Ready For My Next Ultra Race Or Am I?!

IMG_8088“Appreciation is born through struggle.” – Unknown

A week to go, then I’ll run my third trail Ultra. I haven’t trained like I planned, life got in the way of it all. But does that even matter?

Lately I’ve been talking and heard people talking more about running than probably ever before. I am surrounded by passionate people who have goals and races they want to conquer and push themselves to. They are about pace and times, they love the things that make me cringe.

I’ve also felt at times like I am on the defense side of talking about how I run. Or why I even run. Why don’t I want to be faster? Or why don’t I want to run more road races. In another way it’s been really interesting to hear other peoples views about this whole thing. We all have our reasons, we all have gone through different paths to be where we are now. And to me, the person who is the last in the race is even more amazing than the one winning or able to run crazy fast time. Do you know what it takes to be the last? I do.

After Fyr til Fyr, I wanted to do better, I wanted to be better, I wanted to be stronger and figure out the things that went wrong there. I had a plan, for the first time ever. I started it, while knowing that I need to move my life to Copenhagen for myself. I was excited and terrified at the same time, still am. But then life started happening, more and more, and my free spirited self didn’t want to have a plan to follow and take the enjoyment out of the one thing that keeps me sane in the time of confusion. So in a way I threw that plan out the window and just enjoyed the ride.

This past week I’ve been asked about my race next week a lot, and I’ve kind of been just like yeah all good, I’m ready. Until last Monday I checked my calendar and realized that oops, it’s next week. Oh well, that’s me. That also shows how I’ve been happily just living my life, with all the ups and downs, and running on feeling. But then it came, that feeling of what I am doing in a week? I hadn’t checked the race or anything to do with it in a really long time. I just knew that I had a little run to do on that one Saturday on that small island.

I started questioning myself and what I’m doing, am I really ready, or have I done any of the things I wanted after Fyr til Fyr? Have I? Hmmm, I have no idea.

Well, that’s not completely true. I know I’m ready, mentally I’m really open and strong, even stronger than I was at the last race, that ripped me open and cleared my head. I think that’s something I’m really waiting, the ripping even more open and showing me what’s inside of me and what I really want from myself and my life. Physically I’m way stronger than I was last time, really, not because I’ve been doing what I was supposed to, but because I’ve given my body the time it needs to get better and stronger. I’ve ran with crazy tired legs and embraced the discomfort. And I know that it’s only temporary, if I do it all smart. Not over. I’ve also face planted twice in the last week, with good amount of cuts and bruises covering my body. So whatever is coming, I’m pretty much ready. Lovely, tanned girly summer legs are gone already… The ones that show that I’ve lived and hopefully learned are here :).IMG_8019

I’ve been reading a lot about different runners lately, how so many amazing Ultra runners have burned themselves completely out with having the pressure of their peers pushing the level higher and higher. I’ll attach this amazing article about over training in the end of this piece.

But the thing is, what I’ve learned the hard way, that if we really don’t listen to our bodies, they will stop us, one way or another. I injured myself with over training badly about two years ago, and I was out from running for a good three months. A time that made me face myself in a whole new way. I could either collapse under it all or I could learn what’s going on in my body and be smarter in the future. That was also the time when I promised to myself that running is what I do, not who I am. Something that I think is pretty crucial, even though without running I wouldn’t be here anymore. But it can’t be this lifeline for us.

“If you’re disappointed by running, then it’s not running that you’re actually disappointed, it’s yourself. You have to love who you are, because it’s what you got, it’s all you got. And you have to be grateful for that as well, I’m learning.” – Anna Frost  

The runners that I look up to, or feel kindred spirit to, are the ones who’ve struggled with something in their lives and came from that with a new view on this all. Anna Frost is definitely one of them. There’s a video from Salomon about her and her search for home, something I know quite well. The way she speaks about the search and how her over training got her in such a bad place that she didn’t know how to get out and didn’t want to run at all, makes me cry every time I see that clip. Sometimes someone can explain exactly how you feel, and it hits you so hard and deep that the tears just fall.

In the same way as I felt when I watched Sally Mcraes Western States journey, one of my favorite running films. The way she’s gone through things in her life, makes me feel like I’m not alone. And that’s really important. Both of those inspirational ladies talk about way more than just running. And that is the thing that is important to me.

Also the fact that they both look like me, in that sense that they are muscular and curvy and real woman without looking too dry, and for me to see women like they are is super important.

