Scars That Don’t Want To Heal

471567_10150877147547726_1778206004_oWe’re always evolving, growing. But certain scars take a lot longer to heal than others. Some moments in our past have gone so deep in our soul that it’s almost impossible to be free from them completely. What to do to those scars that don’t want to heal.

There’s huge contradiction between old and new, scars and newly shed skin, having closure and letting go and missing closure and not finding your freedom.

While my past haunts me at times and reminds me of how broken and torn my soul still is, I’m still human and thankful of that exact thing. Moving on and past things that have been so traumatizing, is not easy and especially when you actually want to deal them and not just forget and move on. But there are days when it all feels a bit too much and you doubt your whole being, with thoughts that just don’t make any sense. Like why this is happening to me and did I do something so wrong that I’m paying for my own karma now? Why someone deserves happiness and I don’t? Why someone’s life is so filled with love and I’m here mending my soul?

All of these thoughts make me feel really confused as I have more love in my life these days than ever before. Why some little thing can throw you completely off your course? How you can feel so loved and so alone at the same time? But I think deep down we all yearn to be loved by that one special, even when we know that we’re not alone and are so very loved by our friends and family. And admitting to yourself that you are nowhere close to being ready for any relationship with that special kind of love, because you don’t want to have any old issues when you enter something new, is hard when you feel lonely.

We’re so used to judging others and how they live their lives these days that we forget how big of an impact we’re able to do to someones life with just a simple little joke or comment. Everything is so public that it seems that it’s all free for whatever comes to our minds. And when someone is actually private and keeps their business to themselves we get confused and judge even more.

But at the same time, those people who are honest and brave with who they are and what they are going through, are the biggest inspirations to me. They truly wear their heart on their sleeve, like I feel that I am doing. Maybe I’m opening the door for people to judge me, but I would not want to live my life any other way. This is who I am and I’ve been hiding myself majority of my life and have no interest in doing so anymore. That probably will piss some people off, which is okay to me too, but please keep your judgement and comments to yourself, because in the end of the day they only tell me how you feel about yourself not me.

It’s human to feel hurt and in pain, and it’s human to feel anger towards someone who’s done you wrong. But it’s also very damn human to be able to feel happy for those who have hurt you if they seem happy. To me that shows that I have grown so much and don’t need to keep that pain of hatred in me anymore, but I also don’t need to understand why they did what they did. I forgive but certain things are harder to forget, though at the same time those experiences made me who I am and without them I would not know what I truly deserve and what I definitely don’t. So my intention is to be thankful for all, no matter how damn hard it feels some days.

It’s terrifying how we can hurt each other and how deep scars we can leave behind. The more you talk to and with people there’s this sadness of people treating each other so poorly, puking their own pain and scars to those who love them the most. It all makes it so much harder to trust in love and good, even when you have it in your life through your friends and family, but the void someone has left in you can suffocate the good of others. When someone destroys your soul with their carelessness, it kills the joy in you and you yearn freedom from that weight so bad.

“Freedom! Freedom! I can’t move
Freedom, cut me loose!
Yeah, freedom! Freedom! Where are you?
Cause I need freedom too!
I break chains all by myself
Won’t let my freedom rot in hell
Hey! I’ma keep running
Cause a winner don’t quit on themselves”

Beyonce – Freedom 

No one knows what lies behind the smile that is on my face, no one has the right to judge my why’s, no one who doesn’t know what I’ve been through has the right to doubt my strength and my decisions.

I’m who I am because of my past, I’m proud of myself exactly because of that. I’ve worked so damn hard. I’ve loved even harder and gotten so gut wrenching broken that I wonder to myself how I’m still standing, but I am. Deep in me I know and believe that I deserve love and good in my life, even though how much there’s reasons to doubt that. I have the right to get mad and be honest and open, that is what makes me so damn strong! I smile so wide because of this all, my laughter comes from the deepest depths of my soul because I’ve been hurt so bad. I respect and appreciate my struggle and march in the rhythm of my own drum. And for damn sure, I will love as much I have until now, but I’m not interest in anyone’s half ass attempts of using my time. I deserve better than that!

