FUCK I Needed That Run & Other Stories

IMG_2122Yep, Fuck I needed that run and other stories about a young lady who is pursuing and pushing to be a successful career warriorqueen. To put it simply…

Today was a HUGE Note To Self, I haven’t been running basically at all in the last month, just working my ass off. Doing something I absolutely love, but all is new, I need to be like a sponge every day to be able to keep up with the pace we go forward, still loving it and trying learn more and more all the time. But I just forgot something very damn important while doing that. If I put taking care of my body and mind in the backseat, it will kick me hard soon enough.

“Don’t try so hard to fit in and certainly don’t try so hard to be different… Just try hard to be you.”

-Zendaya

I’ve finally found something that I am really good at, workwise, so obviously when I was given the opportunity to work in a company I can put all my skills to use, I did not hesitate. But because I jumped in straight to the deep end, I just lost the yearn and need to move in a way that I used to use as a saviour and the one thing that kept me going.

Today I noticed really how much the lack of moving had done to me, I was anxious, felt negative and ready to snap. I’ve felt all of those growing in me for some time, but just decided to ignore them and push on. Well my body is smarter than me.

What my body and mind needs, is running at least three times a week, no matter what. Because basically if I don’t I just become a unpleasant dickhead with no patience, if not to other then to myself for sure, which is not really any better. My headspace is not really equipped to handle all the excitement, stoke level, new challenges without any outlet.

This all is a learning curve for me. This is the first time when I am comfortable with who I am, the real me and really love that me, that I have a job that I am really good at and getting better and really love doing, I have friends all over the place, I have A life. And I had a way to balance my life, but I managed to forget that I actually need it to be a constant in my life, not just sometimes.

I definitely learned a valuable lesson today. If I don’t run, not only my body changes but my mind is honestly about to explode. I need that release to cope with what world is throwing at me.

“Forgive yourself. Not just once. Again, and again, and again. As many times as it takes to find peace.”

Without running, I wouldn’t be able to do my job, I need those moments of creating things in my mind while my body pushes on and sweats the extra stress out. So if I want to really be good at my job, I need to run. Or do anything physical.

And I went for a run, and it was cold and pitch dark and rainy, and I loved every damn step of it. I needed that fucking run. I needed to feel all of that to remember why I started and found myself and woke up to this insanely amazing life of mine.

At least three times a week, no less, maybe more. That is the deal I have with myself now. A deal that I need to keep, because it’s about me and my own happiness and health, and those things really should be the most important ones.

Thank you body and mind for pushing me to the corner hard enough for me to understand what I need to do. Thank you!

I promise to be better and love you both more.

LOVE. FORGIVE YOURSELF. PMA ❤

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Attitude Of Gratitude

IMGP8107Attitude of gratitude, something one of my closest friends reminded me one day the past week.

When life is confusing, swirling in your mind like no other, being grateful for all that is happening can be a challenge at times. It definitely has been for me.

But I can only do what is best for me and stay true to myself, the me I am these days, not before. And I say that because it’s not too many years back that I was always the one who didn’t really appreciate and love myself too much, which ended up me being super bitter at the whole world, making really bad decisions for my own happiness or the lack of it. Blaming the world for all and never changing my own actions. It took me few years to realize these things, and couple people who just bluntly said that “if you’re not ready to change this and that, don’t complain about it” and it really is that easy. Why bitch and moan if you’re not willing to change anything?

Lately I’ve been really confused, so many changes in my life and me being extra hard on myself. Terrified of failing, again. Which is ridiculous, because why would I think negative thoughts if I don’t want them to be my reality? Of course I am in the middle of a huge life change again, and there’s no reason for me to be this hard on myself, but I’m learning to be gentler, promise. Baby steps…

But like I’ve written before, I am grateful for all the moments and experiences in my life.

