Alone isn’t lonely or is it? There’s different kinds of lonely feelings or states of feeling lonely. Not everyone of them automatically mean that we want or need someone in our lives, like I feel that a lot of people assume when saying that I feel lonely.
Being and able of being alone isn’t a bad thing in any way. It’s necessary, without being able to be on your own and with yourself makes it really hard for you to be able to be with someone else. In a romantic relationship that is.
Though it is necessary to be able to be with your own self in peace, in general. To be able to take life without needing someone by your side is super important, at least to me. That doesn’t mean that we need to be alone all our lives, it doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t need anyone in our lives, no. It means that we need to be able to be at peace without someone next to us all the time.
I’ve never been good at having a lot of people in my life. Never had loads of close friends. In general I suck at letting people close, or I suck at it in a way that even though I’ve been hurt and back stabbed multiple times, I let people too close and then end up regretting trusting them. So after quite a few, million, tries I’ve become fairly cautious with people. So usually when I let someone close and actually get a good feeling these days, I let them know, which can scare some and I understand that. I’m at times maybe too intensive of a person. Or my weird in tune with myself being can feel a bit too much to some. I don’t know what it is, but I’ve never been the one who is asked out to spend time that much. I tend to spend shit tons of time alone. Most of the time I’m okay with it, but lately I’ve really missed having more social time in my life. After that gazillioned Saturday night alone at home you just feel like there has to be more to this…
I think my feelings towards loneliness and feeling alone have changed over the years, the more I know myself the easier it is to be with myself. My deep introversion loves the easiness and peace of not having too much happening, but that tiny extrovert side in me yearns it from time to time, and lately I’ve yearned it a lot. I think I’m also a person that people think have a lot of stuff going on in my life all the time and don’t think I feel lonely, but oh how wrong you can be…
After losing two dear and close people in such a short amount of time, or actually three, you don’t even realise how to mourn the loss, it’s not something that is in some how to book and then boom, sorted! I think it’s slowly hitting home, the actual pain and empty feeling about it all.
I’ve been having these almost calling moments to my Grandpa lately, in the past week I’ve almost called him I guess 3 to 5 times. In the last minute I realise that there’s no answer if I do that. I miss him like crazy, I miss hearing his voice and telling him about all the things in my life at the moment. I know how insanely happy he would be to hear about my jobs. I just would love to talk with him about this thing we call life, I miss those times so much it hurts. And here I am writing and really realising that all while tears stream down. That’s how much it all is.
So this loneliness I’m feeling has nothing to do with wanting to have a boyfriend in my life, I know it’s the easy solution that too many think would solve something. I don’t even remember or know how to miss something like that. I don’t have moments too often when I hope that someone would sleep next to me and hold me, yes sometimes, but surprisingly rarely. It’s just not that time now. It’s time to heal myself first, then I think something might happen.
In fact it annoys me quite a bit how many people think because I’m this age, I am probably in a relationship or want one in a desperate way or something as ridiculously similar. That shit won’t make you happy if you’re not ready to really be in one. We all know too many unhappy relationships and not too many really happy ones…
It’s also all too normal these days to be in a situation in your life where you feel completely alone while being surrounded by others or in a relationship. Alone while not physically alone. Because I’ve had those experiences I’ve wanted to rather be alone than in a unhappy relationship or with a group of people I just get nothing from or who aren’t all that interested in me in any real way. So I knew the “risks” in my choices…
Being content and mostly happy on my own is a mystery to many, that’s okay to me. And I know it’s not cool to admit that you feel lonely as hell at times, and just stare at the wall or want to take naps for 3hours. And no that doesn’t automatically mean that my depression is back in full swing, I know the difference all too well, thank you. I just miss my favorite person like fucking crazy and that is making me feel extremely lonely at times, and it’s also reminding me of how little I have those real close people in my life. And I wish that I would have few more, just to have more to do on those weekend nights, which in a way makes me smile now that I write this. Because majority of my friends are in a relationship which means that they are with their significant others usually on those nights. And my wish to spend time doesn’t mean going out, it means spending time together.
While being most of the time extremely happy with my life these days, I absolutely hate these moments of loneliness. Because all I want is to be hugged by someone for a real long time and be able to feel that I’m not as alone as I feel right at this moment. In general I wish I would be hugged way more. I rarely say No to a hug, very rarely. Especially to bear hugs, those are the best ones.
More hugs, more honesty about how we really feel, more love in general. Always more love.