Depression. Epilepsy. Broken Wrist. What’s Next? Mostly Good I Hope

Photo by Markus Kontiainen

Photo by Markus Kontiainen

That’s how it has been. Depression. Epilepsy. And now broken wrist. And the last week and a half I’ve had time to think about this all. Thinking if this is some sick joke that I’ve had to deal with all of these in just few months.

Yes, I’ve had depression on and off since I was fairly young, runs in the family. But the last few years I’ve gotten the hang of that one, and know and feel when I’m “falling” and know what to do about that. And I’ve had epilepsy since I was 17, though the last 3 years without the medication and for almost 22 years without any seizures, until just before last Christmas and a week and a half ago. Oh yeah… And that broken wrist. I’ve written how I’ve managed to fall on my face couple of times last fall, but I got the news of my wrist being broken since last October and needing an operation involving a screw and bone from my hip, just on the Christmas week.

So with all of these, plus having some major heart brake issues, my interest in this all started to be under a rock. Since I met with my surgeon about my wrist early January, I’ve been more than down with my mood. The news about when and how the operation will be hit me really hard. I was smart enough to not google anything, but with nothing to wait, I was blindsided by it all. Now I’m on the waitlist for the operation which might be in two weeks or in 6 months. And the fact that after it I’ll be in recovery for 3 months. I just didn’t expect any of that. I guess I thought that it’ll be a day and then I’ll do some training with a physio and be done. To be honest, I have no idea what I expected.

The fact that I’m not capable of being myself 100%, is very and has been very disheartening. Yes, I’ve probably been a bit over dramatic about it, but hell, the fact that going from very athletic and capable to needing to ask for help with the simplest things and not being able to use your left arm is a bit shitty feeling. But all through all those feelings I’ve reminded myself that I have it good, it’s going to get treated and there are so many millions of people in the world who aren’t in the position I am and still won’t complain, so.

But what I’ve also been, has been depressed, tired to the level of light burnout, lost in the puzzle of people and how they treat you, and with all that in me already, my good old friend epilepsy paid me another visit. On a day when I last needed it, not sure if you ever need that but yeah. And at that point I just was too tired to be interested in anything. That was it for me. I had nothing in me to fight anything anymore. I was mad, sad and just thinking What’s Next? Bring It! I don’t even care anymore! Which is obviously total bullshit, because I’m incapable of not caring, but even I was close.

And when I was laying in the ER of the hospital and my doctor comes and says that we need to start your medication for the epilepsy again, I don’t know, I just broke a bit inside.

One of the biggest things for me has been that I’ve been able to balance my life in a way the last few years that I didn’t need the medication anymore. And now, knowingly what I shouldn’t do and what will trigger it, I’m back in a place in my life where I have to put few meaningful dreams aside because of it. There went my dreams of finally being able to drive a license and being able to do those road trips I’ve dreamt for a long time, going somewhere alone in a car I can sleep in. There also went the dream of living as clean as possible, as the idea of needing to eat that strong of a medication makes me sad and like I have no control over my own life.

In a way I was and have been mostly mad or disappointed at myself. Why with all the knowledge I have about my situation and my past, I go and do the exact opposite? Why I stop all that have made me feel that good and balanced my depression to a level that it’s almost non existing? Why I stop caring about my diet and think that something would have changed with me needing certain amount of sleep to keep my epilepsy in check? In the end I’ve been sabotaging my own self.

Why?

The way my last year went from start to finish has definitely had a part in that. It started and ended with a heart break. And now learning more and more about my HSP (highly sensitive person) and introversion, I’m not even surprised how puzzled it all made me. I lost myself in all of that, without realising that I need time to heal, really heal. I healed but not fully in spring time with running, I was heading to a great direction but I fell for someone too early and that was too good to not dive head first. Why not, I tend to believe in love no matter what.

