The Funny Thing Is That We Don’t Really Have As Much Time As We Think…

received_10155286336103458.jpegI’ve read those words quite a few times in the past years. It took until end of 2016 and all of 2017 to really deeply understand what they mean. We really need to lose a lot to understand how delicate and short this life of ours is. We love to judge others, no interest in understanding why some do what they do or decide to do with their lives. Why would we when we aren’t really living and doing what we truly want?

I was in a massive stress ball the whole of 2017, wondering at times why I just keep trucking along despite it all. When I lost my Grandpa, I made decisions I knew would set me free. My body was not in a good state because of the amount of the stress, my mind was strong as fuck but my exhaustion levels ran so high that I didn’t even know myself at times. I was just moving forward because I didn’t know anything else. I wanted to handle what I had with a manner that I could stand behind. I roughly saying, deleted people from my life that I needed to be without, knowing that my choices will cause some words, not caring because I knew I’m doing the right thing for myself. The way I handled 2017, I am immensely proud of myself, knowing I’ve made mistakes on the way like normal human beings do but being true to myself and fixing my errors when needed. I lived the year that I thought wasn’t even real at times, with the honesty I didn’t know before I had in me. So can not be anything else than proud.

I read this article today about what and how would we live our lives if we knew that we only have a week left to live? Or 5 years or 6 months? Have you ever thought about those, I have… My last year got me too close to those thoughts. Even though I thought that I’ve lived honestly the past years of my life, I knew nothing. I’m not saying that it’s always needed to lose a lot to see more clearly but shit, when you lose loved ones that shit makes you think. Especially when you lose a close friend whose the same age as you and someone whose been in your life since day 1.

I know that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but that’s completely okay. No problem whatsoever. I’m not living for you or your imaginary friend, I’m here for me and my loved ones, while being good to all who are around me because I have no need to not be nice to you unless you do something that makes me question your being. I do judge at times, I’m a goddamn human, so will never be perfect which is actually really freeing. But I will also be me without compromising, I have no time for that anymore. If you can’t take me, that’s not really my problem, sorry. Basically if I need to sum it up, it’s like this… Fuck expectations, no time for that, do you, be you, stay humbly honest and YOU!

Good friend of mine wrote about how this all glorified freelance life isn’t actually for everyone and how there’s nothing wrong with loving and doing your 9 to 5. I was in the middle of changing my life to what it is now and had been battling with where I should be heading work wise for the past few years, especially after my wrist surgeries. She was able to nail all my feels about who I am and how I have been feeling. I’m forever grateful for her words that came when they came. Partly because of them and this childlike dream, I work where I work now and goddamn love every damn day of it. Yes, it’s still just a month in but damn I’m back to what I love. I am, whether I want it or not, a customer service kind of worker, that’s my jam, that’s where I excel. That’s weirdly in my being and core. I always thought that it’s a thing you do when you’re young and then you need to grow up from it and figure out something grown up to do?! But what the fuck is that?! If you are at your best when helping people, and you can do your job with honesty and sell things that you believe in, why not actually do what you were meant to do? And once I started at my job, I realised how I’ve basically done the same job in different ways my whole life, if I’ve gone away from my path I have been doing really badly, so keep doing you, once again. So, oh hai, I’m your local heritage jeans and boots sales lady. And I love the shit out of my job!

But is there anything I feel I miss in my life, now that I have a dream job and another starting next week? I have dream friends, not many but that’s what I love. Family who supports me.

Well… If you’ve read my pieces longer, you know that I haven’t been the luckiest with love but always been courageous and had a faith in the whole thing, no matter what. But you also have to realise that I’ve been alone for a reason for the past 3ish years. Once you’ve been hurt the way I have and you want to get out better on the other side and not carry the weight of your old pain to something new, you want and need to be on your own to fix your own damn self. Love being who you are alone, and that’s what I’ve done. I have no problem being on my own, this shit rocks, maybe too much at times for my own good. But my heart is still on my sleeve, never left, just questioned if it was smart anymore.

It’s taken me few years to come to a place in my life where I feel that I would be willing to let someone in my life. I don’t need someone but there’s starting to be room for someone in it. I don’t yearn love or someone, but in all honesty I do have moments when I yearn the feel of someones skin on mine, or touch of someones fingers, or cuddles, spooning or hugs from behind. Yeah, those things I miss these days at some moments. And sex, because I’m a grown ass woman who loves her body. Nothing wrong with that.

