When Passion Turns Into Doubts And Fear

wp-1476214605352.pngI feel little nervous even writing now, it feels that it’s so long since I last wrote a piece that felt something and made me fear to get it out a bit. Usually those are the ones that give the most after they are done.

I’m on the verge of recovering myself again, once again. The me I’ve been last year or the two years ago is so far from the me I am now. And the me I am now, I’m not even sure who that is, I am am very much in the search of that Me.

This year has completely thrown me on a spin of feelings that I did not expect and got very off guard because of them and how they truly made me feel. The things that were my biggest passions have dwindled into things that I feel no interest in doing and am really pushing to being interest again, as I know in the deepest place in me that they do bring me joy and support in a way that not others can.

When I started this blog, I remember how the words just flew off from my fingers and writing was really easy, not grammatically good but I got the feelings out and felt always better after. Probably because I never thought that no one is actually really reading what I wrote so there was no pressure in what I did, I just let all it out. This whole year has been a low key on this blog, I’ve felt strongly that I don’t really have anything to say worth writing about, which might have made me feel even more confused with all. As I haven’t written about them to anywhere else either. I’ve also felt this massive pressure to write anything at all, there’s so many amazing blogs around and I’ve just felt that what do I have to say that someone actually would like to read, do I really have something to say?!

It’s been the same with my running, or more like the lack of it, or with any physical activity in my life this year. No interest what so ever, which has been so tiring and weird but a relief too. Two years ago I did nothing else than run, I ran to heal myself from the pain of loosing my Grandma, from the end of a long and meaningful relationship, the changes I had in my life, from the confusion of it all. I ran to feel better, I ran from it, I ran to it, I just ran. And I’ve felt many times that I just ran out of that course in my life, I didn’t have anymore running or anything else in my life. And I felt and have still felt really guilty of that feeling, or not having any interest in doing anything, while so many know me through my running and now I am nothing, in a way, or at least I am not doing anything in that way.

This year has just flew past, it doesn’t feel real, so much has happened and still it feels like no time has gone by. That’s what’s scaring me so much, the realization of how fast time moves on without no care about if we have done anything with it, good or bad, to others or ourselves. And in this world we live in, it feels so often than if you don’t do do do and do something all the time, you are nothing at all. If you don’t have something to show for every damn thing all the time, you basically don’t even exist.

I’ve gotten so tired of that all, the last couple of months I’ve noticed how I have no tolerance for extra pressure if it’s not necessary, and I know now that I have no need to let it in my life, I have the keys to make those lines that others and also myself aren’t allowed to cross. And I do not need to feel bad about taking care of myself like that.

There’s this massive trend of being more all the time, faster, anyfucking thing, just as long as you do it a lot and show it to the world in some way in your media outlets. It gets tiring and has no effect at some point. I feel like I’ve been on both sides of that, and now I notice more often than not that I just don’t feel anything when I see someone posting a positive this or that or how much and fast they’ve been running, it’s just noise to me. And I feel in a way guilty of even letting myself be this honest about it. But I’ve felt that less is more can be so many things, we don’t have to post every aspect of our lives for them to be real, to us, who they should mean the most. The quality of our own lives doesn’t feel as high as it should, we put it out there like it does but does it to us all when we behave like that or do we just grave for the attention to validate our own being through likes?

And there’s this flipside of starting to feel bitter and jealous of it all. You’re surrounded by it all, it comes from every aspect of your life, not only social media and then it starts to feel like it’s suffocating you whole. And doing anything starts to feel like it’s useless because, why should you you’ll never get “there”.

It’s really hard to stay relevant even to yourself when you really don’t do a thing to make the situation better or different, but that’s the thing the pressure to do anything starts to be so massive that it’s easier to be bitter than try. Especially if you’ve had a history of failing as a habit or a way of life, because of those self doubts, those insecurities. What all that drifting further and further from that “Do” Me does is, it fills you with doubts on top of doubts, it pushes you further away from the you, you were before it all landed on you like a thick blanket without you realizing. Climbing back up from there is insanely hard work, especially when you clearly are not who you were but not 100% sure who you are or want to be now. There’s a certain pressure in “getting back up” once you’ve already done it before, whether it is writing or running or whatever. It almost gets harder and not easier, because of the fact that you’ve done it before and it also can make you feel extra insecure, because the biggest step in your way is YOU!

