Finding who you are, is hard work. Going deep and really facing yourself, changing what needs to be changed for yourself to be truly you and happy, and in the end embracing your true self, the one that has been kicking and screaming under all to get out and show you how amazing you really are.
I am in this turmoil of Me. I’m on that edge of the cliff to be the Me I am, that I’ve been working towards, but there’s that last part to be okay with.
Me moving back to Finland is definitely part of that last part of this. I need to be okay with this place and then I can finally let go of that weird discomfort and anger I’ve had in me. My new job is making it way easier for me than I thought, damn lucky me!
I’m in a situation where I can finally work in a company and people that really push me forward, appreciate me and my skills and actually tell that to me directly. I am beyond happy about that. Majority of my life at the moment is more than good, wouldn’t change anything but there’s one that is able to take me down at times, right now.
The thing is as simple as me gaining some weight after the Copenhagen Marathon and my face plant with my bike that left me a bit unable to do anything for a while. I also completely lost my interest in running for some time. And for the first time I have a job where I actually like to look good and me and be representable. Or more like that I have a chance to be me and look like I really do. And all of sudden my clothes don’t fit to me and I just want to hide myself, something I did before my work with myself started. I hate that feeling I have now.
I hate that I feel uncomfortable now with my skin, after I worked so damn hard to not feel like that, to feel comfortable with myself and in my skin. I hate that I feel that I want to hide myself and my body. I’ve done that for so many years of my life and last summer I was finally in this place with myself that I was confident and proud of myself and didn’t feel that I need to hide anything anymore. I know that I will be back in that “place”, but the feeling I’ve had now just kicks my ass and not in the right way at all.
I know that the change isn’t big, but it’s big enough to make me feel like shit at the changing room when I try to buy some pants. I’m one of those who get all the extra on their hip/ass area, but not at all in that delicious way that my ass would just got rounder, naa…
It’s also been a time in my life when I’ve realised my age. That I need to work more constant and regularly not just at times, my body bounces back to old way faster than to that hard worked toned one. I need to be consistent in what I do, eat and how I live. Maybe this was a good reminder in that.
All in all, I am in this first time ever moment in my life, I don’t feel that I need anyone in my life, I am finally enough to me. I don’t really feel like my life would be any better now with someone in it. I’m not ready for anything really now, I need to really deal and get rid of some stuff that was done to me in my last relationship. But the content and happy feeling about myself is the best feeling, the fact that I am more than okay with myself. It’s almost relieving that I don’t feel that it would be nice to have someone in my life now. It’s nice to have this freedom all to myself. To not feel like I need to care about anyone else than myself. Maybe it sounds rude to someone, but I’ve wanted to feel this good with myself for so so long that I do not care.
I’m also in a situation with my work that I’ve never been before, I’m the oldest one there and the only single one, so in the beginning it felt almost funny, but I’ve had moments now where it’s almost felt a bit sad. Not sure why, but there’s been this “am I going to be like this long still?”. And at the same time not even wanting anything. Confusing to say the least, or maybe part of life.
To be honest I feel really confused and at peace at the same time. What am I even supposed to think of that?!
I love this me who is confident in her life, at least most of the time, I fucking feel like some warrior queen at times, is there anything better?! I don’t like the me who puts myself down for something as ridiculous as feeling like shit because I’ve gained weight when I’ve actually finally lived and enjoyed my life. That is just stupid.
But when you’ve been fighting with yourself and your self worth through your body image as long as I have, it can still be a bit of a rough thing at times. Especially when being in that comfortable skin is as scary as loosing it. It’s a long and constant battle that won’t get easier as I get older, as I need to work for it more than before. Again, maybe this was a good wake up reminder that it really is so, I need to work harder now than before to keep what feels the best.
I know that I will be back in that skin soon again, sooner than it really feels now. I think I needed to feel a bit shit and let myself do a little cry and show myself that all of that hard work really means a lot to me. That I’m not that looser, quitter that I was before, that Me is really dying down, thank goodness!
Everything can’t be all happy and shiny all the time, I need to dig deep and go down at times too. I hope I never loose that, because even though I feel like shit in those moments, I always climb back up from them these days.
Actually it was great to look myself today at the changing room and feel like shit for a second. Because it really was a second. Mostly I felt that I looked better than I thought. If there’s a part of me I’m not happy at the moment, I know that I can change it, that’s simple.
I love that I’m finding and embracing my worth these days. Finally getting pissed about people treating me shitty. Finally not caring that much if someone only texts me when I haven’t been active on that. It’s easy to find those people who really should be in your life when you don’t need others to make you happy.
It’s liberating to be able to be mad at someone who treated you bad and let myself feel all those feelings that I’ve denied from myself for so long. To say that “fuck you for being shitty to me and using my kindness for your own good”! To just let it out and move on.
So the point of this all is that embracing your true self is the best, deleting toxic people from your life is the best, believing and working hard towards something and everything is the best, going through bad relationship can be the best wake up to your own self worth, it’s okay to feel like shit at times, just as long as you don’t drown in that, remind yourself of your amazing self and how damn hard you’ve worked!
DO YOU. LOVE YOURSELF. REMEMBER HOW HARD YOU’VE WORKED. STAY WHO YOU ARE BECAUSE YOU ARE AMAZING! PMA ❤ OWN WHO YOU ARE. BE PROUD OF YOURSELF. DO THAT QUEEN SHIT THAT MAKES YOU FEEL ALIVE.
Warrior Queen song to end this and power you to some warrior moves to shake all the negativity off!