LOVE. ALWAYS LOVE. PMA. ❤

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Let’s Be Honest… About Love

IMG_1016-0I’ve written quite a few times about love, but probably never this honest. About how it really makes me feel and how it has changed over the years and how I feel about it now. So, let’s be honest… About love.

“Accept that you deserve more than painful love. Life is moving. The healthiest thing for your heart is to move with it.”

I’ve always been really brave when it comes to love, and now I’m finding myself being terrified of it. I feel like my trust and wings have been burned so badly in my last two relationships. I’ve grown, learned and loved more than ever before in those two. But also, really been hurt more than before. Felt like I’ve been stabbed with something that I didn’t want to believe really exists. The thing that sometimes people aren’t too nice to you, whether you’ve been good to them, it doesn’t always matter.

This subject isn’t an easy thing to write about, at least when it comes to really being honest. Love is one of those things that makes the world go round. I’ve learned finally, after hating myself for so long, to love myself. I have more love than ever before in my life. I have friends that I truly love and who love me. I’ve learned to love without expecting anything back, which is how you should love. I’ve always been a huge believer in love, that it will conquer all else, without even always understanding why I do believe so. Maybe because of that, I’ve gotten hurt so bad. Because I want to believe that people aren’t bad and that they don’t mean to hurt you. But even though how much I love, I can’t fix someone else if they aren’t ready to fix themselves. I can only love. But sometimes it’s love to walk away. To let go and take care of yourself first. That’s one of the biggest lessons I’ve finally learned and really understood.

“She’s known sadness, and it has made her kind.”

-Nathan Filer, The Shock of the Fall

I needed to get hurt and treated really badly to get mad enough to understand that I deserve so much better than I thought before. Being too nice, and believing the best always can be sometimes bad thing too. People love to use that kindness for their own good. I’ve been there for people who have just used me. Which I really shouldn’t have been tolerating, it was wrong on so many levels, but I wanted to believe in the good. But when the other person sucks the positivity and happiness out of you, you need to let go.

I remember when I felt really strongly that without having someone in my life, I’m not whole. Now I am enough alone, which I absolutely love. But I think I would love to share my life with someone. But for the first time in my life I don’t feel like I need that, I have a great life without that too. But I also am afraid, for the first time, that will I ever find or be found by someone.

I didn’t have a crisis when I turned 30, but I feel that I am having one now, or at least having thoughts about this all. I’m not worried about what to do with my life, or my work life, or any of that. I know that those will figure themselves out. I trust in that. I wasn’t ready to give myself a chance to really show what I can do before, I am now and I am getting those opportunities. But I am having these moments when I think that will I be a Mom one day before it’s too late, or if it’s even possible. I am turning 32 next March, I know that I am not old but I do feel this weird pressure at times when I am surrounded by my age peers who have those things, family and relationships. And still, I don’t feel like I need to really do anything “extra” about it. There’s a hope in me that wants to believe that it will work out too.

Then again, I don’t think I have been ready before to really be loved, ever. I’m still learning the whole thing of how to love myself. Getting pretty good at it, even if I say it myself. Maybe this is one of those things that takes time to be ready. Maybe I am getting ready for that all now.

“Love is patient, and that is the hardest part of love.”

-T.B. LaBerge, Unwritten Letters to You

One thing that makes me think that, and this whole thing in a completely different way, is that right now I have a crush. I have one of those things where you kind of like someone, but have no idea what to do with that whole thing. I’ve lost my bravery when it comes to that. I would love to be brave enough to say it to that person, but I am so afraid. The fact that I have been hurt and my trust have been used in the wrong way, it’s hard to take that step and open my heart,  for that possible rejection. Which in a way would be a relief, because then I could “release” this feeling. I actually really hate that there’s couple of people who were able to shake that hard work built trust in me. I’ve had so much trust issues since my childhood and I’ve worked really hard to understand other peoples behaviour doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with me.

