Always With Me

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It’s been really long since I last wrote here. My life took a proper turn and then another and then just threw me out from everything I knew.

It’s almost a month since I moved away from Hannover, Germany to Copenhagen, Denmark. With no time to deal or realize what was really happening. Everything happened so fast that I still feel weirded out that I am here. It doesn’t feel real.

It’s been hard, it’s been good, it’s been new, it’s been beautiful, it’s been surprising, it’s been awful, it’s been amazing.

It’s really hard for me to put in to words how I feel and have been going through emotionally.

I don’t think I had any idea how this move would make me feel. Everything was really different than the last time. It’s always an adapting experience and I’m still in the beginning of this one. But this time I left part of my family behind for some time, for time that I don’t know yet. When that hit me, it was really hard to take, a lot of tears.

And this is the reason why I haven’t been writing in so long…

I lost my Granma little over a week ago. I didn’t want to write it, because then it would be little more true. I also didn’t know if I want to tell it to anyone, especially here. She was so much more than just a Granma. She gave me wings. She always pushed me to be me, not anyone else. She was gentle, tough, loving, warm, everything. She made up this amazing fairytale forest when I was small, it was this forest close to my Granparents place, but she made it magical. She made up stories and encouraged my imagination just to roam free and fly. She let me sit in the middle of their raspberry bushes, without no worry. She let me mow the lawn at winter, so I was basically just making awesome lines in the deep snow. She cooked the best food. She tried to teach me how to bake, which I never learned and still suck. She made the most beautiful christmas trees I know, they were always different and even better than the last year. She got up during the night to put my blanket back even though she knew that I will kick it off again. Most of the time we didn’t agree, but she accepted me. She loved me no matter what. She hated my tattoos. She was there for me.

And when she got sick this spring, it kicked the air out of me. To me, my Granparents are people who will never go away. And all of sudden I had to understand that I will loose them someday. Maybe sooner than I wanted to think.

I saw her the last time the week before I moved. She was so happy that I was moving away from Germany, because she saw and knew how unhappy I was there. She wanted me to find a place where I could have a life, where I could be me, where I could be like any normal my age person. And when I moved here, I was thinking all the time that I have to fight for my own happiness finally. That was what she wanted me to do. I pushed myself with her help. For the first time I didn’t want to give up. I didn’t want to let her down, again. I know that in a way she always had hope when it came to me, but I also know that she really hoped that something would finally change with me and how I lived my life.

She was one of the rare people that somehow understood what running meant to me. When I wrote her from London during Hackney Half, that I am running this for you because you can’t, it meant so much to her. Maybe she saw how much I had changed and how much happier and balanced I am because of running.

If this move isn’t hard enough with only all that it brings in my everyday life with everything new, this gut filling feeling if loosing part of you, made this even more challenging. But something changed in me. I wanted to fight for the first time, ever. I didn’t want to give up. And I know it’s her. She pushes me and reminds me to push on, to make myself proud, to show myself what I am capable of. All those things that she knew and tried to show to me, from really young.

I don’t know how to deal this loss. I have never lost anyone this close before. I don’t have the tools for this.

The only things I can do is remind myself of all that I have from her, all those millions of memories, all of her hugs, her tough love that really worked. Be grateful and try to be positive. That is what she would want me to do. To go on with my life and do all those things I am meant to do.

I will honor her and her memory by running the Copenhagen Half for her in two weeks. She will be with me every step. And this is the way that will help me go on with my pain and at the same time I am able to do something for her that she would really love, and she knows that it means a lot to do this for her. And I will lay this medal with her.

It’s really hard to let go, but it’s easier when I think that she is in this beautiful flower garden that she would love. And that she will always be with me.

The day after she passed away, I was walking with my dog and I just knew that I am not meant to run the Berlin Marathon this year. And as soon as I decide that, this huge weight lifted from my shoulders and I knew that it’s exactly what I need to do know. I didn’t feel that I am giving up, it felt right and at this moment I am listening myself more than ever before. I have to be gentle to myself, but tough in the right places too.

In a month, my life changed completely. I got that change that I was dreaming of, to get to another place and hopefully be able to start a life that I dream of. I lost someone who is part of me, but I am grateful and thankful for all. I am fighting and going forward, no matter how hard it feels at times. I have come this far, and it’s not the time to give up. Just listen to yourself. Breath. Think about the positive and breath the negatives out. Be thankful. Be grateful.

I love you, thank you for giving me wings and reminding me that I can.Β IMG_4624

Marathon Training week 4&5

This post is a bit delayed… I planned on writing this straight after I come back from London. Well sometimes things change and that’s okay too :).

