Almost A Year, Since…

It’s so close to a year since I lost my Grandma. I look at the calendar and remember too well how these days felt last year.

A year ago after she passed away, I made a decision of running the Copenhagen Half in her memory. And this year, I will do the same. Now only less than a month to go to that day, I am feeling really anxious at times when running. I feel like I am not sure what the feelings I have inside of me are.

She was the first family member that I lost, that meant so much to me. Kind of one of those who you think will never die, but then she was gone.

I remember the last time I was with her, little over a year ago, just before I moved the first time to Copenhagen. She said to me that I need to be brave and really make this happen for myself. I deserve to be happy and have a life that I want. Last year I didn’t have that all in me, now I do but I am terrified if I will make it really happen.

And in a way that fear makes me mad, because she believed in me, which was a bit of a confusing thought after all she knew I had gone through and done.

But that is what I should believe myself, to believe that I do deserve all the happiness and what I wish to have in my life. I’ve gone through a lot to be where I am, so it’s my time.

I am running for her again, the only roadrace that I am running this year, giving the medal to my Grandpa, because it’s not about me and it means a lot more to give it to him. I have no idea how this year will go, I want to make her proud and I know that I will, by just trying my best.

I love you and miss you like no one else. You are always with me. ❤

Just before last years race, when all of the tears and hurt came out at once.

Just before last years race, when all of the tears and hurt came out at once.

 

Advertisements

Pain Makes You Love With All You Are – Run That Set Me Free

IMG_7600What I’ve learned in life is that you have to go through the pain to be able to embrace it and be free again. What I’ve also learned, is that once you’ve done that you are so open and loving that it’s insane.

Today I ran in the same place I did last September, the morning of the burial of my Grandma. I ran in a forest she called fairytale forest in my childhood. A place where she pushed my imagination and encouraged me to be exactly the special one I am.

But when I left for my run, I knew where I wanted to go but not why. Once I arrived at this spot in the forest, I knew. It was that spot I stopped on that morning, and I felt like she was with me in that pain that day, and today I felt that she’s there with me to console me in that pain that I need to release and embrace it all from now on.

I was sitting there and crying, for the first time because of her in such a long time. So much had happened since I lost her, that I felt with all my being that I haven’t really been able to say goodbye and say some things, like how much I really miss her. Because I really do.

I was just talking to her, out loud alone there, telling her things that I was afraid of, proud of, what I’ve been doing and what and who she would really like. And that I promise that I keep pushing on with keeping my dreams and my happy first. That was what she said to me before she passed away, and that was and has been the thing that’s been pushing me on when shit gets hard.

But this was also the first time I was in a situation where I’ve lost someone that important, someone who’ve helped me grow to that person I am now. Who’ve believed in me when I’ve really didn’t deserve that, at all. She didn’t understand why I ran but she saw how good it made me feel and how it had changed me to better and more to that special me.

I lost that me, for a good ten years, completely lost the one I truly was, because I thought that that wasn’t good. The pressure and uncertain feelings from outside got the best of me and I lost myself. But now I am back and I know that she’s pushing me on and that she’s so proud of me.

I needed this pain that I went through today, all the tears, all the sadness to be able to let go of what I had been holding. I needed to say out loud how much I really miss her. And how thankful I am of all she ever did for me. The amount of love she gave to me, made me humble the last year and showed and taught me how to really love myself and others. That kind of love makes you strong, so strong.

But I know that she would be so damn proud of where I am now, of all the work I’ve done with myself and how far I’ve taken myself. Jumping to unknown with the trust that all will be okay. Not that she would done that, but she supported me in those jumps whether she understood them or not. And she was honest in what she felt, and I loved that about her. It didn’t feel too good always, but we all need that someone in our lives who gives us that tough love and just grounds us. She really did that at times. Thank you <3.

Now I feel that I’m ready to let her go, and be able to just embrace the love that she had and still have for me. She’s always going to be with me, part of my life. In those small moments, like when I see beautiful flowers, I always think of her, no question.

So, sometimes a run is so much more than just a run and today was just that. But I still let running heal me, like it has always before and embrace it all. I still don’t have tools to handle things like this but I’m able to take them and give myself the time I need to figure the right way for me. And because of her, I think that the Copenhagen Half will be the only road race I’ll run this year and years to come, it will always be a tribute race for her.

Love you, <3!

 

To Sum Up 2014

IMG_6288For a good couple of weeks I’ve felt that I need to sum up 2014, mostly for myself. Though I think it’s nice to get it out there.

But the main thing is that I don’t seem to understand how much good has happened to me this past year. Others seem to see it, but I’m in this weird bubble of not realizing.

Today I went through my blog for the past year, checking the posts that I’ve written. Noticing how much has happened in really short time. Mostly really good things, a lot of doubt, some deep depression, and a lot of running. I’ve lost a lot in 2014, but I think I’ve gained even more.