With all that’s happened, I’ve found myself being afraid of the things I love the most. I do know, inside of myself, that I do deserve all the love just like anyone else. But I also do tend to think in those dark moments that what if that’s not meant for me. And then I get a bit bored of that old me and shake that off. Why wouldn’t I deserve it all?! Why would I be some kind of exception?

It’s weird to be in a situation with yourself that you really are happy with your life as it is, without needing to have someone in it. To have that change from need to choice. To being in a situation where you can honestly say, I wouldn’t need someone in my life, but I would love to share my life with someone. I’ve never been in this place with myself before. It’s really confusing and amazing at the same time.

“We all have two lives. The second one starts when we realise we only have one.”

-Tom Hiddleston

It’s also funny how I used to, when I was a lot younger, confused sex with love. How I used that physical attraction to believe that someone likes me, or even loves me. I think that’s part of the journey to you as you. You need to, or I needed to find my way through all that. How easy it is to hurt yourself in that search too. I remember how I finally, long time ago, decided that I want to stop that and really find what makes me happy and how I see myself. And how different it is to be in that situation when you are healed and good with yourself. To enjoy those moments of grown up pleasure with someone without needing it to be something else. To feel confident and sexy and strong, sensual grown woman. Being confident and happy with your skin, finally!

One really funny thing to notice is that I suck big time at flirting when I actually am interested in someone, possibly liking them. I can easily flirt and tease when there’s not any real “thread” of the situation going anywhere, but now when there’s someone on the other end that I really would love to get to know more, I get shy like never before and don’t have a clue of what to say. Maybe trying too hard, and then deciding to not say anything at all. I don’t get easily too silent, I’ve always been quite loud and talkative, and now… nothing. I wish and miss sometimes that brave me that was able to just say that “hey, I like you, and I think I am interested in you”. Where’s that me now? Am I protecting myself because of my past or what?

Also, when you come to this age, over 30, there comes this new aspect of being and meeting new people. We all have different kind of baggage than before, when we were younger. There might be kids, marriages or other “bigger” situations that we heal and move on from. That means that we all might have a bit more “protection” around us and not so much of that yeah let’s jump to this. I have to be honest, I am definitely afraid of getting hurt again. But then there’s this tiny voice in me that reminds me that if I don’t jump I never know.

One thing that I really almost hate at times these days, is the way social media is making things wayyyy harder to understand. I suck big time in understanding what the other one means when I text or chat with someone. I’m old school and I would way rather talk on the phone or meeting face to face. We throw emojis around like nothing and then when you think someone is being all cute to you, they write those same emojis to someone else and you are confused as fuck. All those winky emojis and no idea what they mean. Maybe it’s my old school self, that introverted and shy one that would love to think that some things are only for someone special, which almost sounds ridiculous now that I am writing it down here. What I’m saying here is that it’s not easy to be and want to be as open hearted as I would love to be in this world of ours these days.

“Continue to share your heart with people even if it has been broken.”

– Amy Poehler

The thing is, I think I’ve finally understood what loving someone means, or is about. I love myself in a way I never thought possible, I love my friends and others with a fiery heart, which I am very proud to own. It would be very easy to me to go back to that old miserable one who didn’t think that I would ever find someone and deserve anything good, it would. But then again, I just am nothing like that one these days. It’s okay to be terrified of love, damn it should be terrifying when you open yourself and jump to unknown with no idea what will happen on the other end. It would also be very easy to get all bitter and hate on guys, but then again, I’ve always been the other one in every situation I’ve been. So I can’t really hate on only the other one and not take any responsibility of the situation and what has happened and how I’ve reacted. In every situation with two people, there’s two people dealing it too. If I can be honest with myself with how I dealt it all and how I am dealing it, I’m good. I can forgive and let go, whatever there is to forgive and let go of.

