The Funny Thing Is That We Don’t Really Have As Much Time As We Think…

received_10155286336103458.jpegI’ve read those words quite a few times in the past years. It took until end of 2016 and all of 2017 to really deeply understand what they mean. We really need to lose a lot to understand how delicate and short this life of ours is. We love to judge others, no interest in understanding why some do what they do or decide to do with their lives. Why would we when we aren’t really living and doing what we truly want?

I was in a massive stress ball the whole of 2017, wondering at times why I just keep trucking along despite it all. When I lost my Grandpa, I made decisions I knew would set me free. My body was not in a good state because of the amount of the stress, my mind was strong as fuck but my exhaustion levels ran so high that I didn’t even know myself at times. I was just moving forward because I didn’t know anything else. I wanted to handle what I had with a manner that I could stand behind. I roughly saying, deleted people from my life that I needed to be without, knowing that my choices will cause some words, not caring because I knew I’m doing the right thing for myself. The way I handled 2017, I am immensely proud of myself, knowing I’ve made mistakes on the way like normal human beings do but being true to myself and fixing my errors when needed. I lived the year that I thought wasn’t even real at times, with the honesty I didn’t know before I had in me. So can not be anything else than proud.

I read this article today about what and how would we live our lives if we knew that we only have a week left to live? Or 5 years or 6 months? Have you ever thought about those, I have… My last year got me too close to those thoughts. Even though I thought that I’ve lived honestly the past years of my life, I knew nothing. I’m not saying that it’s always needed to lose a lot to see more clearly but shit, when you lose loved ones that shit makes you think. Especially when you lose a close friend whose the same age as you and someone whose been in your life since day 1.

I know that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but that’s completely okay. No problem whatsoever. I’m not living for you or your imaginary friend, I’m here for me and my loved ones, while being good to all who are around me because I have no need to not be nice to you unless you do something that makes me question your being. I do judge at times, I’m a goddamn human, so will never be perfect which is actually really freeing. But I will also be me without compromising, I have no time for that anymore. If you can’t take me, that’s not really my problem, sorry. Basically if I need to sum it up, it’s like this… Fuck expectations, no time for that, do you, be you, stay humbly honest and YOU!

Good friend of mine wrote about how this all glorified freelance life isn’t actually for everyone and how there’s nothing wrong with loving and doing your 9 to 5. I was in the middle of changing my life to what it is now and had been battling with where I should be heading work wise for the past few years, especially after my wrist surgeries. She was able to nail all my feels about who I am and how I have been feeling. I’m forever grateful for her words that came when they came. Partly because of them and this childlike dream, I work where I work now and goddamn love every damn day of it. Yes, it’s still just a month in but damn I’m back to what I love. I am, whether I want it or not, a customer service kind of worker, that’s my jam, that’s where I excel. That’s weirdly in my being and core. I always thought that it’s a thing you do when you’re young and then you need to grow up from it and figure out something grown up to do?! But what the fuck is that?! If you are at your best when helping people, and you can do your job with honesty and sell things that you believe in, why not actually do what you were meant to do? And once I started at my job, I realised how I’ve basically done the same job in different ways my whole life, if I’ve gone away from my path I have been doing really badly, so keep doing you, once again. So, oh hai, I’m your local heritage jeans and boots sales lady. And I love the shit out of my job!

But is there anything I feel I miss in my life, now that I have a dream job and another starting next week? I have dream friends, not many but that’s what I love. Family who supports me.

Well… If you’ve read my pieces longer, you know that I haven’t been the luckiest with love but always been courageous and had a faith in the whole thing, no matter what. But you also have to realise that I’ve been alone for a reason for the past 3ish years. Once you’ve been hurt the way I have and you want to get out better on the other side and not carry the weight of your old pain to something new, you want and need to be on your own to fix your own damn self. Love being who you are alone, and that’s what I’ve done. I have no problem being on my own, this shit rocks, maybe too much at times for my own good. But my heart is still on my sleeve, never left, just questioned if it was smart anymore.

It’s taken me few years to come to a place in my life where I feel that I would be willing to let someone in my life. I don’t need someone but there’s starting to be room for someone in it. I don’t yearn love or someone, but in all honesty I do have moments when I yearn the feel of someones skin on mine, or touch of someones fingers, or cuddles, spooning or hugs from behind. Yeah, those things I miss these days at some moments. And sex, because I’m a grown ass woman who loves her body. Nothing wrong with that.

