The Never Ending Sick Leave

wp-image-391466568jpg.jpgWhen you start to count how long you’ve already been on a sick leave and how it truly feels never ending… If something is a patience test, then this is, big ass time.

There’s no confirmed end to this yet, and that is starting to eat my spirit a bit, well honestly, I hate this to my core. My surgery was, 18th of May, and at the moment I feel like 2016 is going to be one hell of a yay for me. Obviously this post is me being filled with frustration and sadness and just anger that why a “simple” wrist operation turned a year of my life into what it is now.

When I got the news that my wrist is broken and needs a surgery last years Christmas week, I never ever thought that it will be this big of a life change. I understood that it is a simple operation that is a bit difficult to heal, or at least slower than others, but never did I think that it would be this. And then the wait to even get to the operation, those months from last weeks of last year to May, all that time when I had to reduce what I was doing at my work at the time, to people saying to me that don’t do that and don’t do this, to me feeling like I’m loosing a part of me, which I feel a lot at the moment too.

After the operation I thought that okay, this will take some time and then after those 6 weeks with a cast I’m pretty much good to go again and that my summer isn’t doomed and that I can start being “normal” again. That’s what I thought and believed and kept my spirits up with. But obviously it didn’t go like that.

The thing is, my recovery has gone as my surgeon wished it to go, but I just managed to break that one tiny bone that takes FOREVER to heal properly. It’s a bone that you can’t take risks with, or it needs a new operation. So I actually have to listen and believe my surgeon when she says that it needs a little more time, even when it is looking better all the time and like she wanted it to be.

But every time I hear that yeah, little more sick leave, just a little more, I seriously don’t see the good in that situation. I feel so shitty now, I just want to go back to being me, fully. Not this, some day I’m back me.

And the notion of how slow my body actually recovers from this all, is just tiring. You want to understand and you know the reality and the facts of why my running isn’t where it used to be, or why my body doesn’t respond as fast as it did last year to eating good and exercising, it’s a struggle to believe that those clothes that I love will fit me again, or that you look yourself in the mirror without feeling like yep, I would not mind looking a bit tighter. Some how it never even crossed my mind how massive of an impact one wrist operation could do to your whole body. It’s just a wrist, so why is it making my whole body react this massively. Yeah they had to take some bone of my hip but still?!

This year has been, once more, a test for me but not anything I was ever prepared for. It has been such a challenge mentally and physically that I even wish that it had been a knee or something like that. I have to battle my depression again, because this has been such a mental battle. And I hate that so much. I’ve lost my happy a bit and I’m tired of climbing back up, even though I know that I don’t want to sink either.

I’m afraid that loosing a year, will make my job opportunities shrink even more than they were before. I’m honestly afraid that I won’t find anything. Once this all is finally done. I’m afraid that I get stuck in this weird situation and just look how others around me move forward.

I’m tired and afraid of this all. I want to be able to be me, to be fully independent on my own and not have to worry about money ALL THE TIME, to feel like I have something to say and give, to feel needed.

I am trying to remind myself that there will be an end to this all, but right now it’s very damn hard.

This will get better, this will better, this will get better, I repeat in my mind, not sure if I even believe myself but I have to try.

 

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Healing & Dealing, Dealing & Healing

img_4285I just needed to be by myself, to hear my steps, my breath and silence the exhaustion filled over stimulated mind of mine. I needed to exhaust my physical being so that my mind would calm down finally. I needed to run. I finally needed a run. I just needed that feeling of healing with every step. I started that ever long road of healing and dealing, dealing and healing.

I have been so overly exhausted lately that it’s gone to the point where I don’t even recognize it. My whole being has just wanted a break, from everything. While still feeling happy and excited and positive at times, I’ve also felt so deep rooted pain, hurt and pure anger. And I haven’t really known a way to deal with them, to help myself heal from all that has been bubbling in me. Some of it from years and years ago, some very recent.

