Treat.Yo.Self.

I’m learning slowly but very surely to Treat Myself, with things that I didn’t think that could be part of that saying. Every good deed I do to myself, is Treat.Yo.Self. moment. It doesn’t have to mean that I get something, material, but giving myself amazing moments where I can feel good about myself.

I have been trying to “fool” myself with not needing to do strength training, but finally understood to kick that fooling away. There is something about strength training that is way harder than running. It kicks your ass, literally. You might think that you are in good shape and then you do a 15 minute workout and feel like you are going to die… It’s different kind of pushing. I feel that running is mostly in your head, but when you push yourself in a workout. the pain is different but oh so rewarding.

I also have tried to think positive, like all the time. So that I could see if it really works, it does :). Especially when you really don’t want to. Like one day last week, it looked “sad” outside because it wasn’t sunny, but I decided that there’s nothing wrong with that day and went on with happy mind.

Of course there are moments and days when you don’t want to be happy, but that’s totally okay too. But when I’m positive I get more things done, having new opportunities, meeting new people and just feeling better and healthier. That age old monster called depression is slowly sliding further, which I love. I won’t miss it, for sure. But I don’t expect it to just disappear, it will still be part of me, just in the background looking at how well I’m doing without it!

SO, I’m finding new ways to be happy and feel better, being able to live with what I have without feeling too weak with it. I would say that that is good way to start my 30’s!! Yes, it’s my birthday this sunday and I have decided to celebrate it with a long run, because on my birthday you can do what ever you want, boom!

I’m not there yet but I’m so far from where I started! And so freaking proud of myself!!

It’s also, btw, less than 2 weeks to my first race!! Berlin Half I’m coming for you!! I might not be making any new personal records, but I will damn sure enjoy my heart out and go on with some sexy pace!

SO TREAT YO SELF AND EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE!

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Vegan Thai Chili

Yummy! That’s how I’m starting this food post ๐Ÿ™‚

I cooked this super yummy vegan thai chili today and wanted to share it.

You need:

3 garlic gloves

1 onion

1 red paprika

1 sweet potato

olive oil

salt, black pepper

1 cup red dry lentils

4 cups of vegetable stock

1 tbsp of red thai curry paste

chili powder or flakes

can of coconut milk

1 can of diced tomatoes

1 can of red kidney beans

Cut the garlics and onion small and soften in olive oil in a big pot. Dice the paprika and sweet potato and add to the pot. Season with salt and black pepper. Let simmer few minutes and add washed lentils and vegetable stock. Then add curry paste and chili. Let simmer until the veggies are soft. After that add kidney beans, tomatoes and the coconut milk. Let simmer little more and enjoy ๐Ÿ™‚ !

 

 

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I’m Back!!

 

I ran today!! I decided that I have to try it eventually. I was terrified and scared. I was so worried that my leg would hurt and my dreams of the Half Marathon are gone.

I was checking the starting time of the Half this morning and on the website is a “clock” of how long till the race day, and it said 6 weeks and that woke me up. I realized that I have to try if I want to run even some part of it :).

I was super nervous when I put my running stuff on and my dog was getting excited too. I thought that it’s the best option to go out with my dog, and if my leg starts hurting I can just keep walking with him.

When the trail started I took a deep breath and take those careful first steps, all felt good. I was so happy!! I took it super easy, with the words “Listen To Your Body” like a mantra in my head and for 4 km I kept going, with some walking in between.

I feel now, that I’m back, like I got my Self back. I felt that I got my motivation back, which is amazing!

Now I have to remember to take it slowly and listen to my body, but I’m BACK and that’s the most important thing to me!!

Depressed – Yes, I am

Hello, my name is Mirka and I’ve been depressed on and off for most of my life. ย And by on and off I mean, that depression is a thing that never really goes away and you’re “healed”. Different things can cause it to come back, haunt your days that without it would be pretty nice. There are good periods and then there are really difficult and sad periods. If you find something that helps you live with it and see more positive in you and your life, those difficult periods don’t come too often, but to be able to maintain those good periods needs some serious work and that is HARD.

I am quite embarrassed to admit that I am depressed. I feel at times that it makes me worse than others, that it’s super hard for me to be happy and most of all, let myself be happy. Somehow I have this feeling that it is easier to think that I was depressed and now it’s gone, but also I think that it would be a lot easier to try to be okay with the fact that it’s part of me.

I know that it’s part of me but it’s not a nice thing to admit, especially if you know how bad it can make you. When I was younger, around 17-20, I was extremely depressed and the only thing I did was sleep. Sleeping gave me this freedom of that haunting and daunting feeling of sadness inside of me. Once I grew up and started having different things in my life, I couldn’t sleep that feeling away and that just made it worse, I felt that there was no way to get some easiness.