So the same gut feeling that I had when I knew that I need to move back to Copenhagen, it’s exactly the same about running Ultra distances just when I started running. I knew back then that I have that kind of tenacity in me, a side that’s willing to dig deep and go to those places where it’s not too nice, but so very real. I might never be as good as some people doing those, but I do not care. I’m doing it for myself, to peel those layers off and be open to who is under all of them.IMG_8077

The me that I have been after that last race, has been a lot to take. I’ve really been so honest and open and loving as I was straight after the race. It’s a state of being that is not the easiest all the time. In the little time that I’ve been in Copenhagen, I’ve gone through things and emotions, that make this time feel so much longer than it’s really been. I still wouldn’t change any of them away, I rather be willing to get hurt than not live. I am willing to feel the discomfort of uncertainty than be in control. I am willing to still love until I know that it’s not right. I am willing to miss the ones that I love the most, to show myself that I am filled with good and love. I am willing to get mad and let it all out, but I am also so very proud of myself for being me to the fullest. I am definitely living like I wanted, with all that I have. That’s how I’ve been running too, with all those emotions rushing through me. From frustration to anger to blissfully happy to exhaustion that makes you realize you’ve gone way over your own limits, and ending up being so proud of it all.

Next weekends race, I have no idea how it’s going to go. I don’t have a time goal, I learned from the last that anything can happen. I do want to finish the race, under the 9 hour cut off time. I do want to have fun and see what’s around me. I do want to enjoy what it has in store for me. So I am ready for it, when I really think about it, I am ready.

“If you wish to be a warrior, prepare to get broken. If you wish to be and explorer, prepare to get lost. If you wish to be a lover, prepare to be both.”

PMA ❤

Running on Empty – Over Training article on Outside Online

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When Stoke Level Is Just Below Zero

IMG_7995And here it is, the exhaustion of it all, of all the new and the try and just tiredness.

I’ve been in this place before, this is not the first time I have this feeling and this bullshit exhaustion in me. It comes every time I’ve moved to somewhere new, hell it comes sometimes even without the move.

I’ve been pushing on like no other, really liking the push, being able to forget that I might get tired of it too. Somehow you always forget how much this all takes out of you. All the new, all the new places, the people, all the questions of this and that about why you moved. And there comes a time when you would love to say “can I live?”. Nothing mean or negative, because it’s really nice that people care and are interested, but being on this side it can get a bit much.

Moving countries is never a walk in the park, or if you’re able to do it like that, you are definitely a super human and I don’t know how you do it. But I’m not a super human, I am me and I get these days when I just have nothing in me, I don’t mean that I want to give up but my stoke level is definitely below zero.

You feel alone as fuck, pardon my french in this post, and that feeling is the worst. Especially when I know that I’m not, but that gut wrenching of feeling alone. I hate that! Fuck I hate that!

You feel like what am I even doing? Why do I have to be the one who fucking follows her heart and jumps to unknown and just believes in all that? Why don’t my heart just be happy with settling and doing what I’m supposed to? But it doesn’t work like that. And I don’t even want to. Even though this is crazy hard at times, I really honestly don’t even want anything else.

You feel like you’re on top of the world and then you fall so hard and then you need to cry it all out and then you feel even more tired and in the middle of that all, you know that it will be okay. The happiness hasn’t left, it’s just taking a break to let the fear of all the new come to the surface. And oh hell, I am so afraid. I am afraid of failing, which I really don’t want to. This is the moment in my life when I don’t want to fail. I know that I can’t give up, and I’m not going to. But I am genuinely terrified! IMG_7773

I’m so stoked for others and there for them, that I tend to forget how much I have going on in my life at times. That happened again, slow learning process I guess… And it feels like you’ve gone through so much and so much time has passed, and you realize that it’s all happened in the last two weeks. So feeling overwhelmed is an understatement.

And there I was this morning with all this inside of me, in a way knowing what is going on and why I feel this tired but not really giving it the chance that it needed. And started my long run with a group of people. And I just felt like shit, nothing to do with my body, my mind was so tired that I almost wanted to puke. I’m so thankful that a friend, whose moved around and is not from here was running with me. The fact that I was able to say how I felt to someone who actually understood how I felt, so needed. But sometimes you need to get it all out, and in my case out of my eyeballs.