There’s also this funny thing, that I could be super jealous of my best friend and his new love, which is annoyingly perfect and amazing. But I’m just that annoying myself that I’m over the moon happy for him and his love. That shit makes me happy, because the happiness I wish for someone I love is that kind of happiness. It doesn’t make me feel like I’m lacking something, it makes me think how damn lucky I’m to have a friend like that and to see that kind of real love. A love I have in me, and one day someone to shower with it.

After working pretty much all the time since I started, because I really love what I do, if I didn’t tell you that already, I am having a rare free Saturday today, which is the weirdest feeling ever. As I’ve lived very much freely for the past couple of years with no real days in my life. It’s also one of the first days in really long time that I am doing nothing as I had done everything during the week, I had nothing to do even at home that should be done. I felt lost and just wanted to go to work. But there are benefits when being alone when that feels weird. It’s needed. You might feel that you want to do something, or feel restless or just confused, that shit is normal. Just relax. And I’m saying that as much to myself as to you.

In all honesty, at the moment I’m in my sweats, drinking red wine I got for Christmas from a regular glass and listening to Finnish grime. All the while I kind of hoped spending tonight in a different manner, this will do. And that’s me being honest, even if I was a bit bummed before. We all need these moments when we wish for something else and get this haha. This stuff is life.

So, with all that being said, I’m not about making new years resolutions but I am challenging myself to keep my home clean and organized because I had no energy last year for that and I would love to have my home ready for someone to visit whenever, even though my home is kind of holy to me… But still, this is a challenge that my mind will thank me for.

PMA ❤

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Tired Of Struggling. In Life. Honestly

IMG_0752-0I’m so damn tired of struggling. In life. With those basic adult things that others seem to have all down. Struggling with everyday issues, like money, like where to live as a 32 year old, what to do for living to be able to be independent, like not feeling as lost with this all as I in all honesty do.

It’s close to 5 years or maybe even more since I had my own place to call home. A place that I paid the rent for and had like I want my home to look like. I didn’t have much there but it was mine and it was my safe haven where I could just be.

It’s almost 10 years since I had normal adult person bank credits, as in not having lost them, as in not having a big ass debt, and now being in a situation that I feel at times that I don’t have a future. Because I messed up as a very young and confused person, with severe mental health issues at the time. And I was medicating that feeling with buying and trying to be someone I’m not, because I was so afraid to really open myself and admit that I need help.

It’s a long long time since I had a regular day job, where I get a proper paycheck once a month, and with that being able to live a normal life, without the day to day struggle that I am in now.

My depression is definitely one big reason for being in my situation now. The fact that I lived in a time when having the certain outlook of yourself was so important played a part too. Me growing up when Finland had a huge economic depression, and not having maybe what others had, has something to do with it too.

And when I had my first real job, I just used my money like there was no tomorrow, because all of sudden I had some and it was mine. To make one thing very clear, I never felt that I was missing something growing up, I could not been more loved. But something in that time has left it’s marks in my age peers. I talked about this with my oldest friend just last week and we deeply agreed. Either you grew up to be super cheap and saved all your money, or you went to my direction.

The thing is that I’m not the only one with this situation, there’s too many of us in Finland, which is really sad. Things were different back then, too easy to get easy money and get trapped in it all. We are, I am, paying the price with my life. Pretty literally.

And when you try, you change your thinking and how you see the world, and go mentally forward. Ask for help, get help, open the whole bunch of embarrassing issues and go through them. Try to find a solution, find one but feel so tired at the same time, because you feel that you are just drowning and never being able to live a normal life again.

Now, almost 10 years later, my life is better in many ways that I couldn’t even dream back then. Myself, me, I am good. I have my ups and downs, my depression tries to creep up on me, but I have tools to live with it and I have the right kind of people around me. I’ve grown so much as myself that I still find it hard to see for myself. I don’t see my worth, there are moments but I need the reminder all too often from my friends. Material things just don’t mean what they did before, my belongings fit in my 120L Patagonia duffel bag still, except for all my books. I am happiest when I have really little. BUT. I am in a situation where I live at my parents place, not because I want to or enjoy it, but because I don’t have any other option, unless I find an apartment from the city, with council housing with the longest lines, where I live. I am 32, and I live at my parents. I feel the pressure to find my own place, for my own peace, for the peace of our whole family as this is not the way it’s supposed to be. I am insanely blessed to have this kind of family, because without them I have no idea what would’ve happened. I don’t know if I can ever really express how grateful I am for this and all before this. And it is very embarrassing to be the one that your closest friends pay lunches for because they know your situation, but at the same time know much it means to you to be able to pay for it yourself.

