Have You Ever Wondered Why You Dream Of What You Dream Of?

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Have you ever wondered why you dream of what you dream of. Or if all of your dreams have something in common? Or have you basically dreamed about the same thing since you were little?

I’ve been thinking a lot of those lately. I love that I was questioned, for a reason, why I would need a motorcycle licence, when I don’t even have a regular licence. Yes, I would drive that too. But why would I feel that I need it? I do live at the moment, and probably some time now, in Finland. We don’t really have the longest season when it comes to driving a motorcycle… But still. That same dream has been in me for such a long time.

And now I’ve been questioning why I haven’t done anything about it before, or have I made the dream come true in smaller ways. Kind of preparing myself for this one, the one that really means the most… or is it just the same dream in different ways.

I’ve never done the conventional things in my life, well I’ve tried but those moments in time have only proven to be the wrong choices for me. So I’ve struggled to do the things that I find the best for me aka the unconventional. I’ve lived my life in ways that have made my loved ones feel uneasy to say the least. But I’ve also been afraid to live the life I really wanted because of the fear of what others would say or if I might upset someone who I love. I’ve left so many things undone because of those exact reasons. So many. And coming back to what has been going on in my life the past year, has really made me think that not anymore. This is the only life I have, so if not now when?

I have been thinking of the dreams I’ve had in my life and if I’ve made some of them come true. Because there was a moment too in this thought process when I thought that I don’t know how to dream at all… was fast proven wrong by myself.

All of my dreams have one thing in common: my yearn for certain kind of freedom and the feeling of flying. I’ve always had those, as long as I remember. I had a reoccurring dream when I was a kid, where I was driving a flying car. Makes me smile to think about that but I still remember it like I’ve just seen it. For such a long time I thought that if I would have a drivers licence I would be free, there was that same yearning as with when I learned how to drive a bike. Or the way I love to walk aimlessly for hours. I’ve been like this forever. Maybe I’m just restless, maybe I’m forever seeking my happy place, not sure what it is, but it’s deep in me and has been since I remember. I guess it’s part of the reason why I love to read so much, to get lost in different stories and always learn something new.

I realised that the dreams I’ve made true all had one thing in common, to find a way to feel free and fly in some way. My time as a bike messenger, or my time as a long distance runner, to move from unknown country to another without a plan. All things I decided I would do because I knew that I have to so that I can do something else, to move on from what I’ve been before, to become braver for the next step that I didn’t know before I had done those.

There’s this weird sense of calm in me these days, I just know that I’m on the right path. Every time I let someone else question my calm, my mind gets all stormy and confused, but when I listen to my gut and walk on my own, I am calm and know my right from what others feel to be best for me.

I do understand the reasoning for many things I’ve been questioned lately. They’ve been valid reasons and questions, but in the end I can only walk my own way. Even when no one understands my reasons. But then again, I don’t feel the need to talk about any of them these days either. My old way of doing that feels wrong these days, and if I’ve done it I just feel more confused and like I’ve disappointed myself in some way. Like I’m not able to trust myself in what I feel right. I guess old ways die hard.

One way or another I’ve always been a risk taker, I’ve just had times in my life where I’ve been lost and done what I thought others wanted me to do. And in this social media driven world of ours it’s easy to feel and get lost of our own path. We see just a piece of someone but still think that we know them well. And forget how much more there is behind those photos or updates. How often we really want to share our deepest dreams or wishes? If we share them, they are open for all kinds of shit. How much are we willing to take that from complete strangers or the people we love the most? In general people don’t want to try to understand, they rather judge, so it’s easier to hide our real selves. And that also makes it hard to believe in them for us, even when we know them to be the right for us. And it also looks to outside like we would just change our whole being in an instant because they don’t see the evolution behind it all.

So why do I want to have a motorcycle licence and obviously a bike to drive to the sunset? It all comes down to my yearning for the freedom. There’s something very real and rough in being out in the open. And I only remember that feeling from my messenger days, or more like the nights when I was driving back home from somewhere. Feeling everything on your skin and being weirdly part of all around you is a magical feeling. The need to be aware of it all, has a sense of making you feel extremely small, in the same way as when you stand on top of some amazing massive mountain and feeling like if the wind would want to it could just blow you away with no effort. Anything that humbles us and makes us feel small, is something to go towards to.