Last week went between warm blankets and cup of tea in hand. So that part will be short but let’s put week 4 here.

Week 4

Tuesday – 3miles/ 4,82km planned, instead I took an extra restday and spend it with my friend and rode my bike.

Sneak peak from a little test photoshoot we did with my amazing friend :)

Sneak peak from a little test photoshoot we did with my amazing friend πŸ™‚

 

Wednesday – 6miles/ 9,65km planned, 10,2km done. Amazing relaxed run to prep myself for the Bridge the Gap weekend in London :).

Thursday – 3miles/ 4,82km planned, 5km buddyrun done.

Saturday – 11miles/17,7km planned but loads of fun run done! 8km around London, shaking our legs out :).

Sunday – Racedayyyy! 21,2km done in heat next to amazing friend, having waterwars and fun the whole time! πŸ˜€

Week 5

Tuesday – 3miles/4,82km planned, but because this was traveling day and I only had about 3 hours of sleep, I decided to take it easy.

Wednesday – 6miles/ 9,65km planned, 5km buddyrun done. Super tired and sluggish run, felt already a bit sick but just wanted to push through.

Thursday – 3miles/ 4,82km planned, spent in bed :(. And the rest of the week too…

But tomorrow I will be back! πŸ™‚ Today I will do some yoga and some stretching to make my body ready for running again after resting well.20140630-131948-47988864.jpg

 

Bridging The Gap with Hackney Half

Enjoying our time together with amazing friends at Primrose Hill

Enjoying our time together with amazing friends at Primrose Hill

How can I start this… It was one of those weekends. Filled with friends, love, happiness, running, dancing. Also new friends, good food, bike rides, sunrises and smiles.

This was my second Bridge The Gap event, and I was prepared for this one. I learned my lesson in Berlin, when it comes to eating and drinking enough ;). So I had goals, yes eat and drink, but get to that after party and dance my ass off, because I missed that in Berlin due to heatstroke.

But also prepared for not expecting too much, and mostly enjoying the moments without extra craziness. As I wrote after Berlin, I was sadly a bit disappointed in certain things, so this time I was wiser and also was able to let things fly over me without caring. Which made the whole time in London wayyy better. It’s all about learning. πŸ™‚

About that eating part ;). Cronut filled with raspberry  creamy stuff, yum!

About that eating part ;). Cronut filled with raspberry creamy stuff, yum!

The point of this trip was to see friends and run the race. I was so excited to see some friends that I had missed a lot during these couple of months, and how many new ones did I gain, it’s insane how amazing people there are to get to know! When it came to the race, I was so honored to be there for my friend, Jamie, to run his first Half. Sharing is caring and I could not be happier that I did that.

So, I arrived on Friday afternoon, met my amazing friend, Dani and we took my stuff to her place, got bikes and biked to the city. How nice it is to see newish places from that perspective! Best!

Best hostess the mostest!

Best hostess the mostest!

Though obviously I wasn’t ready for the switch of the sides while in traffic haha! But no accidents, only a minor fight with a fence when going over it haha! So, Friday was all about meeting people and eating and chilling. It was just so nice, could not ask for anything better. Night riding through London was pretty awesome.

Saturday came fast with a first Bridge The Gap event, shake out run and bbq. I have been dreaming of running with Run Dem Crew through London streets and now I got that chance :). Not only did I got the chance to run with Run Dem, there were people from NBRO/ Denmark, Patta & Running Junkies/Netherlands, Run Pack & Berlin Braves/ Germany, Paris Running Club/ France and obviously my crew, Still Waters Run Deep :). If I forgot someone, please forgive me.

Sunday! Race Day! Heat! Yes, so Sunday came and the weather was super hot already early in the morning, but this time I was prepared. I had my cap on and water bottle. Days before the race some people were saying that the course is quite flat… How wrong were they haha! It started with a hill and when you were just dead from the heat in the end, there was few hills more. During the course there were so many runners who just collapsed from the heat, so hydration was pretty big deal. We had great race, and the crowd around the course were so amazing, thank you! And when we got to Cheer Dem Crew, all happiness broke loose! I jumped on Ciaran in Berlin, and I warned him that I will do it again and boom, I did it twice! πŸ™‚ That feeling that you get from people you know cheering like their lives depended on it, is insane! Makes you feel like you can do anything, and basically you can!! πŸ™‚

CHEER DEM CREW !!!!

CHEER DEM CREW !!!!

I could not be prouder of Jamie, on how he ran his first half. It was not easy by any means but he pushed through like a champ!! On to the next one!!

Sneezy Panda Yeller and Super Champ!!

