoos less but all me.  Photo Joni Helminen

Yeah, that’s me. Few tattoos less but all me.
Photo Joni Helminen

Body positive. Feeling myself. All the self love. Being proud of who you are and loving it all.

That is definitely happening in my life these days. For few months my confidence about myself and especially about my body has just soared, like it has been kept secret and all of sudden I’m allowed to let it all out. I’ve never felt this good about carrying myself when I’m out and about. When I see myself these days on the mirror or a window or whatever, I look at myself and I am genuinely proud. Usually I even say to myself that I look damn fine. Something I should’ve done for so long, but better now than never.

As women, we are supposed to be crazy sexy and this and that all the time, but at the same time we aren’t supposed to be happy with who we are. We shouldn’t be happy with our bodies, because we’ve been told for most of our lives that we aren’t enough and we should be skinnier and have bigger boobs or whatever comes next. I’ve definitely gone through all the changes with myself and still always felt that I’m just not enough. But that fight is finally over. Maybe it’s my age, maybe it’s the change in myself, maybe it’s all the life experience that I have behind me. Whatever it is, it’s over.

I’m finally happy and proud of my body and who I have inside of it. Damn I love the confidence I carry now. I’m not perfect, and I love that. I feel the sexiest when I’m me. And that’s probably the biggest compliment ever in my life.

Today when I was walking in the city, here in Copenhagen, I was just blown away by the attention I got from guys. Seriously, I’m not used to stuff like that. As someone whose from Finland, where people don’t really go all out on the compliments, this is new to me. Or the other end that I got in Germany, those nasty catcalls and any sexual harassment choices you can think of, that only made me feel unsafe. So when my experiences are something like that, getting nice smiles, looks that are almost appreciative, genuine nice compliments feels pretty damn nice. They boost the confidence I had about myself. Which is the best way to take them. I don’t need them to make me feel confident and sexy, because I feel pretty hot anyways, but they sure make me feel nice.

My body has gone through so much over the years that the fact that I am happy with what I have now, is a miracle. But I’ve found who I am through it all. I don’t need to dress sexy to feel sexy. For example today, I was wearing basic white t-shirt, blue jeans and Blundstone boots, wouldn’t say first that those make you get all the boys to the yard. BUT, this is the thing, I felt damn good in them. I felt that I can conquer the world. I was wearing something that made me feel like me and confident.

And this is a great example that less is more, as in wear what makes you feel confident. Not wear less clothes, or if that makes you feel confident do that. Because we all have different ways to feel confident. But do the thing that really feels good to you.

One of the best feelings in the world is when you just feel yourself and that might come with age, but damn I’m loving it all. When you can just say that I look damn fine and mean it and be proud of it all. You might sound like you’re bragging, I don’t care. Be goddamn proud if you feel like that. IMG_8050

Once I said to myself that I am okay with little extra on my booty and thighs, and that my boobs aren’t as they were before, and that you can see the life I’ve lived on my skin, my life got so much better. Seriously, the moment I accepted who I am. Once I stopped saying that there’s something wrong with me, damn life got better. I want to look and feel real. I want to be strong in and out. I want to be proud of all the hard work I put in and what you can see on my body. I never want to see too skinny, because that’s not me. I want to have a little junk in the trunk, because that makes me feel sexy. I want to be able to sway my ass when I walk and feel feminine. And of course I want to be able to shake that junk on the dance floor.

I love that I have friends who are genuinely proud of their bodies just like they are. Damn we are hot! I get so much power from those ladies, celebrating their gorgeous bodies, in their own ways and in so different bodies. All in all, we all should be proud of what we have. We should accept that perfect is not what we should be, but be real. Real is always better than what you’re not.

My definition of sexy is very different than someone else’s but that’s the beauty of it, we are different and that’s what we should be. I might be wearing the simplest things but if I feel damn hot in them, it shows. It’s that bit of a mystery that makes it all more sexy, in my mind at least.

When you are okay with yourself, with all your imperfections and scars, world just becomes so much better. This doesn’t mean that you’ll never have ugly days or days when you feel like shit, that is normal but if the majority of time you love yourself, you’ll be on the right track.

