Overwhelmed By The New. Depression. Introversion. Finding Balance.

To be honest, it’s one of those Fuck This Shit days… One where all feels are testing you for the fun of it. You wake up after first proper nights sleep but the numbness of your old damn friend depression is sinking it’s teeth to your decent morning.

Finding balance in life is one of the hardest things I know. I have a true love/hate relationship to it, as it’s a constant test of my resilience. Especially now that this year seems to be all about something new, about that moment when you are on the edge and can only jump to the unknown. Or back away and forget all that you have worked so damn hard for.

My depression has a way of finding it’s way back when I’m exhausted by a lot of good. Which doesn’t really make any sense, why would it come when things are good? Well… when I’m exhausted and overwhelmed enough, I’m not on my strongest, so it’s a great moment to find a crack in me and slither back in to make me doubt all that I am, and making me feel only numb. That fucking numbness that I hate the most.

Even though I know and realise my introversion and the need of personal space and time, it’s not always possible to have enough of that. And when I don’t have enough sleep, peace and time to reload my batteries, I tend to feel the way I do now. I haven’t had this kind of time in life in either super long or more accurately, never before. Which makes this all a learning curve, once more. But the reality is that I only want to yell and scream out loud as I feel like I know what is happening and what to do to ease it all, but so much has happened in such a short amount of time that it’s making me feel all confused and like I’m looking at all of this from outside.

This week has been already one of those that makes you think that could I please skip this one, please.

I miss my friend who passed away in December so much. I think I’m starting to realise to whole thing now, and the loss is sinking in finally. The reality of it just turns my stomach and makes me feel so sad. I know that I’m not alone but I do feel so damn alone right now. And someone saying that they are here for me isn’t helping, even though I appreciate it, this is one of those moments that I need to just feel all of this to be able to move on.

I think the news I got this Monday, or the combination of it all right now, triggered the sadness and depression of not having my friend here anymore. I had a meeting with my wrist surgeon about what’s going on with my wrist, as it’s been causing trouble lately. It wasn’t good or nice and something in it just made me fall a bit, to forget the good and feel exhausted and numb.

I will need a new operation to see what’s going on and then with high possibility another one once we know what’s going on. I know that I can’t do anything about that, and my surgeon was equally bummed as the actual bone that was fixed in the original operation is okay, but something has started causing havoc in my wrist and needs more and more fixing, to the extend that usually the operation it might need is done to old people as it will change the use on that hand so much. So, fuck.

The thing is. When there’s too much, good or bad or a mix of them, it’s too much. Now is that moment for me. It’s not going to make me give up or defeat me, but it’s making me stop and think things again, once again. It’s making me find my balance and remember the things that bring me peace to cope with all of this.

I am a complex mix of challenges, good and bad. I am introverted as hell but love to be with people, but need loads of space and peace to be able to be like that. I live with depression, it’s my forever companion whether I want it or not. I have my ways to deal with it, but there are times when it gets the best of me. That’s okay. I’m also highly sensitive, which makes me feel everything around me stronger than others. That’s okay too. I would not have myself any other way, but this mix of me can be exhausting at times.

So now I’m being honest and saying that I’m not okay but that’s okay too. These times are part of life and I have no intention of hiding them, because they make it all real.

Honesty is the thing that I remind myself, makes me strong. So fuck this shit and let’s keep moving!

PMA ❤

Blips of Loneliness

wp-1480357086390.pngI noticed it last Friday, for the first time in a very long time, I felt lonely. In that way that swallows your whole being under it like a heavy blanket. In a way that doesn’t even really need saving but just to be there, let the feeling be “out” and move on. But it was still there, and it made me really think why it even came for a visit.

I’ve been so content with my lone life for over a year that this feeling felt just weird, like a unknown dark veil. Me being able to be on my own and liking the way I am capable of being alone a lot has always been a blessing and a curse for me. It let’s me charge my batteries, it let’s me think my thoughts which I really like to do, I love to be in my own head and just do some mind work. I’ve always been good at being on my own and figuring out what to do on my own, I don’t mind seeing no one in few days or more. I don’t need other people to make me feel whole. But there’s also the downside that I tend to be so good at this that I kind of over do it every now and then. And then I get this feeling that “will I end up being alone for the rest of my life, because no one even knows that I exist, as I really like to be on my own”.  And as the truth is that no one will come to your door and ask you out or “to play”.

