Embracing The ME I Am Right Now

wp-1477852857055.pngIt’s taken me some time to come to terms with who I am right now, and how much I love the Me right now. It’s weird feeling, I’ve never felt this good with all of me and my life in general before. I’ve always yearned and hoped and wished for this kind of feeling and now I have exactly that in my life, made by me. I really feel that I’m giving myself a chance to really embrace who I am right now, no apologies or anything. Me.

Before I wrote a lot here, I journaled all that I was going through, I felt that it was the best way to get it all out. And for a long time it was, it was who I was and could stand behind with no hesitation. But lately, more so this year, I’ve felt that I want to take a step back with it all, with all that’s been in my life. I needed to quiet down my life, in all areas, to find who I am and be okay with all of it.

I’ve been about the less is more life for couple of years now, in a way searching what it means to me. And I’m on that path still but found out what it really is right now. I’ve read a lot, which means that I’ve learned a lot, and that has helped me with how I feel about certain issues and what I personally want to do to them in my life.

One thing that was massively important to me when I moved to my own place, was to be able to fully be the one who decides what products to use around the apartment. I remember the day I got the keys and went to buy some cleaning products and how happy it made me to be able to choose the ones I wanted, the ones that are cleaner and at least a bit better for the nature. Sometimes it’s that simple of a thing that can spark your being slowly back to it’s “who am I?” gear to the right direction.

I’ve also really started to think more about the food I am eating and what it does to me, but also a lot of what it does the environment. I’ve noticed that when I live alone, I tend to go back to my vegan ways. I’ve been pretty much vegetarian for a long time, but sensing how I want to go back to those ways that truly felt the best for me and my body. And that are truly the best for the world too. A thing that is important to me, as I feel that why should any animal suffer in any way for my satisfaction when it’s not really even doing that. I feel better and I’m not harming any one while choosing this, a win – win situation.

Back when I originally started my journey to better health, especially mental health and finding ways to feel better as a whole, it was a selfish want that sparked it all. It was because I felt and was overweight and didn’t like how I looked and how that made me feel. That was the root reason for my want to change. As the time has gone by, I’ve gone from one end to another and back again and to this. But what has changed that I know more, and it’s getting harder and harder to just push the knowledge to the side and keep going like it doesn’t exist. They say that ignorance is a bliss, and in a way it is, but at what cost. I’ve been asking myself that a lot this summer. It’s really easy to be selfish and only think of your own happiness.

I think my less is more mentality has grown to take over all areas of my life, and it feels really good. I find that when I calm my life down to a level where I am strong enough to really say what I want and don’t want, to make those hard decisions without doubt in me, then I get closer and closer to my true self. I’ve started to question my decisions in a whole new way and found answers that I didn’t think I would have the courage to say even to myself. If I’ve always been honest, I’ve really been honest to myself now.

I can say that it’s one of the best feelings in the world when you are completely happy with your life and You. Like I said, I’ve wanted this moment or feeling in my life my whole life, but I’ve also been afraid of who that me really is and how it all could really feel.

This is all a funny tangle of things, but it basically all comes down to me enjoying life in the simplest of ways. I absolutely love being on my own and just read or watch interesting documentaries or movies or some ridiculous reality show. I love that I don’t feel anymore that there’s something wrong with me needing that much time alone, because I’ve felt for so many years that there was something wrong with me. That me being really sensitive is a fault in me, when it’s actually a strength.

For me right now living and enjoying my life in the simplest of ways means that I choose to buy foods that are organic and good for me and the environment, to challenge myself in finding ways and products in all areas of my life to be cleaner, to get rid of all that I truly don’t need and keeping my home simple and uncluttered.

I want to challenge myself in ways that I haven’t before and take myself further in the search of Me.