On top of this, I’ve always this thing in me, my whole life, that I know when something is happening to someone else. I know it before they say anything, or even realize it themselves. Some see things, I just get this feeling and I know. It can be so exhausting at times. And today it really was. There are days when you just would rather not know anything.

But that’s not life, life doesn’t care if you’ve had a rough day or week or feel tired. It goes on like it has before, and it should. And I never wanted to have a life with no ups and downs. So I am getting exactly what I ordered. Oh the irony!

You will get disappointed by the people you care and trust the most. And even on times when you really wish it would not happen. Friends that have been there for you, are so rapped up in their own that they don’t see or hear when you really need them. And this is the thing with loving unconditionally, you should never expect getting what you give, that’s not love, that’s business. IMG_7922

But it would be nice to have that text that says, how are you, without any reason.

I have this one person in my life, one that I care about a bit more than others. And the fact that having really rough time in their life and not maybe being able to ask that question, they still did. And how grateful I am to have that one in my life. The fact that they just listened, and let all those hopeless tears just pour out of me and still give me that much needed love and reminding me of what I have, and making me feel like I truly am not alone. It makes me tear up now when I think how important that was and is. I hope they understand how important they are to me for that and all the other they bring in my life. All I can say thank you <3.

I have to remind myself, once again, that being nice to myself is equally important as doing that to others. Actually even more. But it’s also okay to feel like this. It’s okay to feel like shit and be afraid and terrified. And it’s important to have patience with those things that are the most important. Give yourself and others time to really realize what’s going on, as it can all get a bit forgotten under the pure pace of things. And ask for help and say when you need a friend.

I might feel all to the max and even a bit over, love like there’s no tomorrow, forgive things that others think that I should never do, but at least I am staying true to myself and being me. That’s the biggest thing for me. I have no interest anymore in regretting what I do or say, because I know I open my mouth only when something worthy comes out. No more fighting against things that make no sense. How ever hard being me is at times, I still do not want to change anything about it. I am still very much blessed to be the me I am today.

So. After all of the shitty feeling, I am thankful for all that happened today and the past days. Hard and exhausting, I would not change a moment of it. These are the moments when I see the change in me and the ones that teach me so much more. And make me realize how goddamn strong I really am. And it happens again, while I type this all, I smile again without no special reason, the happiness is just rising it’s head and the love is pouring in me and out of me. I’m back and actually I was never away, this is me.

PMA ❤IMG_8010

 

Grab Your Life By The Balls – It’s Yours And No One Else’s

IMGP8079These past few months I’ve really come close with this weird thing that is raving around me. People want to put you down as much as they can if you follow your own heart, or are happy or feel that what you do is the right thing to do, whatever others say about it. Especially if it’s far from the “norm”.

The closer I’ve come to what I truly want to do with my life, the more I’ve come to notice that some people just don’t want you to succeed. The happier I am, the more I come across with negativity. The harder I work towards my goals and dreams, the more doubt come in front of me too.

Why is someones happiness such toxic poison to some?

Why doubt needs to be the first thing that comes up?

Why don’t we encourage the bravery?

I used to talk a lot about what I want to do and what I’m going to do, only to end up doing nothing. All talk no action. These days I rather stay quiet and just do what I want. I’ve learned the hard way that when you share your passion, the amount of people giving their two cents is just insane.

I understand genuine worry and caring about, but I don’t understand genuine drop your path because you shouldn’t do what we don’t. We are not supposed to do all the same, whether you feel it’s the right or wrong way to live someones life, it’s not yours to decide. What I think about someones else’s life, is something I should keep in me, at least as long as the other one actually asks what I think. It’s not my place to make a decision for someone else’s happiness. I don’t have to understand why someone does something, but I am not the one to have the last saying in what they should do.

I think we’ve completely forgotten how to encourage and push bravery on. It’s not like this world would be what it is these days, if there wouldn’t be those crazy brave ones who wanted to step out of the norm. How are we able to say that someone is really inspirational in one moment and then on the other that what they are doing is wrong, because we wouldn’t do it?! That doesn’t make any sense.

The downright truth is that we are here really short amount of time, and it would be insanely stupid to not do what makes us the happiest, even if that means that everyone won’t understand why. Why would we need to please everyone, it’s not their life to live. It’s about you and only you. This is your life and your decision.