I have too many years in me of getting used to failure and not believing in any way or form that I do deserve the good in life, that it’s really easy to fall on that side of thoughts than remember that positive push you also have in you. But it is like anything else in life, if you don’t practice it enough and make it a habit you forget it and it becomes hard again.

I’ve had to find ways again now to start feeling better, it’s been a long road to recovery in many ways this year. I haven’t wanted to slow down because deep down I knew that when I do, all that I had dusted away will pop up. But I never knew how much will come and to what level I need to dig to start the healing once again. I really needed to slow down to a full stop to see how broken I was. I needed to let myself fall down to see if I still have the fight in me.

After almost a month of morning meditation, which isn’t the easiest thing but I’m really feeling the benefits, and reading actual books a lot, I’m starting to feel like I might have a idea who I am and who I want to be. And there’s nothing wrong that that is nothing who I have been, that’s only a good thing. I am not who I was, I am who I am now. And honestly I am scared shitless. I have no idea what to do, but I know I have to try, even when that is the one thing I wish I could just jump over or crawl under. To behave like I have done and be miserable when it didn’t work like it never did. I don’t know if anyone reads this blog, or if anyone wants to run in my running crew, but those are still two things that seem to make me feel better, so I choose to keep trying.

My insecurities, depression and doubts will always take over me, when I am weaker, but maybe that’s not so bad. I read in one book this thing that said around like this ” our depression often comes to our lives when we need to slow down and stop to evaluate our situation”. I had it bookmarked because it really resonated with me. Maybe depression isn’t only a bad thing, for me it has made me who I am now. Not with the easiest roads but still. So without the struggle who would I be, I have no interest knowing.

Being alone and really slowing down is one of the best things I know. It charges my batteries, and sometimes that takes a lot longer than before but it’s so necessary in this “ON” world of ours. And we don’t need to be able to do and be like everyone else, if someone hustles all the time, let them. But you don’t have to or need to, to be where you feel the best. That is something I need to tell myself quite often, but I’m only a human. And that’s okay.

And here it is, a piece that I just wrote, didn’t think just wrote and didn’t even proofread…

PMA ❤

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Scars That Don’t Want To Heal

471567_10150877147547726_1778206004_oWe’re always evolving, growing. But certain scars take a lot longer to heal than others. Some moments in our past have gone so deep in our soul that it’s almost impossible to be free from them completely. What to do to those scars that don’t want to heal.

There’s huge contradiction between old and new, scars and newly shed skin, having closure and letting go and missing closure and not finding your freedom.

While my past haunts me at times and reminds me of how broken and torn my soul still is, I’m still human and thankful of that exact thing. Moving on and past things that have been so traumatizing, is not easy and especially when you actually want to deal them and not just forget and move on. But there are days when it all feels a bit too much and you doubt your whole being, with thoughts that just don’t make any sense. Like why this is happening to me and did I do something so wrong that I’m paying for my own karma now? Why someone deserves happiness and I don’t? Why someone’s life is so filled with love and I’m here mending my soul?

All of these thoughts make me feel really confused as I have more love in my life these days than ever before. Why some little thing can throw you completely off your course? How you can feel so loved and so alone at the same time? But I think deep down we all yearn to be loved by that one special, even when we know that we’re not alone and are so very loved by our friends and family. And admitting to yourself that you are nowhere close to being ready for any relationship with that special kind of love, because you don’t want to have any old issues when you enter something new, is hard when you feel lonely.

We’re so used to judging others and how they live their lives these days that we forget how big of an impact we’re able to do to someones life with just a simple little joke or comment. Everything is so public that it seems that it’s all free for whatever comes to our minds. And when someone is actually private and keeps their business to themselves we get confused and judge even more.