Right now for example, I am challenging myself to find clothing brands that are sustainable and ethical, while maintaining the style I’ve come to feel Me. I’m not going to buy any fast fashion anymore, the only things I’m still “allowed” to buy outside of this challenge are underwear and certain sports items, if I really can’t find alternatives to them. The thing is that I’ve bought so little clothes this year that where I’m starting is situation that I actually need new clothes, but I rather keep wearing the ones I have now than buy something that doesn’t feel right. And I’ve noticed that the less you cave in the less you feel the need. I’m happy that my general style is very simplistic and classic in a way and that I rarely feel like I want to jump to different hype styles. But the main thing in this challenge is that I want to show myself that having this style is possible in ethical and sustainable way too.

I strongly feel that it’s good to consider the whole picture of our actions and not just what feels the best for you. I’ve found myself thinking a lot that if it’s important to me that I use clean skin and hair care products, and eat clean food, then why don’t I only buy clothes with the same mindset or all else we need in our lives. I don’t think that it can’t be a whole “deal” and that you need to be without something because of this mindset. I think it’s just more about finding ways to make it work. And right now, I want to challenge myself with it and show that I can do it.

What this all really boils down to is Me feeling better and better with less is more as a whole life mindset. Being 100% okay with who I am and not being uncomfortable to face my fears or insecurities. Loving the life I am living right now and not thinking jealously that why is someone else having this or that and why am I here just being bitter of their success.

I’ve found ways to find more peace in my life, from meditating every morning, to eating cleaner, being extra gentle to myself in this once again new chapter of my life, being active in a calm way, learning more by reading and really tackling that as it is a thing I absolutely love.

I’m happy that I don’t have to be the same person I was couple of years ago, that would be sad and also impossible. I am happy that I’ve gone through a lot of heartbreak and struggles, because that’s why I am the Me I am right now. What I can do now, is to live my life the way I really want to, not saying I’m sorry in every turn, setting boundaries with what feels right and what wrong and standing with them strong. I know that not all of my decisions will make some people in my life happy, but I have to put myself first and think of my own wellbeing as my number one goal. Because when I feel good with myself, I am able to be more to others and to this world.

You’ll be seeing this new challenging chapter here too, hope you’ll enjoy it as much as I do.

PMA ❤

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Depression. Epilepsy. Broken Wrist. What’s Next? Mostly Good I Hope

Photo by Markus Kontiainen

Photo by Markus Kontiainen

That’s how it has been. Depression. Epilepsy. And now broken wrist. And the last week and a half I’ve had time to think about this all. Thinking if this is some sick joke that I’ve had to deal with all of these in just few months.

Yes, I’ve had depression on and off since I was fairly young, runs in the family. But the last few years I’ve gotten the hang of that one, and know and feel when I’m “falling” and know what to do about that. And I’ve had epilepsy since I was 17, though the last 3 years without the medication and for almost 22 years without any seizures, until just before last Christmas and a week and a half ago. Oh yeah… And that broken wrist. I’ve written how I’ve managed to fall on my face couple of times last fall, but I got the news of my wrist being broken since last October and needing an operation involving a screw and bone from my hip, just on the Christmas week.

So with all of these, plus having some major heart brake issues, my interest in this all started to be under a rock. Since I met with my surgeon about my wrist early January, I’ve been more than down with my mood. The news about when and how the operation will be hit me really hard. I was smart enough to not google anything, but with nothing to wait, I was blindsided by it all. Now I’m on the waitlist for the operation which might be in two weeks or in 6 months. And the fact that after it I’ll be in recovery for 3 months. I just didn’t expect any of that. I guess I thought that it’ll be a day and then I’ll do some training with a physio and be done. To be honest, I have no idea what I expected.

The fact that I’m not capable of being myself 100%, is very and has been very disheartening. Yes, I’ve probably been a bit over dramatic about it, but hell, the fact that going from very athletic and capable to needing to ask for help with the simplest things and not being able to use your left arm is a bit shitty feeling. But all through all those feelings I’ve reminded myself that I have it good, it’s going to get treated and there are so many millions of people in the world who aren’t in the position I am and still won’t complain, so.