There’s also this funny thing, that I could be super jealous of my best friend and his new love, which is annoyingly perfect and amazing. But I’m just that annoying myself that I’m over the moon happy for him and his love. That shit makes me happy, because the happiness I wish for someone I love is that kind of happiness. It doesn’t make me feel like I’m lacking something, it makes me think how damn lucky I’m to have a friend like that and to see that kind of real love. A love I have in me, and one day someone to shower with it.

After working pretty much all the time since I started, because I really love what I do, if I didn’t tell you that already, I am having a rare free Saturday today, which is the weirdest feeling ever. As I’ve lived very much freely for the past couple of years with no real days in my life. It’s also one of the first days in really long time that I am doing nothing as I had done everything during the week, I had nothing to do even at home that should be done. I felt lost and just wanted to go to work. But there are benefits when being alone when that feels weird. It’s needed. You might feel that you want to do something, or feel restless or just confused, that shit is normal. Just relax. And I’m saying that as much to myself as to you.

In all honesty, at the moment I’m in my sweats, drinking red wine I got for Christmas from a regular glass and listening to Finnish grime. All the while I kind of hoped spending tonight in a different manner, this will do. And that’s me being honest, even if I was a bit bummed before. We all need these moments when we wish for something else and get this haha. This stuff is life.

So, with all that being said, I’m not about making new years resolutions but I am challenging myself to keep my home clean and organized because I had no energy last year for that and I would love to have my home ready for someone to visit whenever, even though my home is kind of holy to me… But still, this is a challenge that my mind will thank me for.

PMA ❤

Advertisements

Asking For Help

img_4606Asking for help. Or admitting that I needed to ask for help. Or saying that I’m not feeling okay or that I’m not okay. Whether your journey with depression is old or new, the moment you have that realization that you need help is never easy.

I’ve talked and written a lot about my mental health journey, and still very much stand behind the fact that I think, that it’s a illness that you never fully “recover”, it’s something you learn to live with and find ways to deal. But when those ways don’t work and there’s too much stress over shadowing your life, it can be that depression is able to take the front seat without you even really noticing, before it’s “too” late.

Even with my open approach to my depression journey, the moment doesn’t get any easier for me. I still feel like I’m shit at everything and my self worth is just non existing. The loser feeling that my depression is able to put me under is so tiring that I just want to cave under it. It’s so hard to see anything positive, while at the same time you’re able to smile at certain things like before. As being depressed or living with depression doesn’t mean always or all the time that you are just lying in bed not doing anything about anything and wishing for your own death. That can happen, but there’s mostly days when you live your normal life and in those days you have moments when the pure weight of life is making your knees buckle. And those are the ones when your depression is able to weasel it’s way back to being the “main” feeling.

I’ve been struggling with my life and how much it’s full of change and uncertainty lately, not being able to just embrace it all. There’s been just too much. Way too much. And for example, I’ve really amazing things to wait to happen, trips to do, and I have nothing in me to truly feel exited. I know that I will be so happy while on them but at the moment, emotions of excitements are missing. It’s hard to push on when you are really struggling.

I managed to say to three people today that I need help. Two of them are my closest friends and I managed to say that I am not okay. One of them is my best friend, who knows me to the bones and back, who is able to listen and knowing really those feelings and bringing ways to see this all a bit lighter. The fact that I was able to say that I need help is huge to me, I remember times when that was just not even an option.

But the thing is, honestly, that admitting to yourself that you’re not okay is hard as fuck. You know in you that you are not shit like your depression makes you feel. You know that you are doing the best you can, and that feeling like you are a no good loser who never does anything good and doesn’t even know anything, is also coming from your depression. But those all are such a strong ghost to push out of your way that they have a tendency to suck you in, even for a bit. Depression is a bit of a motherfucker like that. It will find your weak moments to suck the last energy out of you.

Life is hard, and there comes moments when you just have had enough of those little things, which have piled to one huge one and you are ready to explode. I was so close to that yesterday and today I felt that it might really happen when I just start yelling out of nowhere because I’m so tired of so many things and couple small nonsense comments were almost able to push me over that edge. Edge that I have never crossed before in my life. But I’m so tired of feeling like my opinions don’t matter, and making myself smaller in front of certain people, tired of feeling like I’m not good enough. I think I’ve reached my limit and at the same time know and value my own self value. Finally.

I’m grateful that I’ve worked so hard with myself to find ways to live with my depression. I’m so damn grateful that I am so brave that I am able to say, with a lot of shitty feelings, that I am not okay and that I need help. I am so so grateful for my closest friends, for being there, understanding, listening, bringing some peace into this stormy mind and life of mine. I love you, thank you.

