Fear

I’ve always been afraid, irrationally afraid of life I guess. While at the same time wanting to live way more than I was able to do. I’ve done things while being so afraid that I thought my heart would jump out of my chest, and sabotaged my own success so many times because of fear. I’ve done it all, from one end to another. I’ve gotten tired of being afraid too many times to count, but not done something about it more times than the first.

I remember when I was a kid, I had a pretty wild imagination, still have but you know… adulthood and stuff. But anyways, I remember this one time when I was out cruising with my bike and I biked through this big parking lot really close where we lived, and I saw a parked bus. My first and only thought was that how would it feel to ride to it, yes ride my bike full speed to a parked bus. And I actually did it, I tried the one thing that popped into my head. Not the smartest, definitely but back then I had this “fuck it” mindset and I just did things even though I was afraid.

I’ve moulded and changed myself through the years through different levels of fear. I’ve done harm to myself and my loved ones when trying to be someone else I really was. Done harm in way that I still have to carry with me, though I did face my biggest adulthood fear last week. But more about that later. The thing is, my fear for living my life fully has made me depressed more than I should’ve been. It’s made me do decisions that I still feel ashamed of, because I’ve mostly betrayed the trust others had for me. And while it was my massive insecurity that made me do those things, I hate the fact that I needed to do all of those things and go through all I did to be right here, right now.

This summer, this past summer I’ve been mostly working and kind of hiding behind that in all ways I could. I’ve been stuck with myself the whole time and knowing what I probably should do, but done nothing about it. I’ve actually gained around 10kg this summer, and it’s a lot to carry. Not only physically but mentally too. In the end it’s fear that I’m hiding behind while thinking that I’m pushing on, which I am. But not in a way I really, honestly should.

The truth is that after 3 years of being single or alone or however you want to call it, I’m terrified of even the idea of falling in love again. Holy shit that is scary idea, to let someone in your life, fuck. So what I’ve been doing is talked with people that I enjoy being alone and don’t feel like I need anyone in my life, which isn’t the whole truth. Especially because I had this “moment” this summer when I met this one remarkable person, you know those ones that make you think “holy shit, that’s my person”… Yeah, I’m one of those romantics who just thinks like that. No can do. But seriously, that moment made me realise that I do want that in my life again. But it’s easier for me to keep those things far because then I don’t have to get hurt, which I have been on a level that still makes me do certain kind of faces while I type this.

I remember when I was around 18, and there was this guy at school I thought was interesting. I didn’t know him, we didn’t have any mutual classes or anything, but I found him interesting and thought that I should just take a risk. So one day as I was walking to school and he away, I stopped him and and bluntly asked him out. And he said yes, we went, it wasn’t anything special. But the point is that I did it. I’ve lost that part of myself in many ways the past years.

I’ve done things I’m scared shitless, like moved to a country I’ve never really been with no plan whatsoever, just jumped to unknown and tried to figure things out there and then. Not succeeding, actually at all, sorry to my friends in those places and mostly thank you, but I still did it. The last time I moved back home to Finland, now around 3 years ago, I was broken mentally in a way that took me almost 6 months to really understand and physically in a way that it took about the same amount of time to get to a doctor to know my wrist was really broken. And the combination of those two been crumbling me in a way I haven’t even noticed, until now.

Back in the day I might have been afraid to the core, but I tried anyways, with that fuck it attitude of what might happen in the end. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I’ve lost 3 really close people in super short amount of time, or the fact that I feel like I have no control over what is happening in my body, or sometimes in my head either that makes me stop and not even try. Why my insecurities are on a all time high lately. Why I doubt myself in things I know in my core that I’m good at. Why I rather all of sudden give up than try at all? And all of this while actually having my life in better place than ever before…

I need to find my peace again. I need to slow down and shut up. I need to look myself, straight in my eyes and be proud of who I am, because I have no reason to be this afraid of who I am. Half of me is so damn ready to burst out of these seams I’ve sewed around myself and the other half is just confused by this all. I have moments when I stand proud infront of someone and there’s no doubt in me and then I lose that side all of sudden and feel like I’m almost looking myself like a fly from the ceiling. Sluggishly and numb just going from one day to another without living, just surviving.