But when I moved back to Finland, I was just in need of a change and I got that in the form of a completely new and exciting job. But as I do, I dove head first, and forgot that now I really need those good balancing teachings that I’ve practised so hard for couple of years. But when you’re excited you don’t have time to concentrate on things like good diet, sleep and exercise, right?!

So my first epilepsy seizure, late fall, tried to remind me of certain things without me listening to any of it. Then the news of my wrist tried to calm me down a bit, but it only made me angry and teenagey. So I needed the universe to really stop me cold with my second and hopefully last epilepsy seizure, to hopefully make me understand that it doesn’t make me a bad person if I’m not willing to risk my health for something else. No one made me or expected me to do that, just to make it clear, that was all me. But the challenge will be from now on, from next Monday when I go back to work. To find that balance, really work on me and finding ways to feel better.

Maybe this is part of some 30’s crisis, that I didn’t have when I was turning 30, or maybe this is some pressure that comes from the world we live in these days. No idea what, but I feel a lot of times we’re supposed and expected to be almost immortal and capable of everything without sleep and personal boundaries. The social media pushes new this and that to us all the time, and you feel even when you don’t really feel like that in you, that you need to want something or be something else that you are, or more this or that. I can’t do all of that. I’m one of those who are way too sensitive to be in front of all that all the time and try to exceed. I have no interest in exceeding because that’s impossible. That’s not me.

I saw an interview of Adele when her new album came out and the interviewer was asking does she miss being in the spotlight or does she have her own squad. What she answered was perfect. She said that not really because it’s not real life, and those who think that it is usually tend to be assholes. And that she has a squad, the ones that truly matter and care, and that it’s really small, and has gotten smaller and smaller the more known she is.

Without realising, that’s exactly what I’ve wanted to do for some time. To go in the background so to speak and just do my job really well. Push myself forward in those things, like writing and being healthy and a good friend and person, but doing it for me, not for others. And what I’ve noticed is that my “squad” is really small but the quality of it is off the roof! There’s spots in there for few more good ones, but my trust is a bit shakey these days so I apologise if it’s not that easy to get in. So again, less is more, in so many ways.

Also, how I feel about all these physical things that have been shaking my balance, is still something I thought long long time ago, I got them because something higher knew that I’m strong enough to carry them. I’m embracing this all now, it’s not all fun and games all the time, but I am embracing this and what it brings. I can assure you that starting your medication again and it making you feel like you are in a cloud of deep tiredness and foggy head and nausea, is not the way you want to spend a week, but I keep moving forward. I just needed to let myself feel all of that. I can’t be afraid of things that I love. I can’t stop being me, even if something like this is “back”. I am me, because I have all of these. There’s nothing wrong with me, and if they make someone think again about if they want to get to know me better, then that’s their lost, not mine. I do love myself like this, “flaws” and all. They are not flaws, they are parts of me.

LOVE. GRATITUDE. FAITH IN BETTER. PMA ❤

I want to thank all of you who have been my support through this. Thank you to my colleagues who helped and took care of me after my seizure. I am very grateful for this all, thank you.

 

Friends Like Mine And What They’ve Taught Me

by Anni Vaara

Friends like mine, is a hashtag I use always when there’s been something that kind of blows my mind with love about my friends, because they rock. So this is almost like a appreciation post to my friends. Thank you for being you and in my life.

When I was a kid, or pretty much my whole childhood, I was pretty lone wolf. I just didn’t feel comfortable with that many people and I didn’t understand kids my age, so I usually felt the most comfortable with people a lot older than me. Or with my Grandpa in his woodworking shed. He let me be me, without trying to change anything. He also let me “mow the lawn” at winter, but that’s a whole another story.

It’s taken me most of my life to be confused about why I am the way I am and why is it so hard for me to have friendships. I just didn’t understand how you do that basic social thing. I sucked at it on a level that was pretty amazing. I yearned being alone and on my own so bad but at the same time just wanted someone to call me and be like “you want to do something”. But when that would, very rarely, happen I got very uncomfortable. So there’s a little tricky situation there.