PMA ❤

Tired Of Struggling. In Life. Honestly

IMG_0752-0I’m so damn tired of struggling. In life. With those basic adult things that others seem to have all down. Struggling with everyday issues, like money, like where to live as a 32 year old, what to do for living to be able to be independent, like not feeling as lost with this all as I in all honesty do.

It’s close to 5 years or maybe even more since I had my own place to call home. A place that I paid the rent for and had like I want my home to look like. I didn’t have much there but it was mine and it was my safe haven where I could just be.

It’s almost 10 years since I had normal adult person bank credits, as in not having lost them, as in not having a big ass debt, and now being in a situation that I feel at times that I don’t have a future. Because I messed up as a very young and confused person, with severe mental health issues at the time. And I was medicating that feeling with buying and trying to be someone I’m not, because I was so afraid to really open myself and admit that I need help.

It’s a long long time since I had a regular day job, where I get a proper paycheck once a month, and with that being able to live a normal life, without the day to day struggle that I am in now.

My depression is definitely one big reason for being in my situation now. The fact that I lived in a time when having the certain outlook of yourself was so important played a part too. Me growing up when Finland had a huge economic depression, and not having maybe what others had, has something to do with it too.

And when I had my first real job, I just used my money like there was no tomorrow, because all of sudden I had some and it was mine. To make one thing very clear, I never felt that I was missing something growing up, I could not been more loved. But something in that time has left it’s marks in my age peers. I talked about this with my oldest friend just last week and we deeply agreed. Either you grew up to be super cheap and saved all your money, or you went to my direction.

The thing is that I’m not the only one with this situation, there’s too many of us in Finland, which is really sad. Things were different back then, too easy to get easy money and get trapped in it all. We are, I am, paying the price with my life. Pretty literally.

And when you try, you change your thinking and how you see the world, and go mentally forward. Ask for help, get help, open the whole bunch of embarrassing issues and go through them. Try to find a solution, find one but feel so tired at the same time, because you feel that you are just drowning and never being able to live a normal life again.

Now, almost 10 years later, my life is better in many ways that I couldn’t even dream back then. Myself, me, I am good. I have my ups and downs, my depression tries to creep up on me, but I have tools to live with it and I have the right kind of people around me. I’ve grown so much as myself that I still find it hard to see for myself. I don’t see my worth, there are moments but I need the reminder all too often from my friends. Material things just don’t mean what they did before, my belongings fit in my 120L Patagonia duffel bag still, except for all my books. I am happiest when I have really little. BUT. I am in a situation where I live at my parents place, not because I want to or enjoy it, but because I don’t have any other option, unless I find an apartment from the city, with council housing with the longest lines, where I live. I am 32, and I live at my parents. I feel the pressure to find my own place, for my own peace, for the peace of our whole family as this is not the way it’s supposed to be. I am insanely blessed to have this kind of family, because without them I have no idea what would’ve happened. I don’t know if I can ever really express how grateful I am for this and all before this. And it is very embarrassing to be the one that your closest friends pay lunches for because they know your situation, but at the same time know much it means to you to be able to pay for it yourself.

I am so tired of struggling. I am so tired of trying and working hard and trying and working hard and failing again and again. That might be more in me, the failing part of it, but it’s very real feeling in me. My trust in my own future is hanging on very thin thread at times. I made a simple mistake when I was young, mistake that snowballed so fast that it took over me, and now at my age I am paying such a huge price that it’s snowballing over my current life and trying to suck the last faith and hope out of me. I am struggling at days to have any kind of interest in trying, I’ve noticed how my depression has creeped it’s ugly self back and trying to get me to slowly give up. I know better but when you feel like the biggest loser example of how NOT to do things, it’s really fucking hard to not give up.

I have a feeling that some people think that I have somehow loads of money and because of that am able to do certain things. Nope. I don’t. I struggle every damn day to be able to eat lunch, because if I do, I know that I won’t probably have money for the whole month. I’ve been interning for quite many years, with really small amount of money in the hopes of it all getting better with getting that job after the interning period ends. Things don’t always go as you or your workplace hopes.

The choices I make with my money, are very thought out, I buy quality clothes and shoes so that they last long, my running gear is very very used and I am so blessed to have been given some gear from my friends all over the world, without them my running life would be a lot harder. I might prioritize my money to being able to travel to a place where I’ve never been to see those people I love the most, who I don’t see as much I would want and need to. But that all means that I will be so broke that I need to think half way through the month if it all makes sense. It does when I see my friends and am able to hug them and feel like a whole person, even for a weekend.

I still don’t have a clue where I would feel like home. I am still searching for my home place, country, spot, whatever. It’s not in Finland, but this is the place I need to be now, whether I want or not, and I need to do my all to make it good while I am here.

