From #goals2015 To #cultureyear2016

img_2959I started last year with my first ever goals that I was adamant in actually doing and finishing. So I wanted something for this year that would fulfil me in that same way, even though they have nothing with each other. At all.

My last year was all about running until the last months. I was about running, my being was about it, it gave me the escape and therapy for all those things I was running away from and trying to deal at the same time. I had lost my Granma few months before the year ended and just in the start of the year a long relationship ended. I felt that running was the thing I could deal and heal from those. I felt strong and free and like I can go on, when I ran. I might have been broken and ripped open but when I ran I was okay, or maybe not always okay at all but I was moving and believing in myself even if I didn’t believe in many others at all. I felt so alone but so fucking capable and like a warrior queen at the same time. Weird combination but it made me do things I’ve never done before.

In the first months, actually three, I ran my longest run 30km, then the next month my first Marathon distance and the third my first Ultra. Alone, one Sunday, just running 50km because I wanted to show myself that I can. And I did it. On my own, like I felt that I need to. And then just couple of weeks later I ran my first official Ultra and it went so wrong haha. I still remember how I cried on this cliff next to the sea and was so miserable because all of my big dreams of that one went so sour. But I didn’t quit. That was then and still is the biggest thing for me. I have always been a quitter but I didn’t then and haven’t after that.

My original plan and goal for 2015 was to run three trail Ultras, I did that! I actually completed something I set out to do! Still pretty damn amazed and proud of myself!

Now that my few last months have been all about something else than running, I felt that I want to find my old passions again, some things that I’ve always loved but haven’t done in so long.

Because of my job, I got the opportunity to remember my other, long lost passions and interests again. When I was doing the styling for one music video, I remembered why I loved doing exactly that few years before. But I also wasn’t ready to do that kind of visual and creative work, I wasn’t sure and comfortable enough with myself. Now with more confidence I am able to trust that feeling I have about certain looks and feels about them. But I also felt that I need more inspiration and food for my creativity.

Little over a month ago I felt that I knew exactly what my “goal” for 2016 would be. It would be about concerts, exhibitions, shows, museums, movies, magazines, books, music. Anything that will feed my mind.

I already have two really amazing concerts lined up, Seinabo Sey in February and Adele in April. Both my favorite ladies, Adele is something that I can not describe my love for, because it’s HUGE! I also got one of the best christmas gifts ever from my parents, a museumcard, it allows you to go to any museum they are part of in Finland for free. Pretty damn stoked about that! Over 200 museums to visit :).

I spend the last week of 2015 in Stockholm, possibly my favorite city in the world. I needed and wanted to be alone and remember some things about myself. In that city I always find myself, and once more I made the promise to myself that one day I will live there. It’s where I’ve born and I just feel free and like it’s easier to breath for me there. But I also went to see these amazing exhibitions at the Fotografiska Museet that completely blew my mind. I love love loved all of them and highly recommend checking them out. What Stockholm also did for my hunger for inspiration, was to give me so many different visuals and smells and feels and just everything that I’m used to, as I haven’t been there for over a year. So it has this familiar but unknown quality to it for me. I got to run with a dear person in Djurgården, that was just amazing. Need to definitely go back to there, with all the time in the world, just wonder.

My goal, if that’s what it has to be called is to feed my all with culture. I want to see things that I wouldn’t normally see. I want to hear things I wouldn’t normally hear. I want to feed my hunger with things that I wouldn’t normally eat.

So, 2016, will be about culture! There will be running too but mostly about culture. Need to feed this system of mine as a whole, find new sides of me, find that thing that makes me the happiest, take days off from those that I knew already and find the passion for them again, in a different way.

MORE LOVE. MORE CULTURE. MORE VISUAL FOOD. MORE EAR CANDY. MORE PMA ❤img_2887

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I Believe. Again.

IMG_6468I needed to shake myself out of the slump I was in, when it came to my dreams and goals and running and training. Which means one thing. Me.

My motivation with training and running has been super low. I knew and realized what is coming and how soon, but nothing in me made me want to get up and go. I had to make myself do it. Pushing without wanting it. I was terribly afraid. Of the distance. Afraid of the fear.

This Monday I was talking to a dear friend about this, and he said few simple things that woke me up just enough to get a bit of a fight in me again. That night I knew that on Tuesday I will run furthest I’ve ever ran before. And that would be 30km. My longest run before had been for a good year, 28,8km. And I knew that I need to go over that to believe that I can, that I have it all in me.

I told this plan to a friend on Monday night, and he gave me an excellent advice, just run. I needed to hear that.

On Tuesday morning I was eating breakfast, watching trail running videos and while watching, I noticed that I was tearing up. I had this question in my mind… Am I tearing up because that truly is my biggest dream and goal OR because I know deep down inside that it’s not what I’m supposed to do?