I guess what I’m realising while writing this is that it’s okay to be afraid of love and what happens in my future, but it’s not good enough reason to stop loving and trying and being brave. What do I really have to lose?

“In the end, I want my heart to be covered stretch marks.”

-Andrea Gibson

PMA ❤

Summer of ’15

image2 (5)And now that the summer is almost over, at least on some of our minds and work has started again and we need to get “back at it”, I’m in that same place… And starting my new job today.

My summer of ’15 has been so much!

Yesterday I realized that it’s only been little over two months since I moved to Copenhagen, even though I feel like it’s been a year or something. When stuff is really happening, we tend to forget that it’s good to put things into perspective and think of the time that really has passed and understand to be a bit nicer to ourselves. Time goes so fast by these days that certain things feel a lot harder than they should. Something that is hard feels to be dragging on forever and then you realize that it has only been a month, which in the grand scheme of things is nothing. So I had to do a little Note To Self on Monday, when life felt like the hardest ever and all had fallen on me and nothing felt like it’s going to be okay.

“We tend to forget that baby steps still move you forward.”

All in all, I’ve definitely had the best summer of my life. It does contain some of the hardest times too, but I have to put them all into perspective and realize that it has been a very short period of time and so so much has happened. Patience is needed, I guess. I’ve got to start a new life in new country, got so many amazing new friends, missed my old ones like crazy, gone to an amazing trip almost around the world with my family, fallen in love, cried a lot, laughed even more, hugged as much I can, had to make the hardest decision of my life and give up my dog for the best of us both, thought that everything is okay only to realize that everything is different that I thought. Fallen down, literally and metaphorically, and always climbed back up, no idea how at times. But I have, and even though I don’t feel like that now, I know that I will do it again and again.

I’ve noticed, even more than before, that we as humans these days, want everything to happen NOW, not tomorrow or later, now. And that means that we have no patience or understanding that certain things take time. Shit gets real and we have to be respectful of what is going on, not just rush through it all. Just to be clear I do suck at this at times, a lot. We also tend to always let other people affect our happiness, while forgetting that when they hurt us, it’s usually their own pain coming to us. We all deserve to be happy and loved, that’s it.

I’ve had a hell of a year, and when I was thinking of all the things that has happened… I feel very lucky to be this okay with myself and all that has happened. I could be in a mess of a place with myself, but I’ve managed to get stronger and more and more okay with myself and what is happening around me. That doesn’t mean that I don’t freak out at times, hell no, and Oh I do! But if I compare how I dealt with things last year, there’s a huge difference to a better.

What I wish from myself now, is that I give myself time to be patient and loving, not only to others but to myself too. Good things take sometimes a bit more time to than the ones that doesn’t matter in the end. I can let people mess me up, but I’m the one in the end who is in charge of what is going on in my life. It’s okay to feel like shit and like everything is just the worst ever, but I don’t want to stay in that for too long, as it just drags me to my old depressive ways. Not a place I want to visit if I don’t need. I still need to remind myself that me being happy is my own decision, nothing to do with others. I still want to keep certain people in my life, and leave certain out, for my own good. I still am willing to fight for the things I believe in, and not just give up once the going gets tough. And I will love, that’s it.

So, it’s only been couple of months, and so much has happened. That doesn’t mean that I have to freak out. I can try to be thankful for all of it and let it sink in. Whatever has been going on, there’s still been way more good than bad. In all honesty I do feel like the luckiest girl in the world after this summer. And with all in it, I would not change a thing.

I want to keep believing in the good, love like I have, work on my patience. It’s going to be okay.

PMA ❤image1 (10)

Attitude Of Gratitude

IMGP8107Attitude of gratitude, something one of my closest friends reminded me one day the past week.

