It’s okay to feel just the way you feel

DSC04815.jpgThere’s this bubble in me that I feel I want to write out, but it feels stuck. Like I don’t find the words for it. I know what it is and why I want to write it but for some reason it feels hard as hell. It’s about saying how I really feel about things in a world where we are almost programmed to doubt ourselves in every possible turn.

Couple of weeks back I had an appointment with my therapist after almost a year. I felt that I needed a tune up time. I didn’t know if I was feeling messed up from the grief of loosing Grandpa still, or a crush that haunted me back then with no reason, or did my depression just try to creep back. Or was it a weird combination of all the good and bad that had happened in such a short amount of time.

Around the same time I said my final goodbyes to Grandpa, I started the best phase of my life so far. I found a place to work I truly feel I belong. And we all know how important it is to actually enjoy our work because it does take a majority of our days. But this is not about my work. But do find yourself one of those ones you absolutely love. Just do.

One big thing I wanted to start, or that’s what I thought, processing with my therapist was my own relationship with my romantic relationships. I’ve not been the luckiest or the best when it comes to those. I have done my mistakes and been the one done wrong to. It always goes both ways when there’s two in that kitchen.

It’s probably around 3 years since my last relationship, the one that left me in such a raw open wound state that I wanted to take the time to take care of myself, especially after realising how much it all had affected me. Now those years later I’m very slowly feeling like I could maybe let someone in a bit. I could be open to having someone in my life. Or so I thought…

Funny thing about talking about it all to your therapist who’s been in your life for few years is that she really knows your ins and outs. She able to challenge you and call out you on your own bullshit. I thought I know what was bothering me, and in the end that was the last on the list. Not the first time that has happened. My curse and a blessing has always been the fact that I know and want to know myself pretty darn well. I’ve never been afraid to go down and dirty with my feels. But with all of that I’ve always been super sensitive to the pressure that comes from outside, until the past year. My tolerance for pure shit has just ended. I will call you out if you treat me like shit, and will cut you out if you keep doing that to me. Simple as that. Obviously there’s always people in our lives who we aren’t able to just cut because they are in a way casualty through others, I know how bad that sounds but don’t know how to explain it in another way. You get my point.

So, I went to see her feeling all messed up, and came out with the clearest mind there can be. That messed up feeling had been mostly about the pressure of people who aren’t capable of taking me the way I am. Hi from the highly sensitive side of me… God there are times I wish I wouldn’t need to be like that, but then again how cool it is to be like this!

I thought that I am ready for something, which I’m truly not. The thing is that if I would be a guy no one would even think of saying things like “but your clock is ticking, I’m sure” or “I think you just need a man in your life”… There’s something really unnerving with the thought of a woman being completely happy with her life the way it is in this age. I’ve worked so damn hard to be where I am right now, that I am just enjoying it all without the need of something else. My priorities are weird as hell to most, but could I care less, not really. Motorcycle licence and that bike are pretty damn high on that list. Just sayin’.

And to be clear this all does not mean that I’m in some “I’m against men” phase, nope. I’m in that “I’m open if someone walks in my life” phase. But even if someone walks in it, that doesn’t mean that I have to jump to something straight away. I am willing to see with time if something comes, without the hurry to know it straight away.

I was reminded by how something super simple can feel the best, and how we don’t always need to do something. That I’m grateful. I love connections and breaking those age old barriers in me, that life has build around the true me I am. I yearn to feel a different kind of connection than just a lust or physical one. That’s just too easy. Anyone can do that, but talk to me and challenge me, that’s the stuff I need. And then show me what else you got.

I’m also in a phase in my life where I’m able to watch myself in the mirror and smile that smile you do when you have a crush on someone, but I just happen to have that on myself. I’ve worked so hard and never thought something like this could happen. But damn, I’ve never felt so comfortable with myself and my life. This shit is the best I know. Doubting my truth is pretty low these days, which feels amazing. Being me in and out, and finding who I am and being proud of that is something I’ve moved towards for so long. Now I’m reaping the benefits with the biggest smile on my face.

We are almost programmed to not be happy with what we have or who we are, that being unhappy is a normal state to many. I have no interest in that. I have been that enough in my life. Being content is not a bad thing to be. It doesn’t mean that you stop moving forward and wanting more, no, it means that you’re able to appreciate where you are after all you’ve been through. Let that push you and make you question what you want in a positive way.