And couple important things I’ve learned the last couple of years. First, if you’re not happy with something, change it, do not complain about it but are not willing to do anything. Second, when you change, it doesn’t mean that your closest people will see it and say something, so do not expect that boost coming from outside, it has to come from yourself first. If you’re not happy with yourself, you won’t be happy. Point blank.

Things that make me feel sexy in my body: my strong muscular legs, my soft and round booty and hips, my waist that has found it’s shape and is feminine, my small breasts, my wide and warrior like shoulders, my strong jawline and high cheekbones, my crazy blue eyes, my thick hair and my teeth gap.

Things that I’ve learned to do with my body and make me feel confident and sexy: I’ve studied my body and it’s curves and lines and learned how to use them, I’ve danced so much that I’ve learned how to use my body how I want to, I’ve done so many different physical things with my body that I know what it can do and how much it endures, the fact that I am able to do things that many will never even think about makes me feel pretty damn hot, I’ve looked at myself naked so much that I’ve seen myself in many different weights and changes, but ended up being happy with the skin I live in.

I also started doing this thing couple of years ago, and it really works. Every day, when you see yourself in the mirror, always say something nice about yourself to yourself. Preferably out loud. Say I love you. You look good girl. I’m proud of you. Whatever it would be, say it, be proud of yourself and say positive things to yourself and you’ll start seeing yourself in a more positive way. Remember what you think and say to yourself, you become and feel, and your body will believe just that. If it’s negative you will feel shitty and carry the pain in you, and your body will react in that way. If it’s positive, you will feel good and your body will thank you with ability to do what you want.

“I’ve found that growing up means being honest. About what I want. What I need. What I feel. Who I am.” – Epiphany

When I end my posts with the letters PMA, I mean them. I actually have them tattooed on my arm. The funny thing is that I got them when I was very far from being and living that, Positive Mental Attitude. Maybe it was a sign that one day I’ll learn the meaning of them. I definitely have. What it means for me is just that, trying to have a positive attitude to everything in life, take those bad and shitty days and moments with an attitude of gratitude and learn from them all. All that comes back to how I see myself and my body. I would not be able to see myself like I do these days without my whole mindset changing. It’s impossible. We are a whole thing, not one part good and others bad.

As a woman, as a big sister, I want to be an example to others and younger girls that being who we are is so powerful. I want to show that being honest and raw and real are so amazing. That mistakes and scars are the thing that makes us beautiful. That sex and being sexy is so much more than being naked and in tiny clothes. That being a bit different is so good. And smile is always the best accessory to carry with.

So all in all, attention from guys is a nice bonus, but not the definition of who I am or how hot I feel I am. That all needs to come from myself, I need to see myself in that way and then others see it too.

Let’s be proud of what we have, all that we have. Don’t ever let someone make you feel like the real you is bad! Let’s celebrate our differences. Let’s celebrate our curves, our skinny sisters, all the shapes and sizes there is. We all are equally beautiful! Who run the world, GIRLS! ❤


The Power Of Self Love And Setting Personal Boundaries

IMG_7584Sometimes it takes a span of 10 years, sometimes couple of odd days, and BOOM you just see yourself in a way that you haven’t ever before!

If you’ve been reading this blog, you know that it’s been a bit of a struggle at times for me to see me in a positive and supportive way. We all have issues, in our body or mind, that bothers us. Mostly they are useless bullshit, to be honest. If we feel shitty about ourselves, it’s usually just some deep rooted insecurity that tries to kick our butts in believing that we suck… Well, I think it’s time to kick those insecurities in realizing that we are amazing and rock!

Once I realized in my own life that when I set boundaries in how I let people get to me, this huge burden and weight just lifted from my shoulders and heart. So wait, I could actually decide who I have in my life and how I react to what they have to say?! Yeah, we all do! And that stuff is powerful!

When you go through and work towards bettering yourself, it’s pretty crucial that you in all rough honesty, delete those negative people and surroundings from your life. If you don’t, they will keep you from moving forward with their age old doubting and negative burden on your life. But that moment when you say “hell to the NO to this” you are setting yourself free from it all.

