Embracing The ME I Am Right Now

wp-1477852857055.pngIt’s taken me some time to come to terms with who I am right now, and how much I love the Me right now. It’s weird feeling, I’ve never felt this good with all of me and my life in general before. I’ve always yearned and hoped and wished for this kind of feeling and now I have exactly that in my life, made by me. I really feel that I’m giving myself a chance to really embrace who I am right now, no apologies or anything. Me.

Before I wrote a lot here, I journaled all that I was going through, I felt that it was the best way to get it all out. And for a long time it was, it was who I was and could stand behind with no hesitation. But lately, more so this year, I’ve felt that I want to take a step back with it all, with all that’s been in my life. I needed to quiet down my life, in all areas, to find who I am and be okay with all of it.

I’ve been about the less is more life for couple of years now, in a way searching what it means to me. And I’m on that path still but found out what it really is right now. I’ve read a lot, which means that I’ve learned a lot, and that has helped me with how I feel about certain issues and what I personally want to do to them in my life.

One thing that was massively important to me when I moved to my own place, was to be able to fully be the one who decides what products to use around the apartment. I remember the day I got the keys and went to buy some cleaning products and how happy it made me to be able to choose the ones I wanted, the ones that are cleaner and at least a bit better for the nature. Sometimes it’s that simple of a thing that can spark your being slowly back to it’s “who am I?” gear to the right direction.

I’ve also really started to think more about the food I am eating and what it does to me, but also a lot of what it does the environment. I’ve noticed that when I live alone, I tend to go back to my vegan ways. I’ve been pretty much vegetarian for a long time, but sensing how I want to go back to those ways that truly felt the best for me and my body. And that are truly the best for the world too. A thing that is important to me, as I feel that why should any animal suffer in any way for my satisfaction when it’s not really even doing that. I feel better and I’m not harming any one while choosing this, a win – win situation.

Back when I originally started my journey to better health, especially mental health and finding ways to feel better as a whole, it was a selfish want that sparked it all. It was because I felt and was overweight and didn’t like how I looked and how that made me feel. That was the root reason for my want to change. As the time has gone by, I’ve gone from one end to another and back again and to this. But what has changed that I know more, and it’s getting harder and harder to just push the knowledge to the side and keep going like it doesn’t exist. They say that ignorance is a bliss, and in a way it is, but at what cost. I’ve been asking myself that a lot this summer. It’s really easy to be selfish and only think of your own happiness.

I think my less is more mentality has grown to take over all areas of my life, and it feels really good. I find that when I calm my life down to a level where I am strong enough to really say what I want and don’t want, to make those hard decisions without doubt in me, then I get closer and closer to my true self. I’ve started to question my decisions in a whole new way and found answers that I didn’t think I would have the courage to say even to myself. If I’ve always been honest, I’ve really been honest to myself now.

I can say that it’s one of the best feelings in the world when you are completely happy with your life and You. Like I said, I’ve wanted this moment or feeling in my life my whole life, but I’ve also been afraid of who that me really is and how it all could really feel.

This is all a funny tangle of things, but it basically all comes down to me enjoying life in the simplest of ways. I absolutely love being on my own and just read or watch interesting documentaries or movies or some ridiculous reality show. I love that I don’t feel anymore that there’s something wrong with me needing that much time alone, because I’ve felt for so many years that there was something wrong with me. That me being really sensitive is a fault in me, when it’s actually a strength.

For me right now living and enjoying my life in the simplest of ways means that I choose to buy foods that are organic and good for me and the environment, to challenge myself in finding ways and products in all areas of my life to be cleaner, to get rid of all that I truly don’t need and keeping my home simple and uncluttered.

I want to challenge myself in ways that I haven’t before and take myself further in the search of Me.

Right now for example, I am challenging myself to find clothing brands that are sustainable and ethical, while maintaining the style I’ve come to feel Me. I’m not going to buy any fast fashion anymore, the only things I’m still “allowed” to buy outside of this challenge are underwear and certain sports items, if I really can’t find alternatives to them. The thing is that I’ve bought so little clothes this year that where I’m starting is situation that I actually need new clothes, but I rather keep wearing the ones I have now than buy something that doesn’t feel right. And I’ve noticed that the less you cave in the less you feel the need. I’m happy that my general style is very simplistic and classic in a way and that I rarely feel like I want to jump to different hype styles. But the main thing in this challenge is that I want to show myself that having this style is possible in ethical and sustainable way too.