I have no idea what will come in the next year, only that I will make that motorcycle dream come true, and those couple secret projects I have been cooking. And if in that year someone great walks in my life, I’m more than happy to see what that brings, or maybe they have already walked in. Let’s see.

PMA ❤

 

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Depression. Epilepsy. Broken Wrist. What’s Next? Mostly Good I Hope

Photo by Markus Kontiainen

Photo by Markus Kontiainen

That’s how it has been. Depression. Epilepsy. And now broken wrist. And the last week and a half I’ve had time to think about this all. Thinking if this is some sick joke that I’ve had to deal with all of these in just few months.

Yes, I’ve had depression on and off since I was fairly young, runs in the family. But the last few years I’ve gotten the hang of that one, and know and feel when I’m “falling” and know what to do about that. And I’ve had epilepsy since I was 17, though the last 3 years without the medication and for almost 22 years without any seizures, until just before last Christmas and a week and a half ago. Oh yeah… And that broken wrist. I’ve written how I’ve managed to fall on my face couple of times last fall, but I got the news of my wrist being broken since last October and needing an operation involving a screw and bone from my hip, just on the Christmas week.

So with all of these, plus having some major heart brake issues, my interest in this all started to be under a rock. Since I met with my surgeon about my wrist early January, I’ve been more than down with my mood. The news about when and how the operation will be hit me really hard. I was smart enough to not google anything, but with nothing to wait, I was blindsided by it all. Now I’m on the waitlist for the operation which might be in two weeks or in 6 months. And the fact that after it I’ll be in recovery for 3 months. I just didn’t expect any of that. I guess I thought that it’ll be a day and then I’ll do some training with a physio and be done. To be honest, I have no idea what I expected.

The fact that I’m not capable of being myself 100%, is very and has been very disheartening. Yes, I’ve probably been a bit over dramatic about it, but hell, the fact that going from very athletic and capable to needing to ask for help with the simplest things and not being able to use your left arm is a bit shitty feeling. But all through all those feelings I’ve reminded myself that I have it good, it’s going to get treated and there are so many millions of people in the world who aren’t in the position I am and still won’t complain, so.

But what I’ve also been, has been depressed, tired to the level of light burnout, lost in the puzzle of people and how they treat you, and with all that in me already, my good old friend epilepsy paid me another visit. On a day when I last needed it, not sure if you ever need that but yeah. And at that point I just was too tired to be interested in anything. That was it for me. I had nothing in me to fight anything anymore. I was mad, sad and just thinking What’s Next? Bring It! I don’t even care anymore! Which is obviously total bullshit, because I’m incapable of not caring, but even I was close.

And when I was laying in the ER of the hospital and my doctor comes and says that we need to start your medication for the epilepsy again, I don’t know, I just broke a bit inside.

One of the biggest things for me has been that I’ve been able to balance my life in a way the last few years that I didn’t need the medication anymore. And now, knowingly what I shouldn’t do and what will trigger it, I’m back in a place in my life where I have to put few meaningful dreams aside because of it. There went my dreams of finally being able to drive a license and being able to do those road trips I’ve dreamt for a long time, going somewhere alone in a car I can sleep in. There also went the dream of living as clean as possible, as the idea of needing to eat that strong of a medication makes me sad and like I have no control over my own life.

In a way I was and have been mostly mad or disappointed at myself. Why with all the knowledge I have about my situation and my past, I go and do the exact opposite? Why I stop all that have made me feel that good and balanced my depression to a level that it’s almost non existing? Why I stop caring about my diet and think that something would have changed with me needing certain amount of sleep to keep my epilepsy in check? In the end I’ve been sabotaging my own self.

Why?

The way my last year went from start to finish has definitely had a part in that. It started and ended with a heart break. And now learning more and more about my HSP (highly sensitive person) and introversion, I’m not even surprised how puzzled it all made me. I lost myself in all of that, without realising that I need time to heal, really heal. I healed but not fully in spring time with running, I was heading to a great direction but I fell for someone too early and that was too good to not dive head first. Why not, I tend to believe in love no matter what.