I don’t even know if I know how to love again. If I have that in me, or I guess I do, my tools around it are just kind of dusty from the scars I still carry. For myself, and others.

Tonight I walked in the pouring rain home from a concert. The theme of the concert was fear, but in a way that we should celebrate it, embrace it. And I noticed myself smiling in the rain while walking, after a long long time. There’s been few moments this past summer with that kind of effortless smile, but the core of me have not smiled in a long ass time. I finally remembered how it feels. The rain almost felt like it was washing away all that baggage I’ve been carrying the past months. Like I said, I’m a romantic and forever will be. But my lust for life is finding it’s way back. Part of this is depression and how it works, part of this is the weird grown up confusion about being or supposedly being an adult. You know one of those who looks to their friends who get married and have kids, with this weird feeling of “I am nowhere close to those things and why I don’t feel that kind of adult at all?”.

The point is that life is weird as hell, but with fear or not, all we can do is try to live it as hard and fully as we can. I have to remember that my way is as good as anyone else’s, I just need to find my way again. I already have found the right tracks, now it’s time to move forward on them. Say yes to things I’m afraid, and no to things that just don’t feel right. It’s actually super simple. And walk in the rain, always walk in the rain.

PMA ❤

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Tired Of Struggling. In Life. Honestly

IMG_0752-0I’m so damn tired of struggling. In life. With those basic adult things that others seem to have all down. Struggling with everyday issues, like money, like where to live as a 32 year old, what to do for living to be able to be independent, like not feeling as lost with this all as I in all honesty do.

It’s close to 5 years or maybe even more since I had my own place to call home. A place that I paid the rent for and had like I want my home to look like. I didn’t have much there but it was mine and it was my safe haven where I could just be.

It’s almost 10 years since I had normal adult person bank credits, as in not having lost them, as in not having a big ass debt, and now being in a situation that I feel at times that I don’t have a future. Because I messed up as a very young and confused person, with severe mental health issues at the time. And I was medicating that feeling with buying and trying to be someone I’m not, because I was so afraid to really open myself and admit that I need help.

It’s a long long time since I had a regular day job, where I get a proper paycheck once a month, and with that being able to live a normal life, without the day to day struggle that I am in now.

My depression is definitely one big reason for being in my situation now. The fact that I lived in a time when having the certain outlook of yourself was so important played a part too. Me growing up when Finland had a huge economic depression, and not having maybe what others had, has something to do with it too.

And when I had my first real job, I just used my money like there was no tomorrow, because all of sudden I had some and it was mine. To make one thing very clear, I never felt that I was missing something growing up, I could not been more loved. But something in that time has left it’s marks in my age peers. I talked about this with my oldest friend just last week and we deeply agreed. Either you grew up to be super cheap and saved all your money, or you went to my direction.

The thing is that I’m not the only one with this situation, there’s too many of us in Finland, which is really sad. Things were different back then, too easy to get easy money and get trapped in it all. We are, I am, paying the price with my life. Pretty literally.

And when you try, you change your thinking and how you see the world, and go mentally forward. Ask for help, get help, open the whole bunch of embarrassing issues and go through them. Try to find a solution, find one but feel so tired at the same time, because you feel that you are just drowning and never being able to live a normal life again.

Now, almost 10 years later, my life is better in many ways that I couldn’t even dream back then. Myself, me, I am good. I have my ups and downs, my depression tries to creep up on me, but I have tools to live with it and I have the right kind of people around me. I’ve grown so much as myself that I still find it hard to see for myself. I don’t see my worth, there are moments but I need the reminder all too often from my friends. Material things just don’t mean what they did before, my belongings fit in my 120L Patagonia duffel bag still, except for all my books. I am happiest when I have really little. BUT. I am in a situation where I live at my parents place, not because I want to or enjoy it, but because I don’t have any other option, unless I find an apartment from the city, with council housing with the longest lines, where I live. I am 32, and I live at my parents. I feel the pressure to find my own place, for my own peace, for the peace of our whole family as this is not the way it’s supposed to be. I am insanely blessed to have this kind of family, because without them I have no idea what would’ve happened. I don’t know if I can ever really express how grateful I am for this and all before this. And it is very embarrassing to be the one that your closest friends pay lunches for because they know your situation, but at the same time know much it means to you to be able to pay for it yourself.

