Have You Ever Wondered Why You Dream Of What You Dream Of?

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Have you ever wondered why you dream of what you dream of. Or if all of your dreams have something in common? Or have you basically dreamed about the same thing since you were little?

I’ve been thinking a lot of those lately. I love that I was questioned, for a reason, why I would need a motorcycle licence, when I don’t even have a regular licence. Yes, I would drive that too. But why would I feel that I need it? I do live at the moment, and probably some time now, in Finland. We don’t really have the longest season when it comes to driving a motorcycle… But still. That same dream has been in me for such a long time.

And now I’ve been questioning why I haven’t done anything about it before, or have I made the dream come true in smaller ways. Kind of preparing myself for this one, the one that really means the most… or is it just the same dream in different ways.

I’ve never done the conventional things in my life, well I’ve tried but those moments in time have only proven to be the wrong choices for me. So I’ve struggled to do the things that I find the best for me aka the unconventional. I’ve lived my life in ways that have made my loved ones feel uneasy to say the least. But I’ve also been afraid to live the life I really wanted because of the fear of what others would say or if I might upset someone who I love. I’ve left so many things undone because of those exact reasons. So many. And coming back to what has been going on in my life the past year, has really made me think that not anymore. This is the only life I have, so if not now when?

I have been thinking of the dreams I’ve had in my life and if I’ve made some of them come true. Because there was a moment too in this thought process when I thought that I don’t know how to dream at all… was fast proven wrong by myself.

All of my dreams have one thing in common: my yearn for certain kind of freedom and the feeling of flying. I’ve always had those, as long as I remember. I had a reoccurring dream when I was a kid, where I was driving a flying car. Makes me smile to think about that but I still remember it like I’ve just seen it. For such a long time I thought that if I would have a drivers licence I would be free, there was that same yearning as with when I learned how to drive a bike. Or the way I love to walk aimlessly for hours. I’ve been like this forever. Maybe I’m just restless, maybe I’m forever seeking my happy place, not sure what it is, but it’s deep in me and has been since I remember. I guess it’s part of the reason why I love to read so much, to get lost in different stories and always learn something new.

I realised that the dreams I’ve made true all had one thing in common, to find a way to feel free and fly in some way. My time as a bike messenger, or my time as a long distance runner, to move from unknown country to another without a plan. All things I decided I would do because I knew that I have to so that I can do something else, to move on from what I’ve been before, to become braver for the next step that I didn’t know before I had done those.

There’s this weird sense of calm in me these days, I just know that I’m on the right path. Every time I let someone else question my calm, my mind gets all stormy and confused, but when I listen to my gut and walk on my own, I am calm and know my right from what others feel to be best for me.

I do understand the reasoning for many things I’ve been questioned lately. They’ve been valid reasons and questions, but in the end I can only walk my own way. Even when no one understands my reasons. But then again, I don’t feel the need to talk about any of them these days either. My old way of doing that feels wrong these days, and if I’ve done it I just feel more confused and like I’ve disappointed myself in some way. Like I’m not able to trust myself in what I feel right. I guess old ways die hard.

One way or another I’ve always been a risk taker, I’ve just had times in my life where I’ve been lost and done what I thought others wanted me to do. And in this social media driven world of ours it’s easy to feel and get lost of our own path. We see just a piece of someone but still think that we know them well. And forget how much more there is behind those photos or updates. How often we really want to share our deepest dreams or wishes? If we share them, they are open for all kinds of shit. How much are we willing to take that from complete strangers or the people we love the most? In general people don’t want to try to understand, they rather judge, so it’s easier to hide our real selves. And that also makes it hard to believe in them for us, even when we know them to be the right for us. And it also looks to outside like we would just change our whole being in an instant because they don’t see the evolution behind it all.

So why do I want to have a motorcycle licence and obviously a bike to drive to the sunset? It all comes down to my yearning for the freedom. There’s something very real and rough in being out in the open. And I only remember that feeling from my messenger days, or more like the nights when I was driving back home from somewhere. Feeling everything on your skin and being weirdly part of all around you is a magical feeling. The need to be aware of it all, has a sense of making you feel extremely small, in the same way as when you stand on top of some amazing massive mountain and feeling like if the wind would want to it could just blow you away with no effort. Anything that humbles us and makes us feel small, is something to go towards to.

Thinking all of these, made me also realise that I’ve made all my dreams come true which is a crazy moment. Too often we think that none of our dreams really ever come true, but think again, not all of your dreams are those massive life changing ones. We make dreams come true almost on a daily basis. We just remember the big ones better.

None of my dreams are impossible, none of them. Majority of people will never understand them, and thank goodness for that. They would feel too ordinary if they did, and I would not even think of them probably. Reach for the stars and all that.

Things have a way of working out, so does dreams. That’s it. Make a plan, and not just dream. And then you’ll see it becoming reality. I’m living one of mine right about now, the best ones are the ones you realise afterwards being your reality.

Be you. Do you.

PMA ❤

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If I Lose Myself, I Lose It All

IMG_0368I’ve obviously entered the next chapter of my life lately. There has been the biggest storm and just pure amount of what the fuck in it, that has only made me stronger and made me see things clearly.