I strongly feel that it’s good to consider the whole picture of our actions and not just what feels the best for you. I’ve found myself thinking a lot that if it’s important to me that I use clean skin and hair care products, and eat clean food, then why don’t I only buy clothes with the same mindset or all else we need in our lives. I don’t think that it can’t be a whole “deal” and that you need to be without something because of this mindset. I think it’s just more about finding ways to make it work. And right now, I want to challenge myself with it and show that I can do it.

What this all really boils down to is Me feeling better and better with less is more as a whole life mindset. Being 100% okay with who I am and not being uncomfortable to face my fears or insecurities. Loving the life I am living right now and not thinking jealously that why is someone else having this or that and why am I here just being bitter of their success.

I’ve found ways to find more peace in my life, from meditating every morning, to eating cleaner, being extra gentle to myself in this once again new chapter of my life, being active in a calm way, learning more by reading and really tackling that as it is a thing I absolutely love.

I’m happy that I don’t have to be the same person I was couple of years ago, that would be sad and also impossible. I am happy that I’ve gone through a lot of heartbreak and struggles, because that’s why I am the Me I am right now. What I can do now, is to live my life the way I really want to, not saying I’m sorry in every turn, setting boundaries with what feels right and what wrong and standing with them strong. I know that not all of my decisions will make some people in my life happy, but I have to put myself first and think of my own wellbeing as my number one goal. Because when I feel good with myself, I am able to be more to others and to this world.

You’ll be seeing this new challenging chapter here too, hope you’ll enjoy it as much as I do.

PMA ❤

29 Days of Gratitude – Day 18

Photo by Markus Kontiainen

Photo by Markus Kontiainen

This will be simple.

I am grateful today for the uncertainty that life throws at you.

It’s not something that is easy to be grateful for, but I had to admit to myself that that’s exactly what I need to be. I need to embrace the uncertainty and feel it and ask for help and think what I can do with it.

” Lord knows that you can’t trust your head, when you’re standing on the edge.”

– Sia – Footprints

This time I am learning. I am moving forward. I am taking the moment, the day, the day as it comes. Trying not to overthink something that I just don’t have an idea of yet. Before I actually know the facts. Easy, definitely not. Necessary, definitely yes.

Be grateful of the uncertainty. Just be. You’ll understand later why.

PMA ❤

Embracing Your True Self Is Really Hard And Really Amazing At The Same Time

IMG_1506Finding who you are, is hard work. Going deep and really facing yourself, changing what needs to be changed for yourself to be truly you and happy, and in the end embracing your true self, the one that has been kicking and screaming under all to get out and show you how amazing you really are.

I am in this turmoil of Me. I’m on that edge of the cliff to be the Me I am, that I’ve been working towards, but there’s that last part to be okay with.

Me moving back to Finland is definitely part of that last part of this. I need to be okay with this place and then I can finally let go of that weird discomfort and anger I’ve had in me. My new job is making it way easier for me than I thought, damn lucky me!

I’m in a situation where I can finally work in a company and people that really push me forward, appreciate me and my skills and actually tell that to me directly. I am beyond happy about that. Majority of my life at the moment is more than good, wouldn’t change anything but there’s one that is able to take me down at times, right now.

The thing is as simple as me gaining some weight after the Copenhagen Marathon and my face plant with my bike that left me a bit unable to do anything for a while. I also completely lost my interest in running for some time. And for the first time I have a job where I actually like to look good and me and be representable. Or more like that I have a chance to be me and look like I really do. And all of sudden my clothes don’t fit to me and I just want to hide myself, something I did before my work with myself started. I hate that feeling I have now.

I hate that I feel uncomfortable now with my skin, after I worked so damn hard to not feel like that, to feel comfortable with myself and in my skin. I hate that I feel that I want to hide myself and my body. I’ve done that for so many years of my life and last summer I was finally in this place with myself that I was confident and proud of myself and didn’t feel that I need to hide anything anymore. I know that I will be back in that “place”, but the feeling I’ve had now just kicks my ass and not in the right way at all.

I know that the change isn’t big, but it’s big enough to make me feel like shit at the changing room when I try to buy some pants. I’m one of those who get all the extra on their hip/ass area, but not at all in that delicious way that my ass would just got rounder, naa…

It’s also been a time in my life when I’ve realised my age. That I need to work more constant and regularly not just at times, my body bounces back to old way faster than to that hard worked toned one. I need to be consistent in what I do, eat and how I live. Maybe this was a good reminder in that.