But at the same time, those people who are honest and brave with who they are and what they are going through, are the biggest inspirations to me. They truly wear their heart on their sleeve, like I feel that I am doing. Maybe I’m opening the door for people to judge me, but I would not want to live my life any other way. This is who I am and I’ve been hiding myself majority of my life and have no interest in doing so anymore. That probably will piss some people off, which is okay to me too, but please keep your judgement and comments to yourself, because in the end of the day they only tell me how you feel about yourself not me.

It’s human to feel hurt and in pain, and it’s human to feel anger towards someone who’s done you wrong. But it’s also very damn human to be able to feel happy for those who have hurt you if they seem happy. To me that shows that I have grown so much and don’t need to keep that pain of hatred in me anymore, but I also don’t need to understand why they did what they did. I forgive but certain things are harder to forget, though at the same time those experiences made me who I am and without them I would not know what I truly deserve and what I definitely don’t. So my intention is to be thankful for all, no matter how damn hard it feels some days.

It’s terrifying how we can hurt each other and how deep scars we can leave behind. The more you talk to and with people there’s this sadness of people treating each other so poorly, puking their own pain and scars to those who love them the most. It all makes it so much harder to trust in love and good, even when you have it in your life through your friends and family, but the void someone has left in you can suffocate the good of others. When someone destroys your soul with their carelessness, it kills the joy in you and you yearn freedom from that weight so bad.

“Freedom! Freedom! I can’t move
Freedom, cut me loose!
Yeah, freedom! Freedom! Where are you?
Cause I need freedom too!
I break chains all by myself
Won’t let my freedom rot in hell
Hey! I’ma keep running
Cause a winner don’t quit on themselves”

Beyonce – Freedom 

No one knows what lies behind the smile that is on my face, no one has the right to judge my why’s, no one who doesn’t know what I’ve been through has the right to doubt my strength and my decisions.

I’m who I am because of my past, I’m proud of myself exactly because of that. I’ve worked so damn hard. I’ve loved even harder and gotten so gut wrenching broken that I wonder to myself how I’m still standing, but I am. Deep in me I know and believe that I deserve love and good in my life, even though how much there’s reasons to doubt that. I have the right to get mad and be honest and open, that is what makes me so damn strong! I smile so wide because of this all, my laughter comes from the deepest depths of my soul because I’ve been hurt so bad. I respect and appreciate my struggle and march in the rhythm of my own drum. And for damn sure, I will love as much I have until now, but I’m not interest in anyone’s half ass attempts of using my time. I deserve better than that!

LOVE. ALWAYS LOVE. PMA. ❤

Ageing. Am I Worthy? Why Is Time Just Flying Past Me?

img_4451I think I’m finally in some kind of age crisis. I turned 32 last Wednesday and couple of months before that and every day after has been just roller coaster of feels. Looking myself completely different than before, feeling like I need to rush to live through all the things “I’m supposed to” and trying to remind myself that I am okay and “still” have time.

There was this funny moment last week, maybe couple of days before my birthday, I was in a elevator and was looking at myself in the mirror and thinking that damn I look older than I thought. And then I came home later and looked at myself again in the mirror and smiled and thought that “you look really nice and beautiful”. This all in the time span of few hours. That kind of sums up how I have been feeling lately with this all, ageing and time flying past me.

It’s a funny feeling when you look at your hands and see that the skin on them isn’t that youthful as it was just a little while ago. Where did the time go?

While at the same time I could not care less anymore what others think about my looks or what and how I do and live my life, I really, really struggle with not letting certain things, opinions and vibes from others going in, so deep that they can ruin my whole day.

How do I learn how to not let others get to me on that level? I’m 32 and struggling with something so simple. There’s this huge controversy with this all. Why not care but care so much at the same time? That’s definitely my main goal in life, to one day not let all of it get to me like that.

But I have these moments of almost looking others like I’m completely standing still in my life and them doing and living and flying past me, and I can only watch them like a movie. Feeling like I’m not doing the right things. Feeling like I’m not “normal” 32 years old. Like I’m supposed to have that relationship and at least one child by now. But at the same time I feel that there’s so many people around me who are in a similar situation as me, feeling as lost and empowered at the same time. Not sure if that is a relief or if it brings even more confusion.