Thinking all of these, made me also realise that I’ve made all my dreams come true which is a crazy moment. Too often we think that none of our dreams really ever come true, but think again, not all of your dreams are those massive life changing ones. We make dreams come true almost on a daily basis. We just remember the big ones better.

None of my dreams are impossible, none of them. Majority of people will never understand them, and thank goodness for that. They would feel too ordinary if they did, and I would not even think of them probably. Reach for the stars and all that.

Things have a way of working out, so does dreams. That’s it. Make a plan, and not just dream. And then you’ll see it becoming reality. I’m living one of mine right about now, the best ones are the ones you realise afterwards being your reality.

Be you. Do you.

PMA ❤

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Pain Makes You Love With All You Are – Run That Set Me Free

IMG_7600What I’ve learned in life is that you have to go through the pain to be able to embrace it and be free again. What I’ve also learned, is that once you’ve done that you are so open and loving that it’s insane.

Today I ran in the same place I did last September, the morning of the burial of my Grandma. I ran in a forest she called fairytale forest in my childhood. A place where she pushed my imagination and encouraged me to be exactly the special one I am.

But when I left for my run, I knew where I wanted to go but not why. Once I arrived at this spot in the forest, I knew. It was that spot I stopped on that morning, and I felt like she was with me in that pain that day, and today I felt that she’s there with me to console me in that pain that I need to release and embrace it all from now on.

I was sitting there and crying, for the first time because of her in such a long time. So much had happened since I lost her, that I felt with all my being that I haven’t really been able to say goodbye and say some things, like how much I really miss her. Because I really do.

I was just talking to her, out loud alone there, telling her things that I was afraid of, proud of, what I’ve been doing and what and who she would really like. And that I promise that I keep pushing on with keeping my dreams and my happy first. That was what she said to me before she passed away, and that was and has been the thing that’s been pushing me on when shit gets hard.

But this was also the first time I was in a situation where I’ve lost someone that important, someone who’ve helped me grow to that person I am now. Who’ve believed in me when I’ve really didn’t deserve that, at all. She didn’t understand why I ran but she saw how good it made me feel and how it had changed me to better and more to that special me.

I lost that me, for a good ten years, completely lost the one I truly was, because I thought that that wasn’t good. The pressure and uncertain feelings from outside got the best of me and I lost myself. But now I am back and I know that she’s pushing me on and that she’s so proud of me.

I needed this pain that I went through today, all the tears, all the sadness to be able to let go of what I had been holding. I needed to say out loud how much I really miss her. And how thankful I am of all she ever did for me. The amount of love she gave to me, made me humble the last year and showed and taught me how to really love myself and others. That kind of love makes you strong, so strong.

But I know that she would be so damn proud of where I am now, of all the work I’ve done with myself and how far I’ve taken myself. Jumping to unknown with the trust that all will be okay. Not that she would done that, but she supported me in those jumps whether she understood them or not. And she was honest in what she felt, and I loved that about her. It didn’t feel too good always, but we all need that someone in our lives who gives us that tough love and just grounds us. She really did that at times. Thank you <3.

Now I feel that I’m ready to let her go, and be able to just embrace the love that she had and still have for me. She’s always going to be with me, part of my life. In those small moments, like when I see beautiful flowers, I always think of her, no question.

So, sometimes a run is so much more than just a run and today was just that. But I still let running heal me, like it has always before and embrace it all. I still don’t have tools to handle things like this but I’m able to take them and give myself the time I need to figure the right way for me. And because of her, I think that the Copenhagen Half will be the only road race I’ll run this year and years to come, it will always be a tribute race for her.

Love you, <3!

 

My Running Shoe Evolution (review)

Pre warning to all Sneaker Heads… All these shoes are in use, so they aren’t in perfect condition ;).

From Left to Right: Nike Free Flyknit 4.0, Nike Free Hyperfeel, Nike Zoom Terra Kiger, Nike Zoom Wildhorse x2, Nike Flyknit One & Nike Free 5.0

From Left to Right: Nike Free Flyknit 4.0, Nike Free Hyperfeel, Nike Zoom Terra Kiger, Nike Zoom Wildhorse x2, Nike Flyknit One & Nike Free 5.0

I have been running now for little over a year but all these shoes have been my companions through that time. I wanted to do a post of these friends of mine and how I found the ones that work with my feet best. So this is a kind of review too.

