Healing & Dealing, Dealing & Healing

img_4285I just needed to be by myself, to hear my steps, my breath and silence the exhaustion filled over stimulated mind of mine. I needed to exhaust my physical being so that my mind would calm down finally. I needed to run. I finally needed a run. I just needed that feeling of healing with every step. I started that ever long road of healing and dealing, dealing and healing.

I have been so overly exhausted lately that it’s gone to the point where I don’t even recognize it. My whole being has just wanted a break, from everything. While still feeling happy and excited and positive at times, I’ve also felt so deep rooted pain, hurt and pure anger. And I haven’t really known a way to deal with them, to help myself heal from all that has been bubbling in me. Some of it from years and years ago, some very recent.

I feel that while 2015 was all about running, and healing those broken pieces I had from losses in my life, and that all really empowering me, at the same time it took me to a point where I just didn’t want to run at all. I was tired of it and I wanted something completely new. Maybe I wanted a break from those memories that running has brought in my life. But I really didn’t want to run. At all.

“Contemplation often makes life miserable. We should act more, think less, and stop watching ourselves live.”

This year I’ve very slowly started finding running again, but with a total different mindset. I’m running for myself. I don’t care about times, speed or distance. I just run if I feel like it.

But last weekend and today I felt that I need to run. I needed to be on my own for little over and hour and just listen to my steps. And all of sudden that empowering me started embracing itself tonight. Out of nowhere I felt how I had my old push when going uphill. Running was all of sudden fun again.

I think I’ve forgotten myself so deeply the past half a year or so, that I’ve forgotten why I started doing certain things that I truly love and that make me feel a lot better. I’ve been feeling so lost that the exhaustion of trying to find myself again just dug a deeper hole in me. While at the same time I’ve found those people that truly are the ones I want to keep close and be more social with. I’ve been in this weird situation where I can’t figure out really what feels good and what not, and then out of nowhere those flip sides and I’m all confused again.

Healing and dealing broken pieces in yourself take time, but sometime it all comes after a long time, when you already thought that you’re better from it all. And then it hits you like a tidal wave and you have nothing to say about it, you try to embrace it but in reality you just feel like you’re drowning. That’s how I’ve really felt lately. I want to feel happy and positive again, but I also feel like I have no energy for anything. Nothing.

Those pieces in me have started to move and that makes me feel like I have no control of it. That I have so much pain in me that comes out as anger and hate and anxiousness and just fuck off!

I realised tonight on my run, that I’ve forgotten completely why I started to run in the first place those couple of years ago. I felt so bad back then that I needed some kind of outlet, physical outlet, to calm my over stimulated mind that was trying to heal and deal all those things I was going through with myself at the time. Well… I’m doing the same exact thing now, but didn’t want to let them out in any way. Somehow thought that it’s better if I just try to be with them, not do anything else than just think and sometimes talk about them. That obviously didn’t work out like I intended. I was so fucking exhausted today before I knew that I need to run. I had nothing in me when I put my running clothes on, nothing when I stepped out the door. I felt numb. But after the first hill my mind started clearing. My head started popping ideas, writing topics and memories like it did before, before I forgot why I run. And for some time I forgot everything, I just ran. I felt the crispy cold air on my face. I only heard my steps and my breath. I was starting to be in peace again. I started to feel myself again. I needed to run, to remember why I run, to feel alive again, to feel like I need to write to feel better again, to feel so physically tired that my mind let’s me sleep without crazy animated dreams, to let that anger and hate out, to feel empowered, to feel that I can do it all again, to feel like I have nothing to be afraid of again, to remember who I really am again, to love again.

Life is filled with ups and downs, some of us has them more and the valleys and mountains are a bit lower and a bit higher than others. But if you listen to yourself and what it’s trying to tell you, you will do good. I forgot how to love two things that I love the most. I forgot why running and writing make me feel so good. I forgot myself in the midst of pain and feeling broken. But I’m on my way back.

PMA. ❤

29 Days Of Gratitude – Day 29 The Late Edition

12803124_10153971209752726_7527504342632920985_nWOW!