All in all, I am in this first time ever moment in my life, I don’t feel that I need anyone in my life, I am finally enough to me. I don’t really feel like my life would be any better now with someone in it. I’m not ready for anything really now, I need to really deal and get rid of some stuff that was done to me in my last relationship.  But the content and happy feeling about myself is the best feeling, the fact that I am more than okay with myself. It’s almost relieving that I don’t feel that it would be nice to have someone in my life now. It’s nice to have this freedom all to myself. To not feel like I need to care about anyone else than myself. Maybe it sounds rude to someone, but I’ve wanted to feel this good with myself for so so long that I do not care.

There was this amazing Instagram post I saw this morning, it so accurately summed up how I feel now about everything. IMG_1610

I’m also in a situation with my work that I’ve never been before, I’m the oldest one there and the only single one, so in the beginning it felt almost funny, but I’ve had moments now where it’s almost felt a bit sad. Not sure why, but there’s been this “am I going to be like this long still?”. And at the same time not even wanting anything. Confusing to say the least, or maybe part of life.

To be honest I feel really confused and at peace at the same time. What am I even supposed to think of that?!

I love this me who is confident in her life, at least most of the time, I fucking feel like some warrior queen at times, is there anything better?! I don’t like the me who puts myself down for something as ridiculous as feeling like shit because I’ve gained weight when I’ve actually finally lived and enjoyed my life. That is just stupid.

But when you’ve been fighting with yourself and your self worth through your body image as long as I have, it can still be a bit of a rough thing at times. Especially when being in that comfortable skin is as scary as loosing it. It’s a long and constant battle that won’t get easier as I get older, as I need to work for it more than before. Again, maybe this was a good wake up reminder that it really is so, I need to work harder now than before to keep what feels the best.

I know that I will be back in that skin soon again, sooner than it really feels now. I think I needed to feel a bit shit and let myself do a little cry and show myself that all of that hard work really means a lot to me. That I’m not that looser, quitter that I was before, that Me is really dying down, thank goodness!

Everything can’t be all happy and shiny all the time, I need to dig deep and go down at times too. I hope I never loose that, because even though I feel like shit in those moments, I always climb back up from them these days.

Actually it was great to look myself today at the changing room and feel like shit for a second. Because it really was a second. Mostly I felt that I looked better than I thought. If there’s a part of me I’m not happy at the moment, I know that I can change it, that’s simple.

I love that I’m finding and embracing my worth these days. Finally getting pissed about people treating me shitty. Finally not caring that much if someone only texts me when I haven’t been active on that. It’s easy to find those people who really should be in your life when you don’t need others to make you happy.

It’s liberating to be able to be mad at someone who treated you bad and let myself feel all those feelings that I’ve denied from myself for so long. To say that “fuck you for being shitty to me and using my kindness for your own good”! To just let it out and move on. IMG_1550

So the point of this all is that embracing your true self is the best, deleting toxic people from your life is the best, believing and working hard towards something and everything is the best, going through bad relationship can be the best wake up to your own self worth, it’s okay to feel like shit at times, just as long as you don’t drown in that, remind yourself of your amazing self and how damn hard you’ve worked!

DO YOU. LOVE YOURSELF. REMEMBER HOW HARD YOU’VE WORKED. STAY WHO YOU ARE BECAUSE YOU ARE AMAZING! PMA ❤ OWN WHO YOU ARE. BE PROUD OF YOURSELF. DO THAT QUEEN SHIT THAT MAKES YOU FEEL ALIVE.

Warrior Queen song to end this and power you to some warrior moves to shake all the negativity off!

(Body)Positive

Let me tell you, that shit is hard! To think positive about your body, your temple, your buddy for life.

We don’t always get along, at all… There are days when you look in the mirror and it’s impossible to see anything good, then there are days when you only see good. The latter ones are what I wish to see more, when I look in the mirror, just look at myself and see good.

This post is not about me hating my body, because that would be a lie. I don’t hate my body, I really like mine. But it’s more like a pressure from outside that makes me feel like shit at times. This weird wordless pressure. You push it away and don’t think about it, but sometimes it goes in through your skin and you just feel shitty about some small thing, which might grow to bigger out of nowhere.

I’ve been little low on motivation, when it comes to running and keeping myself on top of my game. It somehow started start of this year and just kept going and going and not letting me be free from doubt. I’ve obviously had good moments and days, but there’s been this underlying of negative doubt. That has made me loose my grip on my food choices and my want to push on with my training with positive attitude. So it’s been a bit of a jo-jo these past months.

And now, I’m in the beginning of my marathon training and it’s been really hard to get going and really enjoy the process. I think I lost my hope when it comes to running and how much it really has done to me. I lost it because so many people didn’t understand that huge change in me and put that passion and importance down, so that it started to be hard to believe that it really had happened. Somehow it was hard to believe in myself when others didn’t see what they wanted to see.