The older we get the less we have these accidental places and moments in our lives for meeting new people or old friends, as we have been granted with the opportunity of making our lives the way we want them to be. Some like to be surrounded with friends or other people all the time, I tend to like my solitude to an extend where I feel lonely at times.

The more you learn to know yourself, the more you find ways that make you happy with your life. The more I’ve learn about who I am, that I am an introvert, that I happen to be an highly sensitive person, I’ve learned to accept the ways those help me understand myself and the surrounding world and how I need to listen to my body and mind closer than I did before when I didn’t know what those amazing and sometimes hard traits are that make me the me I am.

I’m no stranger to feeling lonely, I’ve felt that a lot in my life, but for the past year, I’ve been more or less really happy with who I am, being single and living my life with all that it’s thrown at me. And this year has not been easy, by any measurements. It’s taken more out of me than I knew could happen, but I’ve learned to know myself even more once again. For such a long time, I felt that I will just feel lonely and that it’s, but that was before I understood, really understood that before you love and accept yourself, you will never be content with yourself and your life.

But this past weekend, the loneliness really kicked in. I don’t know if it’s the time of the year, every possible ad and commercial is about being together and loving and all that squishy lovely stuff and finding that perfect present for “that” person. Is it that the age I am now that majority of the people around you, tend to have significant others and families, that people like me are the minority not majority. I haven’t even thought about that I would want to have someone in my life for quite some time, and that didn’t really come to me now either. And noticing and being honest about that makes me sure that I still need some “me time” before I can even really think about sharing my life with someone else. All though if I’m truly, utterly honest I do miss being close to someone at times, or that butterfly feeling in your belly or that cheek hurting smiling, BUT still it’s not enough for me to actually do anything about the whole thing. That’s how much I’m happy with my life right now.

And I also have to admit that me being pretty much always the one who has made the first move, and all my experiences in my past has made me extremely careful about even considering anything. I’ve noticed that I actually want the other one to make that first move, and make me feel special and wanted.

But the pure heaviness of the feeling last Friday was pretty overwhelming. It was so “right now”. I noticed myself just walking in the city with my headphones on and looking at people as they were rushing around after work, going to their company Christmas parties, buying frantically Christmas presents, or holding hands and smiling to each other. I don’t know why and how it was such a strong emotion all of sudden.

What I’ve started to do to challenge myself these days is to sign up for things that I haven’t tried ever before and with that having new experiences, meeting new people that I wouldn’t other wise, placing myself outside my comfort zone. I have plans like these for 2017, to really just do things that I’ve wanted for some time but just haven’t done anything to them.

But with all this, I also felt strongly that it’s good to feel lonely at times, if you would never feel that you would never think about if you wanted to change something or if it was just a moment or what. Loneliness isn’t the worst kind of feeling when it’s “controlled”, when you’re able to acknowledge it and sit in peace with it. It is an issue that you need to address when it’s eating you whole and you feel like there’s nothing you can do about it. But I really wish that you understand and remember that you’re not alone and there’s always someone ready to listen and be there with you.

As the year is coming to an end, a lot of thoughts and feelings raise their heads and make us think of what we’ve done this past year, if we’re happy with our lives and what we would like to change if there is something. The darkness outside is really pushing us down but we just need to breath few more times and push back and move on. It’s not hopeless, and you’re not really alone.

PMA ❤

When Passion Turns Into Doubts And Fear

wp-1476214605352.pngI feel little nervous even writing now, it feels that it’s so long since I last wrote a piece that felt something and made me fear to get it out a bit. Usually those are the ones that give the most after they are done.

I’m on the verge of recovering myself again, once again. The me I’ve been last year or the two years ago is so far from the me I am now. And the me I am now, I’m not even sure who that is, I am am very much in the search of that Me.

This year has completely thrown me on a spin of feelings that I did not expect and got very off guard because of them and how they truly made me feel. The things that were my biggest passions have dwindled into things that I feel no interest in doing and am really pushing to being interest again, as I know in the deepest place in me that they do bring me joy and support in a way that not others can.