How time flies and makes you feel like you’ve done nothing even when you know that you’ve done crazy much…

That’s how my last week and last day of my challenge definitely was. So much, too much to be honest.

The things I’ve noticed even more when going gets rough and you feel so small in front of it all, is that with the right people in your life, you’re going to be able to push it through. It took me many many years to realise who are the right people to let close and I’m now reaping the benefits of my mistakes and teachings of those mistakes. Life is about learning, day in day out, and this matter with people isn’t any different.

I love how the ones I have the closest know exactly what I’ve gone through and in their own way can reflect it all. The fact that you’re able to be long without talking and then when you do, it feels like no time has passed. That is the best, and those people are worth keeping close.

What I’ve learned this past month is that life has a way of almost testing you until you admit what is right and what wrong, it will steer you to your right path with the right people to do what you’re supposed to do. And it’s up to you if you’re going to listen and learn or keep going and fight and fight against it all. The uncertainty of it all is actually a gift to be embraced. We only have this moment, not before or next, just now. And that is definitely something I am learning to believe and let be, to make myself appreciate truly this moment.

I can plan something in my future and I can have goals and work towards them, I can have dreams and wishes, but I just have to be patient with whatever it is and see how life goes on.

The things that are important to me now are so different and also so the same as I had before this past month. But the thing I wanted to gain from it was to be more positive and be able to let go of the negativity I held so close to me. I’ve noticed a difference in myself and I’ve also surprised myself with my openness and bravery, and how insanely relentless and strong I am. Something I seem to forget so often.

One thing that I’m 50% struggling and 50% embracing, is the fact that the past is past and I can’t let it define who I am now, because I am so far from who I was back them. My mistakes from my past are with me in certain things still in my everyday life, but I am not the same and that makes the difference. I am working and have been working hard to be better than I was before, and I know and want to believe that I’ve succeeded in that. And will keep working till my last day here. We are a work in progress forever. And I think that’s the best part, we can never be ready or done. We have to trust in what we are at that moment and see what happens.

Whenever I’ve felt the most exhausted and felt lost and like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, I’ve managed to in the end got out and be better and stronger than before. And I’ve realised that damn, that was the exact thing I needed to do and go through to be where I am now. So thank you February for almost kicking my ass, I expect you showing me something amazing in my near future ;).

LOVE. PATIENCE. GRATITUDE. EMBRACE YOUR STRUGGLES AND TRUST YOUR JOURNEY. PMA ❤

 

Running – Away From Something Or Towards Better?

Forever the lone wolf...

Forever the lone wolf… Photo Kent Steen Handlos

I haven’t been writing about running in a long, long time. But my move made me think the whole thing in a new way.

When you’ve been running as alone as I have, it’s a huge change to have people around you doing what you love and find peace from. And I’m finding that really difficult.

One of the main things for me when I moved was that I would finally be able to run with friends and other people, to get better as a runner and push myself a bit more, without forgetting the fun in it all. Well, I don’t think things have gone really like I thought.

But when I moved, I didn’t realize, as you always forget the pure stress of all the new, that my feelings and how I take running as a stress release will change too. I have been running for quite long for the fun of it and at times pushing myself that tad more and seeing some changes in myself. But I’ve also been running completely alone and that has made me take those moments as almost a bit holy, my time. Running with others for me is not only about getting used to different pace or having people around me. It’s about sharing something that is my savior with others, in a way that doesn’t really feel comfortable. I have to be willing to compromise in a thing that is so important part of my journey and a way to heal myself. And to be honest, I’m not sure if I want that. That might sound really weird but still.

Just as our lives move forward, we use running in different ways to deal with different situations. I’ve used it as a superficial way to lose weight, to run away from pain, to ease stress, to tire myself, to ease the mess in my head, to remember why I even am here, to make me fall in love with myself, and so many different ways. And I’ve pushed myself too much with the pressure of others, the type that actually comes from yourself, to a limit that I have injured myself and really realized why and how much I love running, when I couldn’t do it.

