Blips of Loneliness

wp-1480357086390.pngI noticed it last Friday, for the first time in a very long time, I felt lonely. In that way that swallows your whole being under it like a heavy blanket. In a way that doesn’t even really need saving but just to be there, let the feeling be “out” and move on. But it was still there, and it made me really think why it even came for a visit.

I’ve been so content with my lone life for over a year that this feeling felt just weird, like a unknown dark veil. Me being able to be on my own and liking the way I am capable of being alone a lot has always been a blessing and a curse for me. It let’s me charge my batteries, it let’s me think my thoughts which I really like to do, I love to be in my own head and just do some mind work. I’ve always been good at being on my own and figuring out what to do on my own, I don’t mind seeing no one in few days or more. I don’t need other people to make me feel whole. But there’s also the downside that I tend to be so good at this that I kind of over do it every now and then. And then I get this feeling that “will I end up being alone for the rest of my life, because no one even knows that I exist, as I really like to be on my own”.  And as the truth is that no one will come to your door and ask you out or “to play”.

The older we get the less we have these accidental places and moments in our lives for meeting new people or old friends, as we have been granted with the opportunity of making our lives the way we want them to be. Some like to be surrounded with friends or other people all the time, I tend to like my solitude to an extend where I feel lonely at times.

The more you learn to know yourself, the more you find ways that make you happy with your life. The more I’ve learn about who I am, that I am an introvert, that I happen to be an highly sensitive person, I’ve learned to accept the ways those help me understand myself and the surrounding world and how I need to listen to my body and mind closer than I did before when I didn’t know what those amazing and sometimes hard traits are that make me the me I am.

I’m no stranger to feeling lonely, I’ve felt that a lot in my life, but for the past year, I’ve been more or less really happy with who I am, being single and living my life with all that it’s thrown at me. And this year has not been easy, by any measurements. It’s taken more out of me than I knew could happen, but I’ve learned to know myself even more once again. For such a long time, I felt that I will just feel lonely and that it’s, but that was before I understood, really understood that before you love and accept yourself, you will never be content with yourself and your life.

But this past weekend, the loneliness really kicked in. I don’t know if it’s the time of the year, every possible ad and commercial is about being together and loving and all that squishy lovely stuff and finding that perfect present for “that” person. Is it that the age I am now that majority of the people around you, tend to have significant others and families, that people like me are the minority not majority. I haven’t even thought about that I would want to have someone in my life for quite some time, and that didn’t really come to me now either. And noticing and being honest about that makes me sure that I still need some “me time” before I can even really think about sharing my life with someone else. All though if I’m truly, utterly honest I do miss being close to someone at times, or that butterfly feeling in your belly or that cheek hurting smiling, BUT still it’s not enough for me to actually do anything about the whole thing. That’s how much I’m happy with my life right now.

And I also have to admit that me being pretty much always the one who has made the first move, and all my experiences in my past has made me extremely careful about even considering anything. I’ve noticed that I actually want the other one to make that first move, and make me feel special and wanted.

But the pure heaviness of the feeling last Friday was pretty overwhelming. It was so “right now”. I noticed myself just walking in the city with my headphones on and looking at people as they were rushing around after work, going to their company Christmas parties, buying frantically Christmas presents, or holding hands and smiling to each other. I don’t know why and how it was such a strong emotion all of sudden.

What I’ve started to do to challenge myself these days is to sign up for things that I haven’t tried ever before and with that having new experiences, meeting new people that I wouldn’t other wise, placing myself outside my comfort zone. I have plans like these for 2017, to really just do things that I’ve wanted for some time but just haven’t done anything to them.

But with all this, I also felt strongly that it’s good to feel lonely at times, if you would never feel that you would never think about if you wanted to change something or if it was just a moment or what. Loneliness isn’t the worst kind of feeling when it’s “controlled”, when you’re able to acknowledge it and sit in peace with it. It is an issue that you need to address when it’s eating you whole and you feel like there’s nothing you can do about it. But I really wish that you understand and remember that you’re not alone and there’s always someone ready to listen and be there with you.

As the year is coming to an end, a lot of thoughts and feelings raise their heads and make us think of what we’ve done this past year, if we’re happy with our lives and what we would like to change if there is something. The darkness outside is really pushing us down but we just need to breath few more times and push back and move on. It’s not hopeless, and you’re not really alone.

PMA ❤

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Treat Yo Self With Reality

IMG_8040The post with all the honesty.

