If I Lose Myself, I Lose It All

IMG_0368I’ve obviously entered the next chapter of my life lately. There has been the biggest storm and just pure amount of what the fuck in it, that has only made me stronger and made me see things clearly.

“She survived whatever happened; she forgave, she became.” 

-W.H.Auden, The Model

I’ve gone through the hardest and best summer and especially the last month. The last year has been just WOW, and here I am still. Trucking along, feeling happier and more blessed than ever, though never been all around this tired in my life.

I think in a way I’ve finally woken up, finally realized that I am me and I have no interest in changing one damn thing for anyone else. I’ve always been the one who adapts to whatever the other one is going through, forgetting myself and being there for them. But the situations have been one sided, I’ve been the one there, not equally. Not anymore. I’m tired of that.

I know that I have a habit of being too nice, which usually ens up me getting hurt. Happened again. But this time I’m not alone, I have the best safety net around me. I don’t have to go through all of this alone. That humbles me to the bone. I’ve honestly wanted to have this feeling since I was a kid, always been too afraid of actually letting people this close that they can be there for me. I finally stopped fighting and let them come. The scariest and best thing I’ve ever done.

Now that I am entering this new chapter of my life, once more, I feel anxious and uncomfortable, because I’m not sure what I should do or feel. I hate this feeling, it makes me want to jump out of my skin. While I’m in a way more comfortable in my skin than ever before.

After having one of the best weekends with old and new running friends, explaining my weird life situation, I started thinking if I am doing the right thing by staying and trying my best in Copenhagen. The faces and reactions of people when they hear that I don’t have a home or even a job at the moment, they made me think about this whole thing in a different way. Am I doing the right thing, am I?

When you’ve lived the way I am now, for as long as I have, you adapt to things easier and differently than you ever thought possible. You don’t stress about certain things at all, that used to make you feel like it’s all going to hell. If you would’ve said to me in my early twenties that when I’m 31, I won’t have a place to call home, I’m without a job and I’m single and still no idea what I want to be when I grow up, I would’ve laughed at you and said that hell to the no! I was so comfortable and wanted things to be comfortable, so much so that I ended up fucking up that whole thing and make my life harder than it ever should’ve been.

So now that I have this situation as my current life, I am still happier than ever before. I feel richer than ever before, not in money but with pure blessings in my life. I’ve been hurt more than I thought possible. I’ve gone through more than I thought possible and still standing here not ready to give up. I’ve loved more than I thought possible, only to realize that I am alone in that. But I’ve also finally being in the moment and lived my own life, my OWN life. Not caring what someone else thinks of it.

“Continue to share your heart with people even if it has been broken.”

-Amy Poehler

I do have moments, when I think that what is going to happen, where am I going to end up. I look at people that are my age, doing those things that I thought that I would been doing at this age. Being in a relationship, maybe married, hopefully have kids, sharing my life with someone, have a home that looks like me, have a job that pays the bills and enables me to travel if I feel like it. Isn’t all of that what we should want and have at this point in our lives? I do have moments, not easy to admit, when I think “when is my time”?

I’ve been running away from myself for most of my life, and I feel that I’ve finally stopped. I don’t hate myself anymore, I love myself. I am starting to know who I really am and really enjoying all of that. I feel my strength and it scares the shit out of me at times. My ability to love and forgive is insane. And I absolutely love that about myself. I see or at least try to see things in a positive way, even when shit gets very real. I still have things so much better than so many other people. And that is what keeps me humble. I have to remember how lucky I am.

I met some people last weekend that just made me feel insanely calm and like I want to have their company for long in my life. They’re calmness made the noise around me disappear and instantly made me feel good and at peace. I wish I could tell that to them and make them understand how special they are. But feel that after meeting once it’s a bit too much to just put out there. Maybe it’s not, I truly don’t know. Maybe some of them reads this and understands that I am talking about them.

“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”

-Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things

 Letting go has been one of the hardest things for me, but once I finally did understand it, the freedom it brought was sweet. I think all of us deep down want to believe in the good in others, which makes us love them harder than we should. With the price of our hearts getting dragged around and thrown away. I am definitely done that. But this is the first time I let go, truly let go and saw how I have done nothing wrong and could forgive to be free again. That stuff is hard and I have no idea why I was able to do it now. Why now and not before? Maybe because I’m really not the person I was before.

In the face of all the new in my life, almost missing people that I don’t even know, feeling scared of what will happen, thinking if I’ll be a nomad for the rest of my life, I still feel stronger than ever before. When I think of all that has been going on, I could easily crumble under the weight, but I’m fighting. I’ve found this warrior in me that is not ready to just give up and crawl under a rock. I have so much in me that needs to be let out and I need to enjoy every step that I have on this planet. I have so many places to visit. I have so much love in me to shine out and give. I have so many kisses and hugs that I need to give and receive.