Lately I’ve been running way more than I used to, not always even sure why. It wasn’t like someone was making me do it. Of course, yes, I have my next Ultra race in just couple of weeks, so it would be nice to feel good about that. But I don’t want to run if it feels like a chore that I need to do, not something I want to do. The moment it feels like shit, I will take a break and ask myself what’s really going on. No interest in doing something that doesn’t in the end feel fun.

I’ve written before about how we should stop being so concentrated on the pace, or the finish times or how many kilometers we train per week, in the end none of those matter. And they can also make some of us feel like shit, so please stop. Some can even be too intimidated for entering the whole fun of running because of that pressure. And with saying this all, I don’t mean that I don’t respect people who are in to training hard and putting the work, but they also have to respect the people that have different approach to the whole thing. Not everyone wants to PR all the time, some just want to run and have fun, if the times improve while at it that’s a bonus, but seriously it just doesn’t matter.

So yes, I don’t have any idea how much I train every week, I do track my runs with a watch, but still I couldn’t give you any kind of answer about my week kilometers. I just run. I don’t have a plan, I try to follow one and always find myself doing what feels best for me. I want to improve but not with the cost of running becoming something I don’t even want to do.

Now, after running in a familiar place for the last 9-10 months, I’m in a situation where everything is new all the time. And if that wouldn’t be exhausting in general, it’s in running too. I don’t know where to run and not have to think at some point where the heck I am. So I’ve been definitely missing the way you can run when you just know where you are and where to go.

Also, I’ve really pushed myself in running with others, but for some reason it just doesn’t feel right. I’m sorry, maybe it’s my introverted self, but my max seems to be one to two people. When there’s more, I start feeling this pressure of being able to run faster and this and that, and I hate that feeling! There’s few people here that I absolutely love to run with, because we don’t have to talk all the time and it’s still comfortable. They are not in a hurry with the pace and run for the same reasons I do. To clear our heads and be in peace.

Yes, I also know that I’ve been here only for couple of weeks and my mind might change about having more people around me, but as of now with all the other life stuff around me, couple might be my max.

To be honest, I don’t know anything better than to run next to someone you are so comfortable with that you just run in silence, your steps are in sync and it’s this zen like moment. Then even the fact that you might be pushing yourself a bit more than normally, doesn’t feel bad. Or you don’t think if the distance is too much. But that doesn’t really happen with that many. So maybe that makes it better. It’s not some convenience store bag of chips, it’s special.

So, yeah I’m not a big fan of fast pace and not enjoying the journey. I respect people who run like that but it’s just not for me.

Another thing that I’ve had to understand here is that when I run, away from pain or exhaustion or confusion, my body usually knows better. And obviously I didn’t realize how exhausted of this all new I was, before I felt physically ill when I was running. I had a run last weekend, where I just wanted to puke. Or like yesterday, when I face planted majestically in a forest, pissed off by the pace of others and the fact that I couldn’t keep up and not feel like shit. So in short, the stress we carry in our minds will come out as a physical reactions through our bodies. Listen to your body, is not a joke. And give yourself time to be sad, hurt, terrified, alone or whatever is needed. Not feeling okay is okay too, just as long it’s not a constant situation.

I guess, at the moment I’m both running away from certain things in my life but at the same time healing myself, and dealing those issues and moving forward and towards better.

PMA ❤IMG_8020

When Stoke Level Is Just Below Zero

IMG_7995And here it is, the exhaustion of it all, of all the new and the try and just tiredness.

I’ve been in this place before, this is not the first time I have this feeling and this bullshit exhaustion in me. It comes every time I’ve moved to somewhere new, hell it comes sometimes even without the move.

I’ve been pushing on like no other, really liking the push, being able to forget that I might get tired of it too. Somehow you always forget how much this all takes out of you. All the new, all the new places, the people, all the questions of this and that about why you moved. And there comes a time when you would love to say “can I live?”. Nothing mean or negative, because it’s really nice that people care and are interested, but being on this side it can get a bit much.

Moving countries is never a walk in the park, or if you’re able to do it like that, you are definitely a super human and I don’t know how you do it. But I’m not a super human, I am me and I get these days when I just have nothing in me, I don’t mean that I want to give up but my stoke level is definitely below zero.