I haven’t always done the smartest things in my life, when it comes to deciding my next move. But what I am doing these days, I know for a fact, that I am doing the right thing for myself. I don’t expect people to always understand why I do what I do, and why I jump from one to another like nothing. But I do respect their worry and concern. And I’ve gone through enough pleasing others and letting them control my life choices, that I have no interest in that anymore. I have no interest in hurting others either, but I am doing my choices in a way that I can stay true to myself while respecting the people around me. And if my decisions aren’t hurting anyone, then I’m doing the right thing.

I might not have this all figured out, but why the hell should I have?! Then I would not live, I would plan things ready and just stop and float around, probably complaining about things that have no real reason to be even coming out of my mouth. The moment I stopped complaining about useless stuff, my life got better. The moment I did something to those things I wasn’t happy about, my life got better. The moment I truly listened to my own heart and self, my life got better.

Living true to yourself and being truly yourself, doesn’t always float everyone’s boat, but it shouldn’t. We are not made from the same wood and we’re not supposed to do the same thing.

I haven’t done any of the things “you should”. I don’t have a proper education, which would somehow miraculously end up me having a proper job. I have messed up my finances so well in my early twenties that I am still paying the price for that. I still don’t have a steady job, actually none at the moment. I still don’t have a place to call mine or even a home. I still don’t have any money. I still don’t have that 5 year plan. My life still fits in just two suitcases. Or I’m still not married or have kids. And I am still 31 years old with nothing that I am supposed to have… But, I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I am richer in ways I’ve never been before. I am free from the old and open to what comes my way without the fear all the time. I have people around me, which I’ve let in my life and selfishly chosen to have, that push me and encourage me and believe in me and love me no matter what. And give me that tough love at times, without the need to kill my goals and dreams. I have the support of people around the world that see what I see in myself. I have no interest in being perfect or doing the norm, because that just doesn’t work with me. It makes me depressed and miserable. But I have insane amounts of heart and hope in me, I know that I am on the right path.

And when I start doubting this all, I know how hard I’ve worked to get where I am now and how far I am from what I’ve been. The less I listen to others and their two cents, the better I feel and closer to my goals I get. And I also know that if I need to ask someone if I’m on the right path, I know who to talk to. And they won’t sugarcoat the answer but be real with me. I might get hurt but at least I’m living the life I want for myself. I will struggle, but I rather struggle than not. That struggle has got me where I am now.

I understand and respect why some people feel how they feel of my choices, my history isn’t the brightest in that way. But in those moments I wish that they too could let go of the old and believe in what is happening now. I haven’t given up in so long time and I have no interest in giving up anymore. I did that for good 30 years. The majority of my life is in front of me and I am going to make the best of it. Jumping to the unknown like I have, loving with all my heart and more, keep being who I am and pushing on. And if I can help others while doing that, I am basically doing what I set out to do.

So what I am asking from those who are into doubting others, you don’t have to like what I am doing or someone else, but you do need to respect them enough to let them be them. Simply, you don’t have to like it or them, but you have to respect them. Or if you try to control them, you are just hurting yourself or becoming bitter because you didn’t do something you wanted. And that should never be the reason to kill someone else’s happiness and joy. Let people have their dreams and goals and go after them. Their happiness isn’t taking anything away from you. Try to find what really makes you happy and shine that light out! Negativity kills this all, so let’s stop that. With some good old fashion PMA (positive mental attitude) you get so much more out of yourself and your life. More love, more support, more YES!

PMA ❤

Why Have I Chosen To Go Plant Based

IMG_4752Why have I chosen to go plant based?

I had to actually take some time and really think how this all began. It wasn’t one day and boom.

For few years I gradually started giving up meat, as it just didn’t suit well with my body, I felt ill after I ate it. Then about two years ago when I saw the documentary “Hungry For Change”, I started slowly but surely cleaning my diet from processed foods and drinks. Then I gave up chicken, and about 6 months ago fish. Cheese has been the hardest for me. I have gone without it for long periods of time but then all of sudden come back to it, only to realize that it really doesn’t make me feel good and that it doesn’t even taste that good. I have always been almost known to eat a lot of cheese, so this was and at times still is a thing for me.

For the past month I have been really getting serious about trying eating only plant based food. I felt that why can’t I just go full on, why am I dipping my toes but not have the guts to really dive in?

The main reason for me to even start this change two years ago was the fact that if I clean my nutrition, my depression and other health problems should get better or easier. What has happened really has surprised myself on the best kind of positive way.