Sneezy Panda Yeller and Super Champ!!

I was so happy after the race, so proud, feeling good, surrounded by friends, can you ask for anything better?! And I was ready for the after party πŸ˜€ this time nothing would stop me from dancing!

AND THIS IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN I GET TO THE DANCE FLOOR HAHA

AND THIS IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN I GET TO THE DANCE FLOOR HAHA

It feels hard to write down what that weekend felt, it’s a lot. It’s been a week since I came home, got a proper after fun flu and now try to make all those feelings in to a blog post… What I can say is that these days with all these amazing people give me hope, and make me feel like home. I have this huge safety net of friends all over the world. I can be who I genuinely am and I am accepted, that is lucky! Obviously I am “secretly” planning the next racetrip to be able to see my friends again, and make many more. I will leave you with photos and stop trying to explain something which I can’t :). Thank you! You all are amazing! Till the next time! Love and hugs!

Run Dem Crew x NBRO x Still Waters Run Deep

Run Dem Crew x NBRO x Still Waters Run Deep

 

 

 

 

Marathon Training week 3

It started really bad with no motivation at all and ended with a bang of happiness!

Too much of pressure makes all fun go away, so the latter part of training week 3 was about “first easy and fun, then fast”. No useless photo pauses, too much watch checking is banned. Go with feel and remember for gods sake to enjoy the journey!

Also, because I have been stupid, I’ve been lacking on stretching and taking care of my recovery, I woke up friday with super nasty muscle pain on my calves. After that I’ve got back to smart choices.

So from no motivation at all to easy, fun and relaxed. On friday I will travel to London for “little” bridgethegap and seeing my dear friends and run Hackney Half Marathon :).

And now to last weeks runs.

Tuesday – 3 miles/ 4,82km planned, 5km done. The weather was insanely warm, so I went for run in late evening, but it was so humid that I was sweating like a little pig.

Wednesday – 5 miles/ 8km planned, 8,01km done. Slow buddyrun with the doggy.

Thursday – 3 miles/ 4,82km planned, 8,40km done. This was my “change” run. Before this run I didn’t have any motivation to do anything with my training, I just went through the runs because they were on my plan. But this one, I decided that I have to ditch the speed aspect from my mind. So this was all about no pressure just enjoying and damn, it felt good!

Sunday – 6 miles/ 9,65km planned for saturday, 13,1km done. Amazing run, pure enjoyment, just fun! So this is how running should be and then this training will be something I want to do.

 

 

Marathon Training week 2

Second week of training behind, ups and downs, mostly just insane sweating.

I’m little low on motivation for some reason. I like the plan, so I feel guilty if I want to be all lazy, that gives me a bit of a push. And this summer heat that we have here at the moment isn’t helping either, I’m not good with super summer heat. Maybe I’m more of a Northerner than I thought ;).

I’ve been lacking on stretching and strength training and without no good reason. Which has made my knees feel all stiff, so… Got to get my shit together!

Only two weeks and then I travel to London for Hackney Half, mostly just super excited to see my friends, old and new! I think Crewlove is what I need to get my head in this game properly again.

But I did all my planned runs this week which is a step to the right direction.

The plan is easy, mondays and fridays are rest days, and sundays are for cross training. So I only tell here about the run days.

Tuesday – 3miles/4,82km planned, 5,10km done. I try to take my dog with me on these shorter runs, as he loves to run with me. The weather is getting hotter and hotter here, which means that it’s hard to run with a dog, it’s hard for me too… On a normal day, it takes us about half an hour to run a 5K, but this time it took about 3 hours :D. It was more of a nice stroll with running sprinkled in between. Nice one too.

Wednesday – 5miles/8km planned, 8,06km done. Really nice run, felt strong and could keep going without feeling tired, which I have been having problems lately.

Thursday – 3miles/4,82km planned, 5km done. Morning run with the doggy, straight from bed to road.

Sunday (usually the long run of the week is on saturday) – 9miles/14,48km planned, 16,4km done. Okay, so where to begin… The weather was insanely hot and I left for my run way too late as in the hottest time of the day, well planned that one. On my good luck the day was perfect for trying my hydration vest, which basically saved me. Like I said, I’m not good with hot weather and for some reason I got really overheated and felt really dead super fast, bummer really. I also managed to get totally lost, just after I decided to run a shorter route than was planned. Which ended up me walking a lot. I finally found my way, with huge shafing spots in my inner thighs :D. Lesson learned, run early in the morning or late in the evening and don’t try new routes on a day like this :D.So Hackney Half is getting closer and I got my race pack in the mail, so let’s get that motivation back and keep pushing on!