Freedom

received_10155286336918458.jpegHave you ever stood next to the oceans soaring powers, spread your arms wide and just screamed from the deepest pits of your power? Well… I did the last time this past weekend and that my friends is real freedom!

There’s something insanely powerful with letting yourself feel that vulnerable as when you open your mouth and take a deep breath before letting it all out. We should do that more I am sure of that, but that doesn’t really come to mind these days, even though we have more to scream out than ever before. At least I had. It doesn’t have to be a bad feeling that or anxiety you scream out, it can be out of pure happiness! Just let yourself free from all that you’ve hold in and feel the deep rooted freedom sinking in.

But what is freedom, to you? How you manifest it in your life, or do you?

I believe that we need to go through a lot to be able to learn what freedom means to us, or at least we need to be able to stop for a bit to appreciate who we are. Stopping for a breather isn’t the cool thing these days, or let’s put that in another way, it’s way too cool to a level that you need to tell everyone you are stopping, then take a photo of that and share your stopping to everyone, to let them know you are amazing at it… Might sound harsh but it feels like it’s the truth these days.

There’s songs about walking to the beat of your drum, amazing songs I might add. But what does that mean and how do you in reality do that. Are we really free to be us in a way we truly want to be or are we deep down scared of the realness of our wishes and hopes. And yes, I am noticing I’m questioning myself a lot after my Grandpa passed away. But that’s only a good thing, it makes me push myself out of my content numb comfort zones. A bit uncomfortable at times, let me be honest. But needed and who I really am, always questioning the “norm”.

I think freedom is to walk away, it’s the power to say what you will keep carrying and what not. Freedom is the notion that you are allowed to change as many times you need. Freedom to be free from struggle that you weren’t supposed to carry in the first place, or were you? Maybe that was your way to freedom. All those steps before you set yourself free from the struggle that you needed to go through to be strong enough to know what you deserve and what not. Freedom is to stop hating yourself for what you’re not and loving what you are. The more you question, the more you level up in the game of lessons learned.

Never forget that it’s not mandatory to stay still and just accept what’s going on around you if it doesn’t make you comfortable. You are allowed, and yes I’m writing this again as it’s that important, you are allowed to change as many times you feel you need or want!

Love yourself enough to let yourself free from the chains you’ve built around you.

PMA ❤

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Scars That Don’t Want To Heal

471567_10150877147547726_1778206004_oWe’re always evolving, growing. But certain scars take a lot longer to heal than others. Some moments in our past have gone so deep in our soul that it’s almost impossible to be free from them completely. What to do to those scars that don’t want to heal.

There’s huge contradiction between old and new, scars and newly shed skin, having closure and letting go and missing closure and not finding your freedom.

While my past haunts me at times and reminds me of how broken and torn my soul still is, I’m still human and thankful of that exact thing. Moving on and past things that have been so traumatizing, is not easy and especially when you actually want to deal them and not just forget and move on. But there are days when it all feels a bit too much and you doubt your whole being, with thoughts that just don’t make any sense. Like why this is happening to me and did I do something so wrong that I’m paying for my own karma now? Why someone deserves happiness and I don’t? Why someone’s life is so filled with love and I’m here mending my soul?

All of these thoughts make me feel really confused as I have more love in my life these days than ever before. Why some little thing can throw you completely off your course? How you can feel so loved and so alone at the same time? But I think deep down we all yearn to be loved by that one special, even when we know that we’re not alone and are so very loved by our friends and family. And admitting to yourself that you are nowhere close to being ready for any relationship with that special kind of love, because you don’t want to have any old issues when you enter something new, is hard when you feel lonely.

We’re so used to judging others and how they live their lives these days that we forget how big of an impact we’re able to do to someones life with just a simple little joke or comment. Everything is so public that it seems that it’s all free for whatever comes to our minds. And when someone is actually private and keeps their business to themselves we get confused and judge even more.

But at the same time, those people who are honest and brave with who they are and what they are going through, are the biggest inspirations to me. They truly wear their heart on their sleeve, like I feel that I am doing. Maybe I’m opening the door for people to judge me, but I would not want to live my life any other way. This is who I am and I’ve been hiding myself majority of my life and have no interest in doing so anymore. That probably will piss some people off, which is okay to me too, but please keep your judgement and comments to yourself, because in the end of the day they only tell me how you feel about yourself not me.

It’s human to feel hurt and in pain, and it’s human to feel anger towards someone who’s done you wrong. But it’s also very damn human to be able to feel happy for those who have hurt you if they seem happy. To me that shows that I have grown so much and don’t need to keep that pain of hatred in me anymore, but I also don’t need to understand why they did what they did. I forgive but certain things are harder to forget, though at the same time those experiences made me who I am and without them I would not know what I truly deserve and what I definitely don’t. So my intention is to be thankful for all, no matter how damn hard it feels some days.