When life is confusing, swirling in your mind like no other, being grateful for all that is happening can be a challenge at times. It definitely has been for me.

But I can only do what is best for me and stay true to myself, the me I am these days, not before. And I say that because it’s not too many years back that I was always the one who didn’t really appreciate and love myself too much, which ended up me being super bitter at the whole world, making really bad decisions for my own happiness or the lack of it. Blaming the world for all and never changing my own actions. It took me few years to realize these things, and couple people who just bluntly said that “if you’re not ready to change this and that, don’t complain about it” and it really is that easy. Why bitch and moan if you’re not willing to change anything?

Lately I’ve been really confused, so many changes in my life and me being extra hard on myself. Terrified of failing, again. Which is ridiculous, because why would I think negative thoughts if I don’t want them to be my reality? Of course I am in the middle of a huge life change again, and there’s no reason for me to be this hard on myself, but I’m learning to be gentler, promise. Baby steps…

But like I’ve written before, I am grateful for all the moments and experiences in my life.

There will always come days in our life, when someone hurts us, talks shit about us behind our backs, or are just plain mean for no reason. I’ve come across that in my life the past weeks and it’s just useless, but the main thing is how I react to them. That’s all in my control. No one else, no one, in this world can decide how we react to something someone else is doing. And when I realized that, obviously a huge weight was lifted.

I also have surrounded myself with people who are good to me, positive and mean no harm but are honest too. Which means that if I need a friend to talk to, I know that I have the best support net. And then having those situations is a lot easier to take.

The moment you are able to be grateful for all moments, good and bad, that’s when you feel free. There’s always a good old lesson to be learned in those moments. Especially in the bad and ugly and hurtful ones. But those are the times when your reaction is the most important. If you react with hurt and hatred, you will keep that in you. And you will be the one hurting in the end. And I say this with deep experience, I’ve been a mean fighter in my past, words as my weapons.

And it’s always so important to remember to put the whole situation into context, is it really about you or something that is bothering the person who is hurting you at that moment? I’ve learned how to really listen to people, and try to ask the question that I could get the answer to what is really bothering them.

And it’s super important to learn how to forgive. If you hold the pain in you and don’t let it go, there can be no progress to better. Forgiving is hard at times, but if you forgive your enemy you strip their powers away. They are not controlling the situation anymore.

I learned this amazing tool at my therapy, we call it “drop the content”. Basically it means that in that moment of panic and frustration and hurt, take yourself out of the situation and see what really bothers you. How and where it feels in your body, is it making your chest tight or making your belly feel funny? Then hold gently your hand on top of that area, and breath deep and feel how it starts to ease up. It works, it really does. And after you’ve done that usually you get the answer to that question that made you feel bad.

So for me, when I’ve felt really insecure about my future in Copenhagen and the fear of failing, again. That “again” always haunting me. I try to concentrate what I am really afraid, and pretty much always come to the same conclusion… I am afraid to actually be happy and have things in my life I’ve wanted for quite some time.

If it would be a situation in love, I know myself, I would be terrified to get hurt. And at the same time afraid of really letting myself be happy. And be loved. And be able to be loved and taken as who I truly am. I’ve promised myself that from now on I am 100% myself, honest, open and respectful of who I am. That means that I am extra open for all but I am rather that than anything I’ve been in the past. I love my loving and positive and open way of living my life and I want to share that me with someone, all of me.

The fear is always the one thing that holds us from moving forward. For me it’s the fear of failing and getting hurt the most, but in the end of the day I can only remind myself of all the hard times in my past and how they have made me grow into who I am now. And for those I am grateful, keeping that attitude of gratitude with me day in and day out now.

We all deserve the best in life, we just need to let ourselves understand and believe that. Not easy, I know. But so worth it. Even little baby steps at a time. And work towards that.

I’m still struggling to really see and believe how strong I truly am. And how I really deserve to be happy and have good things in my life, but I am working towards that. I might even fail, again, but at least I am trying. And that is the most important thing to me. Because giving up and going back to my old ways hasn’t really worked so I doubt that it would from now on.