My depression and imbalance in my mind got a lot better quite fast after cleaning my nutrition. These days I have ups and downs but I have never been this balanced. I felt more energized and I was noticeable happier. Those are huge things to someone who didn’t want to wake up anymore because they were so tired of feeling that nothing is good or that everything is just dark.IMG_4996When I started running, obviously I got interested in learning more and more about running and people who run. One of the first I got really into was Scott Jurek, I quickly got his book “Eat and Run”. That really boosted my want and interest in becoming more plant based. His journey from meat eating to plant based was really similar to mine, so it was easy to digest the info. Of course the fact that there are good recipes in his book helps too. And also good answer to that age old question, “how do you get enough protein?”.

The more I studied about the benefits of plant based nutrition has on endurance athletes, the more I was convinced that this is a thing I want to try and see if it works for me.

Breaking old patterns isn’t easy.  And eating habits aren’t from the easiest end of changing things. In the beginning your body might feel sick just from the fact that the new clean stuff you are putting in your mouth is cleaning your body. Basically, the more sick you are the better you are cleaning your insides. Once you start noticing the benefits, it’s easier to keep going.

One of the reasons for me was also, that I’ve had migraines since I was really young, and when I was around 18 I was diagnosed with Epilepsy. The medication for Epilepsy in so awful toxic poop that I really wanted to get it out of my system. Obviously I didn’t stop taking them while I was suffering from attacks, but I had talked for couple of years with my doctor about quitting them.

But I did quit them and started using vitamin E to support that part of my brain, and for me that has worked without any complications. For me, not for everyone, so don’t go and do something without talking first to your doctor.IMG_4786These days I don’t really have any migraines, only after really long period of stress, that’s how my body sometimes releases it. But not those at worse one a week things anymore. Also this cloudiness that I had before, has gone away. That might be a thing that only people with headaches and migraines know :).

After I dropped milk products this weird and consistent joint pain disappeared from my knees, and I’ve had that for so long, since I injured my knees as a teenager.

I think one of the biggest moments with this nutrition has been on this Monday. On Sunday I went for a long run, didn’t know the route and it ended up being 23,3km of steep hills after another. Usually after longer runs my body is sore and my knees especially. This time, I felt amazing! I was dreading how my knees would feel after all those hills, but nothing really. That showed me that okay, this works the best for me and that I really want to keep going.

I’ve also given up using painkillers and such, I wanted to really get to know my body and if it really hurt or how much was in my head. I haven’t missed them. These days I use ginger for this purpose, and I am happy with that, not turning back!IMG_5177It’s not too easy to be a vegan or plant based or how ever you want to call yourself. There are places where it’s really easy to get food and then places where eating out for example can be a pain in the butt… But I think you can always figure something out, if you want to. I’ve decided to try to be positive and ask if there’s not anything on the menu straight away. It’s not too bad.

So, the benefits in my case:

– getting rid of my medication and having less problems with migraines

– getting my depression in a more balanced state, my anxiety is calmer, I don’t have to go from one extreme to another anymore as fast because my mood is more balanced

– having a lot more energy

– recovering from training faster and giving my body the best kind of fuel

– no more crazy dark circles under my eyes

– I sweat a lot less and it doesn’t really smell

– easier period pains

– skin is better and clearer

– no bloating

– digestion is no problems, no hemorrhoids

– no heartburn anymore

– clearer thinking, more patience, no sugar level jumps

– no addictive feeling, to sugar or some other processed foods or drinks

– natural weight loss

– hair and nails are in better shape and shinier

– breath is better

If I have to put something that someone would take as a “bad” thing…

– nails and hairs, yes all the hairs, grow crazy fast.

– graving of kale…

I think those are all I can think, so basically nothing! 🙂

This change in me might started from selfish reasons, but these days it’s partly because I want to be able to live in a World with less pollution and don’t want to cause pain to innocent animals. The more you study and do research the more you open your eyes to what’s going on, and what the World will be if I have kids someday. It makes you think.

Also, once you start thinking how much you have choices in eating plant based, you don’t think it as a chore anymore. You can eat so many things that it’s insane, it’s not what I have to give up, it’s oh my I am gaining so much! 🙂IMG_4275

Always With Me

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It’s been really long since I last wrote here. My life took a proper turn and then another and then just threw me out from everything I knew.