It might mean that you loose a lot of people that you have been thinking are your friends, but trust me when I say, being alone or feeling more alone for a bit is so rewarding when those real and genuinely good people start coming to your life. Because you are shining that positive light so hard that you attract the right people. It also means that some people do not like the new you at all, I’ve been there. You might lose that relationship that you thought is the ONE. But in the same time, we don’t have that much time on this planet and I want to live this life of mine to the fullest these days, risks and all. I will love the heck out of this!

So how you set those boundaries? Basically simply not being with those people, yeah easier said than done, especially if they’ve been in your life for a long time. I know it’s hard because being a people pleaser myself, I’ve been really struggling on how to be happy with my alone self. But then again, being alone felt better than being with people that in the end made me feel like shit.

The saying that we should surround ourselves with people who push us and support us and are positive influence in our life, is so true! You do not deserve anything else than the best, who ever you are, so why not be that to yourself?

But we have to be able to be honest to ourselves and say that this is what I am okay with and this is not. Before you set those boundaries to yourself, it’s pretty hard to set them for others. So what do You want? Who You are? What do You want from your life? What are Your dreams and goals? Write them down, and see how far or close you might be. Once you start demanding better from yourself, it will be easier for you from others too.

Stand up for what is important to you.

Let me tell what I had to do… I have always been a person who puts others before me, so obviously my depression was always there. Once I said that I am the one I need to put first, things started to change. Once I said that I want to be happy and if that means that I need to stand up for myself and say all those insanely scary things to few people who just walk over me constantly and use my kindness to push their own insecurities, it was so worth it! Being really alone but true to myself for some time has been the best thing ever in my life!

It’s not some mandatory deal in life, that we need to take other peoples shit because we are nice and good to them. NO! It took me quite long to really understand that there is healthy selfishness and just being a dick and selfish. And learning how to be good to myself first and be that healthy selfish is hard, but so amazing!

And that and loving who you are goes so much hand in hand. Once you are true to yourself, you love yourself and you are able to keep those boundaries. But you’re also able to be around those negative people if you have to, because you know what are your limits. You’re able to stay calm even when others are going all out around you.

So to that self love part, like I said, they go hand in hand with setting boundaries. Once I decided that this is all me, and no one else should get to decide what I do and don’t with my body, hair, whatever, I started loving myself so hard. Seeing myself in a really beautiful way from a mirror. Accepting all not just the “nice” things, all! There’s nothing wrong with me and I just wanted to stop fighting that. So I did.IMG_7620

People who makes us feel other than we should, can be the one in our relationship, our parents or our friends, or who ever you spend time with. But if they are bringing you down and keeping you from going forward with what you want from your life, it’s time to say those hard things and set yourself free.

If you want to have tattoos, do it, don’t let yourself not have them because what would my parents say… I’ve done that. But it’s my skin and if they make me feel good, I need to listen to that voice in me and say that this is me, all me.

If you want to look like a gym lady with visible muscles and feel strong and sexy through it, do it!

If you want to run so much that you smile like an idiot, DO IT!

If you are about that push them boundaries life and jump to unknown in your heart, DO IT!

I can assure you to the max and beyond that once you are true to yourself, things just start dropping to their right spots. Take those risks and see how happy you could be. Take the exact risk of giving yourself the chance to be happy! It’s not easy but oh oh oh it’s so worth it!

I was basically dead for my twenties and finally woke up to this all when I was just shy of turning thirty. I have lost a lot, lot of people that I thought that I need in my life, a lot of “what if’s”. But I’ve gained so much, I love myself so much, I see myself in this strong, sexy and confident woman who is capable of anything, and I know that me being honest to myself and others have only brought the best in my life, so I will keep on doing exactly that. And believe me, I am scared shitless at times, I really am, but I know now that it’s not worth looking back if it hasn’t worked before. I rather take the risk than think afterwards that damn what if I would’ve done this and that. I’m too old for what if’s. I have so much to take in from this amazing life of mine, and I will do all that I can. Enjoy every moment, even the bad ones.

I don’t want to die young like some people do, and to be clear here, I mean die young because they don’t follow their own fire. I was like that for too many years, no interest in that anymore, I’m worth so much more!

So, write down what YOU want. Tell yourself all the positives when you look yourself in the mirror. Stop fighting what you truly are and give yourself a chance to be all you are!


PMA ❤ IMG_7608