The evening of last Tuesday I turned my phone off, like actually off, deep down wishing and hoping that when I open it in the morning of my Wednesday birthday it will be filled with Happy Birthday wishes and love. And that is me being completely honest about how I really, truly, wished to happen.

And then when I woke up in the morning… there was one message, from a person I hadn’t had any communication for many many years. That made me feel super sad and alone and a bit embarrassed how bummed I was. I told about that all to my little Sister, and she looked at me really funny and slapped me gently on my fore head for that all. Which obviously kicked some sense in me, but at the same time I realised how basic human feeling that was, not wanting to feel alone and unloved on your birthday. In a way, I didn’t have anyone who “had” to remember my birthday outside my family. Of course I wished that my closest friends remembers it but they don’t have to, and for some reason I knew that they love me even if they don’t remember.

And few hours later, my phone was just buzzing with wishes. With words and photos in them that made me full on tear up and feel like the biggest idiot. So my feelings went from one to completely another end of the spectrum in one day. In the end I actually had the best birthdays I’ve ever had. I felt so loved and grateful in the end of it all. But it definitely made me think about this all. Because in the end it’s only one day. And I needed all of those reminders that I am good enough and lovable and that so many people really really care about me.

Why do we always feel that we’re not enough or worthy? Why is it so easy to think that about ourselves? Why all of sudden we feel old when we really still have loads of life ahead of us? Is it that we think that we’re done already? Why the doubt?

“She wants somebody to love
To hold her
She wants somebody to love
In the right way
She wants somebody to love
To hold her
She wants somebody to love
In the right way
She wants somebody to love
To kiss her
She wants somebody to love”

Zayn – She

Lately I’ve gotten very public reminders of my worth. From people who genuinely know my darkest parts, those that make you feel that you’re not worthy about yourself. I’ve always been good at helping others see and remind them of their worth but then I stumble this hard at times with seeing it myself. A forever struggle.

Maybe it’s part this year and the last year and what happened. Maybe the fact that I had to pick my pieces and really look myself in the mirror and admit that I didn’t do anything wrong and at the same time admit what I need to change to be okay and not let those hurtful things happen again. There are moments in our lives when we just stand in front of something bigger than ourselves and feel so damn small that getting past that feels too big of a task. I’ve been in that lately. The fact that my health issues and the wait for the operation on my wrist just flipped the whole year upside down. Me turning that obstacle to a challenge that I want to see more good than bad in. Me realising how much I love and yearn to be alone and at the same time miss and yearn being loved by that one special. It’s a weird combination of feelings. I realise that I am ready and that I’m not there yet. Maybe this is a good place to be, because honestly I don’t think we can ever really be ready.

I hope that I can find a balance in this all. I want to embrace this journey that is ageing and my life. Being okay with what it brings. Not feeling like I am not worthy no matter what has happened in my past. I have so much love to give and to receive. I want to learn and be in peace with patience. I want to take my life with no rush but jump bravely when it feels like that, like I’ve done before. I want to see myself how others see me, at least at times. Because even I know that I am enough and lovable and amazing!

PMA ❤

Samsø Ultra – When Running Is Just Running With A Side Of What Happened?

IMG_8193Sunburned skin, legs filled with scratches from knee deep wild rose bushes, body feeling like it’s really worked hard for something that means so much, head feeling tired and humbly proud.

I’ve never really raced in my life, never really put my body to a test like I did last Saturday at Samsø Ultra.

I’m writing this all through a haze of after race blues, that funny feeling that doesn’t make any sense, but is still there. But after that race I’m not even surprised, because I went to a whole new level of myself there. I wasn’t that nervous the days before, a bit the evening before but slept good, and then the start line was in front of me with all the people and me alone. And that was the moment when I realized that my friend, who was supposed to run the race too wasn’t going to be next to me. I wanted so badly to get his legs good before the race, not because I thought that I might need to run alone, just the fact that I really didn’t want him to hurt and be injured. And then it hit me, I’m going to run a race alone for the first time, I’ve always had friends around me. And I was so insanely afraid. IMG_8182

The first 5km or so, I was in pretty dark place, I kind of wanted to stop running, I was afraid that I’m going to be last, AGAIN, my legs felt like led and like there’s nothing in them to push on.