But what I’ve also been, has been depressed, tired to the level of light burnout, lost in the puzzle of people and how they treat you, and with all that in me already, my good old friend epilepsy paid me another visit. On a day when I last needed it, not sure if you ever need that but yeah. And at that point I just was too tired to be interested in anything. That was it for me. I had nothing in me to fight anything anymore. I was mad, sad and just thinking What’s Next? Bring It! I don’t even care anymore! Which is obviously total bullshit, because I’m incapable of not caring, but even I was close.

And when I was laying in the ER of the hospital and my doctor comes and says that we need to start your medication for the epilepsy again, I don’t know, I just broke a bit inside.

One of the biggest things for me has been that I’ve been able to balance my life in a way the last few years that I didn’t need the medication anymore. And now, knowingly what I shouldn’t do and what will trigger it, I’m back in a place in my life where I have to put few meaningful dreams aside because of it. There went my dreams of finally being able to drive a license and being able to do those road trips I’ve dreamt for a long time, going somewhere alone in a car I can sleep in. There also went the dream of living as clean as possible, as the idea of needing to eat that strong of a medication makes me sad and like I have no control over my own life.

In a way I was and have been mostly mad or disappointed at myself. Why with all the knowledge I have about my situation and my past, I go and do the exact opposite? Why I stop all that have made me feel that good and balanced my depression to a level that it’s almost non existing? Why I stop caring about my diet and think that something would have changed with me needing certain amount of sleep to keep my epilepsy in check? In the end I’ve been sabotaging my own self.

Why?

The way my last year went from start to finish has definitely had a part in that. It started and ended with a heart break. And now learning more and more about my HSP (highly sensitive person) and introversion, I’m not even surprised how puzzled it all made me. I lost myself in all of that, without realising that I need time to heal, really heal. I healed but not fully in spring time with running, I was heading to a great direction but I fell for someone too early and that was too good to not dive head first. Why not, I tend to believe in love no matter what.

But when I moved back to Finland, I was just in need of a change and I got that in the form of a completely new and exciting job. But as I do, I dove head first, and forgot that now I really need those good balancing teachings that I’ve practised so hard for couple of years. But when you’re excited you don’t have time to concentrate on things like good diet, sleep and exercise, right?!

So my first epilepsy seizure, late fall, tried to remind me of certain things without me listening to any of it. Then the news of my wrist tried to calm me down a bit, but it only made me angry and teenagey. So I needed the universe to really stop me cold with my second and hopefully last epilepsy seizure, to hopefully make me understand that it doesn’t make me a bad person if I’m not willing to risk my health for something else. No one made me or expected me to do that, just to make it clear, that was all me. But the challenge will be from now on, from next Monday when I go back to work. To find that balance, really work on me and finding ways to feel better.

Maybe this is part of some 30’s crisis, that I didn’t have when I was turning 30, or maybe this is some pressure that comes from the world we live in these days. No idea what, but I feel a lot of times we’re supposed and expected to be almost immortal and capable of everything without sleep and personal boundaries. The social media pushes new this and that to us all the time, and you feel even when you don’t really feel like that in you, that you need to want something or be something else that you are, or more this or that. I can’t do all of that. I’m one of those who are way too sensitive to be in front of all that all the time and try to exceed. I have no interest in exceeding because that’s impossible. That’s not me.

I saw an interview of Adele when her new album came out and the interviewer was asking does she miss being in the spotlight or does she have her own squad. What she answered was perfect. She said that not really because it’s not real life, and those who think that it is usually tend to be assholes. And that she has a squad, the ones that truly matter and care, and that it’s really small, and has gotten smaller and smaller the more known she is.

Without realising, that’s exactly what I’ve wanted to do for some time. To go in the background so to speak and just do my job really well. Push myself forward in those things, like writing and being healthy and a good friend and person, but doing it for me, not for others. And what I’ve noticed is that my “squad” is really small but the quality of it is off the roof! There’s spots in there for few more good ones, but my trust is a bit shakey these days so I apologise if it’s not that easy to get in. So again, less is more, in so many ways.