For few days, I’ve been really not okay. The old wanted to come to play and mess with my head. The fear of loosing something that has found it’s way to my heart, and possibly break it into million pieces. The fear of failing and not being able to do what I know in my heart to be right. The reality of it all exploding in front of me and me not having anything to stop it.

The level of me being hard on myself is something I wish I could delete completely at times. The amount of strength I expect from myself at times is just mind blowing.

But also the level of not giving myself credit for how strong I am is mind blowing. I’ve always been good at that. I really, really, want to get better at that. And probably am, without realizing it.

Yesterday I let my old ways let my whole being feel like I’m nothing and will ever be. That I’m still the same as before, which is obviously an utter bullshit. And I know that, but I felt just weak and shitty and heartbroken. So I made myself believe that I will be alone for the rest of my life and that no one wants to be my friend. I made myself feel like shit, because I know too well how that works. It gives you this blanket of comfort and you can just be miserable there alone with self pity on all time high.

And then I got the biggest bitch slap of all time from Universe.

I actually went for a run with other people, and once I saw the pure amount of those people, my breathing just wanted to stop working. I was absolutely terrified. All those feelings of leaving behind and not being able to keep up and by that feeling like I’m nothing and not good enough and just shitty came back.

A hug from a dear friend, made the panic ease up a bit. I realized that there were people I know and who were happy to see me. There was bitch slap number 1. And there was quite a few coming…

All of sudden I wasn’t afraid. I forgot to be afraid. I almost felt excited. I felt happy to have few friends to call my anchors. I found a place next to them when we started running. And I felt so strong! I wasn’t the slowest one who was leaving behind. I wasn’t that one! Bitch slap number 2.

I was running and staring at this guys legs while they stepped on the ground and followed the pace of them, noticed that it matched mine. I felt strong and like I have this all warrior me back in me. I’m not going to give up this easy.

And I remember thinking if I’m being selfish for moving forward in the group of runners or should I stay with my friends, like they have with me before. And on one point I did wait for a friend, because he’s been there for me. Even though he said that just go, I just said to him that I’m not going to leave you. And really realized that that’s me. But I am also allowed to be selfish and move forward, just like he said. Bitch slap number 3. So I ran faster, the pace my legs wanted to go and was with the first ones in the group and felt so comfortable. I was able to do something I’ve only almost done in my sleep. Feel that strong.

Give yourself a break, something I’ve heard a lot these past days from my closest people.

To understand how much have happened in the time I’ve been in Copenhagen, will probably take a lot of time. When you’re in it all, it’s really hard to see how much it truly is. Two weeks is nothing, and in my head everything should be done already. And while nothing being done yet, makes me feel like the biggest failure, hearing few nice words about it all from a friend, makes me feel like I still have hope. Which I obviously have, more than I even can understand. I’ve just lost my faith in this all a bit. And that’s normal.

I always go into everything with so much heart that I forgot how I need to say that I need help too. I am so open that if you want to rip my heart to pieces, it’s almost there for you to on a platter. Not that I want anyone to do that, and I’m pretty sure I’m stronger than before to let that happen.

I suck at being mad at people. I’ve been fighting my whole life so hard that at one point I just stopped fighting for useless shit. I was tired of fighting. It felt like a thing that will never take me anywhere other than feeling even worse. So I stopped. But I think I forgot a bit that it’s okay to feel the feeling of being mad at times, if there’s a reason for it. And this morning I all of sudden was so pissed off, for a reason. But it surprised me because it’s so long since I felt like that the last time. In a way it was very welcome, as I don’t want to be one of those that never get mad and then the whole thing would explode or something. Doubt that I would do that as my honesty usually keeps me sane when it comes to that, but still.

So there’s a time to be mad for a reason and that’s completely okay. Do not suck it in!

When I’ve been talking with people and saying that I know that I want to concentrate on myself and not anyone else, I’ve been probably saying that more to myself than what I really felt. That’s okay too. Being fucking terrified of life in general, is okay. It really is terrifying at times, have you ever jumped and followed your heart… Shit!

The days here that I’ve decided to do something and then done nothing but been exhausted, I forgive myself and don’t need to feel like shit. I don’t have to always be able to push through.

The days when a friend don’t understand that I really need them, it’s okay too. Even though it’s crazy hard for me to ask for help and it’s a big deal for me to do it, still it’s okay. We all have our own lives to live and sometimes we say things that might not be true to avoid situations or to say that I can’t right now. But I have more friends than only one these days, which I have to remind myself of at times. I am that lucky now! How crazy is that?!