NIKE FREE 5.0

The super  bright orange pinkish shoes! Before I started running these were more of a everyday shoes, but I have to say that I was really happy to have them when I started. They were my best friends for more than half a year of my running journey. I ran my first ever 10K in these!

I really like that they gave me a bit of support but basically let my feet and legs do the work. Back when these started to feel like they have given everything, I started looking for the next to wear. At the time I really didn’t like the feel of Frees, the upper felt somehow loose comparing to these. But I have to admit that I also thought that I need more support, that’s pretty much how you are instructed and I believed it, so I started lusting over the new Flyknit Ones.

NIKE FLYKNIT ONE

So, my parents sponsored these new sneakers for me. I was waiting them like the new moon. I ran my first long runs in them, those runs that you remember forever, also my first half marathon(part of my personal project, not a “official” race but more than important to me).

I always felt that they are little loose, and maybe too soft for me, but I think I just wanted them to be perfect so I used them and didn’t think more about it. Now, they are just way too soft and my feet just get all hurty and feel super tired after only walking in them. But I also feel that they were good transition and without them I wouldn’t learn what would be good for me.

NIKE ZOOM WILDHORSE x2

These are one of my all time favorite shoes! They are trail running shoes but I liked to run pretty much whatever with them. I even did my longest run yet in them (28,8km), which was mixture of everything. I loved them so much that I used them all the time, every where.

End of last year I spend a month and a half in Finland and got to test them on snow, ice, and terrain that we don’t have here in Hannover. I can happily recommend them, on pretty much any terrain. The upper is sturdy and keeps its form really well, even when wet. The sole is grippy on pretty much all surfaces except on ice, tried and fell on my ass awesomely! 🙂I really like that they have pretty loose toebox but they still feel snuggly. They feel nicely supported from the arch area but not too controlling. In the beginning they can feel like you are standing more on your heel, because the heel drop is only 4mm, which means that your heel doesn’t have that much under it, so it’s closer to a natural position of your feet. Some say that their calves got some pain after the first runs, I didn’t really have any of that. I have these in two sizes, they run quite small, so my, now old, size was little small on long runs. After realizing, thanks to these, I started using half a size bigger in all my shoes. I really like these and would recommend them to anyone who likes to have a shoe to run more rugged terrain and go to more minimal direction.

NIKE ZOOM KIGER

These are the more minimal shoe from Nike for trail running. In the beginning I didn’t like these at all, just no. They took quite long for me to actually start really liking them. Now I really like to run in them and use them when walking too.

The upper is looser than on the Wildhorse and I think that bothered me in the beginning, also they don’t have this traditional heelcup which made me feel that my heel moves too much, but now I really like that the shoe doesn’t control the natural moves of my feet while running. They have pretty identical sole to Wildhorse, except that it’s not “so” supported, so the biggest difference is in the upper. They are more minimal than the Wildhorse so, if you want to have that then this might be your shoe.These two models are more what my feet work well in and at the same time, end of last year, I started studying more and more about how our feet and legs work. I also got injured from too much running too soon and when I was injured I wanted to educate myself, to be able to understand what’s going on in me when I’m running. And be able to train without getting injured again.

All that I learned opened my eyes a lot about how we are instructed to wear while running or in general on our feet. Because of my previous injuries, I have been able to get my whole body little lopsided so I needed and still need to get myself “straight” and felt that if my natural way of moving is controlled I’m doing more harm than good to the process of getting better. And since I started getting deeper in to my learning process, I realized that I should give my feet a rest and let them figure out their natural way to do things.

The main problems were really bad shin splints and plantar fasciitis on my right foot. Usually you treat them with rest and more support, I tried, that made it worse. I also learned that only resting is not the best option. It makes sense now, but I didn’t know that if I only rest, all the work my muscles have done, starts slowly going back to zero and then when I do start doing something again, they aren’t as strong and able to take what I’m asking from them. So the injury actually never really gets better and you just get frustrated and feel like what the heck am I suppose to do, I am doing all that I have been taught. So, what I needed and wanted was a new mindset, new ways of operating my body and less of that supportsupportsupport thing.