I got the last and the best supportive words from my boyfriend and off I went. Btw, if any of you are as lucky and blessed as I am with a significant other who supports you and your dreams as much as mine, you are there!IMG_6479

For the first km I just kept saying to myself that “just run, nothing else, just run”.  And after a while that was all I did, and the km just passed like nothing. I explored for the first time in my life, I had no idea where I was going, but I just kept going. Found this amazing route going next to the seashore. Loving every step. Listening to the world around me. Thinking about whatever popped to my head. Stopped on top of a cliff to look at the frozen sea. I needed every step of that.

The moment when I realized that I did it, I ran 30km, I teared up and had to say it to myself out loud! You did it! You!IMG_6493

I found myself again, I was back. I felt amazing, like I haven’t just run 30km.

That 30km meant everything to me, everything.

I believe in myself. Again. And my motivation is back. I want this all and more. Listen to your dreams and go after them!

PMA ❤

To Sum Up 2014

IMG_6288For a good couple of weeks I’ve felt that I need to sum up 2014, mostly for myself. Though I think it’s nice to get it out there.

But the main thing is that I don’t seem to understand how much good has happened to me this past year. Others seem to see it, but I’m in this weird bubble of not realizing.

Today I went through my blog for the past year, checking the posts that I’ve written. Noticing how much has happened in really short time. Mostly really good things, a lot of doubt, some deep depression, and a lot of running. I’ve lost a lot in 2014, but I think I’ve gained even more.

The Spring was a lot of down moments, injuries and learning from them. And falling into depression from that all, but getting up and running my first Half Marathon in Berlin. Getting adopted to a running crew, Still Waters Run Deep MCR, to have a running family to call mine. Having my first interview, on Reason To Play, crazy important to me. Thank you Karen! I turned 30, and was stoked about that. Had the best birthday party with tacos and so much love! Trying to find who I am and what I want in my life. Finding so many new friends, the closest these days. Finally broke that 1000km that I was chasing. Started to train for my first Marathon that I never ran. Visiting family in Finland with a new mindset and had the best time.

The Summer time, wow! Things really started to move forward, there were a lot of things happening in Hannover, not nice things, that pushed me forward. Ran the nicest Half in Hackney, taking a crewmember and close friend to the finish line, Jamie, I’ll always keep that memory super close to my heart! That time in London got me so much more me, that I had been yearning. And got me so amazing new friends that boom! Those new friends helped me with the next chapter in my life. I finally admitted to myself that I need to move away from Germany, to be able to be truly happy. And all of sudden I was moving to Copenhagen to an amazing adopting family, Christina and the kids, you in my heart! 🙂

CHEER DEM CREW !!!!

CHEER DEM CREW !!!!

The Fall… I moved to Copenhagen, realized that I am in a long distance relationship for real. Had the most amazing first two weeks in my new home city and then the bomb dropped with full force. My Grandma passed away. It felt like all stopped. I was alone in a new place, couldn’t say my goodbyes, even though I knew that we had said all that we wanted. But still, her passing threw my whole life upside down. All of sudden I was so lost and didn’t know what to do. And one day I knew what I need to do, I need to move back home to Finland to be with my family. So I made the decision and this huge burden lifted from my shoulders. But before that I ran the Copenhagen Half in my Grandmas memory, to take the medal to her grave. I got the change to be my last weekend with all my international running family and my crew members, could not ask for anything better in that time of my deepest sadness. So much love and support that it just took over all the pain and carried me on. Thank you to all of you! ❤IMG_4888-0

And then I was back in Finland. My own family had been ripped in three, one in Germany, me in Finland and even my longest familymember, my dog had to be away from me. He has the best “step”home now, with his amazing Uncle :). No love lost there! But being without him and my bf isn’t the easiest, day by day situation but we do the best we can.IMG_6323

I had to deal or try to deal with the loss of my Grandma. Still no idea how at times, but day by day that gets easier. Trying to remember all the good, and there are a lot of those moments.

Living at my parents place, confused but happy to be with my family. All of sudden starting my new job, after not working for good three years. Just jumping in the deep end. Enjoying and terrified at the same time. Seeing Helsinki in new eyes, seeing way more good than ever before. But noticing that I am here only for little while, my journey is still not ready for settling in one place. At this time I wrote my first piece for Pavement Bound, new amazing website about all things running, where I’m one of the contributors at the moment.image (2)

And then things just started going forward so fast that I am still trying to figure out what is going on… I started running only in a forest, really giving myself the change to learn how to be in silence with myself and the nature. Really knowing that that is my happyplace and I just have no interest in running on the road if I don’t have to anymore. I had already signed for my first Ultra, Fyr til Fyr, this April in Bornholm, but I wanted more. So I signed up for White Rose Ultra, which is going to be in UK, also it’s going to be a 100KM. Dreams are meant to be making true!