I am so tired of struggling. I am so tired of trying and working hard and trying and working hard and failing again and again. That might be more in me, the failing part of it, but it’s very real feeling in me. My trust in my own future is hanging on very thin thread at times. I made a simple mistake when I was young, mistake that snowballed so fast that it took over me, and now at my age I am paying such a huge price that it’s snowballing over my current life and trying to suck the last faith and hope out of me. I am struggling at days to have any kind of interest in trying, I’ve noticed how my depression has creeped it’s ugly self back and trying to get me to slowly give up. I know better but when you feel like the biggest loser example of how NOT to do things, it’s really fucking hard to not give up.

I have a feeling that some people think that I have somehow loads of money and because of that am able to do certain things. Nope. I don’t. I struggle every damn day to be able to eat lunch, because if I do, I know that I won’t probably have money for the whole month. I’ve been interning for quite many years, with really small amount of money in the hopes of it all getting better with getting that job after the interning period ends. Things don’t always go as you or your workplace hopes.

The choices I make with my money, are very thought out, I buy quality clothes and shoes so that they last long, my running gear is very very used and I am so blessed to have been given some gear from my friends all over the world, without them my running life would be a lot harder. I might prioritize my money to being able to travel to a place where I’ve never been to see those people I love the most, who I don’t see as much I would want and need to. But that all means that I will be so broke that I need to think half way through the month if it all makes sense. It does when I see my friends and am able to hug them and feel like a whole person, even for a weekend.

I still don’t have a clue where I would feel like home. I am still searching for my home place, country, spot, whatever. It’s not in Finland, but this is the place I need to be now, whether I want or not, and I need to do my all to make it good while I am here.

And now that I am waiting to get my wrist operated and knowing that after that I’ll be out of the working game for few months, doesn’t make me feel any better, it makes me proper terrified, to the broken bones and back. Try to feel hopeful for your future with all of this…

The thing is that I know how blessed and privileged I am, and that keeps me very damn grounded. I have a life that is so good, I have too much to complain at all. But fuck I’m tired of this.

The saddest thing is that this almost seems to be like the new norm these days, there’s too many in too many different places who struggle, in one way or another, young people who are trying to see their future and trust in it while the world and it’s situation makes it nearly impossible. We’re being divided more and more to those who live and those who struggle with the simplest things in life. And we all just want to be happy, do something we enjoy most of time, be loved and love back, just the simplest things in life, nothing crazy.

I am so happy that my mental health is in a place where it is now, if I was in such a bad place as I was in my early twenties, I don’t think I would be here anymore with all of this. I am so happy to have my family and my friends in my life. I am so happy that I know myself the way I do. I am so happy to be able to grow older and be more and more confident in my choices and life and how I live and love it. I am so lucky, but I am also so fucking tired of struggling. I don’t need to have anything grandioso, I wish to have a little place to call my own home, to have a job that ables me to provide for myself, I still don’t want to have that much more than that one Patagonia bag.

The struggle makes you tired and sad. I am tired of that. But the deepest feeling is still hope and faith in better in me. So if you wonder why I am able to smile and laugh so much, it’s because I truly have gone and am going through something that makes me appreciate the simplest things in a way that I never thought possible.

ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE. LOVE. FAITH. HOPE. PMA ❤

How Does It Feel When…

IMG_0752-0Yep, how does it feel when you just wait to move again, wait to get going. It sucks!

It’s only few days since I made the decision to move back to Finland, but now that I’ve made it I just want to go and not wait any longer. I kind of hate this “in between” time because it makes you go through and think about so many things about the whole decision. Maybe a good thing, but I’m more about okay I know what I want to do so can we just do it NOW!

There was a reason why I wanted to have little time before I fly back, main reason was that I actually have some amazing friends in Copenhagen that I wanted to see and spend time with before I go. This might sound really rude or sad, whether you take it, but I haven’t had that before this year. I had it in Finland, but those people are my old friends that I’ve gone through a lot of life before so I knew that they’ll be there, a great thing to have in your heart. This time it’s different, these people are new and so dear to me. We’ve built our friendships fast but know that we’ll have that friendship there after we live in different countries. This probably happened because I was finally ready to let people in my life and share my life with them. I haven’t been too good in that before. Copenhagen did some good to me.