Also, how I feel about all these physical things that have been shaking my balance, is still something I thought long long time ago, I got them because something higher knew that I’m strong enough to carry them. I’m embracing this all now, it’s not all fun and games all the time, but I am embracing this and what it brings. I can assure you that starting your medication again and it making you feel like you are in a cloud of deep tiredness and foggy head and nausea, is not the way you want to spend a week, but I keep moving forward. I just needed to let myself feel all of that. I can’t be afraid of things that I love. I can’t stop being me, even if something like this is “back”. I am me, because I have all of these. There’s nothing wrong with me, and if they make someone think again about if they want to get to know me better, then that’s their lost, not mine. I do love myself like this, “flaws” and all. They are not flaws, they are parts of me.

LOVE. GRATITUDE. FAITH IN BETTER. PMA ❤

I want to thank all of you who have been my support through this. Thank you to my colleagues who helped and took care of me after my seizure. I am very grateful for this all, thank you.

 

Live And Learn…

IMG_2187“Let’s push as far before I crack…”.

And then I cracked, as in on Tuesday morning 5:30, I got an epilepsy attack, a grand mal, something I haven’t had in 13 years. Which ended up me needing to go to the emergency room with an ambulance in the morning. And also really go through my life and how I’ve been living it lately.

If I am smart and admit that I’ve been working too hard and long hours, in my own new found passion for my job, this wouldn’t happen as I would’ve been smart enough to calm the situation early enough, but no…

I have a habit of going full steam when I get excited about something. And this past couple of months have not been any different. I found something I am good at, got all stoked to the point that I was ready to do anything and everything to get ahead in my job when I should’ve have calm down and slow down and learn slow and steady. And with my insane passion and drive, I’ve managed to piss off some people, because it can be too much at times, and for a reason. I can be too much, I know that. I’ve lived with myself quite a few years and worked on this trait of mine but forgot it this time… Unfortunately.

But playing with my health is the stupidest thing I could do, especially when I’m the one usually reminding my friends of it. There’s no reason for me to do anything so much that my body stops me to the core. None.

My first reaction to the attack was pure hatred. I was pissed off that the medics wanted me to calm down, when they obviously didn’t realised that I have stuff to do. When I understood that they are being good to me, I got pissed off at myself. I was pissed off that I let this all go this far. When I know too well that I am not that important that things will stop if I don’t do them all. But it’s still tempting, as people like me know.

It’s super easy to beat yourself up for something like this, but then again it won’t help you in any way. You can only learn from your mistakes, like I have before, so this should not be any different.

What almost surprised me was the fact that I was terrified that I will lose my job because of this. I was genuinely worried that this is it, if I won’t be able to do what I’m supposed to then what am I good for?! The thing is that no one is expecting me to do some inhumane amounts of work and still push on. I’m supposed to have a life just like anyone else and I’m still learning the traits of this field, I’m not ready and done yet, hopefully never will be. So I need to be way easier to myself. I have to have other life too, I need to see my friends and have time for running and other things that make me smile and feel full of life.

There’s no need to drain my whole being from everything with the thought that if I don’t then someone else will get my job… Which could happen anyway.

But I do owe myself to be the best I can to myself, so that I can be the best I can be in what I do and to others too. I should know this as I’ve gone through similar situations before, not this drastic but close enough to learn my lesson, except that I obviously haven’t.

Maybe the fact that there’s been so many amazing and good things in my life since I moved back home to Finland, that the shear amount of it all has just overwhelmed me and I’ve just jumped in without thinking that I need some balance to it all.

The stupidest thing, to do to myself, was the fact that I didn’t give myself any time to heal from it all, but I went back to work the next day only to learn that I need to take few days off because of that mistake. Which made me feel even worse this morning when I realised it. But I can either keep beating myself or just learn my lesson and move forward with a smarter mindset.

I think for a moment, I got sucked into this thing that is cool that if you’re super busy and “important” then you’re doing things well… A thing I’ve always hated, for a reason. As the real me knows that that is not real and that being there for others and taking care of yourself are way more important things to take care of.