You feel alone as fuck, pardon my french in this post, and that feeling is the worst. Especially when I know that I’m not, but that gut wrenching of feeling alone. I hate that! Fuck I hate that!

You feel like what am I even doing? Why do I have to be the one who fucking follows her heart and jumps to unknown and just believes in all that? Why don’t my heart just be happy with settling and doing what I’m supposed to? But it doesn’t work like that. And I don’t even want to. Even though this is crazy hard at times, I really honestly don’t even want anything else.

You feel like you’re on top of the world and then you fall so hard and then you need to cry it all out and then you feel even more tired and in the middle of that all, you know that it will be okay. The happiness hasn’t left, it’s just taking a break to let the fear of all the new come to the surface. And oh hell, I am so afraid. I am afraid of failing, which I really don’t want to. This is the moment in my life when I don’t want to fail. I know that I can’t give up, and I’m not going to. But I am genuinely terrified! IMG_7773

I’m so stoked for others and there for them, that I tend to forget how much I have going on in my life at times. That happened again, slow learning process I guess… And it feels like you’ve gone through so much and so much time has passed, and you realize that it’s all happened in the last two weeks. So feeling overwhelmed is an understatement.

And there I was this morning with all this inside of me, in a way knowing what is going on and why I feel this tired but not really giving it the chance that it needed. And started my long run with a group of people. And I just felt like shit, nothing to do with my body, my mind was so tired that I almost wanted to puke. I’m so thankful that a friend, whose moved around and is not from here was running with me. The fact that I was able to say how I felt to someone who actually understood how I felt, so needed. But sometimes you need to get it all out, and in my case out of my eyeballs.

On top of this, I’ve always this thing in me, my whole life, that I know when something is happening to someone else. I know it before they say anything, or even realize it themselves. Some see things, I just get this feeling and I know. It can be so exhausting at times. And today it really was. There are days when you just would rather not know anything.

But that’s not life, life doesn’t care if you’ve had a rough day or week or feel tired. It goes on like it has before, and it should. And I never wanted to have a life with no ups and downs. So I am getting exactly what I ordered. Oh the irony!

You will get disappointed by the people you care and trust the most. And even on times when you really wish it would not happen. Friends that have been there for you, are so rapped up in their own that they don’t see or hear when you really need them. And this is the thing with loving unconditionally, you should never expect getting what you give, that’s not love, that’s business. IMG_7922

But it would be nice to have that text that says, how are you, without any reason.

I have this one person in my life, one that I care about a bit more than others. And the fact that having really rough time in their life and not maybe being able to ask that question, they still did. And how grateful I am to have that one in my life. The fact that they just listened, and let all those hopeless tears just pour out of me and still give me that much needed love and reminding me of what I have, and making me feel like I truly am not alone. It makes me tear up now when I think how important that was and is. I hope they understand how important they are to me for that and all the other they bring in my life. All I can say thank you <3.

I have to remind myself, once again, that being nice to myself is equally important as doing that to others. Actually even more. But it’s also okay to feel like this. It’s okay to feel like shit and be afraid and terrified. And it’s important to have patience with those things that are the most important. Give yourself and others time to really realize what’s going on, as it can all get a bit forgotten under the pure pace of things. And ask for help and say when you need a friend.

I might feel all to the max and even a bit over, love like there’s no tomorrow, forgive things that others think that I should never do, but at least I am staying true to myself and being me. That’s the biggest thing for me. I have no interest anymore in regretting what I do or say, because I know I open my mouth only when something worthy comes out. No more fighting against things that make no sense. How ever hard being me is at times, I still do not want to change anything about it. I am still very much blessed to be the me I am today.

So. After all of the shitty feeling, I am thankful for all that happened today and the past days. Hard and exhausting, I would not change a moment of it. These are the moments when I see the change in me and the ones that teach me so much more. And make me realize how goddamn strong I really am. And it happens again, while I type this all, I smile again without no special reason, the happiness is just rising it’s head and the love is pouring in me and out of me. I’m back and actually I was never away, this is me.

PMA ❤IMG_8010