And then the route just went over this huge grass hill and on top of that all I could do was look around and feel so small in the best possible way, and then it hit me, goddamned I’m lucky to be here. I was just smiling like an idiot, thinking that I need to go on because I wanted to run the race for my friend.

The first 20km was so hard, so insanely hard. It was like running in some ridiculously beautiful Hobit country, with all the sheep’s and cows and horses around you, with huge hills going up and down. I got lost and was really happy that so did these amazing gentlemen that I ended up running quite a lot of the way. First pitstop I just flew past, yes I wrote flew because that’s how I felt. I started feeling strong even though my calves felt so bad with all the climbing and more to come. All the way to the third pitstop I went alone, and then I got company from Ke, the only other international runner. And we went together all the way to the last pitstop which was really nice. Huge thank you to him!IMG_8185

And then I got lost again, at least not only me! It might have been the most beautiful place in the world to get lost though, felt like a mountain goat trying to get forward through this thick wild rose spike bush hill. That was the moment I realized why the organizer wrote in the info that we should wear long pants or socks, obviously I didn’t. Bruised summer legs FTW! Thank you to that super nice gentleman to picked me over an electric fence when we realized that we are in a “bit” wrong side of it. I think after that I really started racing, no idea why, but I was going like I’ve never done before.

I was running with these nice gentlemen and thinking am I able to keep up with them, but ended up saying to myself that just keep going, you got this. And I just kept going, and started feeling stronger and stronger, which felt, to be honest, really weird. I wasn’t expecting that to happen after almost 30km. And my mind clearing from everything, it was just silent, maybe that’s runners high, no idea, but it was so nice. Silence of all the doubts that I’m so used to.

Never not time for new friends :)

Never not time for new friends 🙂

After pitstop 4 I called to my friend just to know if I could see him soon, and the idea of seeing him in some time made me just push on. And in silence we ran next to each other with Ke. The rhythm of our steps felt really good. And I just felt so strong. My belly felt super good, no problems at all.

IMG_8208

This is how happy you look when seeing your friend at around 35km 🙂

And then I saw my friend, the joy in me was just bursting, a hug at that point felt crazy good!

After that I felt like I’ve never felt before, I started racing for the first time in my life. I was tired and hurting a bit but I just put those on the side and kept going. The next time I saw my friend he was blasting this song from his car and let me tell you, that stuff gives you the biggest boost, even when the song is ridiculous but it made me smile so big that I didn’t know that it’s possible. And I just did my pitstops super fast and kept going with Ke. That was a huge change to my last Ultra in Bornholm, where I had to sit down and really gather some strength in myself. Now I felt like Sally Mcrae looked at last years Western States. She’s pretty great motivator on a race, I noticed, even if it’s in my mind.

I think I really started thinking that I could do a time that I had in mind in Bornholm when I got to the 42,2km pitstop. I had something like 15km to go, so I wasn’t that sure if I could do it. Not before I got to the last pitstop and heard that I have little over an hour to do a 10km. I have no idea what happened, I just charged on and left my race running buddy behind. I just went for it. I kept saying to myself that you got this, yes it will hurt but you can do it easy! Kept thinking about Sally Mcrae and just pushing on. I’ve never in my life felt that strong, ever. I’ve never pushed myself like that in my life. It felt terrible at times, my body was so tired from the heat and the fact that I had run more than ever before, continuously, in my life. But I just kept going, no matter how it felt, because I’d decided that I will get under that time. At one point I remember thinking that it’s not that bad if I can’t make that, and also remember how I almost yelled at myself that you’re not fucking doing that shit now! I was so determined! I actually used anger as my fuel, never done that before either.

Around 35km :)

Around 35km 🙂

Once I saw that I have 1km to go, I picked up my pace, which just felt so bad but still. Saw this man and just yelled at him that am I far? His answer was the best thing at that point, I just had to push on a little more and then I’m there. And that last bit was the hardest I’ve ever done and it felt like the longest road ever. That moment when I saw my friend and he said where I need to go and ran next to me and said that I’m getting under my goal, that’s my favorite. I started pushing myself even more, just wanted to get there and get it done.