When I started this blog, I remember how the words just flew off from my fingers and writing was really easy, not grammatically good but I got the feelings out and felt always better after. Probably because I never thought that no one is actually really reading what I wrote so there was no pressure in what I did, I just let all it out. This whole year has been a low key on this blog, I’ve felt strongly that I don’t really have anything to say worth writing about, which might have made me feel even more confused with all. As I haven’t written about them to anywhere else either. I’ve also felt this massive pressure to write anything at all, there’s so many amazing blogs around and I’ve just felt that what do I have to say that someone actually would like to read, do I really have something to say?!

It’s been the same with my running, or more like the lack of it, or with any physical activity in my life this year. No interest what so ever, which has been so tiring and weird but a relief too. Two years ago I did nothing else than run, I ran to heal myself from the pain of loosing my Grandma, from the end of a long and meaningful relationship, the changes I had in my life, from the confusion of it all. I ran to feel better, I ran from it, I ran to it, I just ran. And I’ve felt many times that I just ran out of that course in my life, I didn’t have anymore running or anything else in my life. And I felt and have still felt really guilty of that feeling, or not having any interest in doing anything, while so many know me through my running and now I am nothing, in a way, or at least I am not doing anything in that way.

This year has just flew past, it doesn’t feel real, so much has happened and still it feels like no time has gone by. That’s what’s scaring me so much, the realization of how fast time moves on without no care about if we have done anything with it, good or bad, to others or ourselves. And in this world we live in, it feels so often than if you don’t do do do and do something all the time, you are nothing at all. If you don’t have something to show for every damn thing all the time, you basically don’t even exist.

I’ve gotten so tired of that all, the last couple of months I’ve noticed how I have no tolerance for extra pressure if it’s not necessary, and I know now that I have no need to let it in my life, I have the keys to make those lines that others and also myself aren’t allowed to cross. And I do not need to feel bad about taking care of myself like that.

There’s this massive trend of being more all the time, faster, anyfucking thing, just as long as you do it a lot and show it to the world in some way in your media outlets. It gets tiring and has no effect at some point. I feel like I’ve been on both sides of that, and now I notice more often than not that I just don’t feel anything when I see someone posting a positive this or that or how much and fast they’ve been running, it’s just noise to me. And I feel in a way guilty of even letting myself be this honest about it. But I’ve felt that less is more can be so many things, we don’t have to post every aspect of our lives for them to be real, to us, who they should mean the most. The quality of our own lives doesn’t feel as high as it should, we put it out there like it does but does it to us all when we behave like that or do we just grave for the attention to validate our own being through likes?

And there’s this flipside of starting to feel bitter and jealous of it all. You’re surrounded by it all, it comes from every aspect of your life, not only social media and then it starts to feel like it’s suffocating you whole. And doing anything starts to feel like it’s useless because, why should you you’ll never get “there”.

It’s really hard to stay relevant even to yourself when you really don’t do a thing to make the situation better or different, but that’s the thing the pressure to do anything starts to be so massive that it’s easier to be bitter than try. Especially if you’ve had a history of failing as a habit or a way of life, because of those self doubts, those insecurities. What all that drifting further and further from that “Do” Me does is, it fills you with doubts on top of doubts, it pushes you further away from the you, you were before it all landed on you like a thick blanket without you realizing. Climbing back up from there is insanely hard work, especially when you clearly are not who you were but not 100% sure who you are or want to be now. There’s a certain pressure in “getting back up” once you’ve already done it before, whether it is writing or running or whatever. It almost gets harder and not easier, because of the fact that you’ve done it before and it also can make you feel extra insecure, because the biggest step in your way is YOU!

I have too many years in me of getting used to failure and not believing in any way or form that I do deserve the good in life, that it’s really easy to fall on that side of thoughts than remember that positive push you also have in you. But it is like anything else in life, if you don’t practice it enough and make it a habit you forget it and it becomes hard again.

I’ve had to find ways again now to start feeling better, it’s been a long road to recovery in many ways this year. I haven’t wanted to slow down because deep down I knew that when I do, all that I had dusted away will pop up. But I never knew how much will come and to what level I need to dig to start the healing once again. I really needed to slow down to a full stop to see how broken I was. I needed to let myself fall down to see if I still have the fight in me.