Now I’m just ready to go.

After seeing some of those friends earlier this week, and realizing that okay in just a week I’ll be back home, I started going through thoughts about if I’ve done the right decision. It always happens. You feel so damn loved and happy and slowly the notion of you really going creeps in and you just think, shit.

I will miss my people, the fact I can’t just text them and see them in couple of days. But this time I know that they’ll be there, wherever I am. And the flight from Helsinki to Copenhagen isn’t that long.

But then after being on my own for a bit, going through my stuff that should fit in that one bag again, I feel more and more ready for this move. I think about the fact that I can just spend some proper sister time with my little sis, something I’ve missed here like crazy at times. I can run on the trails that I’ve missed so much here. I can go to the supermarket, this is funny, and get all the greens I’ve missed. From all the places I’ve lived, Finland still has the best green sections at supermarkets! Being able to go to sauna when I want, best. Seeing my family. Seeing my friends in Helsinki, so good. So many other things obviously. One of them is to be able to talk in Finnish, I don’t miss it too often but once I’m used to using my own language again, I absolutely love it. Though I still use English as my number one, it’s just easier for me.

I’m just ready to go.

I have less than a week to go, but I just want to go now. I really wished that I would’ve woken up today at my parents home, nowhere else. I was almost a bit bummed when I realized that I still have few days. I kind of hate this in between feeling.

I’m not sure always if I’ll ever find the place I’m supposed to stay. Or is it even a place that makes me feel at home? I think I know that my friends are in my heart, wherever I live, so that’s not a problem. I also do know that I really wish to have that feeling of feeling content somewhere, to an extend that I can settle down. I think once I’ve left the first time, I’ll have that nomad in me that yearns to know more and see other places. I also do know that I wish that I could spend my Sundays next to someone special. Sundays are somehow special to me, they are supposed to be spend with that person. Sundays are for cuddling, long walks, good food, reading all the books, talking, maybe watching some american football. Just simple pleasures in life.

The anticipation of all of this new again, makes me want to jump out of my skin. I absolutely hate this waiting time, I just want to get going. I hate this feeling of needing to get my stuff together, in that one bag, and hope that they will fit in the kilos at the airport.

In the same time, I love this because it makes me think what is really important to me. It makes me prioritize my belongings and again, realize that no actual matter makes me happier than the people I have in my life. So even if I would lose all that fits in that one bag, I would be happy.

But, in the end, I am just ready to go. This time I have so much to look forward to, it’s different than ever before. It’s the time when I know that I’ve done absolutely the right decision for myself and that makes me feel impatient and ready at the same time.

So few more days and Finland here I come! I know that the last days here will be filled with so much love that it will carry me over a lot! ❤

PMA ❤

OOOPS! I’m Moving Back To Finland!

IMG_0373Yeah, ooops! Actual winter and Finland is calling my name and I have to listen to it.

I’ve always listened to my gut feeling, always. If I have, my life has gone to a better direction, if I haven’t well… I always know that I should have. This past Monday I just knew what I need to do, no questions, I just knew.

I’ve gone through enough to be able to admit that it’s my time to leave or change something, this was one of those times. After losing my job and still be very much without a permanent place to live, and fall rolling fast on us, I had to do some hard math of my life and think what is the best thing to do now.

Always before, everytime, if I’ve even had to think about going back to Finland, I’ve felt like I’m a failure. Never before since I moved away from there the first time, have a I felt that it’s for the best and actually felt excited about it. Obviously I’ve changed, life changes you if you let it and listen. So I think that my whole attitude about going back is different. More open to what will come and how I can use that time, how long it may be to the best I can.

One of the biggest reasons for me to do this, is that I am so utterly tired of struggling all the time and really, really want to get my life in a little more balanced place. Not physically, just to be clear. That part is pretty much okay :). But I am turning 32 next March and I have no interest in being in the situation I have been now for too many years any longer if it’s possible for me to change it all. So the adult realist in me knows that this is the best thing to do, I’m not failing at anything, I’m doing the smart decision for myself.

“Good instincts tell you what to do long before your head has figured it out.”