It’s terrifying how we can hurt each other and how deep scars we can leave behind. The more you talk to and with people there’s this sadness of people treating each other so poorly, puking their own pain and scars to those who love them the most. It all makes it so much harder to trust in love and good, even when you have it in your life through your friends and family, but the void someone has left in you can suffocate the good of others. When someone destroys your soul with their carelessness, it kills the joy in you and you yearn freedom from that weight so bad.

“Freedom! Freedom! I can’t move
Freedom, cut me loose!
Yeah, freedom! Freedom! Where are you?
Cause I need freedom too!
I break chains all by myself
Won’t let my freedom rot in hell
Hey! I’ma keep running
Cause a winner don’t quit on themselves”

Beyonce – Freedom 

No one knows what lies behind the smile that is on my face, no one has the right to judge my why’s, no one who doesn’t know what I’ve been through has the right to doubt my strength and my decisions.

I’m who I am because of my past, I’m proud of myself exactly because of that. I’ve worked so damn hard. I’ve loved even harder and gotten so gut wrenching broken that I wonder to myself how I’m still standing, but I am. Deep in me I know and believe that I deserve love and good in my life, even though how much there’s reasons to doubt that. I have the right to get mad and be honest and open, that is what makes me so damn strong! I smile so wide because of this all, my laughter comes from the deepest depths of my soul because I’ve been hurt so bad. I respect and appreciate my struggle and march in the rhythm of my own drum. And for damn sure, I will love as much I have until now, but I’m not interest in anyone’s half ass attempts of using my time. I deserve better than that!

LOVE. ALWAYS LOVE. PMA. ❤

Letting Go 2015 Like An Old Lover. Welcoming 2016 Like The Me I Am Now

img_2816“I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story – I will. I will speak and share and fuck and love and I will never apologize to the frightened millions who resent that they never had it in them to do it. I stand here and I am amazing, for you. Not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I AM MYSELF.” ❤

Until 2015, I feel like I’ve only lived for others. I started my journey to Me in 2015, but fell for my old habits and forgot how and who I am. This is almost like my manifesto to myself, in the most honest way possible.

2015 has been all about finding and learning who I am and what I want, who I truly am under all that fear of myself. It has been about heartbreak, love, pain, confusion, finding myself, conquering my fears, going after my goals for the first time ever, freedom, learning to love the skin I’m in and saying goodbye to people and habits I’ve outgrown or who are bad for me and my life.

I also made myself do a list of who I am. I am strong, passionate, talented, caring, special, loving, artistic, capable, beautiful, creative, loyal, trustworthy, sexy, warrior, deserving, enough, open, honest, brave, sucker for love, supporting. I know I am more than those but giving who I am and how hard making a list like that is, I am very proud of myself for getting those down. 

For the past week I’ve gone through the whole year over with myself, really pushed myself to deal certain things, to let go of others and forgive the ones that feel that hardest. I knew that I needed to do that, to be alone even though all of sudden it felt so scary, the one thing I usually enjoy too much. I knew that my broken self can still be whole in front of certain people, my brokenness doesn’t mean that I’m not okay, it means I’m strong enough to admit certain things to myself and give myself the push I need to deal and let go of them. Without the heartbreaks of 2015, I would not have woken up to the Me I really am. In 2015 I learned who I am as a woman, learned what that means, entails, empowers me and others, what I deserve and can say No to!

There’s moments when I realize things about myself and I need to write them down, this was one of them: You’re not any readier than they are to love again, so don’t push them and most of all, do not push yourself.

I know that these aren’t the things that we should be open and honest about, because at times it feels that we need to be all about slaying all and be good with ourselves, but letting go of a love that you had for someone, whether they hurt you or not, is HARD, whether you know the decision to be right. In short that shit hurts, because there’s people who take a bit more of your heart than you ever expected to happen. And even though I know that it’s the right thing to be alone now, my whole being rebels against that, not all the time but there are moments.

I’m one of those who fall hard, I love hard, I believe in the good of others hard with the notion that I might get hurt hard. I tend to open my heart in a way that it’s super easy to rip it open if you don’t respect the openness of it. I don’t second guess my gut feeling about how I feel about someone and how I see the good in them, even if they don’t see it themselves.

The love I wish to give and have is who I am, open and honest. I am tired of hiding or filtering my love and feelings in general. I’ve done that for most of my life. I want to be able to show my love and not have to think about if it’s okay. I wish to have that kind of love in return as well. A love that looks like that person who is proud to have my kind of love without wanting to push it down or me being someone else I am. No more filtering love.

I think I’ve finally stopped apologizing how and who I am. That was one big thing I learned in 2015. This is who I am, whether you like me or not, this is Me. In 2016 I want to truly be brave and let myself be Me, all of Me. To get to know that Me that I am, but have been hiding from myself.

” Be a better You, for You.”