To be honest I have no idea how I keep going at times, I just can’t give up anymore. I have no idea why and how I love as much as I do, I just don’t know how to close my heart anymore. I don’t have any idea why I understand so much and forgive so easily. Maybe someone did some kind of open heart surgery to me one night and cleaned all the webs and don’ts and old scars, and left it as open it is now. To be just ready for give it all out.

There’s few things in life that I really wish to have. Really simple ones. To be hugged by that one, whose hugs feel like you’re inside of a cloud of safety and peace. To be able to call a place home, with my name on the door. To go on a long walks and just be quiet but so comfortable. Maybe one day see a smile from my own baby, the look I see in my friend and her baby. I’ve finally realized that I want to look down on my body and smile at that huge belly one day. I want to have great conversations with so many different routes in it that you don’t always know how it’s possible to still keep it alive. To laugh so much that tears fall down your cheeks. To always remember that the simple, tiniest things are the biggest. I want kisses to my forehead. I want to dance without care in the world. I want to cry with my whole body, and let it all out. I want to have my own little garden and look at things grow. I want to be that romantic sop that I actually am but never have let out. I want to do things to others that I’ve always thought to be a bit stupid but means so much to me. I want to feel things, to the max and back.  I want to share my life with someone who thinks probably most of the time that how do I love that one so much, she’s crazy, but still the best thing in the world.

We all make our lives at times way harder than they should be. The pressure we feel from outside, the one which has nothing to do with us in reality, makes us make decisions that just aren’t right. I’ve done all of that, more than I wish to count. But I broke away and free from that once again, and I really want to try to keep it in my head that all will be okay. Give yourself a chance to be happy, just happy. And enjoy those moments and hold them closer than anything else. Patience. Love. Understanding. Smiles. Hugs. And a bit more love. That’s all we need.

Give yourself a break. ❤

 

Friends Like Mine – Quality Over Quantity

IMG_7958-1I had one of the best runs tonight, one of those that make you feel like you are on top of the world. And it’s all because of the company I had.

Lately I’ve really realized how truly blessed and lucky I am to have the people I have in my life. I’ve always been quite a lone wolf, but these days I am just overflowing in happiness and smiles. And that’s “just” all the people I have around me, all around the world. The people I really have and let close to me are just insanely amazing!

I remember when I was younger how I always wanted to be one of those popular ones who have all the friends and who people want to spend their time with, well I was never that one because I was just too picky. That’s the truth. And because always made my life a lot harder than it really needed to be. And if someone was a friend, I was so terrified of losing them that I probably suffocated them with all that I had. This all obviously came from me being really insecure with myself and not really sure who I was and really didn’t love myself.

I had to fall really deep to start loving myself, which means that now I am able to love others. It’s not selfish anymore, I love and be there for others because I get so much out from it. It’s not a situation where I expect to get anything, I just give and am happy with that. Because that’s what love is, something you give without any expectations.

So now, I have no interest in being that popular one, because I am so happy with what I have. All the people I call more family than friends, the ones I love with all my heart like I do all, but the ones that are in my heart in a special way. There’s people I’ve known for quite long and people who I just met couple months ago, but have so so special place in my heart, that I hope they will be there forever. Because life without them just wouldn’t feel as amazing as now.

I am a firm believer in Universe and it making the moves that we should have in our lives, if we just let it and are open to it. And I feel that I’m finally letting go and letting it do the moves I deserve to have. Because I do deserve as much good as any other here. And we all deserve all the good. Someone being happy, isn’t anything away from someone else. IMG_7956

After my last relationship I made few promises to myself, that I want to be 100% who I am, with all I am. That honest and loving one I am. The one who genuinely means what she says. The one who is not in a hurry and loves peace more than anything else. Being this open isn’t always the easiest but still I don’t want to change a thing, nothing. I feel like I’ve never been this happy, in peace and just able to really listen what is in me and around me too.

I also made a challenge for myself when I moved to Copenhagen. I need to be more social and challenge myself with those situations that I am terribly afraid, which means being in a group of people I don’t know. Or in general in a group of people. So far all of those moments have made me feel so good, that I think I’ll keep doing that. And it’s not that serious if you made a fool out of you at times, that’s part of this. Being who you are even if someone doesn’t understand you or thinks that you are a total idiot.

I’ve also challenged myself for some time with something that has always been really hard for me. I want to actually let people in, in my life and give them a change to show me that it’s okay to let them close. But at the same time I’ve learned to set boundaries in all that. Which is equally important.

I’ve made the conscious decision to not let certain people close, because I’ve had enough of negativity in my life, so I want to surround myself with people that appreciate who I am and that’s it. We are who we spend time with, so I want to be happy and positive and encouraging and loving, so I’ll surround myself with that kind of people. It might sound really selfish but it’s being healthy selfish and good for me and my future.

