Is More Really Better?

IMG_6600Why is it that more is better these days? New is better? Faster? Why?

I feel like I’m some weird alien at times with my ever growing “less is more” thinking. And I’ve started to feel really anxious now when I have a bit more stuff. And for a “normal” person the amount would feel like ridiculous as it’s not that much but for me, it’s just too much.

When I moved back to Finland, my whole life pretty much fit in two suitcases and I loved that. Now it probably still does but I feel like those suitcases are a bit too full. And when I start feeling like I start growing roots, I feel like I have no way out anymore. Like I am giving up on my plans, which is also not true. But having more makes me not feel good.

I think I have a bit confused relationship with materia. When I was around 20, I didn’t think that less could be more, I had my first proper job and I was surrounded with people who always had the new and certain stuff and look. I wanted that because to me at the time, it meant that I am somebody and will get something magical if I do and wear what they are. How wrong was I…

And for a really long time I used materia to not feel as shitty as I really feel. I hid my depression under all that stuff. If I felt bad, I bought something, or ate like crazy. The day when I lost my credits was one of the best for me. Even though my life has been a lot harder after that but still, under it all it’s a blessing. Though that was long time ago, it still is in my life and it really made me start thinking how to live my life. That part took me good 5 years… Because the last couple of years were the first time I actually had to leave all the lying to myself and get down from my high horse and really look the situation straight in the face and admit that I suck and that I have to suck it up and change my whole way of being and living.

That stuff humbles you in the biggest way possible, if you are willing to feel like the shittiest person in the world for a while… It has and it still does quite often.

But it also made me realize what is really important to me. It made me look at my life, myself and what I thought was important and what not. It made me really ask for help, which I still suck, but I had to. And receive help, which is the hardest thing to do EVER!

Now after everything, when I’m feeling happier and better when I have less, it makes me wonder why in this world we are lusting over with new, more, better, faster all the time? What does it give to us? No patience, insecurities, money problems, loosing the touch with the real things. That’s how I feel.

And that doesn’t mean that I expect that everyone thinks this way, I don’t. But it just makes me wonder how different I personally was just two years ago. It’s scary actually. And sad, because it took me a good 10 years to be so lost and just let my life slip away.

So when I was turning 30 last spring, I wasn’t scared, I was so excited. Because it felt like I have a new chance, like a new start and the truth is that I have more in front of me than behind. But that also meant that it was and is only me who controls my future and my happiness. And that stuff is scary and challenging.

So where am I now… I want to be able to live simply and humbly, nothing extra, because I don’t need that. The “things” that are really important to me aren’t really things. If I can have the people I love and who love me, I am really rich. If I’m able to run and be active, I’m winning. Being in nature and look at the stars and eat berries on my runs, I’m basically on top of the world. I want to live here, so that there’s at least the same left after me or maybe I can give something back so there’s more.

These days when I even think of buying something, I try my hardest to think if I can find that, for example jeans, made in a way that’s somehow good to this world, or done bad as little as possible. I want to be able to live so that my life respects the nature we have here. Sustainable and appreciative.

When I have less, I see and hear more, I have more patience. I stopped and looked at the stars for the first time in years this winter. And I was really amazed by their beauty, it was pretty amazing! When I have less, I appreciate more. I make the most of the things I have and usually feel that I could give some away from that anyway.

My dreams and goals these days are all about less is more. I try to read and learn more about what feels the best for me. I try to make good decisions and when I buy something I actually think before I buy anything. Do I really need it. Actually books are the thing that I yearn the most these days :). Learning and opening your view is just really nice.

When I’m running, I’m not in a hurry, I always have time to look around and stop for some scenery soaking. I think it’s vital to stop and see and hear what’s really around us. If we loose that childlike mindset, we are lost. Growing up doesn’t mean we have to stop living. I am sure not going to do that. I am just beginning!

Love. Think. Stop. Appreciate. Respect. PMA ❀IMG_6610

 

The Loneliness Of The Long Distance Runner

Like the book title says, even though I haven’t read that particular one.

There’s something pleasant about ultra training, not the same pressure as with big road races. In a way, no one cares what you do. You can train on your own, at your own pace.

But it also makes this all a bit more lonely. And the more I have friends all over the world, the lonelier this feels. Training alone without friends to run with is getting me down, for the first time. Before this I haven’t ever really thought about it, yes a little of course but not in a way that it’s getting me down… Now I feel that I miss all my friends like crazy.

Maybe it’s because I’m feeling more and more that I’m not supposed to live in Finland more than I need to. I’m noticing how my whole being wants to go already, though I know that I’m not yet. The next time I am leaving, I’m going to do it with a proper planning and smart approach. I’ve tried the other way of leaving and it’s not the way I want to do ever again.

I think I might be a bit depressed by my surroundings. Winter in Southern Finland isn’t that amazing, most of the time it’s just slush and ice all over the place. Trails around me are so icy that it’s almost impossible to run them and seeing photos of people running on beautiful trails around the world. I’m trying to make the best of what I have but there are moments when it’s just so bloody hard. And now is one of those days.

I’ve probably just had too rough of a week behind. Dehydrated for sure. A lot of dealing with my own fears and hurdles. Amazing moment with the longest run. Food choices that don’t make any sense. And because of them, the worst feeling ever.

I know this is a journey, and that I should try to keep my focus on the big picture but oh my it’s hard at times. I do have amazing support, but the thing is that majority of it is physically away from me and I’m really missing my support in real life. I have a major deficiency for hugs :(.