” So you failed. Alright you really failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You think I care about that? I do understand. You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you’re still smiling. ” – Claire, Elizabethtown

That quote is from one of my all time favorite movies and it’s been on my mind lately, reminding me why I am pushing on. Because failing and making mistakes and messing up all that was important to you, is part of our path here. Without that we won’t grow. I am happy for all my mistakes and failings and all of it. It ain’t pretty, most of the time, but when you let yourself be in that mess for a bit and get tired of feeling that, you know that is time to move on. So now I need to get off my doubtful mode and believe in myself.

I deserve to have a job where I can show my talents and be there for others. I deserve to find a place to call home and make it mine. I deserve all the love in the world, the real kind of with ups and downs. I deserve to have friends around me to share my life. I deserve to be happy.

I am grateful for my life and whatever is coming in my future, whether it’s hard and hurts at times and tests my believe system. I am still grateful.

PMA ❤

 

Just Why?

It’s 4 in the morning and I’m still awake. Somehow what happened last night won’t let me just go to bed and forget it, not this time.

Last night I went for a run after ten in the night with my dog, the reason for me to go so late was simple, it was really hot during the day and me or the dog can’t really deal with that kind of heat.

Straight after I turned from our corner, this weird dude started following us after he made his point clear by whistling to me. I was walking because I was letting my dog do his business before starting to run. He was just walking behind us and stopping when I stopped, I literally had to walk faster and turn away from the street because I was afraid of him.

I just wanted to run, with my dog who freaking loves that.

Almost at the end of our run, someone honked at me, unfortunately nothing new. Then a lonely car at the intersection decides to say “Psst!” while waiting for the light to change and us running past his car. And probably because I didn’t react, he honked when he passed us.

All of this happened in the timespan of around 40minutes.

The thing that bothers me is that why is this happening, not just me, but in general?!

It makes me feel really unsafe and scared, I don’t know what can happen, ever. And one of the worst things is that I feel that I can’t react, because then I really don’t know what can happen…

This also makes me really angry and sad. Why can’t I run and just do my thing and that’s it, why someone feels the need to do these stupid things and make me feel scared and takes something from me. And what are those people getting from whistling, yelling, honking, whatever they are doing, what are they getting from it?! WHAT?

Do they understand on any level what we are feeling when they do that? For them it is probably a millisecond of fun, for us it can be one of the scariest moments ever, with all kinds of scenarios going in our minds. And the fear doesn’t just leave and all is good, it stays, believe me.

I am a newbie when it comes to harassment. When I lived in Finland, I don’t remember stuff like this happening, or if it did it wasn’t the same, because I don’t remember being afraid like this. Maybe I’ve lived in some bubble, but I would rather live there than have this shit in my life…

Reason why I felt that I need to write about this, was that I was seriously thinking that why am I feeling and thinking that am I making this a bigger deal than it is. Why am I even thinking like that?! Is it some society thing, that if something like this happens, you are supposed to just push it down a bit and keep going and not say anything? Or is this some girl versus boys thing? That girls make things bigger in minds of boys. And I should probably say women versus men.

One friend of mine said something that really made me stop, she said ” someone please hit the reset button on this planet of ours”. I really wish that too. The amount of bad in this world is just insane, it’s hard to comprehend it, because it doesn’t make any sense why we are so just bad to each other.

I hate that I am trying to understand why someone would harass anyone? Why do I need to understand something like that?

This whole thing fills my head with questions and makes me afraid and vary of every guy when I go outside, at least here where I live. Though I feel that it’s elsewhere too these days.

Why something like this is a everyday thing for me or anyone else, just why? Why someone thinks that honking to me while I’m running is a good idea, just why?

I just want to do what I love and what is my lifeline in peace. That’s all. Please let me have this.

All I’m asking is, WHY?