It’s almost a month since I moved away from Hannover, Germany to Copenhagen, Denmark. With no time to deal or realize what was really happening. Everything happened so fast that I still feel weirded out that I am here. It doesn’t feel real.

It’s been hard, it’s been good, it’s been new, it’s been beautiful, it’s been surprising, it’s been awful, it’s been amazing.

It’s really hard for me to put in to words how I feel and have been going through emotionally.

I don’t think I had any idea how this move would make me feel. Everything was really different than the last time. It’s always an adapting experience and I’m still in the beginning of this one. But this time I left part of my family behind for some time, for time that I don’t know yet. When that hit me, it was really hard to take, a lot of tears.

And this is the reason why I haven’t been writing in so long…

I lost my Granma little over a week ago. I didn’t want to write it, because then it would be little more true. I also didn’t know if I want to tell it to anyone, especially here. She was so much more than just a Granma. She gave me wings. She always pushed me to be me, not anyone else. She was gentle, tough, loving, warm, everything. She made up this amazing fairytale forest when I was small, it was this forest close to my Granparents place, but she made it magical. She made up stories and encouraged my imagination just to roam free and fly. She let me sit in the middle of their raspberry bushes, without no worry. She let me mow the lawn at winter, so I was basically just making awesome lines in the deep snow. She cooked the best food. She tried to teach me how to bake, which I never learned and still suck. She made the most beautiful christmas trees I know, they were always different and even better than the last year. She got up during the night to put my blanket back even though she knew that I will kick it off again. Most of the time we didn’t agree, but she accepted me. She loved me no matter what. She hated my tattoos. She was there for me.

And when she got sick this spring, it kicked the air out of me. To me, my Granparents are people who will never go away. And all of sudden I had to understand that I will loose them someday. Maybe sooner than I wanted to think.

I saw her the last time the week before I moved. She was so happy that I was moving away from Germany, because she saw and knew how unhappy I was there. She wanted me to find a place where I could have a life, where I could be me, where I could be like any normal my age person. And when I moved here, I was thinking all the time that I have to fight for my own happiness finally. That was what she wanted me to do. I pushed myself with her help. For the first time I didn’t want to give up. I didn’t want to let her down, again. I know that in a way she always had hope when it came to me, but I also know that she really hoped that something would finally change with me and how I lived my life.

She was one of the rare people that somehow understood what running meant to me. When I wrote her from London during Hackney Half, that I am running this for you because you can’t, it meant so much to her. Maybe she saw how much I had changed and how much happier and balanced I am because of running.

If this move isn’t hard enough with only all that it brings in my everyday life with everything new, this gut filling feeling if loosing part of you, made this even more challenging. But something changed in me. I wanted to fight for the first time, ever. I didn’t want to give up. And I know it’s her. She pushes me and reminds me to push on, to make myself proud, to show myself what I am capable of. All those things that she knew and tried to show to me, from really young.

I don’t know how to deal this loss. I have never lost anyone this close before. I don’t have the tools for this.

The only things I can do is remind myself of all that I have from her, all those millions of memories, all of her hugs, her tough love that really worked. Be grateful and try to be positive. That is what she would want me to do. To go on with my life and do all those things I am meant to do.

I will honor her and her memory by running the Copenhagen Half for her in two weeks. She will be with me every step. And this is the way that will help me go on with my pain and at the same time I am able to do something for her that she would really love, and she knows that it means a lot to do this for her. And I will lay this medal with her.

It’s really hard to let go, but it’s easier when I think that she is in this beautiful flower garden that she would love. And that she will always be with me.

The day after she passed away, I was walking with my dog and I just knew that I am not meant to run the Berlin Marathon this year. And as soon as I decide that, this huge weight lifted from my shoulders and I knew that it’s exactly what I need to do know. I didn’t feel that I am giving up, it felt right and at this moment I am listening myself more than ever before. I have to be gentle to myself, but tough in the right places too.

In a month, my life changed completely. I got that change that I was dreaming of, to get to another place and hopefully be able to start a life that I dream of. I lost someone who is part of me, but I am grateful and thankful for all. I am fighting and going forward, no matter how hard it feels at times. I have come this far, and it’s not the time to give up. Just listen to yourself. Breath. Think about the positive and breath the negatives out. Be thankful. Be grateful.

I love you, thank you for giving me wings and reminding me that I can. IMG_4624