But the good thing is that I’ve been getting back to training and done way more strength training than before, and I’m feeling the benefits already. I’m getting in that training mode, even if it feels hard. It’s for the right way on my journey. I have to remember that it’s okay to feel down at times, it’s natural in this situation but I don’t need to let it eat my happiness all the way.

I saw this amazing note to self photo today…IMG_6527

Gratitude Post

IMG_6161Gratitude post it is! Because I think we need more of that in this world and I’m all about enjoy the little things these days.

Last week really reminded me or kicked me in the right way to open my eyes and really see how amazing this world is. And there is so many amazing, good people.

For few months I’ve felt more and more gratitude of all that I have in my life. The opportunities, the people, the nature, just all those tiny moments we have. For many years of my life, I didn’t see or hear any of them, even though they were right in front of me.

When I started talking about my depression, really honestly speak about it, I found people around me who are there for me like a rock. Support from people who have dealt with depression and knew how I feel. I’ve got friends, thanks to depression, who are for life.

When I started seeing myself in more positive way, all my relationships got better. It’s totally okay to protect yourself from negativity, and when I finally admitted that it all started clicking on the right way.

And even through all the hard times, when I stop and remind myself from all the good I have in my life, those hard moments get the real “size” and dealing with them is a lot easier. It’s about remembering to be grateful for what you have, not what you’ve lost. Memories won’t disappear, so keep the good ones and learn from the bad.

Now, I have no hurry when I’m running. It’s totally okay to stop and look around you, really see things.

The less I have, the happier I am. I am richer in so many more ways than I have ever before. The amount of love and support, it makes me really humble and I want to thank you all for it!

It’s all about PMA ❀

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Sabotaging Success

IMG_5782Yesterday I realized something… Every time when things start to go better or I start to see results, I freak out and start sabotaging my own success.

And this last week has been all about that. All of sudden I have been eating whatever, like cheese and even fish?! Also, I’ve gone all out with my old flame, chips/crisps.

I’ve drowned myself with so many things that I have been overwhelmed in the most negative way of all the good new changes in my life. Why?!

Because I’m terrified of the actual change that I could be truly who I work hard and have dream of being.

When I look myself in the mirror, I still see this overweight girl that didn’t like herself at all. I like or more like love myself these days most of the time but when I look myself in the mirror this old me just keeps looking back. I do have moments when I see the real, now, me… but too rarely.

A week ago I saw this strong, powerful, beautiful me and all of sudden I got scared.

In my whole life, I’ve never looked, felt and loved myself in the way that I am getting really close to. Not liking myself and the change is like a security blanket that I know how to deal, but I don’t know how to deal with this new me.

The thing is that eating those things actually made me feel physically ill… So why?

Why I want to have that feeling again that my clothes are too tight, if I hate that the most and I just have gotten rid of that…

I think I’m testing myself, in that same way that sometimes we wrongly test the people we want to keep close to us, to see if they leave. I am doing that exact thing to myself, to see if I really love myself, if I really am all about those dreams that I have, if I would finally have the guts to be who I really am.

What I can say is that this is not easy, from 30 years I’ve been unhappy for easily 28. Not obviously 100% of that time but mostly. Or probably I was happier when I was a kid when I truly didn’t care if me being different was a problem, but I remember still how that made me really sad too.

So, this is what I could have now… Loving and healthy relationship with myself, pleasant and proud look when I look in the mirror, no belly aches, huge support system all over the world and amazing new opportunities to follow and make my dreams come true.

The reason why this scares me, I think, is that as a person with depression and all the down sizing that comes with it, has made me not allow myself to be happy or have good things or success in my life. I’m pretty sure that many people with depression know what I’m talking about. We are good at helping others and give them praises but when it comes to ourselves… not so much.

I really want to change my mindset with this. I don’t want to slowly but surely go back to the old me, because the new one is so much better!

I have to say to myself every day, “I can do this!” and I hope that I trust that and go forward in a better and stronger me!

PMA ❀

Life Around Here

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Hard at work, representing Pihasali Yogastudio at Iloveme Fair in Helsinki.

Life around my new everything is looking good!

I started my new job at Pihasali Yogastudio yesterday, dived in straight away in the form of a beauty fair. I could have freaked a bit, as it’s basically at least two years since my last job. But I felt strong and confident, which helped a lot.

It felt super nice to realize that I still got it! And it was so nice to be able to help people and talk with so many different people. I remembered what I love to do, making new contacts and help people. It also gave a kick with what I want to do with my blog. New ideas, new posts!IMG_5169I feel really good about my training towards my goals. I’ve found the right ways of doing things and it’s really working. Good balance between rest and training.

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New amazing brand from Finnish Lapland, Arctic Warriors. All natural, delicious shots of goodness!

Running is going well, no injuries whatsoever. Body is feeling stronger and stronger. I have good plan that involves running, gym, yoga, foam rolling/stretching class and going to get some massages. Nutrition is on point. Plant based foods are giving me the best kind of energy and my body is just purring like a cat from happiness. I’m recovering super fast from harder workouts.And my life in general is looking really nice. I might be alone at times, as half of my family is in another country, but I have the love with me. I have insanely amazing friends around me here and all over the world. I’ve never felt this loved in my life. Thank you!

I can’t wait to keep going strong and hopefully be able to inspire, help and motivate others! PMA! πŸ™‚IMG_5209

 

http://pihasali.fi/

http://www.arcticwarriors.fi/en/