I feel that while 2015 was all about running, and healing those broken pieces I had from losses in my life, and that all really empowering me, at the same time it took me to a point where I just didn’t want to run at all. I was tired of it and I wanted something completely new. Maybe I wanted a break from those memories that running has brought in my life. But I really didn’t want to run. At all.

“Contemplation often makes life miserable. We should act more, think less, and stop watching ourselves live.”

This year I’ve very slowly started finding running again, but with a total different mindset. I’m running for myself. I don’t care about times, speed or distance. I just run if I feel like it.

But last weekend and today I felt that I need to run. I needed to be on my own for little over and hour and just listen to my steps. And all of sudden that empowering me started embracing itself tonight. Out of nowhere I felt how I had my old push when going uphill. Running was all of sudden fun again.

I think I’ve forgotten myself so deeply the past half a year or so, that I’ve forgotten why I started doing certain things that I truly love and that make me feel a lot better. I’ve been feeling so lost that the exhaustion of trying to find myself again just dug a deeper hole in me. While at the same time I’ve found those people that truly are the ones I want to keep close and be more social with. I’ve been in this weird situation where I can’t figure out really what feels good and what not, and then out of nowhere those flip sides and I’m all confused again.

Healing and dealing broken pieces in yourself take time, but sometime it all comes after a long time, when you already thought that you’re better from it all. And then it hits you like a tidal wave and you have nothing to say about it, you try to embrace it but in reality you just feel like you’re drowning. That’s how I’ve really felt lately. I want to feel happy and positive again, but I also feel like I have no energy for anything. Nothing.

Those pieces in me have started to move and that makes me feel like I have no control of it. That I have so much pain in me that comes out as anger and hate and anxiousness and just fuck off!

I realised tonight on my run, that I’ve forgotten completely why I started to run in the first place those couple of years ago. I felt so bad back then that I needed some kind of outlet, physical outlet, to calm my over stimulated mind that was trying to heal and deal all those things I was going through with myself at the time. Well… I’m doing the same exact thing now, but didn’t want to let them out in any way. Somehow thought that it’s better if I just try to be with them, not do anything else than just think and sometimes talk about them. That obviously didn’t work out like I intended. I was so fucking exhausted today before I knew that I need to run. I had nothing in me when I put my running clothes on, nothing when I stepped out the door. I felt numb. But after the first hill my mind started clearing. My head started popping ideas, writing topics and memories like it did before, before I forgot why I run. And for some time I forgot everything, I just ran. I felt the crispy cold air on my face. I only heard my steps and my breath. I was starting to be in peace again. I started to feel myself again. I needed to run, to remember why I run, to feel alive again, to feel like I need to write to feel better again, to feel so physically tired that my mind let’s me sleep without crazy animated dreams, to let that anger and hate out, to feel empowered, to feel that I can do it all again, to feel like I have nothing to be afraid of again, to remember who I really am again, to love again.

Life is filled with ups and downs, some of us has them more and the valleys and mountains are a bit lower and a bit higher than others. But if you listen to yourself and what it’s trying to tell you, you will do good. I forgot how to love two things that I love the most. I forgot why running and writing make me feel so good. I forgot myself in the midst of pain and feeling broken. But I’m on my way back.

PMA. ❤

Running – Away From Something Or Towards Better?

Forever the lone wolf...

Forever the lone wolf… Photo Kent Steen Handlos

I haven’t been writing about running in a long, long time. But my move made me think the whole thing in a new way.

When you’ve been running as alone as I have, it’s a huge change to have people around you doing what you love and find peace from. And I’m finding that really difficult.

One of the main things for me when I moved was that I would finally be able to run with friends and other people, to get better as a runner and push myself a bit more, without forgetting the fun in it all. Well, I don’t think things have gone really like I thought.

But when I moved, I didn’t realize, as you always forget the pure stress of all the new, that my feelings and how I take running as a stress release will change too. I have been running for quite long for the fun of it and at times pushing myself that tad more and seeing some changes in myself. But I’ve also been running completely alone and that has made me take those moments as almost a bit holy, my time. Running with others for me is not only about getting used to different pace or having people around me. It’s about sharing something that is my savior with others, in a way that doesn’t really feel comfortable. I have to be willing to compromise in a thing that is so important part of my journey and a way to heal myself. And to be honest, I’m not sure if I want that. That might sound really weird but still.