I have finally, finally, understood that if I lose myself, I lose it all. I am all I have, and I am enough. And I don’t need to know straight away everything, or know what needs to happen next or where I need to be next. I just need to give myself a break to breath and listen to myself. I need to give myself a break to be patient. All will work out.

“Someday someone won’t be afraid of how much you love. They won’t stay on the shore; they’ll meet you in the depths.”

PMA ❤

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

“I am not the first person you loved. You are not the first person I looked at with a mouthful of forevers. We have both known loss like the sharp edges of a knife. We have both lived with lips more scar tissue than skin. Our love came unannounced in the middle of the night. Our love came when we’d given up on asking love to come. I think that has to be the part of it’s miracle.

This is how we heal. I will kiss you like forgiveness. You will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms will bandage and we will press promises between us like flowers in a book. I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat on your skin. I will write novels to the scar of your nose. I will write a dictionary of all the words I have used trying to describe the way it feels to finally, finally found you. 

And I will not be afraid of your scars.

I know sometimes it’s still hard to let me see you in all your cracked perfection, but please know: 

whether it’s the days you burn more brilliant than the sun or the the nights you collapse into my lap your body broken into a thousands of questions, you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I will love you when you are a still day. I will love you when you are a hurricane.”

– Clementine von Radics, Mouthful of Forevers

A thought that crossed my mind more than once this week. It’s been a rough one and my being and mind were not where they normally are. I got caught up with all the noise around me. All those two cents.

Like I wrote on my last post, this summer has been the best, for me just because I’ve experienced so much more and done things that I wanted to do, simple things, but just haven’t before. But this also meant that for the past month, I’ve been with people almost all the time, pretty much all the time. And slowly but surely, I felt a bit off, I wasn’t the calm, rational me that I have been working towards for quite long and been enjoying.

As I once again forgot that I’m an introvert and that I need certain things, as alone time, to function, I also lost myself a bit. There are times in my life that I totally just jump into that enjoyment of others and completely forgot what I need to be able to enjoy it all. I need alone time, at times a lot of it. But now after this past month, I am all of sudden afraid of being alone. Which feels really weird. Me not wanting to be alone and rather spend time with people?! Who am I?

I’m also very sensitive person, but I’ve found ways to take on what comes while recognizing my own self, which happens to be great. I don’t need to change but I do have to be gentle to myself. This is the thing, too much other peoples company drain me and I tend to realize it way too late…

So now that I’ve had some difficulties, or more like challenges, in my life this week, I felt totally overwhelmed and like I can’t get out of that bad and sad feeling. I was just sad and cried and didn’t know what to do, other than dwell on it. That’s not who I am, that is who I was. I have worked my way out of that.

“We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” – Brené Brown

I’ve needed this week to do that and slowly understood what really is going on and what I should do about it. I need to get back to my old calming, balancing ways that I used to do daily basis to keep myself okay. These are some things that work for me:

  • I do oil pulling every morning when I wake up, with coconut oil for 20 minutes and then brush my teeth. It gives me time to start my day but it also has insane health benefits and I feel better when I do it.
  • I try to meditate, something that is really hard for me, but then again, it’s supposed to be. So I will try again.
  • Running, I’ve taken a good months pause from running which was great, but I forgot how much it calms me and clears my mind. So I’m back at it.
  • I need to be alone enough, to restore my energy and get that clear space in my head. It’s very necessary for me. Haven’t done it enough the last month and I can really feel it.
  • I say thanks every night for the day when I go to sleep, it’s my way of ending the day and calming myself ready for sleep.
  • I need to write more again, it’s my way of therapy and it actually makes me feel really good. It’s a challenge but that’s why it’s good for me.
  • This is a funny one, maybe, but I love to collect quotes and hand write them to my notebook. It just makes me feel good, that’s it. 🙂
  • I want to forgive, more forgiveness because it doesn’t only release you from hate and anger but it gives you so much peace and you don’t let the fact control you anymore.
  • I want to say at least once a day to myself that I love myself. ❤
  • And I want to let myself be that weird happy bubble that I have been and what I truly am.

So I’m going to get back to these, and I know that quite fast I will get myself back on track. Which will help me with the challenges and goals I have now in my life. The fact is that if I can’t find another job with my current one, I can’t say yes to this amazing safe haven of an apartment. And if I don’t work towards that goal that means so much to me, I won’t be able to stay in Copenhagen, which would make me really sad, because going back to Finland is not an option.

I feel like part of the anger and sadness that I was dwelling in this week was because I knew that even if I felt like giving up and that nothing makes any sense, I also knew that I can’t just give up because I don’t do that anymore. So obviously that annoyed the shit out of me, me trying to behave like I have before in a time in my life when it just doesn’t work anymore. To be fair, to myself, I am better than that.

It’s normal to get caught up in life, loose yourself at times, but I had to remember that I am not that lost that I can’t get back. I had to go low to remember how great things really are. That’s normal and at times needed. But I can’t let it drown me and make me loose my course.

PMA ❤

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