The moment I started feeling like I have people in my life, more than one, that I feel are real friends to me was just couple of years ago. I’ve never had a best friend before now, or I think in a way I have two. But it was only couple of months ago when I actually said to one that am I your best friend, and that childlike feeling when she said that Yes, was so nice.

Me learning more about who I am and why some things are the way they are to me, has been such an eye opening and confusing and helpful and so many other things in one. But what’s been the most gratifying, has been the notion that I understand my own speciality with an appreciation and not with like there’s something wrong with me. The day when I realized that I’m an introvert and highly sensitive person, it was like some door opened that had been shut down so tight that it took a lot of work to even peak through the tiny opening. Since then I’ve started to really get to know myself differently, with a different mind.

What that has done to my journey with people as friends has also opened me, but taught that it’s okay to say that I can’t do something that I promised, because I need to listen to myself more. I’ve learned that I don’t need to always be able to be there for others, while forgetting myself. I’m equally important and the most important to myself.

“There is you and you.

This is a relationship.

This is the most important relationship.

-home”

– Nayyirah Waheed

What those two people who I really truly share my life, have done to me, is to not share too much of myself before the person actually deserves it. This has been a hard lesson for me, because of my “I always believe in the good in people which ends up usually me getting used and in pain”, not the best thing to have always, but well what can you do when you don’t want to think bad about others. I don’t trust easily these days, so if I tell you something personal, it usually means that I think you are trustworthy and I truly wish that you won’t disregard that with your behaviour.

It’s a bit hard these days when it feels at times that others think that we are somehow dispensable and kind of only take what’s good for them in that situation and then throw you and your openness away. It’s crazy hard to find the people who are good, and legit honest. I feel that honesty is something that is not in high regard these days. I don’t need your jokes if you can’t be honest with me about who you are. I’ve done my fair share with compromising, I don’t do that anymore without a good reason so please do not do that stuff to me. Just tell me who you are without thinking that I will straight up judge you. I’ve worked hard with my own insecurities that I’ve had since I was a kid and I just am proud of who I am now and have no interest in changing for the worst anymore, thank you.

But with that said, I am goddamn lucky to have those two in my life. Their honesty and straight forward respect of our relationship is the best thing that has ever happened to me. They support me, push me, challenge the fuck out of me, laugh and cry with me, and all that other stuff that is amazing. But what I love the most is that I truly trust them and can say what ever I need to get out of my chest, that I would never say to anyone else. They also are those good ones, who are there no matter where we are in this world, close or far, the friendship is there.

What my other friends that I’ve gotten these past couple of years have taught me, is that I am good and enough, they like me for me. I have gotten more open and happy with their help, they are all over the world and I am able to ask for help or offer my help if that is needed, and even better when we just feel the want to offer it. Having friends from completely different backgrounds, countries, religions, all of that, makes life so much richer, it opens your eyes, it makes you see people and world with more love and understanding. And we definitely need more of those two in this crazy world of ours.

Now that I am, once again, searching my good old self, getting back to those simple things that are good to me, I need that tough love that I get from my friends. That honest kind of love. They calm me down, make me feel safe, make me push myself to that next level that they see is in me but what I doubt. They remind me that I am okay, and that those things that I am afraid of are okay too. But that they are there for me while I am afraid and want to push on.

2016 is probably the scariest year ever. So much has changed, me the most. I am getting closer and closer to that me that I truly am. I’m letting go, of so many things that I’ve carried in me for years and years. I’m setting myself free, truly free. I am willing to give myself that break, again. I’m realizing how beautiful and diverse and brave I am. The fact that I am not like others is the best part of this all.

What I want to say is, Thank You, who are in my life. You make this journey better than it has ever been, with all the ups and downs. Thank You, I really deeply truly appreciate your friendship. ❤

PMA ❤

 

Fear. Broken In My Brain. Epilepsy. Love.