“She survived whatever happened; she forgave, she became.” 

-W.H.Auden, The Model

I’ve gone through the hardest and best summer and especially the last month. The last year has been just WOW, and here I am still. Trucking along, feeling happier and more blessed than ever, though never been all around this tired in my life.

I think in a way I’ve finally woken up, finally realized that I am me and I have no interest in changing one damn thing for anyone else. I’ve always been the one who adapts to whatever the other one is going through, forgetting myself and being there for them. But the situations have been one sided, I’ve been the one there, not equally. Not anymore. I’m tired of that.

I know that I have a habit of being too nice, which usually ens up me getting hurt. Happened again. But this time I’m not alone, I have the best safety net around me. I don’t have to go through all of this alone. That humbles me to the bone. I’ve honestly wanted to have this feeling since I was a kid, always been too afraid of actually letting people this close that they can be there for me. I finally stopped fighting and let them come. The scariest and best thing I’ve ever done.

Now that I am entering this new chapter of my life, once more, I feel anxious and uncomfortable, because I’m not sure what I should do or feel. I hate this feeling, it makes me want to jump out of my skin. While I’m in a way more comfortable in my skin than ever before.

After having one of the best weekends with old and new running friends, explaining my weird life situation, I started thinking if I am doing the right thing by staying and trying my best in Copenhagen. The faces and reactions of people when they hear that I don’t have a home or even a job at the moment, they made me think about this whole thing in a different way. Am I doing the right thing, am I?

When you’ve lived the way I am now, for as long as I have, you adapt to things easier and differently than you ever thought possible. You don’t stress about certain things at all, that used to make you feel like it’s all going to hell. If you would’ve said to me in my early twenties that when I’m 31, I won’t have a place to call home, I’m without a job and I’m single and still no idea what I want to be when I grow up, I would’ve laughed at you and said that hell to the no! I was so comfortable and wanted things to be comfortable, so much so that I ended up fucking up that whole thing and make my life harder than it ever should’ve been.

So now that I have this situation as my current life, I am still happier than ever before. I feel richer than ever before, not in money but with pure blessings in my life. I’ve been hurt more than I thought possible. I’ve gone through more than I thought possible and still standing here not ready to give up. I’ve loved more than I thought possible, only to realize that I am alone in that. But I’ve also finally being in the moment and lived my own life, my OWN life. Not caring what someone else thinks of it.

“Continue to share your heart with people even if it has been broken.”

-Amy Poehler

I do have moments, when I think that what is going to happen, where am I going to end up. I look at people that are my age, doing those things that I thought that I would been doing at this age. Being in a relationship, maybe married, hopefully have kids, sharing my life with someone, have a home that looks like me, have a job that pays the bills and enables me to travel if I feel like it. Isn’t all of that what we should want and have at this point in our lives? I do have moments, not easy to admit, when I think “when is my time”?

I’ve been running away from myself for most of my life, and I feel that I’ve finally stopped. I don’t hate myself anymore, I love myself. I am starting to know who I really am and really enjoying all of that. I feel my strength and it scares the shit out of me at times. My ability to love and forgive is insane. And I absolutely love that about myself. I see or at least try to see things in a positive way, even when shit gets very real. I still have things so much better than so many other people. And that is what keeps me humble. I have to remember how lucky I am.

I met some people last weekend that just made me feel insanely calm and like I want to have their company for long in my life. They’re calmness made the noise around me disappear and instantly made me feel good and at peace. I wish I could tell that to them and make them understand how special they are. But feel that after meeting once it’s a bit too much to just put out there. Maybe it’s not, I truly don’t know. Maybe some of them reads this and understands that I am talking about them.

“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”

-Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things

 Letting go has been one of the hardest things for me, but once I finally did understand it, the freedom it brought was sweet. I think all of us deep down want to believe in the good in others, which makes us love them harder than we should. With the price of our hearts getting dragged around and thrown away. I am definitely done that. But this is the first time I let go, truly let go and saw how I have done nothing wrong and could forgive to be free again. That stuff is hard and I have no idea why I was able to do it now. Why now and not before? Maybe because I’m really not the person I was before.

In the face of all the new in my life, almost missing people that I don’t even know, feeling scared of what will happen, thinking if I’ll be a nomad for the rest of my life, I still feel stronger than ever before. When I think of all that has been going on, I could easily crumble under the weight, but I’m fighting. I’ve found this warrior in me that is not ready to just give up and crawl under a rock. I have so much in me that needs to be let out and I need to enjoy every step that I have on this planet. I have so many places to visit. I have so much love in me to shine out and give. I have so many kisses and hugs that I need to give and receive.

I have finally, finally, understood that if I lose myself, I lose it all. I am all I have, and I am enough. And I don’t need to know straight away everything, or know what needs to happen next or where I need to be next. I just need to give myself a break to breath and listen to myself. I need to give myself a break to be patient. All will work out.

“Someday someone won’t be afraid of how much you love. They won’t stay on the shore; they’ll meet you in the depths.”

PMA ❤