I found this amazing new brand from Finland, called Arctic Warriors and I contacted them. And after some mails, I had them as my first sponsor for my Goals2015! They make the most amazing supplements, all locally grown and using old knowledge with the plants in them. Then when I was just searching for a Patagonia jacket and ended up finding one at Ruoto For Flyfishing store, talking more and more with the owner, Joonas. Ending the conversation to the deal of me being a trail running ambassador for their store, using Patagonia! Just maybe a week before this, I told to my friend that my goal is to be a runner for Patagonia! 😀 Not there yet, but the door is open and I’m ready for the adventure!IMG_5249

I started yearning simpler life and wrote a piece here about wanting a dirtbaggery life. And just before Christmas I was chosen to be an ambassador for Dirtbag Runners, which was insane dream come true!image (3)

So how can I sum up this year?! It’s been the hardest and the best year ever in my life! Every day brings something new, most of the time I have no idea what is coming and I’m slowly starting to be okay with it. My family is all over the place, my friends are even more all over the place and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world! Never had this much support and love in my life. I never knew that I can be in this great place with myself after all what’s happened. But here I am, sometimes sobbing my eyes out but most of the time smiling, because everything is pretty great and I am pushing forward, doubt and all. I definitely forgot a lot from here, but the main point is that I am in a good place and my dreams are getting closer to being reality every day. I have to believe in myself and them and they will come true! The struggle might be real but I have amazing belief in going through it no matter what haha :).

Thank you to all that I have in my life, I could not go through this year without you. Your love and support are the biggest blessings in my life and I am so grateful to have family and friends all over the world. Thank you! ❤ IMG_6294

Gratitude Post

IMG_6161Gratitude post it is! Because I think we need more of that in this world and I’m all about enjoy the little things these days.

Last week really reminded me or kicked me in the right way to open my eyes and really see how amazing this world is. And there is so many amazing, good people.

For few months I’ve felt more and more gratitude of all that I have in my life. The opportunities, the people, the nature, just all those tiny moments we have. For many years of my life, I didn’t see or hear any of them, even though they were right in front of me.

When I started talking about my depression, really honestly speak about it, I found people around me who are there for me like a rock. Support from people who have dealt with depression and knew how I feel. I’ve got friends, thanks to depression, who are for life.

When I started seeing myself in more positive way, all my relationships got better. It’s totally okay to protect yourself from negativity, and when I finally admitted that it all started clicking on the right way.

And even through all the hard times, when I stop and remind myself from all the good I have in my life, those hard moments get the real “size” and dealing with them is a lot easier. It’s about remembering to be grateful for what you have, not what you’ve lost. Memories won’t disappear, so keep the good ones and learn from the bad.

Now, I have no hurry when I’m running. It’s totally okay to stop and look around you, really see things.

The less I have, the happier I am. I am richer in so many more ways than I have ever before. The amount of love and support, it makes me really humble and I want to thank you all for it!

It’s all about PMA ❤

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Sabotaging Success

IMG_5782Yesterday I realized something… Every time when things start to go better or I start to see results, I freak out and start sabotaging my own success.

And this last week has been all about that. All of sudden I have been eating whatever, like cheese and even fish?! Also, I’ve gone all out with my old flame, chips/crisps.

I’ve drowned myself with so many things that I have been overwhelmed in the most negative way of all the good new changes in my life. Why?!

Because I’m terrified of the actual change that I could be truly who I work hard and have dream of being.

When I look myself in the mirror, I still see this overweight girl that didn’t like herself at all. I like or more like love myself these days most of the time but when I look myself in the mirror this old me just keeps looking back. I do have moments when I see the real, now, me… but too rarely.

A week ago I saw this strong, powerful, beautiful me and all of sudden I got scared.

In my whole life, I’ve never looked, felt and loved myself in the way that I am getting really close to. Not liking myself and the change is like a security blanket that I know how to deal, but I don’t know how to deal with this new me.

The thing is that eating those things actually made me feel physically ill… So why?

Why I want to have that feeling again that my clothes are too tight, if I hate that the most and I just have gotten rid of that…

I think I’m testing myself, in that same way that sometimes we wrongly test the people we want to keep close to us, to see if they leave. I am doing that exact thing to myself, to see if I really love myself, if I really am all about those dreams that I have, if I would finally have the guts to be who I really am.

What I can say is that this is not easy, from 30 years I’ve been unhappy for easily 28. Not obviously 100% of that time but mostly. Or probably I was happier when I was a kid when I truly didn’t care if me being different was a problem, but I remember still how that made me really sad too.

So, this is what I could have now… Loving and healthy relationship with myself, pleasant and proud look when I look in the mirror, no belly aches, huge support system all over the world and amazing new opportunities to follow and make my dreams come true.

The reason why this scares me, I think, is that as a person with depression and all the down sizing that comes with it, has made me not allow myself to be happy or have good things or success in my life. I’m pretty sure that many people with depression know what I’m talking about. We are good at helping others and give them praises but when it comes to ourselves… not so much.

I really want to change my mindset with this. I don’t want to slowly but surely go back to the old me, because the new one is so much better!

I have to say to myself every day, “I can do this!” and I hope that I trust that and go forward in a better and stronger me!

PMA ❤