After almost a month of morning meditation, which isn’t the easiest thing but I’m really feeling the benefits, and reading actual books a lot, I’m starting to feel like I might have a idea who I am and who I want to be. And there’s nothing wrong that that is nothing who I have been, that’s only a good thing. I am not who I was, I am who I am now. And honestly I am scared shitless. I have no idea what to do, but I know I have to try, even when that is the one thing I wish I could just jump over or crawl under. To behave like I have done and be miserable when it didn’t work like it never did. I don’t know if anyone reads this blog, or if anyone wants to run in my running crew, but those are still two things that seem to make me feel better, so I choose to keep trying.

My insecurities, depression and doubts will always take over me, when I am weaker, but maybe that’s not so bad. I read in one book this thing that said around like this ” our depression often comes to our lives when we need to slow down and stop to evaluate our situation”. I had it bookmarked because it really resonated with me. Maybe depression isn’t only a bad thing, for me it has made me who I am now. Not with the easiest roads but still. So without the struggle who would I be, I have no interest knowing.

Being alone and really slowing down is one of the best things I know. It charges my batteries, and sometimes that takes a lot longer than before but it’s so necessary in this “ON” world of ours. And we don’t need to be able to do and be like everyone else, if someone hustles all the time, let them. But you don’t have to or need to, to be where you feel the best. That is something I need to tell myself quite often, but I’m only a human. And that’s okay.

And here it is, a piece that I just wrote, didn’t think just wrote and didn’t even proofread…

PMA ❤

The Never Ending Sick Leave

wp-image-391466568jpg.jpgWhen you start to count how long you’ve already been on a sick leave and how it truly feels never ending… If something is a patience test, then this is, big ass time.

There’s no confirmed end to this yet, and that is starting to eat my spirit a bit, well honestly, I hate this to my core. My surgery was, 18th of May, and at the moment I feel like 2016 is going to be one hell of a yay for me. Obviously this post is me being filled with frustration and sadness and just anger that why a “simple” wrist operation turned a year of my life into what it is now.

When I got the news that my wrist is broken and needs a surgery last years Christmas week, I never ever thought that it will be this big of a life change. I understood that it is a simple operation that is a bit difficult to heal, or at least slower than others, but never did I think that it would be this. And then the wait to even get to the operation, those months from last weeks of last year to May, all that time when I had to reduce what I was doing at my work at the time, to people saying to me that don’t do that and don’t do this, to me feeling like I’m loosing a part of me, which I feel a lot at the moment too.

After the operation I thought that okay, this will take some time and then after those 6 weeks with a cast I’m pretty much good to go again and that my summer isn’t doomed and that I can start being “normal” again. That’s what I thought and believed and kept my spirits up with. But obviously it didn’t go like that.

The thing is, my recovery has gone as my surgeon wished it to go, but I just managed to break that one tiny bone that takes FOREVER to heal properly. It’s a bone that you can’t take risks with, or it needs a new operation. So I actually have to listen and believe my surgeon when she says that it needs a little more time, even when it is looking better all the time and like she wanted it to be.

But every time I hear that yeah, little more sick leave, just a little more, I seriously don’t see the good in that situation. I feel so shitty now, I just want to go back to being me, fully. Not this, some day I’m back me.

And the notion of how slow my body actually recovers from this all, is just tiring. You want to understand and you know the reality and the facts of why my running isn’t where it used to be, or why my body doesn’t respond as fast as it did last year to eating good and exercising, it’s a struggle to believe that those clothes that I love will fit me again, or that you look yourself in the mirror without feeling like yep, I would not mind looking a bit tighter. Some how it never even crossed my mind how massive of an impact one wrist operation could do to your whole body. It’s just a wrist, so why is it making my whole body react this massively. Yeah they had to take some bone of my hip but still?!

This year has been, once more, a test for me but not anything I was ever prepared for. It has been such a challenge mentally and physically that I even wish that it had been a knee or something like that. I have to battle my depression again, because this has been such a mental battle. And I hate that so much. I’ve lost my happy a bit and I’m tired of climbing back up, even though I know that I don’t want to sink either.

I’m afraid that loosing a year, will make my job opportunities shrink even more than they were before. I’m honestly afraid that I won’t find anything. Once this all is finally done. I’m afraid that I get stuck in this weird situation and just look how others around me move forward.