The Spring was a lot of down moments, injuries and learning from them. And falling into depression from that all, but getting up and running my first Half Marathon in Berlin. Getting adopted to a running crew, Still Waters Run Deep MCR, to have a running family to call mine. Having my first interview, on Reason To Play, crazy important to me. Thank you Karen! I turned 30, and was stoked about that. Had the best birthday party with tacos and so much love! Trying to find who I am and what I want in my life. Finding so many new friends, the closest these days. Finally broke that 1000km that I was chasing. Started to train for my first Marathon that I never ran. Visiting family in Finland with a new mindset and had the best time.

The Summer time, wow! Things really started to move forward, there were a lot of things happening in Hannover, not nice things, that pushed me forward. Ran the nicest Half in Hackney, taking a crewmember and close friend to the finish line, Jamie, I’ll always keep that memory super close to my heart! That time in London got me so much more me, that I had been yearning. And got me so amazing new friends that boom! Those new friends helped me with the next chapter in my life. I finally admitted to myself that I need to move away from Germany, to be able to be truly happy. And all of sudden I was moving to Copenhagen to an amazing adopting family, Christina and the kids, you in my heart! 🙂

CHEER DEM CREW !!!!

CHEER DEM CREW !!!!

The Fall… I moved to Copenhagen, realized that I am in a long distance relationship for real. Had the most amazing first two weeks in my new home city and then the bomb dropped with full force. My Grandma passed away. It felt like all stopped. I was alone in a new place, couldn’t say my goodbyes, even though I knew that we had said all that we wanted. But still, her passing threw my whole life upside down. All of sudden I was so lost and didn’t know what to do. And one day I knew what I need to do, I need to move back home to Finland to be with my family. So I made the decision and this huge burden lifted from my shoulders. But before that I ran the Copenhagen Half in my Grandmas memory, to take the medal to her grave. I got the change to be my last weekend with all my international running family and my crew members, could not ask for anything better in that time of my deepest sadness. So much love and support that it just took over all the pain and carried me on. Thank you to all of you! ❤IMG_4888-0

And then I was back in Finland. My own family had been ripped in three, one in Germany, me in Finland and even my longest familymember, my dog had to be away from me. He has the best “step”home now, with his amazing Uncle :). No love lost there! But being without him and my bf isn’t the easiest, day by day situation but we do the best we can.IMG_6323

I had to deal or try to deal with the loss of my Grandma. Still no idea how at times, but day by day that gets easier. Trying to remember all the good, and there are a lot of those moments.

Living at my parents place, confused but happy to be with my family. All of sudden starting my new job, after not working for good three years. Just jumping in the deep end. Enjoying and terrified at the same time. Seeing Helsinki in new eyes, seeing way more good than ever before. But noticing that I am here only for little while, my journey is still not ready for settling in one place. At this time I wrote my first piece for Pavement Bound, new amazing website about all things running, where I’m one of the contributors at the moment.image (2)

And then things just started going forward so fast that I am still trying to figure out what is going on… I started running only in a forest, really giving myself the change to learn how to be in silence with myself and the nature. Really knowing that that is my happyplace and I just have no interest in running on the road if I don’t have to anymore. I had already signed for my first Ultra, Fyr til Fyr, this April in Bornholm, but I wanted more. So I signed up for White Rose Ultra, which is going to be in UK, also it’s going to be a 100KM. Dreams are meant to be making true!

I found this amazing new brand from Finland, called Arctic Warriors and I contacted them. And after some mails, I had them as my first sponsor for my Goals2015! They make the most amazing supplements, all locally grown and using old knowledge with the plants in them. Then when I was just searching for a Patagonia jacket and ended up finding one at Ruoto For Flyfishing store, talking more and more with the owner, Joonas. Ending the conversation to the deal of me being a trail running ambassador for their store, using Patagonia! Just maybe a week before this, I told to my friend that my goal is to be a runner for Patagonia! 😀 Not there yet, but the door is open and I’m ready for the adventure!IMG_5249

I started yearning simpler life and wrote a piece here about wanting a dirtbaggery life. And just before Christmas I was chosen to be an ambassador for Dirtbag Runners, which was insane dream come true!image (3)

So how can I sum up this year?! It’s been the hardest and the best year ever in my life! Every day brings something new, most of the time I have no idea what is coming and I’m slowly starting to be okay with it. My family is all over the place, my friends are even more all over the place and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world! Never had this much support and love in my life. I never knew that I can be in this great place with myself after all what’s happened. But here I am, sometimes sobbing my eyes out but most of the time smiling, because everything is pretty great and I am pushing forward, doubt and all. I definitely forgot a lot from here, but the main point is that I am in a good place and my dreams are getting closer to being reality every day. I have to believe in myself and them and they will come true! The struggle might be real but I have amazing belief in going through it no matter what haha :).

Thank you to all that I have in my life, I could not go through this year without you. Your love and support are the biggest blessings in my life and I am so grateful to have family and friends all over the world. Thank you! ❤ IMG_6294