IMG_1876This past week was a lot to take. The honesty I got out today when sending a voicemessage to my soul friend all the way to Canada, it came out with tears, anger, sadness, laughter, all.

What that one epilepsy seizure last week managed to do, was way bigger than I ever thought possible, probably because I haven’t thought the whole decease in over 13 years… Or maybe at some points between that time 13 years ago and now, but less and less all the time.

I have been so angry to myself, to my epilepsy, for messing up something I thought don’t need any messing up. I was crying today while on a walk in stormy weather. Crying because I was tired of taking one thing after another this past year, like I’m made of some unbreakable matter that is ready for whatever the world has to throw.

I remember when I got my last big seizure, I was just about to turn 18 and my first thought at the doctor was that “can I have children?”. I remembered that today, and wondered do I still worry that same thing now after my last seizure. Honestly, not sure. I had so many years that I didn’t even want kids, so now I have no idea.

What the seizure did, was that it just pulled the carpet under me and left me wonder what to do with all the feels… I’ve felt more than broken and lost and sad and mad and angry and afraid.

It brought back this deep rooted fear. Fear of me being okay. If no one ever will love me with my broken brain. It dumped me in my depression and insecurities of not being worthy. Being worried of all the tiniest “not normal” feelings in my body. Fear if it’s okay to do this or that, because what if I get another one?

What epilepsy does, is wire your brain the way it’s not supposed to for a brief moment. You lose a unspecified moment of your life and you have no idea what happened in that moment. Other than leave you with bruises, cuts and blood on your hands. It leaves you with unsure feeling and worry of what just happened. You don’t understand why people are talking to you calmly and asking you simple questions and why they say that the ambulance is coming.

I remember thinking, long time ago, that some higher power must think that I’m strong enough to carry so many confusing, forever deceases. That there has to be a reason why I have epilepsy and depression. Both confusing and with no reason why. I guess my brain has been a bit broken since I was born. Maybe that’s what makes me so special, this is the part that my friend would be happy to read, and that’s why writing it makes me smile.

But today I really didn’t understand if I am supposed to be strong enough to carry these? Why me, why do my last year has to be a constant challenge? Mostly I felt sad, deep sadness that there needs to be something. I wanted to scream enough is enough!

At the same time, I remind myself how well things are in my life. Which almost makes me feel angrier, like I shouldn’t be allowed to feel all what I am, because I have to be grateful of the good in my life.

If something is certain, it is the fact that that one moment last Tuesday morning, made me feel confused and bring new perspective and honesty in my life. I hate that I can’t be as happy about certain things that I would normally. I hate that I need to feel sad now to feel better soon. I don’t want to dismiss all of this but I am tired of it. And I am more than tired to feel afraid again. Like I have to or need to prove something to myself again, after the work I’ve done to kick that useless fear to the curb.

One thing that made me feel really small was the thing that I needed to admit how much I miss being wanted and loved by someone, that special. I have no idea why it came so strong with this all, but it pushed it’s way to the surface and didn’t let me go before I said it out loud. It had nothing to do with me not loving myself, it has all to do with me wanting to feel special to someone. How beautiful would it feel if someone would say something like ” I know that your brain is broken and that you’re not perfect but that’s why I love you even more”.  This all doesn’t mean that I want to make something happen just for the sake of it, nope, but admitting that I would love to spend some time in the arms of someone nice and special, I need to admit that would be amazing.

How am I going to get rid of this fear that crept back in me?

I feel like I need to travel somewhere alone, even for few days to prove myself that I’m good. That I’m still all that hard work I’ve done, that it didn’t just disappear in that one moment. Be on my own and remember who I am. Get rid of this feeling that tries to make my insides dark again, which only makes me angry.