I’m tired and afraid of this all. I want to be able to be me, to be fully independent on my own and not have to worry about money ALL THE TIME, to feel like I have something to say and give, to feel needed.

I am trying to remind myself that there will be an end to this all, but right now it’s very damn hard.

This will get better, this will better, this will get better, I repeat in my mind, not sure if I even believe myself but I have to try.

 

I Thought I Lost You, But You Are There Still

Photo Jasmin Helmi

Photo Jasmin Helmi

Last week a friend of mine took some photos of me, I’ve asked her is she could as I needed some for my updated CV. I never thought that the images she took could make me feel the way they did. She was able to capture me, really me, the one I thought I lost during the past months.

For majority of this year I’ve felt a bit lost with myself. First because I was so adamant with my weird feeling of not wanting to stay in Finland, it felt like a prison sentence, I didn’t want to have anything solid here. I fought so hard against it all. And then with my wrist operation I think I grew tired of fighting, as I had to fight against so many other weird feelings that the operation had brought up.

The difference between this year and last is so big that sometimes I feel that they have to have more than one New Year between them. Last year was so much, it was planned and about jumping to whatever came to me, just taking whatever without thinking what it might mean in some time. I was just rushing and living, maybe too much, maybe not enough, but maybe I let myself actually live for the first time in really long time. I had been keeping myself back for so long that I just let loose and flew, not to the right direction by any means all the time, but I was still flying. And ended up my year with my wings almost cut off.

This year started with me looking in the mirror and realising things that I didn’t want to face, as I knew that they will rip all those scars that I had carefully tried to heal, open again to the core. And through this year I’ve looked myself in the mirror with that same look, quite a few times. Feeling lost and not sure what to do about it, feeling like I’m suffocating, feeling disappointed in myself, mind and body. I think that’s been the hardest to take, knowing that now I actually need to take a step back and that I can’t rush like last year. I need to heal, I need to give myself a break, I need to be patient in the many ways of that word. And it’s been very very hard. Depression has crept it’s ugly head at times, but there’s been still something that has kept me without sinking completely.

Photo Jasmin Helmi

Photo Jasmin Helmi

When I saw the photos my friend took last week tonight, I looked at myself in a different way, in new and more positive eyes. I’ve looked myself in the mirror end of this summer with new eyes few times, with a gentle and loving way, saying to myself that “you are beautiful and enough”. And smiled to what that notion has done to my face, it soften and glowing in a way I thought I lost already completely.

And today when I looked at my own face from those photos, I felt so beautiful.

It’s been such a long time I’ve felt like that. Since my operation it’s been so hard to accept the changes on my body, when I can’t be as active as I’ve been. The weight gain and lost of muscle and the cellulite, the evil cellulite that makes you feel so unwomanly for some reason. I looked photos from last summer when I felt so much like I’m in my own skin for the first time, and then this summer I looked at my body in a mirror and it was so far from what it was so little time ago. I tried to say to myself that you’ll get it back soon, but what I just wanted to do deep down was to eat more and make myself feel even worse. Which obviously doesn’t make any sense, but I was at the start again with my body, after all that insanely hard work I’d done for the past 3 something years. I had worked and worked for a body I had always dreamed of, and now it was gone.

It has been such a long summer, and not in a easy breezy nice way. I’ve looked and read and been on the sidelines as others have been living this summer like I wanted to live it. I’ve had to accept the very slow process of healing from two operations at once. Having very good things happening too, like having my own home and not feeling like I want to go again, but not being able to really be happy about all of it. It’s taken me all the way to August to slowly finding me again. 2016 hasn’t been my favorite, at least yet, I might change my mind later about that.

But something changed when I saw myself in those photos. I wasn’t sad anymore. I didn’t looked like there’s pain and frustration behind my eyes. I looked like I am happy again, slow and steady getting my real happy back.

I’m not expecting anything drastic of myself now. I want to show myself that I can again, just like I did little over 3 years ago, when this whole journey started. I’m in a new beginning. But I have great people to make this start easier and filled with deep rooted laughs and tears and honesty.

Let’s do this, once again.

PMA ❤

Photo Jasmin Helmi

Photo Jasmin Helmi