But when I moved back to Finland, I was just in need of a change and I got that in the form of a completely new and exciting job. But as I do, I dove head first, and forgot that now I really need those good balancing teachings that I’ve practised so hard for couple of years. But when you’re excited you don’t have time to concentrate on things like good diet, sleep and exercise, right?!

So my first epilepsy seizure, late fall, tried to remind me of certain things without me listening to any of it. Then the news of my wrist tried to calm me down a bit, but it only made me angry and teenagey. So I needed the universe to really stop me cold with my second and hopefully last epilepsy seizure, to hopefully make me understand that it doesn’t make me a bad person if I’m not willing to risk my health for something else. No one made me or expected me to do that, just to make it clear, that was all me. But the challenge will be from now on, from next Monday when I go back to work. To find that balance, really work on me and finding ways to feel better.

Maybe this is part of some 30’s crisis, that I didn’t have when I was turning 30, or maybe this is some pressure that comes from the world we live in these days. No idea what, but I feel a lot of times we’re supposed and expected to be almost immortal and capable of everything without sleep and personal boundaries. The social media pushes new this and that to us all the time, and you feel even when you don’t really feel like that in you, that you need to want something or be something else that you are, or more this or that. I can’t do all of that. I’m one of those who are way too sensitive to be in front of all that all the time and try to exceed. I have no interest in exceeding because that’s impossible. That’s not me.

I saw an interview of Adele when her new album came out and the interviewer was asking does she miss being in the spotlight or does she have her own squad. What she answered was perfect. She said that not really because it’s not real life, and those who think that it is usually tend to be assholes. And that she has a squad, the ones that truly matter and care, and that it’s really small, and has gotten smaller and smaller the more known she is.

Without realising, that’s exactly what I’ve wanted to do for some time. To go in the background so to speak and just do my job really well. Push myself forward in those things, like writing and being healthy and a good friend and person, but doing it for me, not for others. And what I’ve noticed is that my “squad” is really small but the quality of it is off the roof! There’s spots in there for few more good ones, but my trust is a bit shakey these days so I apologise if it’s not that easy to get in. So again, less is more, in so many ways.

Also, how I feel about all these physical things that have been shaking my balance, is still something I thought long long time ago, I got them because something higher knew that I’m strong enough to carry them. I’m embracing this all now, it’s not all fun and games all the time, but I am embracing this and what it brings. I can assure you that starting your medication again and it making you feel like you are in a cloud of deep tiredness and foggy head and nausea, is not the way you want to spend a week, but I keep moving forward. I just needed to let myself feel all of that. I can’t be afraid of things that I love. I can’t stop being me, even if something like this is “back”. I am me, because I have all of these. There’s nothing wrong with me, and if they make someone think again about if they want to get to know me better, then that’s their lost, not mine. I do love myself like this, “flaws” and all. They are not flaws, they are parts of me.

LOVE. GRATITUDE. FAITH IN BETTER. PMA ❤

I want to thank all of you who have been my support through this. Thank you to my colleagues who helped and took care of me after my seizure. I am very grateful for this all, thank you.

 

Curious About Life

IMG_1703Curious about life and what it has in store for me. All about that life at the moment.

It’s bubbling in my veins almost, yearning to learn more and more daily, to learn how new me works, yearning to know some people more and more, need of enjoying myself more than before.

It’s probably partly because of my job, but I’ve waking this childlike yearning in myself for learning to know more. It’s been really long since the last time that I’ve felt like I’m not afraid of the new. Of course I’ve been pretty fearless in my jumps to unknown the past years but while all of them and breaking myself free from all those shackles that held me back for so many years.

“I will not apologize for evolving past your comfort zone.”

I’ve been pulled back to being more without anything extra, being more in the nature, even for a little walk around the block for that fresh air. I’m feeling like I have too much stuff, which you would laugh at if you knew the “amount” I have. But I’m just yearning back more and more to that last springs less is more feeling. I’m dreaming of actually going and doing some hiking and camping next summer. Maybe finally in Scotland, after all this time dreaming of it. And I actually would like to share that all with someone, for the first time in my life. To share something that is beautiful and where you can be in silence without feeling uncomfortable.