I need to go back to my own drawing board and maybe even write down, what things are important to me and what can I do to be better at them and in my job that I love, without risking my health. Should not be too hard.IMG_2218

For sure, a thing I really don’t want to even think, is the fact of how much this epilepsy attack really scared the shit out of me. I haven’t had any issues with it for a good 12 or so years and after doing everything opposite to what I know are good, I managed to work it back to my life and freak me out. For a good reason I’ve done certain things in a certain way so that I don’t need to worry about the whole thing. I managed to forget them all with my excitement. Again, lesson learned, hopefully!

I can be good at things, without drowning my whole being in them. It’s completely okay to take time for yourself and need to rest, nothing wrong with that. Without being healthy selfish and doing exactly those, you won’t be able to keep pushing with the things you love. Same goes with work, running, whatever. You need to rest to be able to do them. Point blank.

In the end this was needed, not that I am proud of it on any level, but I seem to need a pretty drastic reminder to stop what I have been doing. Learning slowly my lesson, but still got some work to do with learning this.

Also what really humbled me was the sheer amount of care and love that I received near and far, thank you so much for it all ❤ means the world and reminds me of those good things!

I can be afraid of many things but I can’t over compensate to make them work. One step at a time, is the right way to go. I need help just like anyone else. I have to say that I am very blessed to have good people in my life to ask for help or say how I feel. Things are way better than before, I’m truly not alone anymore. Thank you. ❤

SLOW. STEADY. YOU’RE ENOUGH. REST. SLEEP. EAT. DRINK. HUG AND LOVE. PMA ❤IMG_2217

Interview : Siv Knudsen

Photo Matti Ollila

Photo Matti Ollila

Let me introduce you to SIV KNUDSEN

There’s people who are able to inspire you from afar, my friend Siv is one of those people. I love how she’s stayed very true to herself and the things she loves all these years, something not all of us can do. In my books she is insane amazing and I really wanted to introduce her to you all too. She’s about as passionate about snowboarding as you can be, with all the tenacity that comes with the sport that can break you at times, but always bringing you back up on the board. Siv is one of the founders of Piruliina, group of amazing ladies who pretty much rocks and know how to ride their snowboards. She’s an ambassador for POW – Protect Our Winters , an organisation that through snowsports keep us informed and updated about the importance of climate change and how we can do our part in saving our winters and the world too.

who are you, where you come from, what do you do? tell a little about yourself

I’m Siv and I’m 29yrs old. I’m from Norway but nowadays I live in one of my favourite cities Helsinki, and
I pretty much live for snowboarding.

what does snowboarding mean to you, why did you start it?
I guess it’s the basic story: as a kid I saw some guys snowboarding and it seemed sooo cooool that you just had to try it out. And now 16yrs later I couldn’t be more happy about that decision! Snowboarding has given me so much during my life. It’s just this great passion that kind of controls your whole life on in a positive way.

what made you start Piruliina, and what is it about?

We were riding together with a group of girls and decided to start filming so we needed to come up with a name. The name Piruliina actually comes from spirulina. For us it’s all about doing what we love, it’s about friendship, wellbeing and especially having fun!pannuValk

 

where do you see yourself and Piruliina in 5 years?

I have no idea even where I will be next month. I’m trying to live my life that way that I can enjoy the moment and don’t plan things too much ahead.

what are your future goals with sports?

To keep doing what I love and feeling good about it. Of course I’m hoping to keep progressing but the main thing is to keep the good vibes on.

Photo by Harri Tarvainen

Photo by Harri Tarvainen

what are your favourite ways to stay active?

Eat good, sleep good and do what I love. That keeps me active, though nowadays you don’t get away with those things you used to younger.. so yoga is one way to cope with all those bails you get from riding.

what does health mean to you?

Health is something I am really grateful of. It’s not something you should take for granted. With our own lifestyle choices you can do a lot. I love to eat healthy and cherish my health because it makes me feel good.

three things you could not live without?

Good food, water and sleep haha.

how do you get inspired? what keeps your fire burning?

All the good vibes I get from my friends, snowboarding/other sports and music keeps me going. I love the feeling when you feel good and get some adrenaline. Of course there’s some bad days in between but that’s life, you need to eat some shit every now and then to really appreciate the good stuff again.

what would you tell to your teenage self?