Our bodies have all the support we need, we just have to let them do the work they are made for. To my huge luck, I got the most amazing friend and I got the chance to try out these next two models, which ended up making my injuries disappear and get me back on my running feet :). Obviously, I didn’t get better only by the shoes, there was other work too ;). And run that Half Marathon in Berlin, that I had waited for so long! Now these two share the number one spot on my feet and in my heart.

NIKE FREE HYPERFEEL

Not your average everyday running shoe or that’s what I thought before. Before I tested this one, I heard so many different things, some said that they can’t run in these, some used them only to run recovery runs and some used them all the time. In the beginning I didn’t run in them, the Half was so close that I didn’t want to take any risks.

For me, the first thing I noticed only when walking, is that your feet and legs really start to work. There’s nothing that keeps them working like they should. That can make your calves feel tender, it did. So, my first tip is to start really slow with these, maybe just by walking and then gradually starting to run short distances. This, if your feet are used to supported shoes. It’s pretty much the number one rule when changing from supported to minimal shoes, slow and easy start.I think that’s the reason why some don’t like these at all, they start too fast and get injured because their legs aren’t used to using those muscles before. There’s not the support naturally and your body needs the supportive muscles to be able to keep the injuries away. One thing that really bother me these days is that after I realized how much all of our shoes these days restrict the natural way of moving, it makes you think what you wear.

In the beginning I also thought that these look ridiculous, but once I started wearing them and realized how great they are, I started liking how they look too :). The upper is a flyknit and it feels like a sock. I don’t use socks with these if I really don’t have to. And the great thing is that because they don’t have traditional sole, so I can just take the “sole” out after my run and wash it and that’s it.

Sole and the light support.

Insole and the light support.

I’ve heard and read a lot about how your gait changes after you start running in minimal shoes, not sure how much mine has changed yet, but I feel that my legs are stronger and I’m less on my heels. I tried running barefeet on grass and noticed that I don’t even put my heel down, so there has to be some truth to it.The actual of these shoes is like a waffle, it has these small nobs and they grip well on slippery terrain and also make it easy to run on any kind of roads. I really like to run in these, because I feel that my legs feel better and stronger. I love that I really feel the terrain under my feet. They give me just enough cover while letting me feet do the work.Only bad thing… and this is with almost all girl size sneakers, way too long laces, so I got shorter ones!! 🙂

NIKE FREE FLYKNIT 4.0

And then to the others on the number one spot :). Just a month before my Half when I was able to run again, I got these at the same time as the Hyperfeels. I wanted to try if I could run the race in these and from the first run, I knew all is going to be good :). My feet had found a new friend.Like I said before, I have these and Hyperfeels on the number one spot, I run in both. They work in a similar way but it’s good to have variety, so your feet won’t get too “comfortable” and will still work.

The upper on these is also a Flyknit, it’s made from one piece so there’s nothing extra which I really like. It’s the same as in Hyperfeels. I have had some problems with my old shoes with seams really bothering and even making cuts. With these there’s no problem about that. These feel like a sock too, they let your feet really move and there’s enough space for your toes, no squishy feeling. The tongue is attached to the shoe in a way that it doesn’t travel anywhere and doesn’t bother, as it sometimes can do. Like in Hyperfeels and Kigers, these have the Flywire which really helps the shoe feel like it’s made for your feet.

That yellow doesn’t come with the shoes… It’s some plant that we have here and doesn’t come off in the wash :).

The sole is little different from the old Frees, I feel that it gives more “room” for your feet to move even more natural. Nothing extra which makes them really light and you don’t even think that you have anything on your feet. That’s how I feel, and hope that others find them like that too.

For me, I like to run in these if I know that I will run mostly on asphalt and then with Hyperfeels if I know that there’s little all on my run. I have also used both of them while doing strength training and they work really well. Any kind of balance workout, you really feel the difference with these and old training shoes. With these you can’t cheat because there’s nothing holding you and supporting which I like.All in all I would recommend both of these minimal shoes to anyone who is looking to go to that direction or is already wearing minimal shoes. I have found that they are the ones that keeps me healthy and helps me getting myself stronger.

And, as you can see here, all of my shoes are Nike. I am a Nike head but I wear them because they work so well with my feet, if they would be terrible I wouldn’t wear them.

I’m not a pro in reviewing shoes, but these are my thoughts on how these shoes have been there for me and how they work with my feet. If there’s any questions, I am more than happy to help and answer anything I can.