Like with all things, there’s good in this whole thing too. I know that I’m not alone with this. I have more love in my life than before, whether I’m missing that special one or not. My body is way smarter than me, so I should just listen to it. More less is more in the good way, of more water and good food and running and hugs and friends and one day that special hug, yep. I’ll promise to be better to myself and remember what are important to me under all that I thought are important.

LET YOURSELF FEEL WHAT NEEDS TO BE FELT. LOVE. SAY YOUR FEARS OUT LOUD. LOVE. CRY. FEEL THAT SADNESS TO FEEL BETTER. YOU DON’T ALWAYS HAVE TO SMILE. PMA ❤

Loneliness Or Just Reflecting Yourself?

photo by Anni Vaara

photo by Anni Vaara

That loneliness in a crowd feeling. It creeped up on me last weekend at my dear friends surprise birthday party. It crept and didn’t leave me be for couple of days.

I haven’t felt alone or lonely in really really long time, and now it just hit me hard. Maybe it’s part of me being an introvert and not feeling too comfortable in a group of people that are all social and bubbly and me not knowing most of them, and not being that much into going and asking someones name and starting a conversation. I instantly feel like some third wheel on a completely another level… I just wanted to leave the whole thing and not feel like that.

Maybe because I’ve been so much surrounded with people that are close friends of mine or who I get along great with, that I haven’t had this feeling in a long time, or maybe I’ve just been so busy at my work that I haven’t had any of these changes to be all lonely in a group.

There was few things that made me feel like I didn’t belong, first pretty much all the people there were in a relationship and there with their halfs, and I have nothing against that, I love seeing people happy. But something in it made me feel very alone and weird, like I wasn’t enough like I am, without someone. But at the same time I felt a bit, after a long time too, that it would be nice to have someone at times to share some parts of my life. Not all the time, everyday yet but at times, like Sundays haha, you probably get the point. But it would be very nice to cuddle next to someone who makes me laugh and feels comfortable and likes to spend time with me and wants to get to know me better.

“…You move on when your heart finally understands that there is no turning back.”

– J.R.R. Tolkien

I am definitely at a point in my life where I’m learning, the last pieces, to put myself first and enjoying what that all can bring, but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t want to feel special at times too. There’s something about that feeling when you get a text from someone who instantly makes you smile. But then I’m thinking if I would even have time to have someone in my life, probably the easiest would be to have someone in another country so it would be hard to feel bad that you want to be alone and not feel guilty that you just want to take things very slow and learn who the other one is, see each other from time to time to see how you feel.

Though, is that really possible?

Somethings that I really won’t compromise anymore are that I won’t be anything else that I am, I’ve done so many compromises with that in the past years in relationships that no more, thank you. If you want me to be something I’m not, please keep moving, I have no interest with the same love, that just breaks me and makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me and how I love.

Maybe that was why I felt surprised by that deep lonely feeling, I haven’t truly felt like that in a long time, it felt new almost. Almost like I am not enough or like there’s something wrong with me, which is all bullshit, there’s nothing wrong with me and I am more than enough!

“I am mine. Before I am ever anyone else’s.”

– Nayyirah Waheed

I feel like these days we want to make everything so hard with all these million ways of communication and it just makes me feel confused and yearn to those old days when you called to the one you were interest in and talked and maybe saw them and that’s it. Maybe it’s me, I am so open and honest with everything, without a filter with my feelings that I tend to freak others out. Then again, I don’t want to filter myself because I wouldn’t be who I am if I would.

Maybe it was good to feel a bit lonely like I did last weekend, it reminded me that I have a tendency to feel like that in a group without it really meaning that much more. I just like to be in a smaller group of people and not have to be super social with unknown people. And it was good to me to admit that I would like to have some warmth from another person in my life. And there’s nothing wrong with that either. But it’s also good to admit that I wouldn’t want or be ready for a serious relationship now. So all in all, it was good to feel how I felt. To reflect all that is and has been going on. Maybe there’s someone that makes me smile these days, maybe he knows. All I know is that my life is good as it is at the moment, but cuddles and those different kinds of hugs are welcome too. And I have to remember and maybe wish that we all remember, that we all were strangers to each other once.