– Michael Burke

It was almost funny who the first people I told or talked about this whole feeling of moving, all of them were my closest friends who happen to live very far from me. That showed me, good that it did, that my friends are in my heart and no matter how far, they are in my life where ever I live. Because I remember last year when I felt that I had to move back to Finland that I am losing out on my friendships by being so “far” from them… What I learned during my time in Finland is that I have super close and great friends there, that I have missed a lot here in Copenhagen, and what I’ve learned here in Copenhagen is that my friendships are truly all over the world and the ones that matter are there no matter what. That’s the great thing about social media and emails and text messages and whatever we have these days.

I was also thinking that maybe I was meant to go back to Finland, for the reason that I still have some unresolved issues about that place. I’ve been so negative about it and haven’t really given myself a chance to figure out why. The truth is that I have been running away from myself since I left Finland the first time. I’ve definitely found myself a lot during these years, but I think there’s a little piece missing and I have a feeling that that is my attitude towards Finland. I need to solve that puzzle and then I am free to really go wherever my heart desires. And actually feel ready and free at that place, no idea what it will be. I have a feeling that my nomad side is not ready to settle down completely yet. There’s too many places that I need to see and experience, already thinking of the next place I need to visit… IMG_0593

That’s actually one of my favorite things in life these days, the people I have in it from so many different places and really around the world. They open up the world to me in a whole new way and make it so much more interesting. It doesn’t really give you a chance to be content with something you’ve known always, it makes this whole experience so much richer! And definitely once you start selfishly “deleting” the ones that aren’t good for you and keeping the ones that make you feel good and surround yourself with positive vibes close, damn this all makes it worth and more! You just need to be brave, ask for help, and really be open to whatever, life is pretty damn amazing when you let yourself do that!

So next week when I’m flying back to Finland, I am ready for whatever is coming my way, will work harder than ever before for my own happiness, letting people make my life richer, reminding myself that this is not even the breaktime, this is the beginning of all the best things that are coming up!

Now it’s a time for me to enjoy my last week in Copenhagen, spend time with the ones I love, have an actual farewell party for myself, because I am so damn lucky to have so amazing ones in my life that they want to spend a little time with me like that before I leave ❤ ! Life will always work out if you let it, that’s what I’ve learned!

“I’m so proud of you
Everything’s adding up, you’ve been through hell and back
That’s why you’re bad as fuck…” Drake knows!

PMA ❤

CPH HALF – Uniting People Across Boarders

Photo by Sofie Riisgaard

Photo by Sofie Riisgaard

Last weekend, or the five days around last weekend were more than amazing. Little to no sleep. All the laughter and hugs. So many new people, more than ever before.

For five days I was surrounded by like minded people from places I hope to visit but have never been before. People who reminds that we are all the same and all have the same heart beating inside of us. image2 (6)

When the world is how it is these days, it’s pretty damn amazing to have a platform like we have through running. We break all the barriers and stereotypes, fear and worries about difference. We conquer it all with love for a thing that is the simplest. We share the love and show the world how amazing it all could be.image3 (4)

I might see some of my closest friends once a year but when I get to hug them after all that time, it’s like nothing have been between us. I got to hug new people that I know will be part of my life for the rest of my time here. That stuff is special. I know again, even more than before, how blessed I am to found running and all these people. I know that I have new places to visit because there’s people who I feel at home with.12000980_937674826294929_3938398543305013179_o

I would never in my life before thought that I could have friends this much all over the world. What we have with Bridge The Gap is insanely amazing.

It’s about the unity, passion, love, friendships and respect to one another.12015085_10153638889944878_8159246979629199194_o

Yes, we did run the race, but what really have stayed with me, almost like a fire burning is the fact how lucky I am. After having one of the hardest years of my life, I could not feel more loved and grateful for all of this. The feeling when you see a person you’ve been in contact only through social media and can finally hug, priceless. It’s like they’ve always been next to you.

For me, this all is about being there for others, loving and appreciating the difference of all of us and using it as a force to show the world how we really are to each other. I’ve learned so much through this all, learning more all the time. Loving more all the time. Positive vibes spreading around the globe.

Photo by Pim Rinkes

Photo by Pim Rinkes

I want to thank all that were part of that time here in Copenhagen, thank you for making one of the most emotional times the best ever. I might have lost my Grandma exactly year ago, and ran for her again this year, but the love around me carried me home and I know that I Grandma would be the happiest to see all of this in my life.

Let’s keep being us, because we are pretty damn amazing!

PMA. LOVE. PEACE. ❤image1 (12)