What’s done is done, worrying wont get you anywhere.

social media
instagram @knudsensiv

a big thank you Mirka, keep the good work up ❤ and to this, thank you Siv for sharing a bit of you with me ❤ !

You can go and vote for Siv in Spine Magazines Awards, she’s nominated for Suomi/Finnish PRO and her crew Piruliina is there too, go and vote!! Here’s the link

Here’s an amazing new video from the ladies of Piruliina!!

Pressure Point

IMGP8104I’ve reached my breaking point, or at least I’m really close to it.

I’ve always tried to keep this blog and my writings honest but I feel that this might be the time, when I’m brutally honest.

I’m so done, so exhausted and just insanely tired, probably a bit depressed too. In so little time, only little over six months, yes I’m repeating but I feel that I need to see it to finally believe it. So, in only that time, I’ve moved twice from country to country to country, lost my Grandma, tried to get used to living back in Finland where I genuinely don’t feel like I belong at all, found  my first job in few years, getting insanely amazing sponsors for my goals, trying to find myself in all this, having my long relationship coming to an end, trying to grieve the loss of my Grandma, being there for others, trying to train for my Ultra.

I’ve tried so hard to push on, so hard, and I know that I’ve done some amazing work while at it. But I’ve also completely forgot myself and the ability to say that I don’t have anything in me at the moment. And if I don’t say how I’m really feeling, no one will know and they expect that I can do what I’ve done. People tend to forget what’s happened, and I don’t say that in a bad way, it’s just not their life and I would forget it too. So if I don’t say something, no one will know.

I’m feeling like there’s this pressure of doing well, because everything in my life is actually going really well. But there’s also been so much to take, emotionally, that my powers are starting to dwindle down and I’m in a point when I’m just anxious and stressed about the smallest thing.

I’ve been helping other people make their goals and dreams come true, and managed to forget that I’m supposed to put mine first on my lists. Which has ended up me being completely uninspired and with no energy to write and run. I’ve ran because I’ve needed to stay alive and I’ve managed to get almost on every run to this meditation like state, which has been crucial.

But my relationship with my body and mind has gone really sour. For the past months, I’ve been eating whatever or none at all. And in a time when my body image and my body in whole should look better than ever before, it doesn’t, not even close. I’ve gained weight and that makes me feel really bad and insecure, like it has always. I’m eating stuff that I haven’t in such a long time, and all of it is making me feel physically ill and my face is looking like I’m a teenager again. I’m really disappointed in myself and that makes me feel even more shitty. I hate that I feel like this, as I’m supposed to be strong and all, but I can’t be strong all the time, even if I wanted to. But I’ve lost the me that I am now. I’m trying to find that again, but it’s not too easy.

Mostly I’m feeling okay, but it might also be because I haven’t let myself really feel all that I have inside, it’s quite scary.

While I know that I’ve been super hard on myself, I don’t seem to really understand all that has happened in such a short amount of time. I feel extremely lost. And I haven’t really talked about all this, only to one friend, because this all and all the other feelings I have inside aren’t the easy and pretty things to say.

They make me feel super insecure, shitty, unsure about all that I am doing. I don’t feel like that strong, healthy, sexy woman that I already thought I am. All of sudden all that is lost.

I’ve pushed myself in a corner and I’m not sure how to get out.

I have so nice things coming soon, and all I can think is that oh no I look so fat and I don’t have any nice clothes and oh no this and that. I feel like I would just like to hide, but in the same time I can’t wait to see my friends, the people I’ve missed so much and haven’t seen in over half a year.

What I’m feeling at the moment, is only happening because I haven’t been good enough to myself, I’ve forgotten my own health and well being, mind and body. Which unfortunately isn’t too new to me, but this time I’m really tired of this as I’m the one suffering, only me, like before.

Even though I’ve been thinking that I don’t have time to fall, I have to let myself fall and feel all that’s happened. If I don’t, I’m not going to feel any better and I’m only going to fall harder. It’s time for me to put myself first, not after all and everyone else, like I have for way too long.

PMA ❤