The moment I got to the finish was insane, I felt like my legs are going to give up and it took me quite some time to get myself breathing at least a bit normal. And that was the moment when I realized that I did what I wanted for the last 15km. I had managed to run my race under 7 hours 30min. That meant for me that I had done over 2 and half hours better than in Bornholm.

It also meant that I was the Female Winner in my distance, and 3rd overall in it too. And my official time was 7:27!IMG_8210

I still, couple of days afterwards, feel a bit surreal about this all. I’ve never been like I was during that race. I’ve never raced in my life. I was mentally so strong, so goddamned strong. I managed to do something that I never thought I could really do. Maybe that was the moment what I knew when I started running in the first place, that I would be good at running long. Now I knew that I could be good at exactly that, if I give myself a chance. I’ve never really gave myself the chance to show what I really have inside of me. I’m so humbled by the race. It showed me that me, that I’ve wanted to believe is inside of me. I was able to just run, which I wanted to do. Because in the end, it’s just running. Something I kept saying to myself during the day. I’m also finally giving myself some credit for something I really should. I am really proud of myself, I really am. I remembered to enjoy it all and have fun and even stop if something was that amazing. And I could not done it without my friend, just the fact that someone was there for me, is insanely important. The fact that he knew how to make me smile and said just the right things to make me believe in myself more. That’s priceless! Thank you so much for that! ❤

I think I learned pretty big lesson of myself during that race. I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for. I’ve gone through so much in the last year, that where I am now and what I am able to do, is pretty amazing! While I type those words I feel like I’m talking about someone else, but I just have to own this all. Because I did it!

Thank you so much to my support extraordinaire Bjørn, without you it would have been boring and very hard day at the office! Thank you to all my family and friends for your words and support! Thank you to my sponsors! I hope I made all of you as proud as I’m trying to be here :).

PMA ❤IMG_8192

Ready For My Next Ultra Race Or Am I?!

IMG_8088“Appreciation is born through struggle.” – Unknown

A week to go, then I’ll run my third trail Ultra. I haven’t trained like I planned, life got in the way of it all. But does that even matter?

Lately I’ve been talking and heard people talking more about running than probably ever before. I am surrounded by passionate people who have goals and races they want to conquer and push themselves to. They are about pace and times, they love the things that make me cringe.

I’ve also felt at times like I am on the defense side of talking about how I run. Or why I even run. Why don’t I want to be faster? Or why don’t I want to run more road races. In another way it’s been really interesting to hear other peoples views about this whole thing. We all have our reasons, we all have gone through different paths to be where we are now. And to me, the person who is the last in the race is even more amazing than the one winning or able to run crazy fast time. Do you know what it takes to be the last? I do.

After Fyr til Fyr, I wanted to do better, I wanted to be better, I wanted to be stronger and figure out the things that went wrong there. I had a plan, for the first time ever. I started it, while knowing that I need to move my life to Copenhagen for myself. I was excited and terrified at the same time, still am. But then life started happening, more and more, and my free spirited self didn’t want to have a plan to follow and take the enjoyment out of the one thing that keeps me sane in the time of confusion. So in a way I threw that plan out the window and just enjoyed the ride.

This past week I’ve been asked about my race next week a lot, and I’ve kind of been just like yeah all good, I’m ready. Until last Monday I checked my calendar and realized that oops, it’s next week. Oh well, that’s me. That also shows how I’ve been happily just living my life, with all the ups and downs, and running on feeling. But then it came, that feeling of what I am doing in a week? I hadn’t checked the race or anything to do with it in a really long time. I just knew that I had a little run to do on that one Saturday on that small island.

I started questioning myself and what I’m doing, am I really ready, or have I done any of the things I wanted after Fyr til Fyr? Have I? Hmmm, I have no idea.