The reason for me to start writing my blog was to find a way to be more okay with my depression, not the main reason but part of it. Few years ago my therapist said that I should start writing my feelings down, I never did it because I had made my mind about me being unable to write and that I just don’t like it, so I never did. At the moment I wish that I had, but I don’t think I was ready.

I’ve always been a person who likes to be alone a lot, doing my thing, I don’t like that people bother me but I can also feel extremely lonely and yearn to be around people. But I’m also scared of being around people, because I’m not 100% sure of myself and I have times when it’s super hard for me to like myself. And I don’t have any kind of pokerface, so you would see if there is something.

I would love to have more friends, or more like let more people be my friends, but it’s super hard for me. Not sure why, but it just is. But it’s also really hard for me to say that I need a friend.

Last weekend I finally admit again that I am depressed. This past month has been really hard, on keeping myself positive and try to go forward. After I had to stop running because of my injury, I felt that I wasn’t good at all and I was beating myself up for getting injured. For me running has been my savior, it made me believe in myself and want to keep trying and not just give up. I started really liking myself and even be able to say to myself “I love you”! If you are or have been depressed, those are HUGE things.

For me, when I’m depressed, it feels that I’m doing something all the time, but the reality is that I’m not able to do sometimes even the everyday things. Sometimes going out more than just for the walks with the dog, is a terrifying idea, I can’t do it. It feels that you want to break free from this cloud that is just following you, but you just can’t. I see and hear the good things around me but I feel that I don’t have skills or tools to do anything about making things better.

It’s really frustrating to people around you and scary too, I believe. They try to help you with what they can but nothing seems to work. Sometimes the fact that they are trying can make the situation even worse.

I have always been jealous of people who keep trying and have this fire to do things and have projects after another. Or to have a skill like drawing, to be able to produce things and maybe sell them. I feel that I don’t have this skill set to do something like that.

My really close friend said to me something that really meant a lot. She said that I have to remember that I have conquered the monster which is depression already and that’s what I have to remember. That there will be those bad times but I have done it before and got myself up from that darkness and I can do it again. I do remember that but for some reason that is super hard to remember.

The thing with depression is that it comes little out of nowhere and then it’s on again. Sometimes it creeps on you really slowly and sometimes it needs just a tiny push and boom.

This month the biggest thing for me to start falling back down, was the fact that I “lost” running. I’m not yet strong enough to realize that it’s only for sometime and soon I can run again, or that I can do other sports while I get better. My mind was so much around running that when it was “taken” from me, it crushed me. Now I have 6 weeks till my first race, Berlin Half Marathon, is here and I have lost all interest in trying to get back there. I’m afraid of running or trying to run again because I’m afraid that maybe my injury is still there. I have lost the motivation to keep my body in shape so that when I can run again, I don’t start from the bottom. Yesterday I had this moment when I finally admitted that yes, I am depressed again and that it’s not only because of running, there are other personal things behind it, just bunch of things that made me feel like nothing. But I also realized that I do have a reason to keep trying and that’s why today I will go out and do some shopping that needs to be done, go out with the dog, and do some exercising that I think will make me feel better.

I promise to myself that I try. And I hope that end of today I can say that I did, which will make me feel better :). I have hope, even though the lows are at times really low, there are also those highs in my life I know that.

So, you really get what you wish for…

Annoying, for sure!

Two days ago, I wrote how I want to be able to enjoy life with less headphones and music, well now I’m in the middle of that struggle. Not fun!

And it happened just like I wished but basically not how I wanted of expected. Yes, my phone works, except that all my music has disappeared, just vanished in to the sky and I feel more lost than ever!! I knew that music is super duper important and huge part of me and my life, but the thing that I wanted to reduce is killing me now that I can’t do it like I used to.

It’s not like I can’t listen to music with any other device, but I’m so use to having all on my phone that I feel naked without it.

I didn’t know that I could be so angry, frustrated and ready to throw the whole phone in the ocean if there would be one close :D.

It took me, again, some time before I realized that this is exactly what I wanted to happen, not what I really obliviously wanted but maybe needed more.

Again I was out with my dog, when out of nowhere I started laughing out loud with myself. Realizing what happened and how I reacted :D.

I pray, I believe in my own way that there is some higher being, not sure what but I do. And I have these moments when I feel like something is an answer to my prayer and this is definitely one of those moments. Thank you higher being for calming me down and really making me learn how to be maybe little bit more patient.

Breath in, Run out. ๐Ÿ™‚ That’s my motto!

Well, here’s one of my new artist love anyway ๐Ÿ˜‰