I’ve also noticed that it’s hard for some people to be okay with you to change, to be in a better place, to be happier and more positive. Maybe it somehow makes them feel shittier about something in their own life, I don’t really know. But putting the person down one way or another is something that people love to do. Positivity is not okay in this world. It’s expected but it’s not okay. It’s way better to be little negative about everything and find first the bad and then maybe, just maybe the good.

I feel that it’s so easy these days to put your opinion out there that people totally forget about being respectful of other peoples feelings and that something might not be a joke to them. I am thinking that would all those people who have big opinions ever really say them to your face, in a real face to face situation? I don’t think so, and that bothers me. Why do you need to say something if you wouldn’t say it otherwise…

Back to the body… When you are going through this kind of huge change in yourself as I have the past year, you are really sensitive to comments and reactions from outside, because you are not yet 100% sure how you feel about all of that. Change is hard without all of that but with that it feels at times impossible.

When ever the change has physical activity in it, it makes it okay for people to call you whatever and have great opinions about your choices. All of sudden everyone becomes an expert in exactly what you are doing. That’s just how it goes, no if or buts.

So, I am really happy that I have people that have gone through the same change as me, it makes it a lot easier to push on, not think that you are doing something wrong.

My body, my temple, my buddy for life… I watched couple amazing Tedtalks from Christopher McDougall, about barefoot running. He’s one of my favorite writers and has written this amazing book called “Born To Run”. What he managed to do to me, was that he said in the end of the other video, “first easy and fun, then fast”. That hit me so hard. If you run and especially if you want to run races, people start asking you about your time goals and how fast this and that. That can make you go all “I need to get faster, because!”, but that will surely also take the enjoyment out of your happy place. That has happened to me. And after hearing him saying that, it kind of opened to me. I don’t need to do anything other than enjoy what I like to do, and while I do that I might get faster too, but that is not the goal. The goal is to fulfill the dreams that I have. Because I will get to the finish line, even if I am a bit slower than it would be “cool” to be.

The same morning that I watched the video, I read this amazing article about how we should embrace who we are with all we are, why we are shaming our bodies because someone who fixed a photo with a computer thinks that that’s how we should look. Boom, another great eyeopener!

After those two, I went for my run. I didn’t take my phone like I always do, so I can take a photo during my run. I didn’t want to watch what my pace was, I just wanted to run without any pressure and enjoy it. And after too many months I finally did again! That feeling, amazing!

I was just cheering to myself in my head, I was telling myself how awesome I am, how brave I am, how beautiful I am, just whatever came to my mind.

The thing is that we all have cellulite, we all have wiggly parts in our bodies, we all have something that we would love to change but would that make us any happier? And would it even matter if and when we have something of those?! It shouldn’t.

Random jump, but you get the point… I bought these super nice and cool running shorts. They are called split shorts or in Finland we call them Lasse Viren because he used to run with them on. Basically they are shorts that are a bit open from the side and loose. So when you run they are super free for your movement and flash a bit of bum too. I have been super conscious about  my butt for, well, always. I’ve liked it but the change in your behind while go grow older and go through life changes can be terrifying. Especially if that entails being depressed a lot and eating to your pain. Since my early teenage years I haven’t used shorts at summertime at all. Only couple years ago when I was a bike messenger and felt that my legs looked nice and then this summer.

I was so conscious about my figure and that I had and have cellulite that I thought that others will see that as bad as I. But somehow through running I have gotten angry at that part of me. What does it really matter if I have cellulite, it keeps me warm at winter, I think.

So, the first time I went for a run with those shorts, I felt all empowered. Those tiny split shorts made me feel all powerful, strong, sexy and good! And like my good friend said, if you can go out in those, then others have to give you props :). The thing is that they make me feel better about myself, so I will definitely keep wearing them.

I may not be all that I am expected to be, or whatever, but I am ME. Once I truly get that, I believe that I will be happier everyday.

I think that I am quite great, beautiful, strong, capable, fabulous, sexy, ME.

So I’m going to a better direction with that in mind, slowly getting better, sometimes going backwards but knowing that I can get myself out of that and keep going.

I need to thank you Christopher McDougall, that article on ElephantJournal, this interview about one of my heros, Leigh Gerson, Beyonce for being always an inspiration to me and reminding me of certain things and those split shorts (I have two pairs already 😉 ).

The main thing is that what we need to change is what we have inside, not what we have outside.

That is (Body)Positive!

Here’s links to those Tedtalks and that article, or two of them :).

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/06/bellies-butts-thighs-cellulite-whitney-olivia-wilson/

http://spikesandheels.com/inspiration-leigh-gerson