But since I’ve found this peace, I’ve been able to be there for people in a whole new way. I’m able to take myself out of the situation if it has nothing to do with me, not giving my two cents in something that isn’t anything to do with me. I am able to be there for them and listen and ask the questions that might challenge them in a way they haven’t thought about things yet. But mostly just be there.

And I am able to love, like never before. And I intend to keep doing just that. So the one who has my heart, you’re about get all that has been bubbling in me so long and all that’s there now. And the funny thing is that for the first time I’m not in a hurry, I know that I am on the right path. Day at a time is the way to go. With all the ups and downs, because they are all part of this, and I would not change a thing. IMG_7772

This is all part of my own journey, growing older, maybe a bit wiser while at it. I am so happy that I’ve gone through so much, pure hell, in my life. Because without all those moments when I just wanted to disappear and give up because I didn’t see anything good or any light at the end of the tunnel, I would not be who I am now. And I absolutely love myself! I don’t even understand all this always, but I rather have this all than whatever I had before. All of my past, it made me stronger and courageous and so damn loving, and why the heck would I change any of that, just because I am afraid at times?!

So, I will keep on my “lovers gonna love” path and keep being me. ❤

PMA ❤ and be sure to check the video below from our cheerzone at the Copenhagen Marathon, you might see this little one hugging one of her best friends while he’s running :).

 

 

What It Is That I Actually Want In My Life – To Be Happy

IMG_4657I heard this song this morning, that I listened a lot when I was moving to another country the first time, almost three years ago. And I haven’t heard it in almost that time… And now it came and made me cry. It hit so hard and true to what I am going through at the moment in my life.

For the past three something years I’ve been searching, searching myself, what makes me happy, what do I want in my life, what am I about, all that. I feel that I know exactly what it is but haven’t really wanted to admit it to myself. I think it hit me while I was passing these dreamy small houses in my Ultra in Bornholm, I knew that I want to live in a similar one one day. I want to have a home of my own.

In the search of mine, I’ve gone from one end to another, made bold statements of what I want and don’t. Sometimes to my own surprise. Especially lately… For example, I have been feeling that I really don’t think I want kids at all. But a happy coincidence from a dear friend having the coolest wormlike person whose completely stolen my heart and made me think of my bold statement again. Is me not having kids really what I want? I know that I am super scared to have them, or not the having part, the part afterwards. I know, I truly know, that I would be a great Mom. But I am honestly worried if my depression changes my childs life like it did mine. But that is fear, nothing to do with the actual fact of having something growing inside you and you looking at your own in the end, growing and loving.

I think the reason why I haven’t been into having kids lately, of course not having anyone to have them with, has been the blunt reason that I have just started my own life and really started to realize what I want to do. For the first time, so I’ve felt that having a kid would someone ruin that for me.

But back to the small houses in Bornholm. I remember how happy seeing them made me, sounds funny, but I’ve been in this weird space in my life for the last three years and still am, that I haven’t had my own home at all. Not a place to call mine, place that looked like I live there, a place that I would feel completely safe and in peace and comfortable. I’ve had times when I missed having that place so bad, that it made me cry. Then most of the time I’ve just adapt to the situation and go forward and lived my life. But I’m really getting to this mindset after a long long time that I really would love to have my own place. A place to call home. And I know that a home doesn’t always have to be a place, but I think at this time in my life, that is exactly what I want.

I don’t own much, but I would love to be able to have all my books in one place, have my dog in the same place I am, have the few mugs I have in my kitchen, maybe have a some super cosy sofa to lay and read and snuggle. I would love to have my few art pieces on the walls and a place that looks a bit like me. I don’t need or want much, but it would be so lovely to have a place. And I would love to have a place with old wooden floors and old windows that you could sit on the window sealings :). I think the screaky wooden floors take the first place on this competetion haha.

The past week I’ve been in a flu, and of course I’ve had a lot of time to think. I’ve been up and down a lot, but I’ve realized that part of it is the fact that I know exactly what I wish to have in my life at the moment and they aren’t anything crazy.

I would love to have a home, I would love to have a job where I could bring my talent out and be good at what I do and who I am, I would love to have someone special to share my life with, maybe run too, I would love to have some friends to spend my time with, maybe have some lovely nights with food and good wine. I would want to have kids one day, maybe even be married one day. Nothing super crazy, but after being in this nomad life for the past three years, they sound amazing. Solid and comforting. The main point is that I wish to be happy with my life. I really miss having those kinds of “normal” things in my life.