I am so tired of struggling. I am so tired of trying and working hard and trying and working hard and failing again and again. That might be more in me, the failing part of it, but it’s very real feeling in me. My trust in my own future is hanging on very thin thread at times. I made a simple mistake when I was young, mistake that snowballed so fast that it took over me, and now at my age I am paying such a huge price that it’s snowballing over my current life and trying to suck the last faith and hope out of me. I am struggling at days to have any kind of interest in trying, I’ve noticed how my depression has creeped it’s ugly self back and trying to get me to slowly give up. I know better but when you feel like the biggest loser example of how NOT to do things, it’s really fucking hard to not give up.

I have a feeling that some people think that I have somehow loads of money and because of that am able to do certain things. Nope. I don’t. I struggle every damn day to be able to eat lunch, because if I do, I know that I won’t probably have money for the whole month. I’ve been interning for quite many years, with really small amount of money in the hopes of it all getting better with getting that job after the interning period ends. Things don’t always go as you or your workplace hopes.

The choices I make with my money, are very thought out, I buy quality clothes and shoes so that they last long, my running gear is very very used and I am so blessed to have been given some gear from my friends all over the world, without them my running life would be a lot harder. I might prioritize my money to being able to travel to a place where I’ve never been to see those people I love the most, who I don’t see as much I would want and need to. But that all means that I will be so broke that I need to think half way through the month if it all makes sense. It does when I see my friends and am able to hug them and feel like a whole person, even for a weekend.

I still don’t have a clue where I would feel like home. I am still searching for my home place, country, spot, whatever. It’s not in Finland, but this is the place I need to be now, whether I want or not, and I need to do my all to make it good while I am here.

And now that I am waiting to get my wrist operated and knowing that after that I’ll be out of the working game for few months, doesn’t make me feel any better, it makes me proper terrified, to the broken bones and back. Try to feel hopeful for your future with all of this…

The thing is that I know how blessed and privileged I am, and that keeps me very damn grounded. I have a life that is so good, I have too much to complain at all. But fuck I’m tired of this.

The saddest thing is that this almost seems to be like the new norm these days, there’s too many in too many different places who struggle, in one way or another, young people who are trying to see their future and trust in it while the world and it’s situation makes it nearly impossible. We’re being divided more and more to those who live and those who struggle with the simplest things in life. And we all just want to be happy, do something we enjoy most of time, be loved and love back, just the simplest things in life, nothing crazy.

I am so happy that my mental health is in a place where it is now, if I was in such a bad place as I was in my early twenties, I don’t think I would be here anymore with all of this. I am so happy to have my family and my friends in my life. I am so happy that I know myself the way I do. I am so happy to be able to grow older and be more and more confident in my choices and life and how I live and love it. I am so lucky, but I am also so fucking tired of struggling. I don’t need to have anything grandioso, I wish to have a little place to call my own home, to have a job that ables me to provide for myself, I still don’t want to have that much more than that one Patagonia bag.

The struggle makes you tired and sad. I am tired of that. But the deepest feeling is still hope and faith in better in me. So if you wonder why I am able to smile and laugh so much, it’s because I truly have gone and am going through something that makes me appreciate the simplest things in a way that I never thought possible.

ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE. LOVE. FAITH. HOPE. PMA ❤

Challenge To Challenge Yourself

So. Tomorrow is the first day of December. I can open my first Christmas calender window. Here in Finland it could get colder, which I like. It also means that I’m about to challenge myself more than before, like really!
Couple weeks ago I decided to challenge one running buddy of mine to run 200km in December, to kick that Christmas ass! Then Couple of days ago I became part of Bangsandabun’s challenge to run 80 miles in December. And, on top of that I wanted to take part in running every single day of December!
Some say this determination, some craziness… Not sure which it is but I’m ready! 🙂
The hardest thing for me is going to be to remember to eat enough… That sounds ridiculous but I am just completely able to not eat enough. And this has nothing to do with vanity or wanting to be thin or some poop like that, nononoooo!! So, one challenge is to eat and it shouldn’t be a problem in December I hope haha! 😀
So, keep your fingers crossed for me and wish me luck!

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