LOVE. HARD. UNFILTERED. BE YOURSELF. PMA ❤

 

Learning To Let Go

IMG_0732“Sometimes you have to experience what you don’t want in life to come to a full understanding of what you do want.”

-Mandy Hale

I feel like the past year has been all about me learning to let go of what I thought belonged in my life and was part of it. It is a bitter sweet moment when you realize and just let go.

My kindness has always been the thing that has been holding me back, I’ve gotten knife to my back because of it, I’ve been used so much that it still wonders how people treat each other like that. It’s been almost like a bad thing to be as nice as I have. Something you would think is a good thing to have in you. But I didn’t have limits with my kindness. Until now.

The quote in the beginning of this post really describes my life well for the past month. I needed to be shocked out of my spot to a place I’ve never been before. I needed to get so disgusted and angry that I just “dropped the mic” and let go.

We all have relationships that makes us really open our eyes, whether they are friendships or loveships. I’ve had quite a few of that caliber this year. Good and bad, the ones that really make me think what I want and don’t want to have in my life. And once I realized that I am the one who gets to choose if those are in my life or not, winning!

I’ve always had my insecurities about people liking me, still have at times, which has made me do things and tolerate behavior that I really shouldn’t have. I’m not mad at myself for doing that over and over again, but I am tired of people being like that, to the extend of just almost deleting them from my life.

When you’ve always been a bit unsure of yourself and through that of the fact if people like you, being a people pleaser when you really should not… It’s incredibly hard to change your ways. And once I finally got tired enough, it’s been a like this huge mountain was lifted off my shoulders.

I’ve always also been really bad at being mad, for a reason, to people that has hurt me. And really said that to them. I’ve done that the first time this year really. Crazy hard, but very good for ones soul. And I don’t mean going all out crazy to someone, I mean saying things in a way that is clear and calm, explaining how you feel the other one made you feel. The closure is very needed in those situations but what if you don’t get it? I’ve come to realize this summer that it’s pretty often when there’s no closure, no way of talking things out, saying those things. And that was the moment when I learned really to make peace with the thing and let it go, for my own happiness.

“A long time ago I learned not to explain things to people. It misleads them into thinking they’re entitled to know everything I do.”

-Lisa Kleypas

I tend to always believe the best out of everyone, a side of me I still wouldn’t want to change, even if it ends up being the worst side of me too. I’ve always wanted to trust people, with the result of me being surprised by how badly people treat each other. I always, always, have loved people so much that I end up getting hurt, because I don’t want to believe that they would do something they’ve done to me.

These days I am more and more selective of the people I really let close. I surround myself with positive and good people, without forgetting to be nice to all I meet. I have no interest in turning bitter or jealous or anything. I don’t need to understand what or why someone does what they do, but I still can be respectful and nice to them.

Once you start to see yourself as what you really are, damn, you start feeling so strong. When I know that I haven’t done anything wrong, I can walk away from a situation with my head held high and let it go. I don’t have to think about it too much afterwards and stress about it, like I’ve done in my past.

I feel like my womanhood has really started with a bang this past month. I’ve shed my skin and walked out of the old me for good. I am proud of the person I am now, I know what I deserve and what I am willing to take from others. I also know that there’s nothing wrong with how I love and feel so strongly about everything. Through all that I’ve learned to accept who I am and have a calmer mind.

I know, or believe that one day someone won’t be afraid of me and will accept me in a way that I wish they would. That I am able to love them and share all in a way I should be able to, not hide anything. Less filters to this life and more honesty, communication and love, it’s not actually that hard. Basically, if you want to know something, it’s always easier to ask. 🙂

“Loving you, supporting you, believing in you always.”

PMA ❤