The truth is that I love normality, with a twist :). I love when I kind of know what is happening next, at times I love to plan things. I have gotten so used to having to live a life with a lot of situations changing around me all the time, that I’ve forgotten that I do love to have some certainty too. So I am grateful to have had these past years, yes, but I would love to have some calmness at least on some aspects of my life now.

Obviously I don’t know if I’m going to find them in Copenhagen, which will be my next stop. In a way I would love to stay there for long enough to see if it would be really my place. I have this tiny voice in me yelling that it will. I already know where I would love to live, almost the exact house. There’s the sea, which I love. There’s many many things I absolutely love and feel that I will have a lot more soon. And there’s a spot where me and Ukko used to walk last year when we lived there, and just sit next to the sea and stay in silence. Somehow my lovely dog loves the same things I do. And I have dear people there who I love to have in my life and run with. That’s one huge thing for me, to have people to run with around me, the first time ever I’ve actually wanted that.

So in the end, I don’t miss or want that much in my life. Mainly to be happy, and definitely to share it with someone who loves me and I love. That is a big thing for me. But I’m in no rush, all will come in time.

To be happy. To be loved. Smile. Breath easy. Read books. Eat good food. Get those hugs I miss now when I haven’t gotten them in a long time. Or hugs in general. Having the real life in my life with wooden floors. Tea. Remember to be happy and smile to all those tiniest little things in life. And dance because life is pretty amazing. It makes us cry but it always picks us up too, if we let it. And don’t forget to do those things that make you feel all silly, they make you feel alive in the end. ❤

What I want in my life is what I’ve worked towards without realizing it. I’ve been alone for long enough, so now is time to let people in my life, really let them. Because I do like that. The balance of being alone when needed and being surrounded with love too.

It feels like this weight lifted off my shoulders when I admitted these all to myself. Good that that happened. The pressure of “not knowing” is easier when you give yourself a chance to see what you have in you. Really.

PMA ❤

I need to add the lyrics here, so you maybe understand what in it hit so hard.

“Leave your country
Leave the notes
Of your future and your goals

Leave your language
You once spoke
Leave the soil where you were born

Leave all
Leave the guards
Leave the stone crushed in your heart

You’re my hero, you are mine
Dead or alive
Once you pushed me passed the line
To a better life

Left your country
Left your father
Left your sister, left their warmth

Leave all
We know too well
Leave this paradise, caught in hell

You’re my hero, you are mine
Dead or alive
Once you pushed me passed the line
To a better life

You’re my hero, you are mine
Dead or alive
Once you pushed me passed the line
To a better life

And I, I ran
And I, I ran”

 

Letting Yourself Free

IMG_6903

Photo from http://dallasclayton.com/ Instagram. You should check him out, he brightens all my days and give me the boost to keep going with my dreams!

It’s kind of that “if you love her enough, you let her go”. I think I’ve finally done that to myself. And it has been very needed.

At times admitting to yourself what you knew already, is the hardest. And it took me quite some time to admit few things, last Sunday I finally let myself free. It wasn’t easy and oh my, I tried to talk myself out of them so much and with so ridiculous arguments. In the end, I deserved that verbal bitch slap that I got from my friend. Needed, yes, and boom I was free.

I’ve always been the worst to myself when it comes to ME being happy and I’ve always worried so much what others will say and will I hurt their feelings. I’m working on this, and I feel that I’m a lot better these days, but it’s still not easy for me.

But for me to go forward, I kind of have to be nicer and more attentive to myself, not caring what others think of my decisions. In the end, I am the one I need to please and make happy.

And sometimes that change can happen in a click of fingers, you thought that all you planned was exactly how you wanted and boom! It’s all changed and you know that none of that old is right anymore. That happened to me, hard! But oh it felt so good!

It felt and feels good, but I still have that doubt in the back of my head of what others will think of this and that… Does it matter, no. Why do I care, because I’m deep down still a people pleaser. Am I getting any better at this, YES! And that’s what I need to remember.

In the end we are here to make our own life happy, and when we are happy we’re able to be for others too. And if I don’t make choices that I’m proud and happy to walk forward with, it just doesn’t work. So I have to put myself first, that’s just how it is.

Breaking from those old patterns to new is hard and takes time, but I’m taking steps every day and I am proud of my struggle. This is my life, no one else’s and I have to respect myself enough to give the best time here. If I don’t, none of my goals, dreams and hopes come true, that simple.

So I’m loving myself enough to let myself fly free and do what I feel is the best!

PMA ❤