Just as our lives move forward, we use running in different ways to deal with different situations. I’ve used it as a superficial way to lose weight, to run away from pain, to ease stress, to tire myself, to ease the mess in my head, to remember why I even am here, to make me fall in love with myself, and so many different ways. And I’ve pushed myself too much with the pressure of others, the type that actually comes from yourself, to a limit that I have injured myself and really realized why and how much I love running, when I couldn’t do it.

Lately I’ve been running way more than I used to, not always even sure why. It wasn’t like someone was making me do it. Of course, yes, I have my next Ultra race in just couple of weeks, so it would be nice to feel good about that. But I don’t want to run if it feels like a chore that I need to do, not something I want to do. The moment it feels like shit, I will take a break and ask myself what’s really going on. No interest in doing something that doesn’t in the end feel fun.

I’ve written before about how we should stop being so concentrated on the pace, or the finish times or how many kilometers we train per week, in the end none of those matter. And they can also make some of us feel like shit, so please stop. Some can even be too intimidated for entering the whole fun of running because of that pressure. And with saying this all, I don’t mean that I don’t respect people who are in to training hard and putting the work, but they also have to respect the people that have different approach to the whole thing. Not everyone wants to PR all the time, some just want to run and have fun, if the times improve while at it that’s a bonus, but seriously it just doesn’t matter.

So yes, I don’t have any idea how much I train every week, I do track my runs with a watch, but still I couldn’t give you any kind of answer about my week kilometers. I just run. I don’t have a plan, I try to follow one and always find myself doing what feels best for me. I want to improve but not with the cost of running becoming something I don’t even want to do.

Now, after running in a familiar place for the last 9-10 months, I’m in a situation where everything is new all the time. And if that wouldn’t be exhausting in general, it’s in running too. I don’t know where to run and not have to think at some point where the heck I am. So I’ve been definitely missing the way you can run when you just know where you are and where to go.

Also, I’ve really pushed myself in running with others, but for some reason it just doesn’t feel right. I’m sorry, maybe it’s my introverted self, but my max seems to be one to two people. When there’s more, I start feeling this pressure of being able to run faster and this and that, and I hate that feeling! There’s few people here that I absolutely love to run with, because we don’t have to talk all the time and it’s still comfortable. They are not in a hurry with the pace and run for the same reasons I do. To clear our heads and be in peace.

Yes, I also know that I’ve been here only for couple of weeks and my mind might change about having more people around me, but as of now with all the other life stuff around me, couple might be my max.

To be honest, I don’t know anything better than to run next to someone you are so comfortable with that you just run in silence, your steps are in sync and it’s this zen like moment. Then even the fact that you might be pushing yourself a bit more than normally, doesn’t feel bad. Or you don’t think if the distance is too much. But that doesn’t really happen with that many. So maybe that makes it better. It’s not some convenience store bag of chips, it’s special.

So, yeah I’m not a big fan of fast pace and not enjoying the journey. I respect people who run like that but it’s just not for me.

Another thing that I’ve had to understand here is that when I run, away from pain or exhaustion or confusion, my body usually knows better. And obviously I didn’t realize how exhausted of this all new I was, before I felt physically ill when I was running. I had a run last weekend, where I just wanted to puke. Or like yesterday, when I face planted majestically in a forest, pissed off by the pace of others and the fact that I couldn’t keep up and not feel like shit. So in short, the stress we carry in our minds will come out as a physical reactions through our bodies. Listen to your body, is not a joke. And give yourself time to be sad, hurt, terrified, alone or whatever is needed. Not feeling okay is okay too, just as long it’s not a constant situation.

I guess, at the moment I’m both running away from certain things in my life but at the same time healing myself, and dealing those issues and moving forward and towards better.

PMA ❤IMG_8020