– Sonya Teclai

There’s certain things that make you, force you to realize that you won’t be here forever. You look at your body and how it has changed, you know that it doesn’t work the same way it did couple of years ago. You look at your skin and how there’s lines that weren’t there maybe a week ago, but in the same time they make you look so much more beautiful. They show the life you’ve lived, the pain you’ve cried through, the smiles you’ve smiled with cheeks in pain. Growing up and older can be scary, but I’ve decided to at least try to embrace the journey of it all.

You feel the pressure of doing things you want to do before it’s too late, but at the same time you don’t want to rush through life, you want to really enjoy the moments.

You want to be true and honest with and to yourself, while being so confused with that all in the midst of feeling exactly certain who that is.

You want to take risks to be sure that you live but at the same time want to be in control of what happens when you take those risks. How to trust the jump when you have no certainty in what will come after you jump.

“I tell you what freedom is. No fear!”

– Nina Simone

How to balance those things you have raging in you. How to be happy with being alone when people around you are so far from that exact thing. How to be those two you’s that you are, how to live as one with them both. How to be that outdoorsy, less is more person and that ambitious, brave career woman who wants to be great at what she does. But isn’t it a balance that the other needs from the other? That is something I will tackle now. Learn how to make those equally good in me that I am in peace. Right now it feels a bit like I have to choose, but then it would mean that I need to choose one from two passions of mine and I’m not ready or willing to do anything like that. I don’t feel that I need to.

I remember how I said almost a year ago how I feel that my life just started for the first time, now more than ever I feel that, really feel it hard. I feel how fast time moves on but I want to forget rushing through it all. I want to forget the lure of being in a hurry. I can be and will be the best Me I can when I respect the both sides of me. I need to be, for myself, patient in what I’ve wished for my life to be earlier, when I realize that it’s exactly that now. Like I wrote before, watch what you wish for…

I don’t want to do any resolutions for 2016. I want to be able to listen to myself on a daily basis and really take the moments I have without hurry. I want to keep being honest about how I feel, especially if someone feels special to me, we don’t have enough time to not say those things, even if we don’t get anything back. I want to be patient and gentler to myself, more mercy. Past is past for a reason. Now is now for even bigger reason. Live in the now, not past or future, now. That’s my Note To Self.

MORE LOVE. MORE RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS. MORE SPONTANOUS ADVENTURES. MORE HONESTY AND BEING OPEN. MORE RESPECT TO ONE ANOTHER. MORE BRAVE ME AND MORE PMA ❤

 

 

 

Ain’t Got No…

IMG_1640Ain’t got no… time for bullshit, patience for negative anything, dishonesty, putting other people down for your own pleasure, for people who suck the positivity out of you. None for any of that!

Have you ever come to a place in your life where you’re just like “none of that shit anymore for me and in my life, thank you, bye!”? I’ve been about that life now for few months, and the freedom it brings, damn!

I’ve been way too kind to way too many people in my life, letting them walk over me and still thought the best of them. But when I was hurt to the core with just dishonesty and selfishness, I lost my interest in being anything to that person anymore. I have to thank him, for being who he was and waking me up, finally from my what should we call it, dream of that people are always good to others and don’t want to hurt you. Not that I’m saying that that one wanted to hurt me, but when we’re blind to how badly we behave towards others we don’t see how selfish and hurtful we can be. I’ve been there and been the one hurting, thank goodness I’ve taking a good and hard look at myself and grown out of that. Not a pleasant Me to be with, so I said Ok, bye to that Me long time ago.

I think when we realise how free and real we can be and feel, it’s a moment that is like reborn or something similar. The moment when you open your eyes and just know that you don’t have to care about what others say or think of you and your doing/being/likings. Freedom!

“Our scars make us know that our past was… real.”

– Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

I’m in a place in my life, where I’m loving whatever is making me feel something, whatever someone else is saying about that. Like loving Justin Biebers song for the sake that I just like it, even though I might not understand the young gentleman, just heck if his song makes me dance then I am loving it 100%.

I don’t think I have any real guilty pleasures or guilty secret likes anymore, as I just like them and not care what others say.

It’s funny how being back in Finland can start this questioning in me again, the one where my positivity these days is confusing others. The thing is, that in here being positive and openly happy and on top of that smiling to strangers is just wrong and weird, and maybe just because of that I do it so much :D.

It’s also good test to see how strong I am with myself now, will this place start making me smaller and more pessimistic again? Or will I keep my new found happiness strong enough to walk over those who question me?

This all is part of me finding more and more myself and who I am really and who I want to be. It’s so liberating to finally be just ME, nothing less.

So, no I don’t have time for any of your negative bullshit, I have time for honesty and openness. And love, always love. And hugs, because they are the best!

“I think the only way we can grow and get on in this world is to accept the fact we’re not perfect and live accordingly.”

– Ray Bradbury, The Illustrated Man

So, again, do not let others dim your light and make you feel like you need to change. Do you and keep shining like the shiniest unicorn in the world! ❤

PMA ❤