There’s something in me that I don’t know, that makes me feel curious about everything now. Curious about knowing some people better, curious about visiting places again that I used to feel like I could breath free at. But at the same time, I’m not in a hurry, but I am ready to give different things a proper chance.

“I’m thankful for my struggle because without it I wouldn’t stumbled across my strength.”

I have a feeling that this all has something to do with the fact that my life is better than ever before. I have more love and happiness in my life than ever before. I have insanely amazing support in my friends and family. I have a job that I truly enjoy and get to better myself at, and which is a grown up job, first for me. So maybe my curiosity comes partly from the fact that I’m not used to feeling this okay with everything. Maybe it’s something that has been wanting to come out but I’ve just suffocated it for so long.

“You are under no obligation to be the same person you were a year, a month, or even 15 minutes ago. You have the right to grow. no apologies.”

I’m just more honest with myself, open to who I am, have more courage and feeling strong and confident. I know who I am and what is my worth. Finally.

I do not need to change a thing in myself.

I deserve all the love and happiness in my life, just like everyone else does too.

PMA ❤IMG_1846

 

Evolution Of Interests

IMG_1321Evolution of interests, when it comes to me, I’ve gone from one to another with a speed of light at times in my life. The speed of this in my childhood was pretty rapid…

I remember how I wanted to try every sport there was, almost. I started one, decided that I will be the best at it, but when realising that I need to actually do something about the fact that I want to be the best, I lost interest. Well, maybe that’s a bit harsh, but I really lost interest and still do fairly fast. Of course I’ve learned to be a bit more patient, but I admire people still who really concentrate on something and practise and practise and get insanely good at it and still keep doing it. There’s not too many things in my life that I would have even half of that effort.

I was thinking about this last weekend, when I was visiting my childhood city with my family and we passed this place I used to play table tennis at. I remembered how I decided back then that it was the thing for me, and also how fast I just dropped all interest in it.

I think since I was a kid, I’ve had this want of being really good, so good at something that people would be looking up to me. Not so much these days, but there’s still sometimes this want, this childlike yearn of it at times. I’ve come to realise that it probably had a lot to do with this insecurity and feeling of not being good enough when I was a kid. Maybe I was thinking in me that if I could just be really great people would notice me in a good way, not like usually at school, that I was in their way or the odd one or whatever.

The funny thing is that I think I’ve excelled at things that are more hidden. I have to finally admit to myself that I am pretty brave, at least these days. I was when I was younger too, I just lost that me for some time in between. I have always been really good at seeing little things in bigger picture, I’m able to use that skill these days in my work. By the way, now when I really wanted to list couple of things about where I am really good, I am totally blanking out haha. The point is that I’m not hiding anymore with what I have in me. I’m being okay with me being who I am and not like everyone else. I don’t have to have a university degree to feel good about myself anymore, or at least I’m finally getting rid of that feeling. And goddamn it was in me deep!

But still I have that in me, that weird way of being interested in something 150% and then after a while just loosing that whole thing. And then I find something else and dive deep in it… Not as fast or deep as before, but the tendency is still there. It’s part of who I am. And until couple of weeks ago I felt a bit almost annoyed by it. But then I saw this amazing TED talk about exactly that!

Emelie Wapnick : Why some of us don’t have one true calling?

It made me feel so much better about myself and how I take on things. There’s nothing wrong with that, actually it is a strength in me! YAY! I am a MULTIPOTENTIALITE!

I was also talking with one friend of mine, a new one and we were talking about how we are and take new situations, and he was describing himself and I was just thinking that that is me, that is exactly me! Which also made me feel good. I am not alone, of course I know that I am not alone with this but it is comforting to know that you have similar people around you. Which I do these days, most of my friends are like me in many ways. I have loads of introverts in them, people who fight their mental health battles just like me, people that I can be me with. I guess that’s part of growing up, you learn to surround yourself with people who understand you and push you in a way you need.

But there’s been this small concern about how I am when it comes to running. I’ve felt for so long this summer that I’m just not that interest in it. I felt that I’ve lost that fire in it that kept me going for so long. But in the end I realised that I’ve just made it feel too much of a HAVE TO and less of something I GET TO do. The pressure of all, in my head, got the best of me. The down side of having a huge friend group around me who runs and are pretty damn great at it. So back to the basics it is. I feel like that’s all I need now. Easier said than done, as that funny little child voice in me wants to still be the best… But I’ll try.