There will always come days in our life, when someone hurts us, talks shit about us behind our backs, or are just plain mean for no reason. I’ve come across that in my life the past weeks and it’s just useless, but the main thing is how I react to them. That’s all in my control. No one else, no one, in this world can decide how we react to something someone else is doing. And when I realized that, obviously a huge weight was lifted.

I also have surrounded myself with people who are good to me, positive and mean no harm but are honest too. Which means that if I need a friend to talk to, I know that I have the best support net. And then having those situations is a lot easier to take.

The moment you are able to be grateful for all moments, good and bad, that’s when you feel free. There’s always a good old lesson to be learned in those moments. Especially in the bad and ugly and hurtful ones. But those are the times when your reaction is the most important. If you react with hurt and hatred, you will keep that in you. And you will be the one hurting in the end. And I say this with deep experience, I’ve been a mean fighter in my past, words as my weapons.

And it’s always so important to remember to put the whole situation into context, is it really about you or something that is bothering the person who is hurting you at that moment? I’ve learned how to really listen to people, and try to ask the question that I could get the answer to what is really bothering them.

And it’s super important to learn how to forgive. If you hold the pain in you and don’t let it go, there can be no progress to better. Forgiving is hard at times, but if you forgive your enemy you strip their powers away. They are not controlling the situation anymore.

I learned this amazing tool at my therapy, we call it “drop the content”. Basically it means that in that moment of panic and frustration and hurt, take yourself out of the situation and see what really bothers you. How and where it feels in your body, is it making your chest tight or making your belly feel funny? Then hold gently your hand on top of that area, and breath deep and feel how it starts to ease up. It works, it really does. And after you’ve done that usually you get the answer to that question that made you feel bad.

So for me, when I’ve felt really insecure about my future in Copenhagen and the fear of failing, again. That “again” always haunting me. I try to concentrate what I am really afraid, and pretty much always come to the same conclusion… I am afraid to actually be happy and have things in my life I’ve wanted for quite some time.

If it would be a situation in love, I know myself, I would be terrified to get hurt. And at the same time afraid of really letting myself be happy. And be loved. And be able to be loved and taken as who I truly am. I’ve promised myself that from now on I am 100% myself, honest, open and respectful of who I am. That means that I am extra open for all but I am rather that than anything I’ve been in the past. I love my loving and positive and open way of living my life and I want to share that me with someone, all of me.

The fear is always the one thing that holds us from moving forward. For me it’s the fear of failing and getting hurt the most, but in the end of the day I can only remind myself of all the hard times in my past and how they have made me grow into who I am now. And for those I am grateful, keeping that attitude of gratitude with me day in and day out now.

We all deserve the best in life, we just need to let ourselves understand and believe that. Not easy, I know. But so worth it. Even little baby steps at a time. And work towards that.

I’m still struggling to really see and believe how strong I truly am. And how I really deserve to be happy and have good things in my life, but I am working towards that. I might even fail, again, but at least I am trying. And that is the most important thing to me. Because giving up and going back to my old ways hasn’t really worked so I doubt that it would from now on.

” So you failed. Alright you really failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You think I care about that? I do understand. You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you’re still smiling. ” – Claire, Elizabethtown

That quote is from one of my all time favorite movies and it’s been on my mind lately, reminding me why I am pushing on. Because failing and making mistakes and messing up all that was important to you, is part of our path here. Without that we won’t grow. I am happy for all my mistakes and failings and all of it. It ain’t pretty, most of the time, but when you let yourself be in that mess for a bit and get tired of feeling that, you know that is time to move on. So now I need to get off my doubtful mode and believe in myself.

I deserve to have a job where I can show my talents and be there for others. I deserve to find a place to call home and make it mine. I deserve all the love in the world, the real kind of with ups and downs. I deserve to have friends around me to share my life. I deserve to be happy.

I am grateful for my life and whatever is coming in my future, whether it’s hard and hurts at times and tests my believe system. I am still grateful.

PMA ❤