And now that I am waiting to get my wrist operated and knowing that after that I’ll be out of the working game for few months, doesn’t make me feel any better, it makes me proper terrified, to the broken bones and back. Try to feel hopeful for your future with all of this…

The thing is that I know how blessed and privileged I am, and that keeps me very damn grounded. I have a life that is so good, I have too much to complain at all. But fuck I’m tired of this.

The saddest thing is that this almost seems to be like the new norm these days, there’s too many in too many different places who struggle, in one way or another, young people who are trying to see their future and trust in it while the world and it’s situation makes it nearly impossible. We’re being divided more and more to those who live and those who struggle with the simplest things in life. And we all just want to be happy, do something we enjoy most of time, be loved and love back, just the simplest things in life, nothing crazy.

I am so happy that my mental health is in a place where it is now, if I was in such a bad place as I was in my early twenties, I don’t think I would be here anymore with all of this. I am so happy to have my family and my friends in my life. I am so happy that I know myself the way I do. I am so happy to be able to grow older and be more and more confident in my choices and life and how I live and love it. I am so lucky, but I am also so fucking tired of struggling. I don’t need to have anything grandioso, I wish to have a little place to call my own home, to have a job that ables me to provide for myself, I still don’t want to have that much more than that one Patagonia bag.

The struggle makes you tired and sad. I am tired of that. But the deepest feeling is still hope and faith in better in me. So if you wonder why I am able to smile and laugh so much, it’s because I truly have gone and am going through something that makes me appreciate the simplest things in a way that I never thought possible.

ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE. LOVE. FAITH. HOPE. PMA ❤

29 Days Of Gratitude – Days 19 To 28

img_3800Days just fly by and so much has happened. Apologies for not writing anything, life took over and my energy levels weren’t as high as I hoped all days, or then I just decided to live my life without writing anything. Both good reasons for me. 🙂

To sum up these days.

Something that I did start embracing earlier already, the confusion that life throws at you at times. Or some times more than you would wish for. I think it’s something that is good to take in and just try to go with the flow. We can never really know what will happen or control everything, which is good, so it’s better to just trust your journey and keep pushing on.

I think for me, trusting this journey of mine has been a bit harder lately. Even though I know and I have this certainty in me that all will be okay and that all my dreams and goals are moving forward. But still, embracing the uncertainty is not the easiest. Working progress for sure.

I’ve also really understood how important having the right kind of people around you is. I’ve learned it day by day the past couple of years, but it goes on with little extra pushes at times. And I’ve had the best moments lately, reminding me of just that.

Patience, that’s becoming my friend more and more. I’m learning and I’m not and will never be great at it, which is okay. But I’m getting better at it. It’s part of this trusting my journey thing. Without patience I will not make the right decisions or let myself really be me without rushing.

I’m so loved up and proud of the people I’m able to push forward and support. A great friend just went and won the Finnish Eurovision and she is going to be competing in Stockholm in May!! I could not have been any prouder of Sandhja for being exactly who she is and killing it all with so much love and character!! My voice might be far from normal now and legs tired from all that dancing and singing, but yesterday was amazing. Watching her from few meters, doing her thing to the fullest!! Support your friends, that’s what it’s all about! ❤

I kind of love the challenge life is giving me, it makes me follow my dreams braver than I’ve done before. It makes me take risks that I know in me that I will only reap so much benefit and memories and experience. It’s not easy always, thank goodness it’s not. I get to live my life with the best people, loving pretty much every moment of it and getting to support my friends as much as I can while doing this all! How great is that!!

Let’s love this all, it’s not going to last forever. LOVELOVELOVE. And be appreciative of what you have. Remember that good attitude of gratitude and love some more. ❤ PMA

29 Days Of Gratitude – Day 17

No filters whatsoever!

No filters whatsoever!

What up the most beautiful sunset in a looooooong time! Definite candidate for the spot of things today that I’m the most grateful for.

I’m going to do a little list of things, because that feels the best today.

Me feeling a lot better, waking up with a positive mind.

Feeling also that yesterdays run had been good, the little tiredness in my body felt great.

Finding new amazing music and sharing it with friends. And obviously jamming to it publicly :).

Feeling accomplished at work.

Getting a smile from a stranger.

Reading super interesting articles.

Getting feedback from something that was important to me and that I forgot to triple check before sending it forward. Be grateful for the mistakes you’ve made.

Having friends saying their honest opinion about certain things you need a little reality check at times… Love this. It’s about the honesty.

For making the most delicious salad for lunch, winning!

So more PMA, LOVE and SMILES! ❤