Well, that’s not completely true. I know I’m ready, mentally I’m really open and strong, even stronger than I was at the last race, that ripped me open and cleared my head. I think that’s something I’m really waiting, the ripping even more open and showing me what’s inside of me and what I really want from myself and my life. Physically I’m way stronger than I was last time, really, not because I’ve been doing what I was supposed to, but because I’ve given my body the time it needs to get better and stronger. I’ve ran with crazy tired legs and embraced the discomfort. And I know that it’s only temporary, if I do it all smart. Not over. I’ve also face planted twice in the last week, with good amount of cuts and bruises covering my body. So whatever is coming, I’m pretty much ready. Lovely, tanned girly summer legs are gone already… The ones that show that I’ve lived and hopefully learned are here :).IMG_8019

I’ve been reading a lot about different runners lately, how so many amazing Ultra runners have burned themselves completely out with having the pressure of their peers pushing the level higher and higher. I’ll attach this amazing article about over training in the end of this piece.

But the thing is, what I’ve learned the hard way, that if we really don’t listen to our bodies, they will stop us, one way or another. I injured myself with over training badly about two years ago, and I was out from running for a good three months. A time that made me face myself in a whole new way. I could either collapse under it all or I could learn what’s going on in my body and be smarter in the future. That was also the time when I promised to myself that running is what I do, not who I am. Something that I think is pretty crucial, even though without running I wouldn’t be here anymore. But it can’t be this lifeline for us.

“If you’re disappointed by running, then it’s not running that you’re actually disappointed, it’s yourself. You have to love who you are, because it’s what you got, it’s all you got. And you have to be grateful for that as well, I’m learning.” – Anna Frost  

The runners that I look up to, or feel kindred spirit to, are the ones who’ve struggled with something in their lives and came from that with a new view on this all. Anna Frost is definitely one of them. There’s a video from Salomon about her and her search for home, something I know quite well. The way she speaks about the search and how her over training got her in such a bad place that she didn’t know how to get out and didn’t want to run at all, makes me cry every time I see that clip. Sometimes someone can explain exactly how you feel, and it hits you so hard and deep that the tears just fall.

In the same way as I felt when I watched Sally Mcraes Western States journey, one of my favorite running films. The way she’s gone through things in her life, makes me feel like I’m not alone. And that’s really important. Both of those inspirational ladies talk about way more than just running. And that is the thing that is important to me.

Also the fact that they both look like me, in that sense that they are muscular and curvy and real woman without looking too dry, and for me to see women like they are is super important.

So the same gut feeling that I had when I knew that I need to move back to Copenhagen, it’s exactly the same about running Ultra distances just when I started running. I knew back then that I have that kind of tenacity in me, a side that’s willing to dig deep and go to those places where it’s not too nice, but so very real. I might never be as good as some people doing those, but I do not care. I’m doing it for myself, to peel those layers off and be open to who is under all of them.IMG_8077

The me that I have been after that last race, has been a lot to take. I’ve really been so honest and open and loving as I was straight after the race. It’s a state of being that is not the easiest all the time. In the little time that I’ve been in Copenhagen, I’ve gone through things and emotions, that make this time feel so much longer than it’s really been. I still wouldn’t change any of them away, I rather be willing to get hurt than not live. I am willing to feel the discomfort of uncertainty than be in control. I am willing to still love until I know that it’s not right. I am willing to miss the ones that I love the most, to show myself that I am filled with good and love. I am willing to get mad and let it all out, but I am also so very proud of myself for being me to the fullest. I am definitely living like I wanted, with all that I have. That’s how I’ve been running too, with all those emotions rushing through me. From frustration to anger to blissfully happy to exhaustion that makes you realize you’ve gone way over your own limits, and ending up being so proud of it all.

Next weekends race, I have no idea how it’s going to go. I don’t have a time goal, I learned from the last that anything can happen. I do want to finish the race, under the 9 hour cut off time. I do want to have fun and see what’s around me. I do want to enjoy what it has in store for me. So I am ready for it, when I really think about it, I am ready.

“If you wish to be a warrior, prepare to get broken. If you wish to be and explorer, prepare to get lost. If you wish to be a lover, prepare to be both.”

PMA ❤

Running on Empty – Over Training article on Outside Online