I feel that I’m finding myself in that speed of light these days, and it’s confusing and amazing at the same time. Scary as fuck, just to state the obvious, too! I’m all about this DO YOU life now. And every time I feel like is this good that I want to do this or that, I remind myself that just DO YOU and then it will be good! I owe it to myself to be true and exactly who I am. No one else can live this life for me or make me happy than myself, so I should DO ME and nothing else. 🙂

PMA AND DO YOU ALL THE WAY ❤IMG_9409

 

Finding Balance

IMG_1151I am in need of finding balance in my life again, so much has changed and my stoke level is quite high these days. I need to remind myself that I can’t be ON all the time, I need some peace in this all too.

I think we all search for some balance in our lives, at least sometimes. Right now, I am in this amazing bubble of happiness and contentment. There’s so much new in my life with good old things too, but I am a person who goes 150% when things are great and tend to forget to calm down while I do that. So I am in search of that. I guess I should be proud that I realised it all straight in the beginning and not too late, I’ve obviously learned something during these past couple years.

I’ve lived back in Finland now for two weeks, two weeks filled with YES! Basically the next day I flew to here, I had a job interview that went fairly well as I started working in one of my dream companies the next Monday, taken that the interview was on Friday. So things went fairly fast. The company is called Kauas Creative and like I said, it’s a dream place for me. I work as a Production Assistant, which is something I’ve wanted to learn how to do for some time now. Proof that when you dream and send those dreams to the universe, AND work hard towards your goals, things come true! IMG_1157

I am so damn lucky to work with friends and new people that are crazy inspirational and motivate and teach me to push myself more and more everyday. So this is a testament for me to show myself what I am made of and really have inside myself.

If there’s a down side of this all goodness, it’s the fact that I get so crazy stoked and forget to have those peace moments for myself too. Last week I was working those normal grown people hours and then coming home to this buzzing head that just wanted to create more and push with my own projects, which meant that my head didn’t realise that I need to actually sleep at times haha.

So, thank goodness I realised this all fast and reminded myself that I need to do things that calm me down and also bring me new ideas and push my body and not only my mind.

I haven’t been running too much since the Copenhagen Half, actually only twice in the last week. Which is two runs in over a month. Partly because I just didn’t feel like running at all, and when I felt a bit like that I managed to fall on my bike really well just two days before I moved to Finland, fracturing my left elbow a bit and getting three stitches on my chin. Yay! But I really noticed this week that my body and especially my head needs that kind of balancing act again. IMG_1202

The first run was short and slow, my whole body felt so heavy but I got to run in my favourite forest and trails which made me feel so good. I reminded myself that I need to take this all slow, listen to my body, be happy with little and just breath. I am actually really happy that I have to start in a way from zero, this is a great moment for me to practise that running is just running and that I don’t need any special goals now. It’s a relief and weird thing to grasp, my head would love to do this funny pressure thing, that I need to be able to run faster and longer straight away. For goodness, I just ran super strong Ultra this summer, why do I feel this sluggish now. Well, I am not going to go into all that now. Slow and steady, building the base and grow from there. That’s what I want to do now. Be active to be able to do the job I love and want to get better at.

It’s funny how easy it is to lose that balance. But then again that’s life and we always have the option to find the balance again. But in this case, it’s not about losing or being shitty at something, it’s about learning as we go. I’m not failing at anything now, I am giving myself the chance to learn more and show myself what I’m capable of. If I lose my balance while doing something I love, I am more than happy to lose it and learning to find it again. No problem whatsoever.

We’re searching and stepping into unknown in a way everyday, pushing to ourselves to out of the comfort zone. At least I am, I’ve learned that that’s the only way to find truly who I am and what I am made of and where I should go. Not an easy or nice thing always but just worth it.

My goal this fall is to be able to be active and run and go to the gym regularly while having my first grown up job in quite a few years. Probably pretty normal challenge, for me first maybe ever. And I’m more than happy to take it on.

So more running, learning to meditate again daily, eat and drink enough water, sleep sleep and sleep enough. This all while learning new everyday. Pretty damn amazing challenge to have! IMG_9407

PMA ❤